My 102 year old mother fell and broke her hip in early July. She had surgery and has been in a rehab facility. She has made little progress mostly because of her attitude. The care team decided she should probably move into the long term care area where they could continue to work with her. My mother only cares about two things, going back to her house and screaming to the heavens for father. I have spent every single day of the last two years caring for her. I begged her to allow me to bring help in the home to aid her walking, bathing, etc. She refused. She fell down and the rest is history. Yesterday when we tried to move her she became violent trying to strike the physical therapist and an aide. They stopped the move, but I am now waiting for the call or letter telling me they have strict rules about residents hitting employees. My mother said things yesterday I couldn’t believe or forgive. My wife who works in the medical field tried to reason with her to no avail. My mother kept screaming I will fight all of you. I am not going in assisted living. I am going back to my house. I don’t need anyone there with me. This from somebody who cannot stand and needs help doing everything. I am so tired of dealing with her. If she had her way I would be living with her and taking care of her. She said to me you are no son of mine. You should be taking care of me either in my home or hers. Neither home is set up to accommodate a wheelchair. I am ready to resign as her power of attorney and have the court appoint a guardian.
I have been following your questions about your life. You and your wife have your hands full. I second telling the Social Worker at Mom's rehab that there is no home set up for a wheelchair to get around. Tell them you are already careing for a MIL. You must say you cannot take your Mother home. It takes a village to care for a 2 person assist. I also think some "calm down" meds may have to be started. Your Mom is terrified you say of being alone. So was my Mom after my Dad died. If she didn't want to be alone in the NH bathroom...well life at home would be the same way. We all do this as long as we can for our parents. But there has to be a point where you can tell the SW that you simply cannot do this anymore. You have no extra help, home is not set up for her, your already caregivers for MIL, and she is not a safe discharge to home because there is NO 24/7 help there at all. It is horribly hard to do I know. I finally after 71/2 years put my Mama in Memory Care. She has had a Geriatric Phych. Evaluation, new low dose meds and is settling in. This is hard but you must say to rehab you can't being her home it is just too much for you. You have lost Dad too and you sound like me 6 months ago. At the end of the rope. Please the a knot on the end of your rope and hang on.
You have received good advice. She does need placement now. DO NOT make the GRAVE mistake of taking her into your home. You will not easily have her removed from that situation and it will be a nightmare.
Now you tell her quite simply that she will have to accept placement. If she is combative the placement will not be as pleasant as it would be otherwise as she would require memory care and medication, which she may require in ANY case. You tell her that this is not up for argument.
I cannot believe the numbers of people who live their lives by guilt. Are we flawed and inadequate human beings? Yes. We are. Are we Saints, doormats, slaves? No, we are not. Yet over and over again I see people martyring themselves out of guilt to people undeserving of the care. Even if DESERVING of it, there is a limit to what humans beings can endure. So not up for argument. Admit to the being flawed. Tell her that yes, you are an inadequate son, and as such very close to giving her guardianship up to the state who will not have much time to listen to her abusive critique. Nor care overmuch. States feel no guilt. Psychopaths and narcissists don't either. Only good and decent people feel guilt. Welcome to the club of the enormously flawed human beings.
Having your late-stage dementia MIL in your house is bad enough! And now your mother is demanding that you take care of her? NO WAY. Refuse to play any part in her return to her home (is she still legally mentally competent?). Make sure the discharge planning folks know that there is no help available for her there, and that she needs placement. NOW.
I wish you could also place your MIL somewhere. How old is she, and how much longer do you think she will live? Does your wife have to do a lot of physical caregiving for her mother?
Do not accept discharge to home. Do not piecemeal together help for her at home. If she's competent, which I doubt, she won't appreciate your efforts. And if she's not competent, which seems to be the case, she won't appreciate your efforts. You can still help her as her POA by stepping back from the day-to-day, working with the healthcare team to find longterm care, selling her house, and using the money to pay for her care.
No one ought to be abused by those for whom we are caring and it should not be tolerated.
Knowing what something is called is the beginning of understanding how to deal with it.
The mean and hurtful things are difficult to take, as again I've heard the same from my dad. They will blame us till the sun no longer shines. I read about something on here called "going gray rock". I wished I'd known that back then. But google it and read up on it and use that technique with your mom. As for you wife trying to reason with her...good luck. Don't even go there, she doesn't want to hear it. It only makes them angrier. And never argue.
I'm sorry your life is so all consumed by this as I know it is very very hard. Hang in there.
She will be safe.
Unfortunately what she “wants” is not a reality. She’s scared and trying to retain some control but just do what you know is right. If she is verbally abusive to the staff it won’t be the first time they’ve seen that. And though it’s impossible to imagine right now she might actually like it once she sees that she is safe and you’re visiting and it’s not as scary as she pictures it.
