They have both gained weight this last month her 12 lbs., and him 6 lbs. I really think it is unfair for him to expect this of her. They live with brother in law and his wife who do not do anything for them. I use to go over and cook for them, but sister in law told me to not to use her stuff and starts trouble with me. I avoid this, cause I don't have to put up with it. I worry about my inlaws and have them come over once a week for dinner. I still take them shopping, Dr. appts., ect., but worry about their eating habits. They won't throw away and actually eat spoiled food. FIL who doesn't have ALZ hates to throw anything away and will insist it being still good. My husband and I want them to move in with us as it would be so much easier to take care of them then having to go over there. SIL doesn't clean their bathroom and it's not a good environment for them. There is no socializing, no meals together, nothing. I worry about how long this can go on before someone gets admitted to the hospital with food poisoning. They are true southerners so diet is mostly carbs and fat. They can't eat green leafy veges due to blood thinners. They are both set in their ways and will be impossible to try and teach them anything new. They both think they are doing fine. MIL has been doing scary things like pouring hot grease back into plastic bottle, etc. FIL has mobility issues, brother and sister nlaw wont help take care of them, they just stay in their room. I have them come over to our house as it gets them out of their house, and they really appreciate it, but can't them get to move on anything. They are both in their mid 80's, refuse to take of business and I worry about the mess they are going to leave for us to clean up when their gone. Course this may be years and I've asked them several years ago to get things in place. I'm beginning to change my mind about them living with us, but I still worry about their well being. I know we can't do anything till something bad happens, but I don't want to wait for that. UGhhh... Any advice would be greatly appreciated...
Alas, that is a pretty accurate description of the situation. A while back someone on here who worked for a helping agency said they had a lot of files stamped WFC -- Waiting for Crisis.
But maybe there are a few things you could do to mitigate some of the risks. What about having meals on wheels or a similar program deliver a hot meal each day? You'd know that was fresh and wholesome and when you visited you could quietly clean out any old leftovers. With one hot meal provides, would they be satisfied with toast and cereal for breakfast and opening a can of soup in the evening? Or anything easy to fix and consumable in one meal?
The notion that they can't eat leafy greens because of blood thinners is pretty silly. If they had a salad every day the dosage would just be adjusted to account for it. But it is more a matter of being set in their ways. And that is OK.
Staying in their room all day doesn't sound any better for their health than eating spoiled food. I am glad you are visiting them and getting them out some. Another option is to find an adult day health program. Usually these programs have door to door transportation, provide a hot lunch (and often breakfast), and have optional services such as help with a shower or cutting toenails! Even if they claim not to like it, being exposed to other adults and activity can be very good for them.
Personally, I don't think moving them into your house is the answer. I'm sure you would provide a much better environment than the one they are in, but even better would be one where there are three shifts to handle any emergencies and routine needs, their meals are all provided, and their are plenty of activities and opportunities to interact with lots of other adults.
Bless you for looking out for this couple! Don't let it overwhelm you, but try tackling one improvement at a time.
Thedaughternlaw, as for introducing new foods to your in-laws, you can try but shrug it off if mother-in-law turns you down. I have that same thing with my own Mom, half her grocery list is desert type items.... then I have to stop to think, they have been eating this way for a very long time and they are now in their mid-90's, they must be doing something right so I now leave Mom alone regarding her grocery list. At that age, one should be able to eat what they want.
My mother has moderate dementia, but she still cooks her own breakfast each morning -- bacon, eggs, & toast. I'll take over when she really needs me to, but until then I like that she is cooking for herself. I do the cleaning, because her arthritis is bad, but she does what she can for herself. Most of the time she doesn't need much help from me, even though she has is probably around Stage 5-6 of some type of dementia.
It is also okay for the families under the same roof to have separate lives. I would go nuts if I stayed with my mother all day, watching GSN and the Waltons with the thermostat set on 80. It is much better in my rooms, where the vents are closed and I can get my work done. (I would probably also drive her crazy if I hung out with her too much. She also wants her privacy from me, I'm sure.)
Sometimes situations sound bad when written with a certain slant, but people who are caregivers understand how it is. If your MIL and FIL are content enough with their living arrangements, and if they are safe enough, I would say just to support your SIL & BIL the best you can.
On your POA question, the POA for someone with Alzheimer's is ESSENTIAL -- so let me get on brief soapbox on that. All the other stuff you can just help them along, but you really need to get the POA before things go too far - whoever it is. But you have to have a POA for them. You write it down, print it out, find a notary, and talk to them in the car, and get them to sign it. Tell them you don't want the POA, you don't plan to use the POA, but you need that, and you will keep it for an emergency. Just like you need health insurance, car insurance, life insurance. You don't wait until you are sick or your car breaks down. Do they go to the doctor and pull out their checkbook and pay the full amount? Of course not. They have insurance which pays the vast majority of any expense. Why? No one could afford it otherwise. One sickness, and you would be broke. That is what the POA is, both durable and medical, for a dementia patient. One day they are sort of OK, then they have hallucinations, or can't remember what year it is, how to cook, or even how to dress. As it progresses, they need a POA to represent them as insurance from how to cope with Alzheimer's. It is really essential. Sorry - off soapbox on POAs.
You say your FIL doesn't have dementia, but I know that refusing to admit that food can spoil is a common symptom of dementia.
As long as they refuse to sign POA's there's really little control you might have. It's a sad situation, but things will likely get worse. If the couple are seeing doctors, perhaps the doctor could introduce some help into the home. With your MIL having dementia, she is entitled to the help, even if the rest of the household doesn't like it. By virtue of the elderly couple staying in their home, they do owe a duty to them.