Mom was scammed. How do I prevent this from happening again without making her feel dumb? And a warning to other caregivers.

Change her E mail. Tell her you will view all E mails and not to respond to anything.

My elderly uncle uses a computer to email friends and view videos, etc. I have lectured him multiple times about SCAM emails and phone calls. An elder adult was scammed and reported in our local news recently. I send him these articles to keep him alert and that I'm not joking about these crimes.


'Woman, 81, gets scammed out of $420K. Now she may lose her home.'

https://www.nj.com/news/2022/08/woman-81-gets-scammed-out-of-420k-now-she-may-lose-her-home.html

My mom lives and breathes for PCH, And they are not a scam, but definitely something that preys on the 'innocent'.

Mother has 6-7 HUGE bins in the basement of her house that are filled to the brim with 40+ years of PCH envelopes and fillers. She thinks she needs to hang on to all that stuff 'in case' she wins. And she thinks she has to BUY something every time to increase her chances of winning. She refers to her imminent winning as 'your inheritance'. OMGosh, if she HAD invested all the money she spent on garbage, there might actually BE a small inheritance.

She used to keep the boxes and boxes of sweepstakes entries in her kitchen. I blew a head gasket b/c she was tripping over them and while she would not throw them away, she would agree to storing them.

I showed her a couple of times how I open my mail. I pick it up and go through it all immediately. The obvious junk gets torn in half & thrown out and the bills get opened, noted in my financial notebook and the one or two things I might get in a week, I file. She has piles and piles of mail and wants to be organized, but just..can't.

I feel like she is drowning in paper. She gets anywhere from 5-10 packets a week with notepaper and return address stickers. She feels guilty for taking those, so she makes a contribution to whatever cause. I have told her a hundred times that the charity she's 'supporting' might very well not even giving one dime to the actual charity--they cover their overhead first. It doesn't resonate with her and she thinks she's really helping people.

At least, at 92, she cannot walk to the mailbox. Someone in the family grabs the mail and takes her 'junk' mail and all but one catalog. I know that seems mean, but she keeps buying **** and then wanting to return it--so this goes far beyond just ordering a $10 tchotchke from PCH.

My mom (87) also fell for the same scam. I have POA and was going into her account to pay her bills when I notice a withdrawal of $1500. I called her and asked about it she said she didn't remember anything. I then contacted the bank and they said it was her and she showed her ID. I called her back and then she said it was going to be a surprise , she won a 2020 Mercedes. I called the local police and told them I was worried as she could be in trouble if they came to her house and could rob her. My mom had the tracking # and address and mailed it to Miss. The police women contacted the PO and found out it was at another PO north of town. She went up there and it was on the truck to go to KC, then to Miss. They pulled it off the truck and was going to hold it till I with my Mom came to get it. I live 0ver 500 miles away. I threw stuff in a bag and left in a hour. The officer knew I was coming and told my Mom. We arrived at 2am and the office asked what kind of car we had as they were going to patrol the area as the guy said he would come by . We went to the PO in the morning and picked up the package. My Mom taped $100 dollar bills to the pages of the magazine and mailed it to the guy in Miss. I took pictures to give the police. Mom didn't seem to understand what she did and wasn't happy that she didn't win a car. We took the money and put it back in the bank. I talked to her about how lucky we were to get the money back and how she didn't have the money to give away. It was also PCH (she thought)and I asked if she entered the sweepstakes? She said she doesn't understand the world we live in.
I think if you just talk to your Mom calmly and with out anyone around she might feel better. Your mom sounds like my Mom . I tell her to tell her when anyone calls to say my daughter takes care of her finances and its not a good plan to keep secrets for me that big. I asked her at any point did what she was doing,like taping money to a magazine an wrapping it in Christmas paper then a brown paper and mailing it to someone she does know seem wrong? She said she didn't think about it as she was just following the directions the gave her. I put my name on her checks and took over her bills 3 years ago and pay her home taxes and anything else that comes in. I just put my address on her bills and e-mail address on everything else. Thank goodness she doesn't get on the computer any more. I just try to call her daily and keep an eye on things. Just this week I saw a debit for a personal security system for elderly. I asked her again she didn't remember it but they charged her bank account for it. I told her she already has a system and that would be 2 of them and we would need to return it so don't open it. Also as she lives alone and may be lonely she talks to anyone. Even the lady at the PO said to her" NEVER MAIL CASH TO ANYONE".
I think all you can do it keep talking to her and show her different scams that are the news and AARP magazine . She has been up set when they call and say that a grandson in in jail and they need money, after 3-4 times I think she now knows it is a scam. I don't think things will get better and it will be a long road keeping them safe. I just try to keep the lines of communication open keep talking about things. Good Luck!

