I know this might just sound like me complaining but I don't know what to do. Just hours ago my mother lost a bottle of medication and her first instinct is "Someone stole it" even though she's been carrying it around to three different doctors, a surgery and an ER trip, and emptied her purse out three times since getting it filled. She also often makes comments like "You just walk around angry like you hate everyone and want us to die" or "You just don't want to do anything except for yourself." "You'll help other people but you won't take care of your own family" and even went so far as to say things like "I wish you were never born." when I was 16 due to an upset.....over cooking dinner. It wasn't even that something was really WRONG, it was that I was late cooking dinner. From a young age, as far back as I can remember, she's been like this. She once slapped me clean across the face because I was having trouble understanding a math problem when I was a pre-teen. Called me a pig when I went down on one knee (Kneeling) for a picture, and just generally always found time in her day to make sure that I knew she thought I was useless to her....and I'm the only person that takes care of her. When she needs something, I go get it. I run errands, I bring her hot towels when her muscles are having a spasm. I cook and I clean and I try to make sure that she's comfortable. No, I'm not a model son and yes we have our disagreements, but generally speaking I try to make sure that she's taken care of. And yet I still get those constant hurtful jabs. Another thing she'll do is misplace something and her instant excuses are either "You stole it, why do you always lie to me I know you took it. Just admit you took it because I know you're lying" even if I had never laid hands on it or knew what she was talking about, or she'll say "Well I gave it to you x days ago, where is it?" and...then when we start looking for it, we find it in her purse or her bag. But there's no apology. There's no "Hey, I'm sorry I said that." Instead, she just says "Oh. I found it" and goes on with her day as if everything hurtful that she just said never happened. I know this is a lot of "complaining" but...i honestly don't know what to do. I've got a herniated disk in my spine, have chronic depression and get maybe about three hours of sleep a night....The stress is physically and mentally breaking me down and I don't know how to make her understand that every time she misplaces or loses something doesn't mean someone is stealing something or that every time I walk by without a smile on my face that I'm "Angry at everyone / hate everyone." I mean, to give you guys an idea of how bad she is with keeping up with things...she loses her badge that she has to have to get into her office building. Almost every single day. I can count on one hand the number of times that she hasn't had to drive all the way back home because she's forgotten or lost her badge, and her immediate response is "WELL SOMEONE MOVED IT, WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE MOVE MY THINGS!?" As if we would intentionally put her CAREER in danger by playing "I spy" with her badge. I care about my mother. I don't want to have to be one of her children that has to say "Screw it, I can't take you anymore" and just move away with zero contact, but I feel like that's the only way I'm going to be able to keep MYSELF from going as bat-crap-crazy as she gets, like the time she started screaming at me because my dad asked me to buy a box of crackers from the store and I told him "I don't think I'm heading towards the grocery store, but I'll pick you up some later today". She then went on to tell my niece and nephew to "Keep him away from your grandpapa, he might try to kill him." and the kids looked up at me with a "What the heck is she talking about?" I've never once laid hands on anyone, nor have I ever been one to threaten or scream at people. Most of the time I stand there quietly while she screams at me, nod my head and just walk off, trying to hold it all in because I know anything I say will just be met with kindergardener like rebuttals such as "Oh whatever" or "Just shut up and stop talking to me" before she launches into a thirty minute rant about how everything that's wrong is my fault or that I'm just "So selfish"....again, even as I'm the only one physically taking care of her. I feel like I'm slowly losing it. She pulled me out of school at a young age, covered it with "Homeshcooling" but never took the time to actually teach me anything, I did my best trying to teach myself but when I failed something, I was just called "retarded" or "useless" or "Why don't you think, you piece of trash?" I'm sorry. I know this isn't a rant board but I don't know where else to turn. Is there anyone who has a parent like this? How do you deal with being verbally crushed every day? How do you deal with being called a thief or a liar whenever something goes wrong? How do you stay sane?
I'm going through a similar situation as you. I'm 53, mom 96!. Dad died 9 years ago. Ive lived at home my whole life because of health problems. Always lost jobs because I LOOK extremely healthy. From the age of 15, I constantly felt I had to RESCUE my mom from her unhappiness. I have an older brother and sister and they both moved out at 18!, I now know why!
So my mom is the healthiest person I've met in my life but made me believe she could die any day. I felt like I had to do everything to make her life better.