One random tip: I visited my mom daily until her death ( she was there about 3 yrs) but always switched up the times. That way the staff never knew when I would show up.
1. She can stay in the same rehab facility and work with the same therapists to rehab but for insurance reasons she will need to move to a LT room. It's simply an insurance thing because her injury requires more rehab than days allotted for short term rehab, this is why these facilities have/do both. Once she is mobile on her own again and signed off by PT & doctors she will have the choice to go home on her own.
2. She can ignore doctors orders and PT recommendations and sign herself out to go home. But she will need to make arrangements and pay for help at home unless she is capable of getting up and caring for herself. You and other family members are not capable of being with her 24/7 and caring for her, that's why she needs rehab. While you don't agree with this decision and you worry about the consequences to her of making it you will of course do what she wishes as POA as directed (sign forms, make arrangements, pay bills...) but not provide hands on care and lifting, you can't. I imagine you are in your 70's, it takes 2 trained people in rehab to transfer her, she can do the math.
3. She can find another arrangement/facility.
She needs to know that refusing to do anything to care for herself will likely force the rehab/state to step in and deem her unable to care for herself because it's very unlikely they are going to let her go home without a plan in place for care since she isn't able on her own (why she's in rehab to start) and while you have been willing to take on this responsibility if it's going to create this unbearable stress between you you wont be able or willing to add to it by taking on this responsibility, meaning she will be appointed a stranger to make decisions for her. It isn't totally in your hands unless she allows it to be and it isn't totally in her hands unless she proves she's capable by behaving rationally.
Give her back a feeling of some control, make sure she doesn't feel abandoned but make sure she knows her choices and that she needs to be responsible with them to keep control but in a gentle in your face kind of way, lol. Seriously though take some of that off of you, you will continue to take on responsibility to help her as long as she wants but you don't have total control, she is under doctors care and they have legal responsibilities. She has too meet certain criteria that aren't in your control or the facilities completely. I want to see you get off of this cliff and back to a place where you are caring for and about mom rather than dreading contact with her.
If mom does have dementia that's a whole other ball game and it may be time to just take control and make the only decision you can. Enlist the facility and doctors help, maybe cog eval and or meds to help trans.
Because it came from the mouths of medical professionals, my father-in-law took it seriously. He wasn't happy that he needed help, but he accepted it because he knew his limitations.
Almost no human body is capable of being fully independent at age 102. Can she change her own burned-out lightbulbs, balance her checkbook, mop her kitchen floor, strip the bed and wash/dry the sheets, drive herself or take the bus to each of her medical appointments? If she is unable to do those things, then she is not "independent."
I might mention an analogy from the late singer Glen Campbell who died of Alzheimer's disease. He had five family members taking turns, round-the-clock, to care for him at home. He reached a stage when he became violent, and was still physically strong enough to do serious injury to his caregivers. They were unable to cope with this behavior, and feared for their own safety, so, they had no choice but to place him into a memory care facility. He was safe there and supervised 24/7 - and he remained there until he died.
The time has come for this woman to be in some type of care facility, for her own safety and that of her family.
You might tell her, they are going to test her to see if she is ready to go home. Then tell her she has to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom by herself. Be standing there with help. When she can't do it, tell her she has to work some more at getting well and for now. See if she is more willing to work with them after that. If not, tell her she has to move to a different bed where they have help to get her going again.
Just flat out telling her she can't go home probably won't work.
She needs long term care - tell the social worker.
At this stage they believe that it is not the sun nor the earth that is the centre of the universe but it is them & their wants - so what if she doesn't like it .... have you ever met anyone who said 'I want to live in a nursing home' ... NO NO - she has lost the faculties to make good judgements for herself - she will try to guilt you doing what she wants but if asked all she will say & re-say is 'I want to go home' but she has no concept of what is involved
Good judgement prevails over the wants of an individual who is not in touch with reality - you are a good son so stop being manipulated by her - this person is a shell of what your concept of 'mom' is - she will remember things about you one day & not the next - I told my mom it was temporary until her hand improved so she thought it was a long term rehab place & she was happy about that so please try it if you can
P.S. - as a man your first reaction is to bail out when the going gets tough - now to try to own up to the responsibilities of a POA & start making the nitty gritty choices - otherwise bail out & let the women of the family pick up after you - grow up & get a backbone when dealing with your mom [you are probably 70+ years old by now] - I know this is strong but someone has to slap you upside your head to make you wake up that it is not a walk in the garden to be jettisonned when it is no a longer simple job - otherwise do like so many jellyfish men do & bail out [& the women will do it for you] but you lose the right to complain ever again about her care