A smart and sophisticated friend of mine also got scammed recently for 10s of thousands of dollars. It can happen to anyone - scammers are getting very very clever and are expert cons. We have to get people to stop blaming the victims. The trouble is that scammers are very clever and it's different every time. She'd have to learn all of the red flags: did they tell her not to discuss it with anyone? asking for personal information, asking for bank account information, did she sign up for the Publishers Clearinghouse contest, etc. If you can convince your mother to talk to you first (to get a second opinion) before she gives out any personal information or sets up any new accounts, it would help. If possible, get more information from her and report it to the FBI fraud division. They may be able to get her money back, but it's not likely - here's the link https://www.fbi.gov/scams-and-safety. Make sure all of your mother's paperwork is in order. She needs to set up POA for medical and financial matters, a living will with her advance medical directives and a will, if she has assets. Hopefully you are or will be her POA. You need to set up POA while she is still mentally competent. She may need an attorney to do this. If she has low income, connect with a local social worker who may be able to recommend a pro bono attorney. I'd say don't help her financially until she runs down her own money. Make sure you are on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak with them on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call with her next to you. Get her on assistance programs such as Medicaid and food stamps (SNAP) if she is eligible. The FTC also has good scam info https://consumer.ftc.gov/features/scam-alerts. They sendd out useful scam alert emails. You can sign up for the emails at https://public.govdelivery.com/accounts/USFTCCONSUMER/subscriber/new?topic_id=USFTCCONSUMER_8.

I have a sister with a brain tumor, which has caused diminished abilities as well as aphasia. She was independently living in another state and unwilling to allow me access to finances. Unfortunately she was scammed by several entities over the last few years and lost over $40k in 2021 alone. Only after one of the last scams would she allow me to work with her. One scam had her change her phone numbers so we changed them again. Now, the scammers have had a hard time finding her, but it is starting again, not even 18 months.
I have done what others did, however I set up two checking accounts--one for her that she has a debit card and knows the acct number and one for bills that I use to manage her finances. I keep her account low so if she is scammed she won't lose too much. All bills are paid online or as scheduled withdrawals so she doesn't have to touch bills. The aphasia is severe enough that she has difficulty providing numbers correctly over the phone so that sadly helps. I have also moved her to my city and see her 1-2x per week. That helps me stay aware of what she is doing since she forgets to tell me about paper bills she may have received. I also reinforce not to provide personal or financial details over the phone but that has limited effect. Her situation may include some dementia, just different from my husband's younger onset Alzheimers.
Best of luck with however you decide to move forward.

Jojothepogo: Perhaps you can tell her that many, many individuals have fallen for scams and instruct her of the perils.

I think that every single person who has fallen for a scam 'feels dumb'. I don't think you can avoid it. Perhaps you can cushion the blow with a long conversation about other types of scams, the number of people who have fallen for them, and the huge sums involved. In Oz there is a government site called 'Scamwatch' that gives all this sort of information. Just Google it. Get mum interested in other people's experience, rather than stressing her own 'dumb'.

So, been there and done that with my dad.

He lives five hours away and called me one night and said I needed to be at his house 8:00 a.m. in the morning because PCH was coming to deliver his prize. I had to find news reports about this scam before dad believed it was a scam.

