My dad is 90 years old and still very competent. My mom is 83 and ailing with Alzheimers. Once a beautiful, proud woman, she is now skin and bones. She is double incontinent, but won't wear depends anymore. Refuses to change clothes. Refuses to let us bathe her. Screams, yells leave me alone and gets violent. My sister, Aunt and I think its time for a nursing home. My dad is very adamant he has taken care of her this long, and "she can't last much longer". And he is set in his ways that he will care for her the best he can until she passes. Of course family stops by everyday to check on them. Get their groceries. He prepares her meals but she just nibbles, as he tries to feed her. She can't even see anymore. We are at a loss as to what to do.
If you read your post, you will see that your father “will care for her the best HE can until she passes”, while your mother “refuses to let US bathe her”. In other words F is not doing all the care, even if he thinks he is. You, your sister and your aunt are propping up F to care for M. Plus you say that family members are ‘stopping by every day to check on them’, and do jobs for them. F isn’t doing it alone.
This difficult situation will probably only stop if and when other people stop propping up F. It’s hard to do, in order to push your views onto a resistant F. If F has a fall or illness, that will probably be the time when the situation falls over by itself. If it just gets worse gradually, unfortunately it’s like the frog in the water that gets hotter and hotter slowly. But do the research you need, and if there is a crisis in F’s care, be ready to implement the other plans – even if it starts out as respite care. DON’T try to rise to cope.
Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret
A Nurse will come at least 1 time a week to check on mom.
A CNA will come at least 2 times a week and bathe mom. (The Hospice CNA's can work magic with people that refuse to bathe)
Dad will get all the equipment that he needs to care for mom
All the supplies will be delivered as well as any medications mom is on.
And Medicare requires that a Hospice has Volunteers so dad can request a Volunteer that can do some light house cleaning or the Volunteer can sit with mom while dad goes out on some errands or just takes a break.
“As best he can” isn’t good enough. Is she lying there in her body waste because she won’t wear Depends? Does he bathe her or tend to skin care at all? If not, she can get painful skin sores and infection. In that case, his prophecy that she won’t last much longer will come true sooner rather than later. Is that what she’d want for herself?
I hope you can get hospice, but they don’t provide the main care. Others will still have to feed her, etc. Your mom needs full-time professional care now.
Then I thought "time to bring in Hospice' and it looks like that happened, pretty quickly.
Looks doubtful she will ever return home? Just be there for your dad. Let him know how appreciative you were for all the care he showed mom. He's likely feeeling a bit of a failure at the moment, yet nothing is less true!
I hope mom has a peaceful and clean passing.
**personal note: My next door neighbor is a gent who is 95 yo. His sweet wife is also 95. She is blind from macular degeneration, so he literally has to do everything for her. I stand amazed at the love this man has. She is also double incontinent, but he keeps her so immaculate! I do (as a neighbor) what I can to 'help' but this man is just praying she goes first b/c he cannot bear to not have her home with him. Their love story is so sweet and gives me hope in a mean, cold world.