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I've been living with her for five years. She is a hoarder and refuses to let me clear the house of old clothes and other items she hoards. She is abusive to me both mentally and physically and I'm always having to walk on eggshells to get along with her but she enjoys her episodes she berates me for any money I ask for. I took early retirement and draw a small check, but most times I spend very little on myself and try to buy the cleaning and household and grocery with my check. She suffered a facial stroke last month and refused to go to doctor. She doesn't bathe properly and has eczema. She wants me to take care of banking, handbills and won't give me POA because she says I'm stupid all the time. She has pushed me, spit on me, slapped me, and has called police a couple of times and told them I was abusive to her and I was on drugs. I need help on this. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home and I'm willing to stay with her but she says she wants to die all the time and doesn't want to die alone. Need help I'm living in hell.

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Remind me why you're there?

To help your mother? You've been there five years, and how has her situation improved?

Nothing will get better until you step back, move out, sort your own life out, and then find help to support you in her care. You took early retirement - when? Are you still in touch with your former workplace?
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Another vote for you to realize you are a co-dependent and enabler. Please get help for yourself. Get out of that environment and away from your mom's abuse. Then call APS and move on. You won't be abandoning her, you can talk to your mom on the phone but if you stay you keep both of you in a sick place. I wish you courage to do what's best for yourself.
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You are enabling her abuse. She treats you worse than dirt and you thank her by doing absolutely everything for her. You need to find some self-respect and as Country Mouse says, find a job and move out. If her living situation is so horrific, call Adult Protective Services and let them handle her. She is mentally unstable.
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Wow...you need to leave. Or, wait till she actually has you arrested or physically harms you.

get out of there....your life probably depends on it.
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I agree with the others. Why do you stay?? Get out of there as soon as possible and figure out another situation for you mom. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home? Who does? If she's in a nursing home then you can visit her as much or as little as you like AND you get to go home where there is peace and no abuse.
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Why in the world would you want to live with someone who abuses you both physically and mentally? Ask yourself this..would you accept this treatment from a friend? If the answer is no, then get your life together and move out.

Call APS and if she physically attacks you again call 911 on her.

This is crazy, you appear to be very codependent and an enabler, there is no answer as long as your stay there, as both of you will continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result...it just doesn't work that way.

Stand up and be counted, take your life back, she needs to be placed somewhere, she is mentally unstable. Good Luck!
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No One has the Right to Abuse YOU. It doesn't matter who they are your mom, dad, siblings or whoever!!! You deserve better!

Your mom treats you this way because you let her. I agree with others on here that you are co-depended and you are trying to get something from your mom that she just simply doesn't have or won't give to you. I know this is hard...believe me...my mother hates me and tried to verbally and emotionally abuse me when I moved in with her. I fought back..I didn't call her names, but I sure put her in her place and let her know I wasn't putting up with it. Had it continued, I would have moved out.

We teach people how to treat us.

Unfortunately, there are so many of us...to many that have mothers who are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't care who they hurt as long as they get what they want.

Move out!!!
Hugs!!!

I know this is painful and it just sucks. Please read the advice and think long and hard because you really are letting someone break you:(

May God give you strength and courage to save yourself in the name of Jesus. Amen
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Your story is awful. Please place her in a facility. You can’t go on like this. Do you know what this reminds me of? Battered wives syndrome. In that situation the husband has gaslighted the wife so badly that she believes she is deserving of the beating. She desperately tries to please her spouse. I’ve known women like this. It’s horribly sad.

You do not have to put up with abuse. You are reaching out for help. I strongly urge you to follow the advice of the posters who say to leave this relationship.

Call a social worker or anyone else that can advise you on what to do. Call her doctor as well. Inform them of her behavior.

Sending you a bazillion hugs!
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Do not take abuse! Don't do anything for her that she can do herself. If she calls you names or hits you, let her know you will not be back to help her. Ever. And leave.
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Please read this thread and take it's wisdom to heart.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-is-it-okay-to-surrender-454361.htm

Stop trying to do the same thing over and over while getting abuse. Do something entirely different like leave for your own preservation which is not selfish, but is self defense. Look up Fear, Obligation and Guilt. See if you see yourself as being in bondage to it? Your mother is not going to change. You didn't make her that way. You can't fix her and you for sure can't control her. Do put yourself on a healthier path and let her take responsibility for herself.

I wish you the best!
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