Mom is in assisted living "AL" and keeps saying she's ready to go home and that she signed herself in and can sign herself out. We know "home" is the home she left almost 2 months ago. She's declined to dementia and her short-term memory is almost nonexistent. She does seem to know what she wants to do, but there's no way she could do it alone and no one has the time to help her live at home nor do we have funds for extended caregiving in her home. When I visited her on mothers day, she went into an elaborate description of how she cooks when she does not go eat in the dining room. She cooks up a hamburger or a steak and fries them up in her kitchenette, except there is no stove, cooktop, frying pan, no cooking except for a microwave.
I can't believe some of the stories I've heard, she thinks she stopped driving a few months back when in reality she hasn't driven in 45 years and there are other stories of things that never happened.
I don't know how to respond to her going home and tell her she'll have to talk to her Dr. about it. She would not be safe at home, what would you do?
Look up anosgnosia. Some folks with cognitive decline have no appreciation for the fact that they are reliant upon others,
I listened to wild & elaborate stories from my mom too, who was 95 with advanced dementia & living in a Memory Care ALF for nearly 3 years. The last 9 months of her life were rife with confabulation. She'd tell me stories of how she was 'walking all over the city' (she was wheelchair bound for almost 3 years) and needed new shoes b/c she'd worn the other ones out from all the walking. How the 'girls' would move her to a new hotel every night but the new hotel had the same stuff in it that the old one did, how was that possible, she'd ask me? And how she'd go to a new & different restaurant each night with entertainment and how tired she was from all the adventures she went on. Sometimes one of the girls would take her home with them for an elaborate dinner, too, which was lots of fun. Sometimes living in one's own mind isn't a bad thing.
Just go along with your mom's stories and nod your head, ooh and ah, and tell her how wonderful it is that she's cooking such nice meals in her apartment and how delicious they must be. It's all you can do, really. Don't correct her or reorient her to your reality; enter HERS instead. My mother was always telling me how she was 'getting out' of her Memory Care ALF too, but we all knew it was just talk.
Good luck; I know how hard it is to watch dementia destroy our mothers.
As for stories, my friend’s grandmother who declined with dementia lived to be 99 years old and would often tell us stories of her affairs with Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. We were often entertained, but she did work as a cocktail waitress in the 1940s…
Just listen to her stories, nod, and change the subject. Dementia makes great actors of us family members, so ask her what she's planning to cook, where she drove today, and so on.
And as the others have said, moves are dependent on when the doctor OK's it -- and he won't. Memory care does such a good job of getting people settled, and you don't want to wait too long for her to go there, because sometimes AL residents with dementia find themselves isolated from social connections.
I have heard "you ARE home", said kindly & quickly followed by "this is your NEW home"... but I would be very careful with that. Could make things worse.
If it's nostalgia she craves, bring out an old photo album & share some familiar memories. That may help her achieve some 'feeling' of home. Something to connect with.
I have forgot in all of this if Mom is DIAGNOSED with dementia now? I know you serve as her POA so I am assuming so.
I am relieved she is in care. As to her stories clearly she is confabulating a whole lot. If she has dementia then she is in a somewhat normal place of thinking all these things are true and thinking she can return home.
I know that you know that is an impossiblity at this point.
So be certain that Mom has her diagnosis and cannot voluntariliy sign herself out without your POA first of all.
Secondly, gently and calmly be crystal clear HONEST with Mom that she cannot return home, and that home may need to be sold for her care, or at the least rented to give income for care.
Then continue on trying to find that good attorney that POA will pay for. You need to know about the possiblities of renting, selling or just hanging onto Mom's home, how that will affect her medicaid if she's on it, and what funds she needs.
I hope that some progress has been made in getting contract for your service as POA, because you could use the help for that. I had not know that in California you can get reasonable compensation outside of that already written in a POA; as it turns out, with a lawyer, you CAN get reasonably compensated and you should.
I know there are other siblings so I want you to be protected in all you do now for Mom. And again, be honest with her. Don't expect her to take it well. It is worth grieving over, isn't it. If she wants to rage and cry a bit then let her. Tell her that in all honestly her memory isn't good enough now to be alone, and that you will be there for her but she needs the 24/7 care.
Speak with the admins at her facility so they know Mom is speaking a lot about leaving, something she can't do.
Again, be honest. "Mom, I am sorry, but the doctors and I agree that you can't go home again. There isn't care for you every day and your memory is getting bad. You need this protection and care. I know you hate it and I grieve that you do, and will be here to visit with you."
Her hoping things might change will do her no good. Be honest with her.
Best of luck.
Continually telling her she can't go home she gets upset and angry with me and seems to be the definition of insanity expecting a different outcome from someone who won't remember what I said 10 or 15 minutes later. I've shifted the blame to her Dr, which seems to remove me as the bad guy and I don't have to leave so abruptly. She also stated for about 6 months before going into AL that she was ready to go into a "home" meaning a care home. She was tired of trying to keep her house clean and take care of herself and a dog she needed to re-home and misses terribly but didn't give him the right care. We even tried to get her additional help while still in her own home but she refused. She doesn't remember the complexity of all the steps needed to get her where she is now, and telling her isn't likely to have a positive outcome and would be a wasted effort that would need to repeated over and over again. I thought about writing a timeline going back before my father had a stroke and list all the events that transpired, that way she can look at it and read it any time she wants or throw it away and I can print a new one for her.
I know many others have dealt with similar issues with their loved ones and I'm just looking for help to deflect the statement about going home so it doesn't go downhill every time I visit her.
You say "that's nice mom. You do that". Then change the subject.
If she gets angry, remove yourself as the target if her anger.
She is no longer rational and can't live alone. If she is able ON HER OWN to get a new doctor to declare that she is fine to live without support AND she is able to arrange for her own transport home, let things be until she falls or becomes ill. Then call 911 and let the hospital deal with her and her housing situation.
I used to say to my stubborn MIL who trusted no one "you can trust your sons to do right by you, or you will get placed by strangers".
Time is no more for your Mom. Her days just run into each other. We told my Mom she was going to a new appt and she would meet knew friends. I was lucky, my Mom adjusted well.
Mom was told by her neurologist that she had Dementia. When we got home from the appt she asked me what the Dr had said. The next day she hollered for me to come down the stairs. When I did, she showed me an article on Dementia that was in her paper. "Theres an article that talks about what you said I had". Like being told Dementia was an everyday occurrence.
The ability to understand chronological time shrinks and flattens. Events from childhood and earlier decades of adult life seem as real and recent as the 'here and now.' And actual facts are incorporated into the memories and made up stories. All of it is equally real to an elder with enough dementia to need 24 hour assistance. Just rolling with it, reflecting back the emotions or asking simple questions to encourage enjoyment in the moment are kindest responses.
my MIL is in memory care..packs To go home almost daily.. my husband tells her when the dr says your able to go …
I wish you peace in this journey