She has a place that is falling apart and most of her stuff is still there. Every time I mention going and selling she changes the subject. The place has black mold too. It can no longer be lived in. She has dementia and hallucinations. I ask her why is she holding on to it and she said she was going to live there. She cant of course. What to do to get her to understand. If I have power of attorney can I sell it?
She didn’t want anyone to come to help her, wanted to see if she could manage (hadn’t been out of the house in 2 years, hadn’t driven in years). She got lost the first time she was out and it took her 4 hours to get home.
Things went downhill from there. She is now in assisted living. Once she was in assisted living, it was clear she was never going to return home. She thought the house was haunted. It took about 2 months with a lot of help to get all the stuff accumulated over 60 years out of the house to include feces destroyed furniture and crammed stuff in the attic.
Not much was salvageable. The house was falling down around her. People thought nobody was living there when she was living there.
With the pandemic, it took 7 months to fix it and the eighth month to go to settlement. We were so happy it sold before interest rates went up. It was a millstone around her neck and ours. My MIL just didn’t realize what a pain it was because she had never had to worry about anything regarding the house. Her husband took care of everything. When he passed, she thought her son would be the same. He is more like her. He doesn’t know much and looks at me. I marched him to the house, pointed out the problems, called the appropriate contractors- exterminators, plumbers, electricians, and then tamed with him about how best to sell the house. I even found someone to cut the grass and take care of the landscaping until everything was completed.
We did tell her the house sold. I thought it might be a good idea. It probably wasn’t. She was angry, but she is perpetually angry and enjoys being in that state. She feels that she has not gotten what she wanted - to make everybody miserable in their own home and to buy, buy, buy, and spend down her money on trash nobody wants. She wanted to live in my remodeled detached garage with a dog that isn’t house trained. I told her that the house rules would be too burdensome for her - senior daycare, no shopping, no dog, that she’d not be able to watch tv all day and that she would have to get out regularly to be with people. Not in her personality. Where she is, works perfectly for her and she receives the care she needs and the house no longer needs to be taken care of nor does it attract unwanted attention.
You are to be commended.
But sometimes you have to do what needs to be done.
You are not alone. This kind of thing happens.
Can Mom understand about selling her property?
If no, if you suspect she beyond making financial & lifestyle decisions, obtain a medical opinion on this. Then check the POA & obtain the legal OK.
Then sell.
The elderly have to be protected and oftentimes when they have dementia they are unable to make right decisions. It's one thing to let them pick out an outfit out of two options or how would they like their eggs but you mentioned mold--you can't have this. You can get very sick from black mold.
The elderly, they can't see that their brain is wearing out and you have to make sure they are safe even if they don't agree with you. This covers a lot of territory--follow up doctor appointments, dispensing meds at the proper time, good nutrition, hydration--water and they are able to exercise, physical therapy, socialization, etc.
Everyone I know, myself included, wants to remain in their home--their castle. Do you blame them. Unless you get can 24-hour coverage, clean out, streamline, day respite and someone over night to supervise, how else could one do this?
You need to get the paperwork in order. Your mother's primary care doctor will help you. This is quite common. You don't want your mother to wander or to be outside in the wintertime with a Summer outfit on. You're going to have to take the reigns, just like when I took Mom's car keys off of her. I sensed something was wrong and with the Lewy Body Dementia the peripheral vision goes and that's what was happening. Mom does have an ID so she thinks she still has a driver's license (although she does not drive).
I have a neighbor who is knocking on my window to ask for food--there has been a change in her. Always well dressed but I don't feel she is eating properly.
I feel I have the responsibility to contact her family and I plan on doing that.
I would hope someone would do that for me. I know it's hard but it's the right thing to do. This will only escalate and you want to avert an unnecessary trip to the hospital. There are a lot of resources out there, social worker, elderly attorney, the Church. People are good, all families at one time or another have their turn in the barrel.
I hope this helped.
It is called ELDER ABUSE to ask your love one a 4th time!! The third time hearing No, caregiver notes that your love one DECLINED a shower that day.
This is not always a caregiver being lazy or trying to get out of doing something. Many caregivers are doing their job following the rules.
It might help you get a better understanding of what to really expect from the care facility by giving the facility your feedback on how you see the caregivers trying to get out of doing something.
In California it is important to know when your POA valid. Sometimes POA's are invalid upon the death of your loved one. Then the executor of a trust or will would be in charge of selling the house and remaining assets. Are you the executor or coexecutor upon the loved ones death?
Good luck.
and, yes, with Power of Attorney, you can do it. It's a bit complicated with the title company. But they can figure it out.
An Elder Law Attorney can help you sort through all your issues and come up with a plan.
Make sure you put the home sale money into her own personal bank acct and then make good notes as to what each ck is used for (for her care) in the event she runs out of money and has to go to NH and get Medicaid bed. Medicaid looks back 5 years - so have the contract for house sale available and each amt used from those monies accounted for. You should have no problems w/ Medicaid if you keep good records.
Appraisers really won’t necessarily go underneath the house to look at the piers nor will they crawl up into the rafters or walk the roof, but a residential inspector will & will take pictures.