[This was six months after he fell for another scam (fake FB profile posing as his former secretary convinced him that he could get a $50,000 government grant if he sent processing fees). After he lost several thousand to that one, I took over his Facebook account, his comcast acccount (internet, email, and home phone) and put his cell phone on our cell phone plan so I can see the numbers that call and text him.]

There are federal agencies where you can file reports. Find them and file reports. Get your mom's passwords to her social accounts, email, online banking, etc. and monitor her activities daily.

Our parents belong to a generation that trusted everyone. They just don't get that not everyone has their best interests at heart.

I hope you call the police.. if not ..DO

I just reread your post and you said that she volunteers and goes to church more than the average retiree. Do you have good relations with the church?

A little more about the Office on Aging. It is a federal program in 54 "districts" that primarily utilizes volunteers. Each state determines how they are going to operate and monthly, must give a report back to the federal government reporting their time and what they did. Yearly, they provide an annual report as they are using tax payer dollars.

In my state, as well as information booklets, we give presentations. Some are more "fluffy" than others, however, all have useable information in the presentations. All activities done by these offices are free of charge. You might want to see if the church would be willing to sponsor a presentation(s), either in person or zoom, about consumer and medicare fraud. I know that we present to senior centers.

The scammers are getting smarter (or is that I'm slower to recognize the scam?) and it is important that we are able to recognize them for what they are. Perhaps you can take your Mom's experience to help her and others in a non-confrontational or embarrassing way.

P.S. The various subgroups welcome volunteers. Maybe your Mom can volunteer with them. Our group uses volunteers to do administrative work (e.g. clean out cabinets), be present at booths at senior fairs, give presentations and individualized counselling.

Just let her know that people of all ages get caught up in scams - she wasn't stupid or anything like that. It sounds good and that's what scammers want. Tell her that if she gets any calls at all where they ask for any kind of personal information, she should tell them she does not conduct business over the phone. Don't buy or pay anyone that calls you asking for info.

You might also tell her how sneaky they can be. The caller ID can look like the call is coming from her bank, the phone company, etc. If it looks like it's someone like that, she should hang up and call you. Then you can verify if someone legit is trying to call her.

If you were almost convinced by what she told you, you’re not necessarily the best person to counsel her about being scanned in the future and its for certain your husband isn’t. However, being asked to pay taxes should’ve been a heads up for any non-gullible person at any age. It sounds to me like your mother may have been falling for things like this for a whole lot longer than you realize and is mortified that you know she has been taken and doesn’t want to tell you for how much. Who can blame her! The fact that she lives alone but you don’t know anything about her finances is also telling. She probably wants to remain independent and keep her personal affairs private, especially if your husband is the type of person who habitually talks down to women and people who are less powerful or intelligent than he thinks he is. Just about now, she’s probably regretting she ever told you anything about it. Your remark about her social life, putting her on speaker phone with your husband and characterizing her internet activities as “getting into trouble” suggests that you may be as condescending as your husband seems to be.

In the future, I would suggest that you deal with your mother directly and personally and leave your husband out of it. No healthy 75 year old parent likes to be talked down to by a child’s husband. How your 75 year old mother chooses to spend her time is also not really your concern. If she needs money, wait until she asks for it. You and your husband have already made her feel dumb enough.

Once they are able to get money from someone, they go on a list and become a target from many others.

It’s imperative that you convince her not to buy into these scams, these people are professionals and many of us could get caught off guard in the right circumstances

One's approach & delivery will make a person either listen, or be offended and/or leave them feeling disrespected, etc.

If I overheard the volume, tone, and words spoken, I could most likely determine how your mother may have felt. It appears your lack of discretion by having your mother on speakerphone contributed to her shutting down since you stated, "My mother is very sensitive to men acting like they are smarter than her - and my husband's voice inflection was parental"

I recommend that you tell your mother how much you love her and how you don’t want anyone to ever take advantage or scam her. Share the warnings from the U.S. Postal Inspection Service - read them together to help her gain insight at:

https://www.uspis.gov/tips-prevention/older-americans

Let her know that the next time someone asks for money, you and her can research together whether the company is legitimate or not.

