So...parents still living in their own home from 60+ years. Dad is 95 and Mom 87. He's catheterized and has dementia (although not too bad from what I see) and sleeps most of the day. Mom - "boohoo" "whoa is me" back and forth about putting my dad "away". She seems to be very confused and has not been diagnosed with dementia but I'm sure she has it. There's an aide there every day from 9am-7pm but it doesnt seem to be enough for this woman. I hate her, I love her, I feel sorry for her. Some of it might be attention getting, but it scares the heck out of me. My brother the workaholic has POA. Is there any way we can put my dad away if he doesn't want to go? She won't do assisted living. Thanks in advance.
If you only see your dad at certain times, you may not have seen the total picture. Is your mom able to provide someone a complete and accurate description of what he needs help with? A professional, should be able to do a needs assessment to determine what level of care that he needs. I'd consider that and propose that he get it by providing the assessment info to his wife and your brother/POA. If dad wasn't getting that at home, I'd ensure that he did get help, hopefully, by mom and brother arranging it, If not, I'd see an attorney about what I needed to do to step in and arrange it. (Guardianship would override his POA) Of course, that would be a last option, but, I'd make sure my dad was well cared for.
IMO, expecting an 87 year old woman to provide care for a 95 year old spouse with dementia is unrealistic. I would suspect that she is totally overwhelmed and exhausted. I'd thank her for speaking up and get her some relief. Caretakers undergo a lot of sleep deprivation, bathroom cleanup, repeating things over and over, lost items, delusions, etc. It's very stressful. I wouldn't consider it attention getting, but, a cry for help.
Mom is confused. Who does a needs assessment? Is this like a geriatric assessment that is very complicated/lengthy?
Your mom may have been a drama queen, but I can't imagine how an 87 year old woman can do this level of care for long.
My own mother was a Drama Queen, paranoid, jealous, had a giant persecution complex and was delusional. But I always knew she wanted the best for my dad. Go along with Mom and start looking for someplace for Dad. Ask his doctor the best way to ease him into the transition.