When dad died, I wanted her to relax and enjoy the time she had left. 5 years after dad died, mom broke her injured one leg and broke the other. I waited on her like a slave for six months, on top of being very sick myself AND barely able to walk. I cooked her gourmet meals twice a day and did EVERYthing! It took 4 years for her to walk normal again and I have still not received any credit of taking care of her. She acts like I did nothing but make a piece of toast and water for her . It's so hurtful. She never once has appreciated the fact that she can sleep at night because I'm always home, I make all the meals, buy all the ORGANIC groceries and cater to her left and right. I spent hours/days/and weeks/months teaching her how to use an iPhone and she never used a computer in her life! I'm her teacher, caregiver, doctor, nurse, taxi, secretary, physchologist, shopper, errand girl, and many more. I have a bad heart and I feel like I will die before her. If I could do it all over again, I would have saved every spare penny I had, and moved out, and I would have tried to make a life for myself. Now, when she does, I will have no life still. My brother and his bully girlfriend want to come to the house and stay for 4/6 months in the winter. Moms dividing the house up to all 3 of us. It's not fair. I be never had a life because she made me feel guilty about everything I didn't want to do that SHE wanted me to do. And she made me believe that if I say "no" to anything, their will be bad consequences. So I've been afraid to stand up for myself my whole life, for fear of something bad happening. I'm finally standing up for myself and at the same time praying to GOD that he shows me that bad things will not always happen. Sorry, didn't mean to make this post about me.
I've suffered from depression in and off but changed my diet to no sugar, only cook organic, mostly vegetables and some grass fed beef, and I take Great Lakes gelatin everyday ( it heals the intestinal tract) and it helps the depression go away in about 3 weeks. I think feeling better mentally will help you slowly figure out exactly what you need to do , to get out of the mess you are in! By the way.. you are an ANGEL thank walks the earth! Most parents children WOULD say " screw it" and walk away"! Hold your head really high and say " I'm somebody good and I deserve to. E treated nicely and with respect"! Think of it this way: how would you feel if a friend of yours was going through what you are going through? Would you want to tell him or her to be good to themselves and to stop letting people abuse them?
I hope some of what I typed helps you.. please keep us all updated.. there are a lot of out there that go through what you are going through and I'm sure a lot of us who were able to free ourselves from
the " Cage". God bless you!
Your situation sounds horrible, it's time to take care of yourself. Your herniated disc can get worse and then who will care for you. Please take the advice others have given you and get out to this toxic situation.
If your mom can drive and work, she does not need care. Consider calling APS (anonymously) for your Dad. If you can move out of the house, rent a room nearby, stay on a friend's couch - anything is better than living in a toxic environment. Do you work? Can you get a part-time job working from your new home?
My mom is much older and has, for the most part, been verbally abusive since forever. The siblings are not involved, and I help her with everything. However, I live in my own home, an hour away, and assist two-three times per week. She is doing well, and I wish she could have more help, but she is paranoid. She is verbally abusive most of the time, and I give her options: We can get this bill paid now or we can let it go and pay penalties, or I can leave now/leave for an hour until you calm down. If I come back next weekend, we will have blown a deadline b/c you would rather rant and insult me for no reason instead of handling household business. Works most of the time.
She has told me she wishes she never had me and other times how blessed she is that I help her. It's a hard pill to swallow. When anything is missing, she says that I stole it b/c I am the only person who comes into her home. 90% of the time, she has hidden an item or misplaced it, and when I find it, no apology. When I call her out on that she just says that she had to blame someone, and that she is not going to call the police now. I think she hides some things so well, that we cannot find them, and I have spent hours looking for some things - I will not do that anymore. What a waste of time.
She brings up things from decades ago that she thought that I did wrong, and I just ignore it. I was a good kid, and had to take on responsibilities from an early age as the youngest, with the older siblings flying the coop ASAP. My job now is to make sure she is safe, clean, bills paid, has food, home maintenance, clothes are clean, hair washed, taking meds, etc.
The most important thing for you to consider is moving elsewhere, finding assistance for your Dad, and getting on with your life. If your mom calls and abuses you by phone, you can simply hang up - works like a charm. In the near future, have a set time to stop by or to monitor help, and that's it, take care of yourself. Good luck and let us know how things go. Believe me, you are not alone.
Please know that God loves YOU. He KNOWS you have great value and potential and purpose, after all He created you in HIS image according to the Bible. Pray to him and He will guide you in making the very difficult decisions you are facing.
I hope you answer all the pertinent ?? and come back. If you are "of age"--leave. Just, leave. Do you have sibs? If so, time for them to step up whether they want to or not.
Your dad is probably also being abused in some kind of fashion--and maybe he needs to be separated from mom.
My mother has said things to me that have caused me to look at her and think "WHY would you say that to ANYONE, esp. someone who is HERE, helping you, cleaning up after you, serving you?" She, too, did not want to have me. This is a hurt that runs deep and wide.
You need to get OUT of this toxic situation and into something healthier--and be more controlling of the time you do spend with your mother. She has kept you "away" from growing up and from having a life. Good parents DON'T DO THAT. They support and help their kids to one day fly the nest!!!
Your post broke my heart. Please come back and talk with us all some more. We care.
Your mom needs help and at the moment you're the only one who can provide it for her, but you'll have lots of support from adults in your community if you reach out. Best of luck. I really feel for you, as I have known a couple of young people in similar circumstances. You have the patience of a saint -- but enough is enough.
How old are you? How long has this dysfunctional and abusive situation been going on?
