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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Call your local Area Agency on Aging and tell them you need help. You cannot continue to be your mother’s only company. Get a home health aid in for help and visits. If you or she goes to church, see if there’s a group of people who might do home visits. Contact local Senior Citizen centers for the same reason. And, there are also Adult Daycares. You can explore facilities for her; depending on her needs, Assisted Living, Independent Living or Skilled Nursing. If your mother is not able to manage on her own, this might not be a bad idea anyway. Your mother probably feels she doesn’t have to make any effort because she has you. If your mother is clear of mind, explain to her that you will be doing other things “for a while” and won’t be around as much. You need to decide to take that first step.
Even a quick trip away is quite beneficial and will help you be a better caregiver. Prioritize giving yourself a break. This could eliminate your feeling of being “trapped.”
I was in your situation. I have a very large (and once close) family who collectively did very little to help during my many years of caregiving. I found this both shocking and surprising. A number of family members even lived locally.
I took several trips that were extremely rejuvenating.
In the beginning, one sibling offered and came to stay once, but declined to help again. Another made a promise to come and help but cancelled at the last minute.
I knew I desperately needed a break for my own (and my family’s) well being.
I hired replacement help. (Expect, however, significant criticism from your siblings, “he is SO rich he can vacation instead of taking care of Mom.” Even if you use your own personal money to pay for her care In your absence, the perception may be that you are somehow reducing their future inheritance.
I recommend you also read through this forum -see threads about siblings encouraged to take action (when caregiver sibling is burnt out or requesting relief or assistance). It’s good to be aware of this mindset. It would have been horrifying for me to have returned from a break to find my parent moved (against their will) without notice to me.
When I hired a caregiver, my parents were better than fine when I returned. They received excellent care in my absence. They were happy! They were thrilled to see me, and I was overjoyed to be back.
She's just lonely and doesn't need your assistance? And you are depressed about spending so much of your time with her? Why exactly are you trapped? Counseling and medication would probably help you. But why don't you just change what you're doing and substitute spending all that time with her with something you want to do, even if it's just tv by yourself at your place? In your brief post I don't understand why you seem to keep doing what you're doing when it seems like you have other choices. If you don't understand either, try counseling.
If your mom needs primarily companionship and a little assistance, many states have "senior companion" programs. To quote from one in our state, "A Senior Companion Program Client can look forward to companionship: taking walks with your Senior Companion, reading, letter writing, reminiscing, and making a new friend. You may share information about healthful living and activities of daily life or go shopping together. Perhaps one of their most important things to look forward to is less loneliness and isolation, which can threaten your independence and health. Senior Companions may also provide respite services for family caregivers." Senior companions are 55 and older, must meet certain income restrictions, and receive a small stipend for their work. They can help with meals, transportation to medical appointments, but not hands on physical care for their clients. I'm not sure of the hours involved, but it's at least several hours a week.
See if you can do a "Kings and Queens". In the show, the father of the daughter, Arthur, was in a similar situation as your mom (even though he stayed with his daughter, Carrie and her husband, Doug). The solution was that Carrie, hired Holly a dog walker, to walk Arthur along with the dogs on her route. Arthur got out of the house and got fresh air as well as companionship and conversation, a win win for all.
As the widow of a WW2 veteran is your mother not entitled to help from the VA?
I am sorry for how trapped you feel in this situation; but without wanting to sound unsympathetic the main problem I see is not your happiness but the sustainability and security of your mother's living arrangements. You are not able to provide her with the range of care she needs, and besides nobody can afford to depend on one lone other person - what if something happens to you?
What I'm saying is that your sisters need to wake up to your *mother's* wellbeing, even if they are prepared to be cavalier and callous towards you. They'll be looking smug on the other side of their faces if - God forbid - you break down and they're left fighting like cats in a sack over who they can dump their mother on next.
Other forum members are brilliantly helpful on veterans' benefits and care funding, so I hope they'll be able to advise you where to turn.
Hi Bigguy, I'm in the same situation as you. My dad (90) lives in an independent living facility. He had an aide that came during the day, but he was calling me multiple times a week at night, the minute I walked in the door from work, and wanted to spend hours on the phone with me. I have two sisters that don't help at all with his care, and most of his care-giving falls on my shoulders. I finally hired an aide that comes every night from 5-7. So far it has worked out really well. She makes him dinner and keeps him company, which gives me a little time to myself after work. She even does a little exercise with him. I know that when he is lonely and bored he calls me all the time, or wants me to come over. I suggest hiring an aide, even if its just a couple of nights a week. They will keep your mom company and help out and give you a break. Like some others have suggested, also look into volunteers or call your local agency for seniors to see if they have any free or discounted assistance. I totally understand what you are going through! Get some help as soon as possible so you can have a little time to yourself!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I was in your situation. I have a very large (and once close) family who collectively did very little to help during my many years of caregiving. I found this both shocking and surprising. A number of family members even lived locally.
I took several trips that were extremely rejuvenating.
In the beginning, one sibling offered and came to stay once, but declined to help again. Another made a promise to come and help but cancelled at the last minute.
I knew I desperately needed a break for my own (and my family’s) well being.
I hired replacement help. (Expect, however, significant criticism from your siblings, “he is SO rich he can vacation instead of taking care of Mom.” Even if you use your own personal money to pay for her care In your absence, the perception may be that you are somehow reducing their future inheritance.
I recommend you also read through this forum -see threads about siblings encouraged to take action (when caregiver sibling is burnt out or requesting relief or assistance). It’s good to be aware of this mindset. It would have been horrifying for me to have returned from a break to find my parent moved (against their will) without notice to me.
When I hired a caregiver, my parents were better than fine when I returned. They received excellent care in my absence. They were happy! They were thrilled to see me, and I was overjoyed to be back.
I am sorry for how trapped you feel in this situation; but without wanting to sound unsympathetic the main problem I see is not your happiness but the sustainability and security of your mother's living arrangements. You are not able to provide her with the range of care she needs, and besides nobody can afford to depend on one lone other person - what if something happens to you?
What I'm saying is that your sisters need to wake up to your *mother's* wellbeing, even if they are prepared to be cavalier and callous towards you. They'll be looking smug on the other side of their faces if - God forbid - you break down and they're left fighting like cats in a sack over who they can dump their mother on next.
Other forum members are brilliantly helpful on veterans' benefits and care funding, so I hope they'll be able to advise you where to turn.