Does your mom have an answering machine ?

is she alert enough to answer only family and friends no matter how excited or sad or pathetic or happy they are ?

can she understand that someone might be calling a “wrong number” instead of hers ?

or can she have a phone with a blocking service ?

Sometimes if a parent is resistant to giving up control of their finances you have to do what you can without them knowing. I have POA but my father will never ever admit he should not be handling his bills anymore. Even though he took his property tax bills into the bank to try to pay them. He just thinks everyone else is being difficult and won’t take his payment. He owns multiple rental properties so it’s a lot to keep track of. I also worry he could be scammed. Here is what I am doing to try to get control of his finances to protect him…

-I am on his accounts, so for the really important bills like property taxes, insurance, mortgages, life insurance, etc., I had the bills set to electronic delivery to my email address and no more paper bills to him. Then I pay them out of his accounts with checks I ordered for myself or set them up for automatic payment out his accounts. I also switched his bank statements to electronic delivery going to me. Out of sight, out of mind. I make sure they get paid, and he keeps his dignity by not even knowing I am doing it. I leave him just enough bills to pay on his own, and the small ones that aren’t going to cause a big problem if they are late or not paid at all, so he doesn’t get too suspicious. If he asks where a bill is I tell him, “Oh, you already paid that one”, and that seems to be enough.

-I put alerts on his accounts so if any check tries to clear over a certain amount, I set it at $250, I get a text and an email asking if this check is legitimate. If it isn’t I can put a stop on it and it won’t clear his account.

- I went to the bank and told the manager my father was having memory problems and to please keep an eye on him if he were to come in with anybody and try to withdrawal cash, or try to take out a large sum on his own. I was heartened that she said they were aware of my father’s confusion as they had noticed it, and had their eye on him and his accounts and they would call me if they saw anything suspicious. She also said that most banks keep an eye on their senior citizens more closely than other customers. I also told them that he is not “allowed” to take out more than $500 a week. Any more than that and they need to call me.

- I went to the big three credit reporting agencies and froze my father’s credit. That way nobody can take out a CC in his name and he can’t take out any new ones of finance any purchases. I did this after he had a car towed away after it broke down on the freeway and he took a cab home from 60 miles away and we never found the car as he didn’t have any info on who towed it away. So he went out the next day and just financed a new car. No more big purchases for him. I had to put an end to that.

- I cancelled two of his four credit cards so he can’t use them anymore, and then took them out of his wallet. When he asked where they were I said they had expired and we were waiting for the new ones. Then on the two remaining cards I had the limit lowered and did the same that I did with his bank accounts. I get an alert if a charge is made over a certain amount and I can deny it.

It’s a lot of work to get it all set up initially, but the best way I could think of to try to protect him. Especially as I live 3000 miles away on the opposite coast and have to rely on others to look in on him during the week, for now.

When I took over finances for my mom, I opened a new checking account for her. I kept a few hundred in that account and would transfer more in as needed. Mom could still make donations and buy things but couldn't lose a lot since there wasn't a ton of money in the account.
When she started making multiple donations to certain charities we went over them all and she decided who she still wanted to donate to. I made a list in large print along with a column for each year so she could see how much she donated the year before so she wasn't a victim of donation amount creep. When she donated she would write the amount for that year and wouldn't make more than one donation a year unless she really wanted to.
She still had control but couldn't get into too much trouble. She was in Al and I took care of all her other bills
Telling any phone person that they have to talk to you first would be a good practice.

I am so sorry for her. It is very easy to fall for a scam, even if you are not elderly. Think of all the people who click on links in emails or will get help from tech support who attach "keystroke recorders" on the unsuspecting victim's computers.

We schooled my Mom that she was NEVER to "get" anything over the phone. Because she needed a reply to use, she would always say "I need to talk to my son. May I have your phone number and name and I will call you back". It turns out this is one of the most effective weapons against a scam. If the scammer does not give a phone number with a name immediately and hang up, chances are that the phone call is a scam. If they argue with you, then it is a scam. If they bully you, it is a scam. The chances are high that they cannot call you back once you get off the phone with them. The longer you are on the phone with them, the greater the chance that you will be drawn into the scam.

