My 102 year old mother is living at home. I am her POA and proxy. The last two years have been a nightmare. She has fallen several times with serious injuries from three falls. She came home from a several month rehab knowing she needed help at home. She kicked them out on the third day. All of the services, VNA, Caretakers, have said she shouldn’t be at home alone. I talk until I am blue in the face. She won’t listen telling me she has to die at home where her husband died. It was recommended I get her a medical alert pendant. In the last month she has set it off 21 times. She fools with it while wearing it or let’s it hang from her walker. It thinks she is falling. I get calls from them day and night. Sometimes she answers the phone and others she ignores it. Last week we had agreed she should go to assisted living. A nurse came to visit and assess her. I went and made all the arrangements and then yesterday she tells me she won’t go. If I make her she says she will make a scene and get kicked out. She acted out at the rehab too. They couldn’t wait to be rid of her. What good does it do to be a POA or proxy ? I can’t physically force her to leave the house. I have called adult services and they were no help at all. I don’t know what to do. I wanted to resign as POA and proxy,but mom’s attorney asked me to continue. I can’t keep living like this.
Resign
Resign
Then let the chips fall where they may. Your mom, if she is of sound mind (and no court has declared her incompetent) cannot be forced into anything she does not wish to do. But that doesn't mean you by default are the cleaner upper.
Step back - let her figure it out. Then a medical emergency will force the issue - as it has for so many families on this site with stubborn elders.
Tell the attorney that they are welcome to the position.
Good luck.
My MIL lived in FL 20 years before her death. FIL died 17 years before her. When DH retired, the phone calls usually were "u need to move down here". Then she came up one time saying she was thinking of moving back. We went thru looking at apts and trailers with her but she never moved back. When she said something to me about moving down, I told her it would never happen because I had my Mom. My husband never gave in to her. He told me she chose to move to Fla. She wanted to stay in that house. That was her decision and if she died in that house, that too was her decision.
So, seems Mom has done OK for 102. And if this is where she wants to stay then let her. And if she dies because she stayed in her house, then she did it her way. POA does not mean you have to do for her. Doesn't mean ur at her beck and call. Might want to tell her what u will and won't do. Otherwise, she pays to have it done.
If so, your durable poa and healthcarenpoa may well give you the right to place her in a secure memory care unit.
Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Although meds cant reverse dementia, they can often reduce the paranoia, agitation and anxiety that often accompany it.
If the lawyer has any standing with mom (i.e., she trusts him) pay him the hourly rate for mom to visit him. Let HIM explain that shes acting irrationally. It's worth a shot.
Stop showing up at the ER might be a plan
I'm so sorry, your mom sounds completely stubborn and non-compliant :( I know you are at your wits end.
What I have finally come to realize, is that we are waiting on our next emergency. Depending on how serious it is, the decision about whether she can live at home will be taken out of our hands. And honestly, until then, there is just nothing we can do unless a family member gets guardianship.
And even with guardianship, if they try to put her in a home, it will be just like you described -- she will be so very difficult, causing trouble and having daily temper tantrums . . . . all in an effort to "Go Home!"
I don't have any good advice I'm afraid, but sending{{{hugs}}} your way because it's a hard spot to be in!
I can think of some colourful language you might have chosen in answer, rather than just "oh okay then." And seeing as mother has such a dedicated attorney, what's wrong with handing the whole deal over to him/her? Either mother can appoint the attorney to act as her professional POA, or if truth be told she lacks the mental soundness to do that then the attorney can exercise his professional powers and begin guardianship proceedings.
I thought you were in a bit of a bind before you mentioned the lawyer!
To soothe your conscience: your mother is 102. If she prefers to come to a potentially sticky end in the place where she wants to die, what better alternative can anyone offer her?
Perhaps you will need to do what we did. Keep posting it will help!
I can understand why you would want to relinquish legal responsibility for her. You can tell the attorney that you changed your mind and not be involved anymore.
A friend of mine recently died and he has no living family. He was never married. He had no children either. He had colon cancer and a stroke. He went to the hospital after the stroke. The hospital asked a mutual friend of ours to become his POA. She declined because she did not want that responsibility.
The hospital ended up telling us that he was too far gone to receive any more chemotherapy for his cancer and could never live alone again.
The hospital actually found a nursing home for him to be placed. He died two weeks later in the nursing home.
I’m in New Orleans. I don’t know where you are and how it works there. I’m thinking that possibly they would take over and place her too if your mom doesn’t a POA.
Your mom should not be living alone. At least she would receive care in a hospital or nursing home. I can’t imagine why she would want to be alone with no medical help. Is she scared? What about hospice?
When she does end up in the hospital, contact the social worker and tell them that you are not going to bring her home. Let the social worker handle it like they did for my friend.
It’s strange how some people think. My friend had a horrible wreck just before entering the hospital. His doctor told him no more driving. No more living at home.
He thought he was transferred to another hospital when they transported him to the nursing home.
He didn’t even know that he had been placed in a nursing home. He kept telling us he was going to start driving again when he got out of the hospital. It’s weird, I don’t even think he realized how sick he was or that he was dying. It was terribly sad. He didn’t even tell us burial plans. Since he had no family his remains are in a cemetery designated for bodies that are not claimed by family members.
This is so stressful for you. You’re pretty much helpless until she is in danger and enters the hospital. She won’t cooperate on her own so you don’t really have a choice but to leave it in the hands of the hospital. I just feel like they will drag things out if you continue to have POA.
I know the doctor at the hospital was pushing for my friend to have a POA. When the doctor’s request was refused they acted on getting placement in the nursing home quickly. He was already a Medicaid patient.
Don’t sign anything claiming any responsibility if she enters a nursing home.