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Hello, a while back I shared how my wife and I were dealing with her mom’s declining health as a result of frontaltemporal dementia. The advice was overwhelmingly helpful. This week, after months and months of precipitous decline, we moved her into a great facility. But now that our roles as caretakers are different and largely off our plates, I just feel numb. I don’t know what to do with myself without all the myriad caregiver tasks that we had absorbed into our daily existence. I can’t clear my head from the persistent awareness of another person with a severe disability needing something at any minute. I have a lot that I could throw myself into. I’m in law school, I have two wonderful kids, and finally the time with my wife where we can just be us. But I just want to do nothing, and I don’t know how to find the energy to help my wife navigate the feelings of grief, guilt, sadness, anger, and loss that come with a loved one moving on in this way. I absolutely want to be there and I’m trying, but as I said, I just feel like a person walking through a silent movie now. Until she moved, my mother in law lived in an apartment that is the bottom floor of our house. Our front door has a large glass pane in it, and her method of communicating that she needed something was to stand at the door and press her face up against the glass. It was at first frustrating; then accepting. Now, I’ve realized I have an involuntary habit of looking at the door whenever I pass to see if she’s there needing something. All I ever wanted it seemed was to have my house back from this sense of constant need and imposition. Now I find myself looking at the door and seeing nothing and thinking, without that urgency looking in at me, I don’t know what to do. And I realized I became so used to it that now, in its absence, I miss it.

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Hi, I understand the feelings that you are going through. It will take time to decompress and get back to doing what you once loved. You are still in survival mode. I suggest honoring where you are and in moments of grief or despair, breathe into the feelings. It’s time for you to nourish yourself and your family once again after taking some time to learn how to love life prior to being a full time caretaker. You’re at the point of total burn out but the good news is now your MIL is safe and taken care for by professionals so you and your wife can go back to the role of being her children and not primary care taker. Many blessings to you as you learn to navigate these new waters
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I'm having a little chuckle of recognition but I assure you it's fellow-feeling, not mockery.

It takes a while, but that high-alert sensation will settle. Give yourself total downtime for now, and encourage your wife to do the same. Have you worked out a visiting and errands schedule for MIL? - don't let that grow out of proportion to compensate, will you.
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I can certainly relate. I was my husbands caregiver for many, many years, and when he died 10 months ago, I too felt very lost and kind of just wandered for months. I no longer felt I had a purpose, or so I thought, but over time, I have come to realize that now it's my time, to take care of me, and do the things that I enjoy. It hasn't been easy, but I'm making progress, and with each passing day it gets just a little easier.
I hope and pray that now you and your wife will take time for each other, and start to do the things that you enjoy. Things that perhaps you couldn't do when your MIL was living with you. God bless you both.
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Just wait until those kids of yours leave the house. I was a stay-at-home mother, and I remember driving away after leaving the youngest at college and realizing, "I'm unemployed."

Seriously, though, you can't turn off all those ingrained responses to your mother's needs the same week she moved. Give yourselves time to decompress. It may take months, but it's OK.
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It was a while after my Husband died that I could go out and not look at my watch and think, “ I have to get back, the caregiver has to leave by 4”. Or looking in the freezer and realizing I had no puréed soup for his meals. Or thinking the house is so quiet without the noise of the pressure mattress.
Give yourselves time. It is a part of the grieving. Dementia is as they say the long goodbye and this transition is part of it.
You obviously moved her for her safety, your wife’s safety as well as yours and other members of the household. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
If you can plan a getaway get to know the family again without having to worry about caring for anyone but you, your wife and kids. Be “selfish” for a day or so.
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You've both been on hyper-alert for a while and it will take time for both of you to feel back to normal. Both of you should take time to relax. Just be supportive of your wife as she goes through the grieving process. Take time for dinner out for two.

Your wife's caregiver duties are not over; her caregiving duties have just changed. Her job now is to advocate for her mother to see that mom is getting what she need and to solve problems between mom and the facility.