My Mom had only 1 credit card and it was a Discover card. At the time, most businesses only took Mastercard or Visa. That also stopped a few scammers. If your Mom used a credit card to give the scammers money, perhaps you could get her a different branded card that is more difficult to use for phone purchases. Since this has already happened once, it might be better if she does not have a credit card in her possession. Most credit card companies can issue a 1 time use number if she wants to order something through the mail. Is it possible to cancel the old card number and get a new number and not let her know the old number has been cancelled?

We told my Mom if anyone called her saying we were in jail, she is not to provide any money. She is to immediately hang up and call another one of the children or grandchildren. We said that we would rather have her hang up on us and leave us in jail, rather than give someone money which doesn't guarantee our release anyway.

My Mom never did like the computer for doing her finances. She visited the banks, She liked to touch and feel the goods before purchasing. For that we were grateful.

When I initially went to the banks with her, they would take her aside and ask her questions. Then they would ask me for my id and ask me the same questions to see if the answers were the same. I was grateful for those small checks.

My mother also moved into a condo which required a key to get through the main door. This eliminated the door-to-door salesmen and missionaries and the people who want to repair your driveway or your roof.

One can no longer tell if a phone call is a spam call anymore since the calls from foreign countries now use a spoofer to have caller id be a local number. After many calls of 1 or 2 rings and no one there, my Mom let the phone ring at least 5 times before she would attempt to pick it up. They tried the "grandchild is in jail" trick and she asked them for the full name of the child. She wanted the middle name, they just hung up. I happened to be with her when the call came through. That is when we told her that under no circumstance is she to believe those phone calls.

To add insult to injury, now that your Mom has been successfully scammed, she is now on "the list." This is a "victim" list that is sold to other scammers. People who have been scammed once, will generally be scammed again because they were embarrassed the first time and will try and make up what they lost...and get scammed again and again and again. The scammers are relying on the fact that these people are too embarrassed to get help, therefore they are now easy targets.

There are several pamphlets on scams, what they might look like and how you can protect yourself, that are available from your state's Office of Aging. If your Mom can still read, I would suggest that you pick up some pamphlets and let her read them. I suggest that you read it also and discuss strategies with her.

The only defense against scams is preparation and education.

I would recommend looking at online resources and potentially work with her bank or your bank for suggestions. Assure her it can happen to anyone and that scammers are sophisticated and really good at what they do. If it’s too good to be true- it is.

its time to get access to her finances and monitor, help, etc to avoid future issues. the approach needs to be soft and out of love and support. I would ask for her to trust you in decisions over a set limit to start and with major withdrawals, etc. I had to convince my dad to take down his ‘cash’. Majority are now in annuities, stocks, rather than checking/savings as the funds are harder to get to in the former.

my dad no longer uses a computer. There was so much compromised, we eliminated use. He could not adapt to an iPhone or iPad. Would an iPad work for your mom for better security (not fool proof)?

my father was scammed over several years. First with computer software purchase, then with gift cards and then later with a married woman the age of my brother who weaseled her way in and benefited (as well as her husband and kids). Once I saw a cashiers check to her while monitoring, I approached an attorney and was told to friend her and move him to keep him close. I did and she has no idea if he is alive today. She keeps reaching out … we don’t answer. Elder abuse laws vary by state and kids can seem as meddling to protect estate interests. It’s important to get a handle on this now while it can be done reasonably.

This is an ongoing issue we have with our mom - SWEEPSTAKES- including PCH as recent as 2 weeks ago, when she called my 2 siblings who live 45 - 60 minutes away that they must come to her house immediately for a financial matter! She called them 11x that evening so 1 of them came to find out that PCH sent her a letter saying she may have won a $1 million.

Because mom generally writes checks, including to the charities and sweepstakes scams (she gets 8-10 mailings each day), she’s encountered the scammers bleaching her checks and have unauthorized withdrawals from her bank account. Since the beginning of the year, I’m aware of such withdrawals amounting to $500, $500, $1000, $15,000 (which led us to close this account) and open another (but as you see, she’s still at it)!

