Mom with terminal cancer refuses to accept her situation. Any suggestions?

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Mom with terminal cancer refuses to accept her situation. Any suggestions?

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My mom, who has terminal lung cancer with Metastasis to the brain, and has been on hospice since February, cannot accept that she is dying. She can no longer walk and barely move her limbs, she has a lot of trouble breathing and is on oxygen. She is visibly declining rapidly. Yet she insists she can walk if we get her help, and that she is fine. She is fighting it every step of the way and dragging out her suffering. This is heartbreaking to me. Is this how everyone is when they approach death?

End of Life Fear of Death Lung Cancer

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I would talk with her doctor about the brain cancer and ask of that could be affecting her ability to see reality.

My sister never accepted that she was dying and continually said she was going to get better.

I am so sorry that your mom is dying and not able to accept it. It is hard.

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When my dad first decided on hospice care at home there was a brief honeymoon period when he was trying hard to convince himself and everyone else that he was going to get better. He was very persuasive. And then the symptoms he’d battled so long hit with a vengeance and all that quickly went away. Use hospice as your ally, have their social worker or chaplain discuss end of life with your mom. They can do it in a way that you can’t, and she’ll listen to them in a way she won’t with you. Tell her hospice nurse that her agitation is increasing, we used Haldol or Ativan for this with good success. The meds are there to calm and comfort and that’s exactly what they do. I wish you both peace

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Yes she is on haldol. She doesn't want the chaplain at all!

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No, everyone is different. I am 78 and in good health and OH SO READY. We all feel different about this. Some fight to the end. Admire her fighting spirit them. As a nurse I know that the one thing you NEVER NEVER take from a patient is hope. If she hopes to live do not insist to her that she cannot/that she will not. She doesn't want to go gently into that good night. She wants to fight. Admire her for it, encourage her, tell her she is doing great. There may come a time she tells you she is tired and she is ready. And there MAY NOT. This is our last decision, and one that should be all ours. We can hope to the end that there will be some miracle; or we can accept and ask for the good drugs. Let it be her decision no matter it is hard for her. Do not ever tell her to "go to the light". I know a friend whose bro died of AIDS in her arms. A nurse she had nursed him through to the last seconds, and when she told him "You can leave, Nick. Move to the light" he looked up at her with wild eyes and she told me she knew she had told him the wrong thing--for HIM--to hear. He looked at her like "What the H....? Am I DYING?????" and he was panicked.
Leave it to her. Let her do it her way.
And the very best for you. You are there for her in this passage; that is all you can do.

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Thanks for writing this. I am bothered by the advice that recommends giving "permission" to one's loved ones to go ahead and die. As someone who has been in position of being the one in the bed (one of my surgeons told me later that I couldn't have been any closer to death without actually dying!), I disagree with that thinking.

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My best friend had stage 4 breast cancer & she was in total denial the whole time (except, I think this changed in her last couple of days, though she never came right out & said so). My friend had always been 110% hard core realist, so this was really hard to deal with. I was her primary caregiver & I decided to "let it be." I decided that it was not up to me to put anything in her face, as she was the one who was going through this. I've never regretted that decision.
My very best to you.

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I follow her lead. It is just painful to watch her cling on and think she can walk again and travel and go back to her life. I keep my thoughts to myself though, and smile and nod.

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This will be so painful for you anyway, Mia. So painful. Let her do it her way so that you are left with no regrets other than her loss; some day you may celebrate her brave fight to live one more day. My Dad was so ready to go, longed for death so much; I myself am so ready to go at 78. But my Mom? There was another case. She didn't want to go ANYWHERE and still had a stack of books to read. Last one I remember her reading was The Things They Carried, about the Viet Nam war. Celebrate her, your Mom. And celebrate your love.

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What an admirable spirit she has. Support her all the way with it. We’re all dying just at different stages of the journey.

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Hard for who? Let her be in her last moments. What greater gift can a child give?

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It sounds as though she feels one way about her condition and you feel completely differently.

If she isn’t doing a (or thinking) anything dangerous or unsafe, she really does sound like a feisty gal who want to “do it her way”.

Maybe you can feel a little less heartbroken if you try to realize how brave she is by choosing to fight what’s happening to her. If her doctors agree with her thoughts, it’s OK for you to agree with her agenda too.

