Mom is super tough in the things she overcame. She had a very impoverished upbringing in KY coal mining country during the 30s and 40s. Somewhere along the way she became entitled and spoiled. She wants a magic pill for everything. She doesn’t do what physical therapist tell her to and always has a reason why. She could rehab and get up on her feet again. I actually see her not trying hard and suffering the consequences - immobility, pneumonia, blood clots, etc- because there is no magic pill for her to take. How far do you go to *make* her do the right things? I can’t want it more than she does. PLUS, she has needed a walker/cane for a while but was too prideful to use one. She got the natural consequences of her actions. It is very hard not to be resentful at times.
What can you do? Refuse to accommodate her in the things she is capable of doing. If she needs a higher level of care then arrange it now. Tell her, if you cannot do xyz, then you need more care, and I am not going to do it.
When Dad had his stroke, he worked hard at his exercises and eventually was sent to rehab, where he continued to work hard. 4 years later he continues to do his exercises before he gets out of bed and does either weights or cardio every other day. When he was sent to rehab, there were some in the hospital who complained, they had been there longer blah, blah , blah, but they were not doing the work and there was limited space in the rehab. They only sent those who were showing willingness to work hard at their recovery.
This is in Canada, not the US. Initial rehab was in the hospital for several weeks, then several months in a rehab facility, before going home.
Many years ago, my dad (now deceased) had a serious illness and had to spend time in a rehab-type facility after being released from the hospital. He was very dispirited. He just wanted to go home; he didn't want to engage in recovery activities. We reminded him that the sooner he was considered "better," the sooner he could go home, and getting better required him to engage in rehab and PT. He did enough so that he could go home.
The best I think we can do is to be supportive but try to mostly stay out of it to keep our frustration level down. When I feel up to it, I offer to help her with her exercises. Mostly I'm too frustrated to offer because she SHOULD be doing the exercises without having to be FORCED.
Let the PT staff be the ones that push her. If she's like my mom, she'll do the work for them, but will complain like heck with you. I try, not with a huge amount of success, to ignore the complaining. Not easy, but, what else can you do??
At least your mom doesn't live with you where her lack of compliance really does become your problem. She won't last in AL long if she doesn't recover enough.
Sometimes challenges develop, become compounded, and the individual feels so overwhelmed that it seems hopeless. It's difficult to just focus on one aspect of life, let alone complications from surgery, especially a hip fracture b/c walking is so critical for self reliance. And there's also self denial of the need to accept age related changes.
Think of an old vehicle that needs repair. You fix one issue, but another arises. This repeats itself over and over until you decide the vehicle is no longer worth fixing.
I've realized that people can become subject to the same perception, when faced with so many obstacles, losing self confidence, and just giving up.
I don't know your mother, but someone who was raised in a challenging environment usually has developed very good coping resources, but can be overwhelmed by too much at one time. (Think also of a swimmer being swamped by a rogue wave, over and over and over).
It took me a while to just set everything aside and focus on one aspect at a time. That might be worth a try with your mother, even if you have to help initially to raise her level of self confidence. Think of something easy, that she enjoys, and try that to get her back on the track to believing in herself.
And I wish you luck, and patience. This isn't easy to do - in fact, it's very difficult!
If she is in an AL, you can have therapy go there. Just need her doctor to order it. She will be in her own place.