IF you are still under age 18, CPS should intervene. Call them! Denying you education (breaking the law) and treating you like slave labor as well as being so abusive should allow them to assist you in getting away from all this. They would likely have to pull APS in as well, to ensure your father has someone capable to care for him. If you are over 18, could you try APS? I do not know how they operate, but I would think you would qualify as an adult in need of protection. At the least you could call and discuss this with them. If they cannot intervene, perhaps they can point you in the right direction to get some outside help.
Your initial comments would lead one to possibly think dementia, but as you go on to describe the situation, it seems quite clear to me anyway that 1) she has been like this most of your life and 2) she is still able to work, so I would NOT consider this a case of dementia. Our mom starting accusing others of taking and/or stealing things, but that was AFTER the onset of dementia and was only because SHE was misplacing items. Your mom has been doing this way too long for me to consider dementia as a cause.
Although there are similarities in behavior I dealt with growing up, your mom is way beyond anything my mother did. However, that behavior IS abusive, both physical and psychological. Compounding that behavior over such a long period of time ensures your lack of self-esteem and makes you question yourself. Pulling you out of school limits your options for getting out, but getting out is key here! This behavior is how domestic abuse often works for married couples or people in a relationship. It is insidious and unfortunately the scars and bruises do not show. For anyone who believes only women suffer from this, one name comes to mind: Phil Hartman (former SNL and actor, killed by his wife) There are many instances where women are actually the instigators and it IS far more difficult to get others to believe that, but it DOES happen.
IF she is capable of driving and working, there is NO need for you to be her slave and jump at every request. The constant barrage of accusations and negative comments will wear one down, and having started this at a young age, you can grow up possibly believing some of it is true. Do you have any siblings and/or other relative who could be of assistance (getting you out of this situation, providing a safe place to live while you get your own life together?)
Given that you were pulled out of school, assumption is you do not have a HS degree. IF you can get out and work on a GED, that would help you towards becoming self-sufficient. First order of business is to find some way OUT of this scenario! Seek outside assistance in getting set up somewhere else and then work on making a better life for yourself. At the least DO NOT continue to let this woman's abuse taint your self-image and lay guilt on you. SHE is the one who is guilty. It won't be easy, but it will be best for you in the long run. You cannot change her behavior (only she can, and likely will not), but you can change your own, including any reactions to her demands (do not immediately run and do her bidding - it will likely increase her negativity, but if you can learn to tune it out, it might help) and do NOT let her guilt trips sink in - let that roll off as best you can, because YOU are not at fault here.
I would highly recommend that once you get out of this situation, have as little, if any, contact with your mother as possible, because this behavior will only continue AND is likely to get worse if you do manage to get away from this! It might mean cutting off ties with your father as well, but while it is sad for you it is best for you in the long run. If she is abusive to your father now (or might transfer her negative abusive behavior onto him if you leave), APS!!!
i haven't read your lamentation all the way thru - it was too painful! you are too loyal, patient...a 'scapegoat' as one commenter mentioned..
but it is not to your credit - i say gently, respectfully - that you've let it go on to this point. your mom is sick. my [always dizzy, losing things-] mom calls me regularly about people stealing her things. she has dementia. your mom needs an evaluation...
...and btw - that does no good! our geriatric center did no good! she is still blaming others, calling police...and driving me crazy. [i live nearest of all sisters] i was finally directed by her dr to see a geriatric PSYCH - why didn't the geriatric center advise that years ago!
as my mom is 'healthy' otherwise, this sad scene is likely to continue for years. so give yourself those years, see less of her; they don't appreciate the help; they are newly and cruelly programed by this thing called dementia.
- if I read your part correctly, you'd be labelled as "the scapegoat", a classic part played by so many kids its sickening, imo
- if you don't know about that game yet, scapegoats are usually the game-changers, & this is good, imo
I wonder what happens at work when she loses items? I'd be surprised if her colleagues aren't picking up on it. Even with just the amount of times she's forgotten her work keys... that should be a habit.
Not knowing if you're able to move out, such a major decision! Congrats for being there for them, especially your Dad.
I hope you're not giving up major portions of living your life. Speaking as one who did because I didn't know better; I found this site years too late.
I'm glad you reached out. Keep on!
For example, she wanted to buy some crappy plastic candles from amazon, picked the lock on my door at 3 in the morning (She does this just about every morning) and woke me up so that I could drive to wal-mart so she could order some plastic candles while they were on sale, even though the sale was lasting for weeks, or the other night when she once again picked the lock on my door to tell me to come change the wallpaper on the computer because it was "hurting" her....(It was some moving lines tracing hexagons.)
I'm honestly of the mind that she has some sort of mental disability, such as dementia. She will swear on her life that she's done something or said something but groups of people will be witness to the fact that she didn't......and she'll then say that every single one of the "witnesses" are lying.
I wondered that since your mother is driving to work does she really need a caregiver. If she doesn't, then it would be a good time to put your life together separate from her. I don't know the full story and know that depression is tough. But from the sounds of it, the environment you're in isn't great for lifting depression. It is just a drain on your self esteem. I have a feeling there is more going on than I am seeing. Tell us a bit more.