As others have said, if Medicaid is ever anticipated to be applied for, Medicaid will want the house sold at FMV. FMV tends to be the tax assessor value IF no appraisal done to establish a different FMV. Please please look at your moms tax assessor bill, if its whack for what it could ever be sold for realistically, you kinda need to get an appraisal done. Also Medicaid will want it sold at “arms length”, so no FSBO to family or a neighbor at less than FMV. It easier to have a Realtor do the sale to avoid any issues like this.
Should the Realtor want things done (fresh paint, updated appliances, some landscaping) to make it more market ready, those costs need to be paid for by your mom as she is the property owner. If you pay for things and are wanting to be reimbursed from Act of Sale $, that will pose an issue for Medicaid as it looks like gifting. Medicaid tends to take the position that what we do for our parents or their property we do out of a sense of familial responsibility AND WITHOUT EXPECTATION to be reimbursed. Trying to get Medicaid to look at any $ from mom to you other than gifting will not be simple to get done.
If it needs to be sold “as is”, please make that clear to Realtor. Realtors tend to push the seller to do things as they know a refreshed house will sell better. If the $ is not there, make it beyond clear that nothing will be done; that it is truly “as is”.
Please do check to see if your mom is current on property taxes. If she has gone delinquent and she cannot pay them, delinquency can usually be taken out from her Act of Sale $. Ask the Realtor about this to make sure. Be aware that unpaid property taxes have significant interest & fees placed.
As far as getting Mom to understand, with dementia that won't happen.
You may need to seek guardianship. If you have that you can sell the home. Be certain you sell it for market value (probably just the land) and put it in Mom's assets. That level of assets will likely mean that if Mom must ever enter care she will be self pay until she spends that money down.
I never gave my Mom choices after the early stages. Of course Mom thinks she is going home. She is in her own little world. There is no reasoning with her because that ability is gone.
Your roles have changed. You are now the parent and Mom the child. You just make her decisions for her or nothing will ever get done. The one thing that bugged me when Mom was in Rehabs and the AL was they asked her "do you want to go to therapy" "do you need to go to the toilet" Of course Mom said no. I told one aid just tell her or take her. I was told the other residents say the aides are mean when they don't ask. The therapist that asked if she wanted to go to therapy, I said just take her. I never gave my Mom a choice. "Come on Mom time to get a shower" She went with me with no problem.
perfect for them, less work for them.
and then they play dumb. “ohhh, you don’t want me to - ask - your mother? you want me to - tell - your mother to shower? ohhhh. okkkk then.”
they’re playing dumb. of course they know they shouldn’t give a choice - but that means more work for them, because then they must help with the shower.
it’s the easiest-trick-in-the-world for aides. many aides, in every country, try the same trick.
It was very sad when I did this. One of the few things she could remember was her address and she very clearly wanted to move back home, even when she had long left reality. But I used the money to pay for her care.
One note - when I sold it, I hunted for a realtor who specialized in selling senior citizen's homes, and she had taken the time to become certified in this area. She understood what I needed right away and was a great help. When I went to the closing, they also were prepared for this kind of sale, and told me exactly what I had to sign, and how I was to sign it (many words which in essence said I was acting for the older adult) and how many times I had to sign that way (many times lol).
I found this out helping my dad sell a property in NV and we needed to get this specific POA signed. Thankfully he was able to understand and sign, otherwise it would have had to wait until he passed.
I would just sell the property. However, you need to get a certified appraisal, because it may be a complete tear down and have no value beyond the land. You want this document if Medicaid will be in the picture, they will need proof from a pro to accept anything below Fair Market Value.
Who ever is POA should do what they have to do and sell the property, funds to be used for mom's care. (if the property has been vacant for a while and has been devalued due to neglect it is partly the responsibility of the POA who should have stepped in and managed this as soon as POA was effective)
You don't need to get her to agree to the transaction... if I were you I wouldn't even tell her it's happening. if it's in her best interests to sell it and pay for her current and future needs, then it is legitimate. You can tell her a "therapeutic fib" if she even asks about the house after it's gone.
Also, it would be worth the expense of taking the PoA documents to an elder law attorney to have them educate you on what this role requires, and also talk to a Medicaid Planner for your state so that you don't inadvertently delay or disqualify your Mom from receiving this aid if necessary.
Also if you have a document prepared by a professional who is trained an/or licensed in the area of geriatric cognitive assessment that identifies and describes your mother’s current mental status, you can at least in my state (not TX), make a stronger case for assuming your responsibility as POA.
Suggestion- it’s no longer a courtesy or kindness to her to try to “discuss” matters regarding her care. What has to be done to make and keep her life SAFE and PEACEFUL are in the process of becoming YOUR responsibility.
You are facing a difficult point (for YOU, NOT HER) in her care, but trust that most of us have gotten through it, and although it may result in your shedding some tears or second guessing yourself once in a while, making the best decisions you can find, with love and respect for her, and who she is now, and what she needs to be SAFE and PEACEFUL, will let you move forward.
Hoping you will be taking good care of yourself also, as you continue in supervising her are…..