Best wishes.
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This is normal. You feel as if you lost your "job". Let yourself feel the emotions and numbness that come with that. Ask your wife if she would like to talk about HER feelings. If not, a simple hand-hold, an unsolicited hug, or a note tucked into her pocket will help in letting her know you are ever there for her.
You're still in caretaker role so ease out of it by doing caring things for your wife, your friends, your neighbors. Believe me, this helps. I lost my caregiver role 4 months ago and I am still feeling my way, but helping others has helped me tremendously. Last of all, enjoy your new independence - sit in it - even if that means just staring at the walls and giving thanks for all you have.
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I want to say that you are welcome to come to my house and assume the caregiver role for 2 weeks so that I can get some sleep. But that is not helpful here...

You have a family with small kids, are in law school, and caregiving duties for a MIL? Wow! Even Clark Kent wouldn’t be able to do that. Impressive. I have no advice or suggestion; just admiration. I thought I was a superhuman with my caregiving duties and a full-time job, but obviously you beat me to it
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You are feeling the shock of moving from being needed constantly and immediately to more ordinary day-to-day life.
Some depression is common as you suddenly question your own usefulness and worth. Your wife probably feels even more guikt and sadness than you do, and you need to help her through this time as well.

Give yourselves time. Yes, you will miss being constantly "on-call" and important to someone's daily existence, but you will relax over time. Appreciate the return of calm and reassure your wife that het mother will be much more safely cared for at her new facility.
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If you really miss it, discuss with wife and move her back I'm where I'm sure would make her happier.

Senior Homes are not a pleasant place to live unless you have no other choice. They are ways understaffed.

If you decide to move her back in and have respite care where her insurance would pay for an Aide to come clean her up by shower, bath or bed bath 3 times a week, a Nurse will come to your home and check on her 1-2 times a week and if her husband was in the Military, you can check with VA and she could get up to 30 hrs a week Caregiver help.

I would suggest a different way for her to tell you she needs something than to stand in the glass.

You could install a Nest Camera or a door bell for her to ring when she needs something.
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Debstarr53 Jul 2021
Sorry, but this is bad advice. They will get used to having her gone, and they need a life now too. It's not like she will get better with rehab, she will only decline and the burden for caring for her will be harder and harder. Time will heal this. It did for me.
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After my mom had passed away from Alzheimer's, (at 94), it took a little while for Hubby and me to get used to a more relaxed household structure. When she was living with us, one of us always had to be home. He'd work until mid afternoon, I taught night classes, so we balanced that caregiving schedule, but once she was gone, I had to remind myself that if he and I both had doctor appointments, let's say, we could both be out of the house simultaneously. I agree with other posters: if I were in law school with 2 kids, I'd barely have time to breathe. It's admirable that you added caregiving to that mix. Maybe you could share some interesting tidbits you learn in law school with residents, even via Zoom, if the facility has that capability. (I know that residents' capabilities and cognitive function might vary, but I bet some of them would enjoy seeing another face, even if they can't understand that much.) I even wrote a book about taking care of my mom called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I realized that my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) I tried to write it with humor and heart, since you need both when dealing with Alzheimer's. Perhaps you'll learn about residents' rights and caregivers' rights in 1 of your law school classes, and maybe you'll practice law, combining your knowledge in both of these fields. Maybe your wife can develop some hobbies to take her mind off of things, like art, volunteer work, etc. Best of luck.
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You are going through what many do when their last kid goes off to college. Empty Nest Syndrome. It sounds like you are observing it--good. You and your wife really need to get on the same page: see a counselor (it is so helpful to say it out loud to someone), paint a room, go out to dinner, etc. And, perhaps your wife is feeling this absence even more. Give her hugs: whenever you do, you get one in return.
Also, the person is NOT her mother and her problem. In laws belong to each person in the marriage.
Oh, the adventures that await you!
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You and your family are going through a major change. Some may call it "empty nest" and others may call it grieving a "loss". Dr. Kubler-Ross said there are 5 stages to loss and I tend to think it goes with major changes in life as well.
Stage 1 - Denial - the sense that this can't be real and isn't really happening.
Stage 2 - Anger - the sense of feeling frustrated and ":this just isn't fair"
Stage 3 - Bargaining - the efforts to bring back what was "normal." These efforts do not work.
Stage 4 - Depression - the sense of sadness that comes when realizes that the loss is permanent.
Stage 5 - Acceptance - the sense of peace and adjustment to living with what is now reality.