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Miamimom, I’m really sorry to hear about your mother’s situation and the effect this is having on you. I agree with others: if this is how your mother wants to behave and think at this stage in her life, then it is probably best for her as well as you that you accept this. Perhaps also she doesn’t want to upset you any further by speaking about it. Some people don’t wish to acknowledge that they are dying, and that is their personal choice. My father didn’t ever discuss this with me when he was dying of lung cancer which had then spread to his back. He believed the chemo would cure him, right up to the end, even though we both knew he didn’t have very long left. I focused on telling him how brave and determined he’d been to keep getting to the hospital each time, even though it had been a real ordeal due to the pain he was in. We also reminisced about past events that made us laugh, and I talked about things I was planning for the future. By talking about my future, I was helping him to feel a part of that whilst at the same time letting him see that I and his grandson were his legacy and that he could face death knowing that he would be leaving some part of himself on earth when he had gone. Yes, the situation is heartbreaking, but I don’t regret not talking directly about death with my dad when he didn’t want to acknowledge it. It does place a greater burden on you, but try to be comforted by the fact that your mother is doing things on her terms and that by accepting this you are helping her.

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As I see it, to die is a very personal event and everyone has a right to die in their own way. I personally admire your mother. Accept that you are dying--why? What would you hope to gain for her by her acceptance. Should she be depressed, wailing, sitting and waiting to die? Let her be. Rejoice in her will to live. Don't subject your idea of dying onto her. You can die 'your' way when your time comes.

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It isn't how everyone dying approaches death, rather, many do want to continue to live and fight and keep optimistic attitudes in spite of what seems to be suffering in your view. It is much more common that family watching and attending, like you, think it is suffering and say upsetting things to the dying - like talking about death. My recommendation is don't talk about or imply death, with things like its OK to go etc...these are contrary to what your mom is thinking, doing, or wants to hear, so don't do it. Don't tell her that you are suffering watching her either. Try to act as normal, and supportive as possible, to the end. There are some great responses already in that regard.

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That will be how I exit. Our personalities follow us ... Fighting and denying and searching for a way to beat death and reverse my conditions till the end . My dad is a fighter . Autonomous 24/7 and self sufficient and thriving on his innate desire for purpose which is his innate natural primal motivator . When he’s weak, or depressed about his losses, he cries and becomes a couch potato ruminating repeating resenting . I prefer him as a fighter and I have to get the outside support to keep up with him. It’s when wrong treatments are used and safety concerns are initiated to protect elders that they begin to get worse and decline . Sitting causes clotting and build up of plaque as the blood doesn’t move thru. I will want people to walk me and let me get outside to feel the sun and wind and rain . Despite my stumbling, Ild want to feel my feet somewhat touching the ground . Hopefully they will permit adult walkers like a baby walker by then.

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Hello. Peace to you and your mom. I was a hospice family visitor volunteer for many years and if this is available & you have not yet taken advantage I highly recommend it. A family visitor will stay with your mom so you can have a break. They are well trained. I found over the years that my patients loved to talk about their life story, family and most would talk about dying and death. They told me they couldn’t talk to family about dying because it was too hard &/or they didn’t want to upset them. They appreciated having a 3rd party to talk to

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Take her outside for walks in a wheelchair. Look thru photo albums. Read to her. Music is soothing. Find something for her to do with her hands, laying in bed 24/7 is unbearable. Cancer in the brain I imagine could be part of why she is restless so try to be patient. Take time for yourself. You are important!

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Hi...
I'm no expert but my mom was put on morphine against our wishes & she left, ready to go off into the night.. wow this is hard to type.
I personally didn't know she was ready. She put herself in a nursing home to die.
Signing off..
Goodluck

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So very sorry for your loss Clou.

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Good for her. Death is hard to accept. We are all going to be there. It is even harder on the living.

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Juse let her think what she wants. Positive thinking is good.
Just show her love and make her as comfortable as you can and pray with her and for her.

It really doesn't help anyone especially your mom to keep telling her she's dieing.

As a dieing person, your mom should be able to do whatever she wants whenever she wants.

Let her know she's safe and loved and she'll be kept as comfortable as possible while she isn't feeling well.

If she doesn't want to hear tge die talk so what.

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I don’t know how others feel when they’re dying. But I know I don’t want to die. I’m frightened of it. I don’t think I could accept it and go quietly without heavy duty meds!

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No, it isn't. My mother, who was almost 95, was given two weeks to two months to live. After two weeks she said, "He (the doctor) said I had two weeks and Dammit, I am still here". I told her it might be two months. She wouldn't accept that, it should be just two weeks. I might add she passed a couple of days later.

My Aunt, who was 92 and living in AL, fell out of her wheelchair and hurt her leg. She was a retired nurse. She decided enough was enough. When she got to the ER, she told them no measures, and get that damn oxygen off her face. My cousin called me and I flew from California to Texas. When I got there, she thanked me for coming to help. I still tear up at that. She lasted 5 more days. I am glad I was there because her son, who was an only child, didn't know what to do. He is the same age as my kids.

My adopted grandson's real grandma, had COPD and heart issues. After spending 2 months in ICU because they couldn't get her to breath on her own. After two months, they told her she would be on a respirator for the rest of her life. She decided enough was enough. The family was called in to say goodby. My daughter told her we would look after her family and she and doctors did whatever they did to let her go peacefully.