I read a scientific article recently that said falling for these sweepstakes scams is an early sign of dementia. Mom was diagnosed with late-onset ALZ two years ago. Mom, who had always been financially tight, used to tell us kids that such sweepstakes were scams.

This happened to my Mom while she was on Oxy - it causes a cognitive decline for her. She was approached by a reliable friend on Facebook.

Same thing, PCH. They got all her information. Social security number, date of birth, birthplace, maiden name, mother’s maiden name, credit card number.

I filed a police report, went to the bank and investment company office. It is a small town, I didn’t have a POA, but I showed them the screenshots. They knew the guy whose account had been hacked. Unofficially, there was an alert placed on her accounts. I had her cancel her credit card and get a new one.

I’m slightly resigned that her identity has been stolen and this could go very badly.

She was frustrated with her ipad and had me get her a new one. I kept the old one and every so often I check her Facebook and email.

I’ve thought about checking her credit report - and I’ve tried to have her check it when we are together.

If it makes her feel a little better you could tell her about the 40 yr old man from Akron Oh who was scammed out of $200.000 to who he thought was a single woman.

Please talk to her doctor. Falling for scams can be a symptom of cognitive decline.

You could see if your mom would be onboard with you taking over her fiances.
There really is no way for a person to not feel dumb when they realize they've been scammed. Especially if other people know about it. Your mother not being comfortable discussing how much she shelled out to these scammers means she probably gave them a lot.
All you can do is speak to her plainly. She got scammed. She's not the first, she won't be the last. Feeling embarrassed can help a person become more careful.

You could get her a different phone number after you educate her. But if she answers scam calls, she’ll soon get more. Ask her to name you as a trusted contact on her financial accounts. That way if the bank senses that something isn’t right, they’ll contact you and you can nip it in the bud.

My mother thought a similar thing as well, she was hooked on PCH, bought all kinds of junk from them.

We convinced her not to keep doing this, she agreed, didn't for a couple of years, then she started all over again.

She is now in AL and all her mail comes to my brother at his house, finally ended the nonsense.

She didn't lose a lot but more than she should have.

My opinion she will not stop, she is hooked, that is why so many old women get caught up in the Nigerian scams, lonely and unable to make sensible decisions.

I think that you should discard the hopefulness part, and sit down with her and be honest, most important do not give her any money.

Good Luck.

I am so sorry. I was on my Moms accts so I was able to get access them. TG she got rid of her credit cards when Dad died and just lived on what she brought in. She was never one to buy unless she really needed it.

My Mom did not have caller ID. I drummed it in to her that if the call was about donating to a charity or someone selling something tell them her daughter handled her money. She was very good about this but did get sucked in once.

Do you remember the Vets and their lightbulbs? Mom bought them everytime they called. Well she got a call saying "Its time to order ur lightbulbs". So of course she assumed it was the Vets. Well the price of the bulbs were outrageous (like $80) and she said no I can't afford that. So they got her down to 50-1 gallon bags at the cost of $35.00 this included shipping. I know this because she fessed up that she thought she may have boobed. They sent the bags and billed her. TG she didn't have a credit card. Shipping was $8 so the bags were $27. The bags were no better than the $1 store ones. I called the company (no not the Vets) and told them I was sending them back and needed a shipping label. They told me to keep the bags and they would delete the charges. In the background you could hear kids. I looked up the company and only got a phone# no website.

I am sure my MIL fell for the same scam because she had a box of trash bags in her garage, from them, when we cleaned out her house.

I so hope your Mom didn't send alot of money. And by the way PCH is a scam in itself. So she shouldn't be dealing with them in any way.

JoJo, this is a common issue raised and addressed here, and there are a lot of posts from others in a comparable situation.

Click on the white magnifying glass to the left of your avatar on the blue to green bar at the top of the page, and search for "scams". You'll get a lot of hits for other threads addressing the same issue.

As long as your mom has access to her own money this will continue to happen until she loses it all.