I must have read hundreds of posts these last 10 months, many of which helped me through the most difficult time of my life. This forum gave me the space to share, to vent and to anticipate the grief I would feel at Mom’s passing. Your wisdom and support made my journey easier.
Never in a million years did I anticipate a grief so profound and painful. How will I survive the loss of a relationship— often trying and frustrating— of an unconditional love that was the bedrock of my childhood and adulthood? How will I survive the loss of a person who shared each and every joy and hardship with happiness, advice and comfort? How will I survive the loss of the last person who held memories of my growing up and into the person I became?
Today is the first day I am alone in my house. Mom isn’t here to give me a smile upon entering her room to say good morning. Why didn’t I maximize every moment she was here? I did the best I could and I take some comfort in knowing how utterly happy she was to see me everyday.
This hole is so huge and I don’t know how to move forward. I am numb.
I think in your last posts to us I saw a peace and an understanding in you about your Mom, about your relationship. I saw you begin to worry about HER more than about what you felt. I think you have, from what you just posted here a good understanding, which will only become more deep. I think the caregiving you did was a gift to you in knowing human love and its depth as well as how rough the waters can be.
I am thankful you had that time. I am so very sorry for your loss. I believe you should WRITE, whether for yourself or for others as well. I hope Mom's passing was peaceful and pain-free. My heart goes out to you.
Please know that the pain will heal, you have a new season in life to walk through but, your mom will be in your heart to help you.
May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength, comfort and peace.
If mom was on hospice, often hospice will provide for bereavement counseling for the caregiver. If so, it might be a good thing for you to do.
I too miss my husbands smile when I would return from being out and about, but you will discover in time that yes, life does go on. So please give yourself permission to grieve the mom you loved and that loved you, and make sure that you now are taking care of yourself.
You have gotten off the roller-coaster of caregiving and have now gotten on the roller-coaster of grieving.
May God bless you and keep you.
your message made me totally have tears (and i'm out in public at the moment). i had to wipe my tears.
you're an amazing, loving daughter. huge, huge hugs to you.
My husbands cousin came over for dinner last night. His Mom passed in January. Both our mothers had Dementia. At the time we were caring for our mother's it was hard to laugh at their "antics". I know my Mom would not have liked it and I felt it was disrespectful. But last night we were able to laugh. Even about things pre-dementia. It felt good just to remember.
Hugs to you. Now take a walk, get your hair done, have a glass of wine, call a long-lost friend. Know that you were and are loved from beyond by your mom.
She was diagnosed with IPF 3yrs ago & had mobility issues that got worse in the last few years (couldnt walk very far).
I often wondered how my Dad, & my brother & I would cope when she got really bad but unfortunately we never found out because she went from being diagnosed with the illness (but being "manageably ill") for several years to life-threatening in a matter of weeks.
I say "unfortunately" but, when a decline is inevitable, perhaps its a blessing that the process happened so quickly instead of slowly. A slow torturous decline was what my Mother was most afraid of & to see her in pain for a long period would have been horrendous. Thats what many posters here are experiencing & you have my sympathy.
It does make the reality of what's happened hard to process though. Denial & bargaining are definitely stages of grief that I am experiencing.
There is comfort of her not being in pain anymore and reunited with loved ones who passed before she did.
I think losing someone we have cared for is especially hard because we have invested so much of ourselves for such a long time. Your wounds are still too raw to believe it but healing will come with the passage of time (it took me years).
huggggg.
i remember many of your posts.
you’re a wonderful, loving daughter.
“I take some comfort in knowing how utterly happy she was to see me everyday.”
—and look at how much joy you gave her daily!!
I remember your posts, and I bet that you helped lots of caregivers both with your questions and the responses that you received.
May God bless you with peace.
Start next week, month doing nice things for yourself, it does not matter when and what, there is no timeline.
Maybe think about how she would like you to be happy.
In time, start to think or make a list of things you would like to do in life, small, silly, big or outrageous.
Maybe some grief therapy?
I'd like to suggest two books for you consider reading. One is On Death And Dying, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross M.D. who discusses the 5 stages of grief, in a compassionate and eloquent manner. She was a pioneer in her field and had much wisdom to impart on the process of grief. Or, On Grief And Grieving which is co-authored by Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.
The second book is by David Kessler who suggests there is a sixth stage of grief beyond the traditional 5 which are Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance: the sixth is Finding Meaning. Kessler's life was upended by the sudden death of his 21-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief - meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.
https://www.amazon.com/Death-Dying-Doctors-Nurses-Families/dp/1476775540/ref=sr_1_1?crid=19CM3QZCXCX8Z&keywords=on+death+and+dying+by+elizabeth+kubler+ross+paperback&qid=1654816154&s=books&sprefix=on+death+and%2Cstripbooks%2C104&sr=1-1
https://www.amazon.com/On-Grief-and-Grieving-audiobook/dp/B07GDSK9H6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2PFLP50OTS6AU&keywords=on+grief+and+grieving+by+elizabeth+kubler-ross&qid=1654816448&s=books&sprefix=on+grief%2Cstripbooks%2C104&sr=1-1
https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Sixth-Stage-Grief/dp/1501192736
My deepest condolences on the loss of your mom. God bless you and keep you during this difficult time in your life. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
The main thing is we all care, and show it in different ways.
You’re so lucky your mother appreciated your caring for her & that she knew who you were.
Lots of us are caring for a parent who has memory & loss of mobility & incontinence. In addition, getting hit, punched, hair pulled, mouthwash thrown in my eyes, & every curse words imaginable. The anger & rage shown to me nobody cares about, it seems. A smile? Happy to see me? No..not ever…Oh, yeah I’m doing a good job & it’s working!?!well, it’s working for you, dear brother because you can’t spend more than 15 minutes in the same room as her..& visit 1x in 6 months…too busy, too tired…every excuse. Yeah..I’d have a life too if I wasn’t busy wiping 🧻 💩 poop from mom.
So not every caregiver has an easy time or has help from siblings. Everyone I talk to assume I’m an only child. Yeah I’m the only child who takes care of our mother.
Again so ..sorry for your loss.
I feel I already lost my mother although her carcass body is still lying here trying to suck all the life out of me. The best part was the other day she told her imaginary invisible friends she likes her son but not her daughter..
Hugs 🤗
Show your gratitude every day!!!! Grieving is a process, take one step at a time: 5 stages of grief. https://www.verywellmind.com/five-stages-of-grief-4175361
You will always look back and say "I could have done more" but at that time you were doing all that you could and you can not ask more of yourself than that.
Your mom will always be with you. When you are going to buy that dress you want for a party and you wonder if you should, your mom's voice will be in the back of your head giving you her opinion.
When you walk down the street and out of the corner of your eye catch a glimpse of yourself you will, just for a moment see her.
Talk about her, share stories with friends and family. Keep her a live in your heart and mind. I Volunteer with Veterans organizations and one of the sayings I have heard over the years is .."A soldier dies twice, once on the battle field and again when their name is spoken for the last time" There are lots of quotes like this. The important thing is to keep her in your heart and mind.
One last quote, I have this by my computer, it was given to me by the facilitator of my Support Group:
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of Love.
I have tried to make it up to Mum by living my life the way should have wanted me to. Sending lots of love and hugs to you from Australia. xxxooo