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Having worked with the dying a lot there are three types
One denies they are dying and will not accept it.
There are those that are terrified of passing on to the other side
Finally are the ones that are at peace and look forward to passing on to the other side.

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she will come to terms with it

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I don't see what is wrong with a person having a strong will to live. I wouldn't try to convince someone they are dying. Mentally, you may want to live, however physically there will come a time that the body wears out and can no longer go on and you pass....when it's your time to pass. I would prefer hopeful and positive thoughts over the alternative.
If she thinks she can walk and there is someone to assist, let her try. Just make sure to have the help she would need to avoid a fall. What's it going to hurt? A lady I knew, nearly 100, finally had to go to the hospital for a variety of things that were getting her nearer to her demise. She asked her dear friend to help her walk to the car and he did. He did more helping than she did walking, but he did it. As she sat down, she said I know I won't be back to my house and that I have walked my last mile.

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Every person is different. You see her suffering and inevitable death. She sees that she still has life and is fighting this disease for her independence. Best option is to support her in her desires: to be mobile, to do, to live... until God takes those options away.

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Support her in doing what she wants to do. She is near the end but doesn't want to face it and that is normal. Don't take things away from her. Let her lead a normal a life as possible to make her life happier.

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My mother was also a fighter, and had a mastectomy, chemo and radiotherapy for her breast cancer – all very difficult. It ‘went away’ for10 years, then metastases came back. The oncologist wanted to do it all again (money, money, money), the physician said no to me but wouldn’t be blunt to mother. I asked him in her presence how much longer she would have after the 6 months of treatment, and he said perhaps another month or two. She immediately said no.

It your mother’s ‘fighting every step of the way’ includes drugs, perhaps you could do the same – ask the doctor in her presence how much longer she will have. The truth might help her see things differently.

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I would guess she was hoping for another ten years. Good for you for being her advocate and not putting her through all that again.

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Imho, every person is going to be different, e.g. to some, the will to live is so great. My own late grandfather had suffered a medical emergency, BUT he had to will to hang on until his 3 adult children arrived by his side (insert - they had an 18-hour drive to get to him). Prayers to you and your dear mother.

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Is your mother a believer in God? If so, be sure to let her know you'll be fine once she goes to be with Him. Many times, our loved ones are scared to let go because they think we won't be able to go on without them. Sometimes they need permission to let go. Speak to hospice about it, they should be able to guide you accordingly. They know all about such things as they've seen it all before. They even have a chaplain who can speak to your mom about transitioning. Or, if she has a priest or clergyman she likes, let him speak to her.

If your mother is not a believer in God, there may be nothing you can say or do to convince her that dying isn't the end but a new beginning, you know? You can read her some books about near death experiences and how others have been overjoyed to realize there IS more to death than 'nothingness'. Dr. Mary C. Neal has a good book out called To Heaven And Back; beautifully written and just a lovely book in general.

Having your mom hang on and getting all this advice about 'there's nothing wrong with having hope' etc is that hanging on prolongs her SUFFERING and fear. That is not, and should not, be anyone's goal. Death is inevitable for all of us, whether we're afraid to die or whether we embrace it. The key is to help your mother embrace and accept the inevitable so she can come to terms with it rather than fight it.

When my father took his final trip to the ER for his brain tumor, they told him it had grown and there was nothing else they could do for him. He accepted that discussion and passed away 19 days later. For that, we are all grateful. That he was spared the agony of a long departure and we were spared watching him suffer. My mother, on the other hand, will fight tooth and nail every step of the way because she has no real belief system in place, which is sad. If I get a chance, I too will read her Dr Mary Neal's book when the time is right.

Sending you a hug and a prayer for acceptance and a quick and peaceful passing for your dear mom.

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This is exactly how I feel. That she is prolonguing her agony. But it is her choice and I will support her as best I can.

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Thank you all for your anwers. I think many misunderstood in that I am forcing her to accept she is dying. I am in mo way doing that.
We do a lot of things together and she stays busy. My girls see her every day and make her smile.

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That is great, Mia. I am glad you aren't trying to dictate how Mom should approach her own disease. Just let her take the lead.

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I also have an incyrable and unstoppable disease, and I am happier now since I have come to terms with the facts. When I was mean, angry, and making others the same, it was a terrible world I made for myself.
Now, I take advantage of anythign I can, and if I go, I am gone. I hear heaven is a Hoot!

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It sounds like she has a strong will. Let her leave here on her own terms the way she wants. That is her right and all she has left. Look at it that way and you will be better for it. So sorry.

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Mom with terminal cancer refuses to accept her situation. Any suggestions?

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