You can probably see in yourself which stage you are at - and probably for each member of the family. Be gentle with yourself and your family members since each of you may process this new family situation at a different pace. If might be helpful to see a counsellor to help with processing your feelings as you navigate this new family dynamic. I like to start with a counsellor from my faith since we start off from a similar world view or perspective.
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Yes, the adjustments from our built up habitual and caring responses to another take a long time to settle back into our own daily needs. 10 years of my life. From being live-in care giver to my mom (while teaching full time), to her going to assisted living (where I still visited every day), then to memory care (where there were limited visits), and now to nursing home (where I go twice a day), have all had me wondering who I am and if I'll ever get back to the old me. I think not. I think this experience changes us. In it are also the time spent on organization of medical and financial books for another person, hoping all is done appropriately. In my dream last night, I asked my mom to please sit up. She did, then got out of bed and walked with her walker. She actually cannot sit up on her own and will never walk again. I just want her back again like she was, as difficult for me as it has been.
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jemfleming Jul 2021
Reading your reply my thought was it could have been written by me. The description you give of where you are at tells me that I am not alone in this boat.
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I felt the same after my mom went into MC. Even though I'm married and have two adult kids still living with me, I felt lost at first. It was an adjustment. Almost a year later, I can tell you that it was the right decision for us. My mom is still active, laughs with the care givers, has fun, and I've realized I've joined a team. I still look after my mom and make sure the MC workers are too. Sure, there are still times my mom gets really sad and I do as well. I still can have sleepless nights thinking how my mom must feel alone in her apartment, wondering if she's sleeping good, wondering if she's drinking enough, and on and on. However, now that the MC facility is fully open with all the activities, it's been alot of fun! I see how the bond between the caregivers and the residents have formed over the last several months. My mom always goes on about liking her aparment, even though sometime she thinks she's at school, hospital, or church. Give it some more time, and start making good memories the way it is now. Some caregivers might disappoint you, but look for the good ones. They usually shine out from the rest, and then you can be at peace when you know they are on duty. When you see your loved one thriving, then you'll feel more at peace, hopefully. I'm able to bring my mom to my house, out to eat, and hang out with her in the evening watching the Hallmark show. Just give it more time is my advise. The bottom line is that either way, the whole thing just stinks! Best wishes to you and your family as you navigate your journey through this. Go out and make memories with your sweet family. You'll never get this time back.
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To have feelings like this over your mother in law is so sweet!! My DH hasn't SEEN my mom in years! You must be one special guy!

You're mourning the loss of your 'normal' and in time, it will pass. Mom is in a place that can better care for her. You have a very full plate--as you know.

Don't feel guilty, you went above and beyond what was needed and now you see that a different kind of care is required. And you embraced that and followed through. You show your wife attention and affection as she is also mourning the 'loss' of her norm.

Give it time and you will adapt to the new situation and hopefully even see MIL being happier and adjusting well.

Bless you, you are truly one in a million!!
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Wow, you're amazing. Sounds like a bit of PTSD, no? Take time, breathe, be easy. And accept my admiration. Job well done!
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First, sleep. Next, take a deep breath. Realize your role has evolved. She still needs you. Now you must advocate for her. They may watch her. But you must watch them. Let them know who you are. Show up at the facility at random times. Introduce yourself to all who are caring for your MIL. Participate in some activities. Thank them profusely but always remain vigilant. They have a very difficult job if done correctly. I presume you are still responsible for all your MIL's personal affairs. The facility that you are using to care for your MIL is just another tool that you are using to provide for her welfare. It takes practice and persistence to use the tool successfully.
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Honestly, I think you should take a vacation. You probably don't want to but even a weekend away, somewhere entertaining and distracting. Take a few days to leave and reset
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It's not that you miss the urgency and constant needs of your MIL.
Humans are creatures of habit.
You and your wife got used to being in the caregiver role and planned every minute of your lives around MIL's needs and wants.
The two of you adapted to this life and it became habit to you.
It will take a while for you both to adapt to a different lifestyle that isn't planned around MIL's needs and care.
You say you're feeling numb right now, but what you think is emotional numbness can actually be relief in a sense.
Start making plans. Take your wife and kids out to dinner once a week. Take a vacation to get away for a few days. These are things you can do now, and enjoy finding what out what life has in store for post-caregivers.
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GdeStlmier: Like anything else, human kind are very much creatures of habit and you have adapted quite well to handle your MIL's requirements. Understandably, you're going to look at the door - for a little bit OR however long that you need. You are a STELLAR human being. Like myself and others, you could use your time to advantage of others by continuing to help other posters of this forum.
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Oh sweetie, give yourself a big hug for being so caring. I still feel the need to keep my phone nearby in case of an emergency with Mom even though she died 7 months ago!

