I have been caring for my mother who lives 4 blocks from me for 10 years, six of those including caring for her wheel-chair bound boyfriend. When it became obvious mother was not caring for him I called his son to come get boyfriend. Continued taking mother everywhere, for dr appoints, groceries, anyplace she went, taking care of her finances. She was diagnosed with vascular dementia. She began walking to my house down a busy road, going over to neighbors houses, just opening the doors without knocking, climbing on ladders to get leaves off roof. She made appointment to have roof replaced 1 year after it had just been replaced. And on and on. Her neighbors finally got tired of taking her back home and otherwise keeping up with her so they contacted me and told me I was negligent toward mother. I went over once or twice a day for an hour or two (however long I could stand her criticism and complaints) but it wasn't enough. She constantly lied and bad mouthed me to everyone she spoke to. Still does. With a neighbor's help, I put her into memory care. She hates it and wants to come home. She begs and cries--it is heartbreaking. But I'm so exhausted emotionally and mentally. I've neglected my own life, lost most of my friends, no longer engage in my hobbies or friend activities. Everyone who is familiar with the situation has told me I should have put her into care years ago. But I had promised mother I would not. But with the threat of mother's safety, neighbors implied threat regarding my neglecting mother, I went with a neighbor and got mother a place in care. The facility tells me mother is generally fine when I haven't visited in a few days and ask me to wait to visit. She becomes very agitated when I visit trying to get me to get her out. I feel guilty, bad, and wrong. Ironically, I was always the "bad kid". NOthing I did was ever good enough. My sister, who has done absolutely nothing to help mother during this time she so desperately needed it was the golden child. I don't understand myself why I've devoted the last 10 years to mother. I guess I'm still trying to get her love and approval that I've never had. But I'm tired and I'm sixty-five and I want to have a life of my own for a while. I'm going to have to sell mother's house and while going through her things I'm reminded of sixty-five years worth of criticism, cruelty, never being good enough. I just want to get away, but feel so obligated. I want to have my own life. I've got to stop crying. I want to disappear. Escape.
We give, we do. We get yelled at, criticized, then get asked to do more. We take a lot of crap.
You devoted 10 years b/c of YOUR WORTH. We can't let those we care about, and care for, steal that from us.
There is another recent thread on here about a mother asking to go home. Yes, it's heartbreaking, but that's what they do. They are safe now. That's your only concern now in the matter. She's safe.
And now, you can nurse your wounds.
To heal, it's important to increase your energy. This can't be done by focusing on the things that brought you down over the years.
Focus on: Yes, I did that--took care of an ailing mother. I did it b/c it had to be done. I did good. I'm proud of that, of me. I wasn't responsible for the vile that spills out of someone else's mouth. A new chapter is here...I'll shake myself off, take care of myself, and prepare for a life I can call my own. Finally.
Bad thoughts? Find a tool that smacks them right out of that head. I used to use the word "STOP," physically change whatever direction/position I was in, and force a positive thought. Whatever tools you use, they need to be practiced. Years of doctrination doesn't get undone easily.
You deserve to treat yourself well. You've "earned" it. Take that day trip (or whatever) you were never able to take.
Your mother is safe.
You have your life back, to build any way you want.
Breathe.
Take a step. Breathe. Another step.
And maybe get a mantra. (I did good b/c I am good. Or, I am the person I know I am (in other words, not what your mother said). Whatever you like.)
Love and light your way....
helps me, too!! :)
"The Unappreciated Daughters Club"
haha :). yes.
A heart made promise.
Make a new promise TODAY.
Keep it simple.
"I will not stop CARING for you Mother".
Facts: Mother requires 24/7 supervision & has care needs now beyond what can be provided in her own home.
Stop beating yourself up. She got old. This happens.
Don't 'disapper'. Be her loving daughter who visits. When she says she wants to go home, give her a hug & say me too.
i hope 1 day soon, we hear from you saying, “my life is grrreat now!”
you cared many (10) years for your mother (and kindly 6 years for her boyfriend) !
i think you’re a very kind person.
the CONSEQUENCE of being very kind, sometimes, is that your own life goes downhill.
don’t let that happen.
part of the problem is:
that how we feel about ourselves, is so dependent on what other people (“friends”, fake friends, family, strangers) “say” and “don’t say” about us.
“don’t say” = the missing words are just as damaging
“don’t say” = includes also missing acts (imagine the difference, if someone in your life would be telling you daily how wonderful you are, and that same person would do every day acts of kindness for you).
you’d feel much better! loved!
the reality is:
that you receive lots of criticism, etc.
just the opposite of praise, love, kindness.
———
conclusions:
1. dear OP, you’re super kind. know that. you did your absolute best, altruistically, for years.
2. i adore my parents. but i also remind myself, they had/have a wonderful/long/full/great life.
3. it is now our turn to live.
4. let’s keep loving our elderly LOs (how ever that love might translate into action).
5. let’s NOT sacrifice our life.
6. OP, if you sacrifice your life (by sacrifice, i mean, not victoriously lifting yourself up towards your goals/dreams), then you’ll be ANOTHER 1 of millions of daughters who were sacrificed/destroyed. YET ANOTHER ONE.
7. let’s succeed together ok, OP? i’m also a daughter. let’s be victorious.
8. don’t listen to mean words. (there are many mean people: “friends”, fake friends, family, strangers…). as i said, it’s not just what people say/do, it’s what they don’t say/do (silence, etc.; don’t encourage, etc.).
9. “stay close to people who feel like sunshine.”
10. i promise to do the whole 10-point list, too.
hugs to you, from somewhere here, where we have lots of snow today, but also sunshine! cats + dogs will be falling from the sky tomorrow.
:)
bundle of joy :)
A million times, yes.
If she becomes “very agitated” when you visit, STOP VISITING.
Does anyone have a legally drafted POA? Who is presently LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE for her finances and medical management.
Has an evaluation been done assessing her BEHAVIOR? If done by a trained medical professional (psychiatrist, neurologist, psychologist), a carefully planned trial of medication can sometimes work wonders.
Finally promises for the terms of future management should never EVER EVER be solicited, made or honored by caregivers. EVER. Have I stated this strongly enough? NEVER.
Once diminishing cognitive integrity becomes part of the situation, CARE becomes more important than anything else, and “promises” become totally meaningless and unrealistic.
If you have her placed in a pleasant, clean, SAFE facility, YOU HAVE PERFORMED YOUR JOB ADMIRABLY.
You are in an excellent position RIGHT NOW to enjoy whatever you want from YOUR LIFE. DO THAT!
“Some things cannot be fixed.”
Really believing this has given me a lot of freedom.
This is not to say that it’s easy now, to see my mother suffering from her dementia. But, now I understand that no longer SHOULD I, and no longer do I NEED to, spend hours of my time mulling over and over and over, how in the world can I change the course that her life has taken. This, for me, was accompanied by stomach churning, and other stress responses.
I still advocate for her. I still visit her (once a week). I still bring her treats. But, remembering this phrase ⬆️, has helped me to accept the REALITY of the situation.
You have done the best job you can. Rest in that.