My mother is deeply depressed, anxious, hypochondriac,incredibly critical, and really physically sick.
just don't know the degree. My mom is 81, had aggressive breast cancer in 2010. Finished chemo and radiotherapy and followed up on her health state but stopped about two years ago. I'm not sure if it's come back as there's no medical help being seeked. My mom doesn't want to see a doctor, and i don't blame her although it is irresponsible, I know, but she is over everything else INCREDIBLY depressed, death appeals to her tremendously. Every day is a battle to figure out how, if possible, to get her our of the deep black, sad hole she is. My mom has always been extremely critical and judgemental, but now it's that times 10,000%. No one other than me can take care of her, she hurts people. She hurts me too, has always, but it's the only way she knows to be. At this point, when she's so down, which is always, and she tells me that she wants to just die (always too), and/or I can see her physical/mental pain, like a desire to get out of her own body and skin! It's so unbelievably hard to watch, and NOT KNOW what to do. Please help with any suggestions. Some times I tell her I need help with something so she gets up and out, and mostly she does, but then she blames me for making her do things that will make her sick (she gets colds, suffers from really bad body pain, so many side effects that live with you after chemo, too many!). She's a very intelligent woman and an intellectual being. She does Facebook and writes beautifully but can't see well, a cataract surgery has become so hard to accomplish because of her personality too, that would help her a great deal! To see, read better.
My question is how do you take out of the shadows someone that wants to die, and that needs constant mental simulation to not be in the darkest places. I think I really cannot reach her. As gralbinforfation we live overseas (I moved from the US to be with het, not working now but have some savings). My mom has been diagnosed in the past with AR and "light" lupus, chronical bronquitis and like I mentioned, not sure where we are with cancer. Never diagnosed but obvious, deep depression, anxiety and hypochondriac behavior (yes, aside from the illnesses she has). I don't want to make this about how I feel, I just need help understanding how to help her. Thank you! !
so, let me point out that you can't be responsible for someone else's happiness. no matter what you do, she won't be happy.
Options? call Hospice. if she really wants to die and wants no further treatment, her pain should at least be addressed. It's also an opportunity to have a serious discussion about her end of life choices and documenting them through an advance directive.
normally, I'd suggest getting her to a geriatric psychiatrist to address her psychic pain, but she probably won't go for that.
I would put a timeframe togeether for yourself. are you willing to do this for another 5 years? 10? keep your options open as to resuming your career. and read some of the other threads on here about folks who have moved with their elderly parents.
Do you know what her doctors have told her? Has anyone diagnosed her? I've read that some people are labeled as having "thick file syndrome." Of course, it's tricky when the patient really does have actual medical conditions like cancer and heart disease.
I stopped responding to health complaints after the doctors said that her complaints were not substantiated with actually illnesses. Tests revealed she had a great heart and arteries, but she couldn't accept it. All good news was downplayed by her. I finally stopped responding and would ignore the multiple and continuous complaints and just say, see your doctor, if you must.
Finally, she told her primary that she thought she needed to see a psychiatrist. I have no idea why. Plus, she went on meds. Counting my blessings.
Since you live long distance, it might be possible to write down your feelings for her. How would you feel about that? Could you beg her for a psychiatric evaluation or would she shush it? I have thought about getting my own mental health therapist and getting advice from them as to how to handle it. I still may do that. It's almost as stressful for the family as the patient.
Your mother won't see a doctor. Not to get her cataracts treated, not to get checked out. Well, those things are her choice to make. And if she feels that she doesn't want to see a doctor because she doesn't want to get pushed into accepting aggressive treatment, she has a point. If that's so, it might help you to see if you can find a good palliative care specialist who wouldn't push her to do anything. Ask around.
I am sorry that your mother has had such wretched times. I don't minimise them, or blame her for not handling them better. She has had a heck of a hand dealt her.
But all the same I'm more worried about you, actually. What does it do to a person to be constantly rejected by the mother s/he's trying to save, especially when that mother really does need help and there really are things that could be done for her?
Get allies. You don't need your mother's permission to research services in her area and find out who the best suited specialists and advisers are. Then you speak to them and get their advice on what to tell her about what might be possible. After that, you can present practical options. If she still refuses them, you're no worse off.
And whether she refuses them or not, you need to take care of yourself. I think you are being tortured. What might help you protect yourself?
It is SO hard to feel that you have the entire life of another human being in your hands, specially one that you love, despite their personality, despite if they are mistaken in the way they live their life and the way they impacted yours and keep impacting you negatively. It's SO hard, when it's two lives you need to take care of, and one of them is yours, it becomes an easy choice, yet bad choice, as to who needs to sacrifice something, in my case that choice is me, because I know if I don't pull the weight for both of us, we both will sink. I so hope that surgery goes well and she recovers quickly, oh, and she had to get her blood tested for the surgery and her results were all great! Her hemoglobin was higher than ever since the chemotherapy, I'd like to think that the fact that I'm now here, cooking for her and making her eat (she was by herself before and many times told me that she hadn't eaten anything and it was 9pm already), so I've been here two months and hope my presence is making in a few ways, some difference. I know God will help me rebuild my life, I need my faith and I have it. He knows the importance of what I'm doing. For those of you that also struggle and feel you cannot deal with it anymore, if you have faith, hang on to that! It's sometimes all we have, but it's also all we need!
I have my fingers crossed for the cataract surgery. Maybe a little more light on her retinas and seeing things more clearly will make a difference. Good thoughts and hope coming your way from here in Bama.
So, I will continue praying for her health, her reaching some peace of mind, if possible, and me not dying in the process! And I mean that as a joke, because in these situations, if you don't force yourself to laugh, you can truly hurt your soul more than it already is.