Give yourself some time to adjust to new routines. It’s amazing how easily we adapt to things, good or bad.
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Even girls who have been kidnapped & held prisoner for long periods of time get used to their surroundings, as awful as it may be. We humans adapt. It's what we do. If we lose a leg, we adapt to a prosthetic. It's not ideal, and it hurts, but we acclimate.

You got used to your MIL living with you, even though it hurt and you wanted it to be over with. You adapted to the imposition. You look at the door now, where she'd press her face up against the glass when she needed something, and you feel a sense of loss. Like you need to DO something, but there's nothing to do. You're struggling to find your new normal now. A big part of your life has changed and your job has been eliminated. Overnight; gone. What do you do now?

You carve out your new 'normal' now. You create a new job for yourself, a new position that contains pleasant tasks you enjoy doing. You may even like to have a routine. In the morning you do a crossword, then eat lunch, then garden, then take a shower, etc. Late afternoon round of golf. Whatever sounds good to YOU is what you should pencil into that schedule.

When my cousin lost her parents after decades of caring for them, she was totally lost. She'd never had children, and considered her elderly parents her children. When they were gone, her life was empty. She had no idea what to do with herself. I told her the same thing I'm telling you: CREATE your new normal. Carve it out of a blank slate and start over.

It's never easy because with age nothing is easy to start anew. But it's doable, my friend. You are a good man with a big heart. If you feel inclined, you may want to volunteer some of your big heart to the children's cancer ward or even your mother in law's facility that she moved into. When we feel like we're giving back, we never feel a sense of emptiness or uselessness anymore. We feel fulfilled again as human beings because we're giving of ourselves and that feels good!

Best of luck
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I’m going through a similar experience. Late October to June 1st was a very intense period as my brother began to have symptoms of early onset dementia. I live 1500 miles away from him but I was able to get him set up with social services, Medicaid, Social Security retirement with Medicare. I got him an appointment with a neurologist. MRI revealed a massive tumor that covered almost half his brain. Early on I got a Health POA that I forwarded to doctors, hospitals, hospice and even the utility company. Details, details and more details.

Ultimately his grade II astrocytoma brain cancer became a glioblastoma in six and a half weeks. He bounced between hospitals and skilled nursing facilities, some of which were terrible. I realized he most likely wouldn’t tolerate treatment with radiation and chemotherapy. I had a very difficult conversation with my 22 year old niece as we discussed that he was worse after surgery, how difficult treatment would be, and that hospice would be a great place to get great care and comfort. The last seven months have all been about all crisis management, that included two trips to Chicagoland. He entered an excellent facility and has amazing hospice care. He doing the best he’s been since surgery. A huge load lifted knowing his was in a safe place and that hospice is where he belongs.

So now that I’m not putting out fires and directing care, I do nothing just about every day. My sleep has been terrible. I realized I’m finally experiencing the grief that I had put aside to get stuff done. This morning my counselor said it’s okay to do nothing as I go through my grief. Oddly enough today turned out to be a more productive day. Be patient with yourself.
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First know that this is a normal reaction to changes.
I would say that counseling will help you sort the feelings- journal and talk.
Start small, this week 2 days a week we will ___ (insert a hobby or something you had wanted to do ) then 3 times a week, etc.
You were valuable and helpful but you still are- just in other roles as dad and husband. Taking time to slowly get into those roles is normal.
Like retirement or a move to another town- it takes time to acclimate. Dont feel guilty.
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