I know this might just sound like me complaining but I don't know what to do. Just hours ago my mother lost a bottle of medication and her first instinct is "Someone stole it" even though she's been carrying it around to three different doctors, a surgery and an ER trip, and emptied her purse out three times since getting it filled. She also often makes comments like "You just walk around angry like you hate everyone and want us to die" or "You just don't want to do anything except for yourself." "You'll help other people but you won't take care of your own family" and even went so far as to say things like "I wish you were never born." when I was 16 due to an upset.....over cooking dinner. It wasn't even that something was really WRONG, it was that I was late cooking dinner. From a young age, as far back as I can remember, she's been like this. She once slapped me clean across the face because I was having trouble understanding a math problem when I was a pre-teen. Called me a pig when I went down on one knee (Kneeling) for a picture, and just generally always found time in her day to make sure that I knew she thought I was useless to her....and I'm the only person that takes care of her. When she needs something, I go get it. I run errands, I bring her hot towels when her muscles are having a spasm. I cook and I clean and I try to make sure that she's comfortable. No, I'm not a model son and yes we have our disagreements, but generally speaking I try to make sure that she's taken care of. And yet I still get those constant hurtful jabs. Another thing she'll do is misplace something and her instant excuses are either "You stole it, why do you always lie to me I know you took it. Just admit you took it because I know you're lying" even if I had never laid hands on it or knew what she was talking about, or she'll say "Well I gave it to you x days ago, where is it?" and...then when we start looking for it, we find it in her purse or her bag. But there's no apology. There's no "Hey, I'm sorry I said that." Instead, she just says "Oh. I found it" and goes on with her day as if everything hurtful that she just said never happened. I know this is a lot of "complaining" but...i honestly don't know what to do. I've got a herniated disk in my spine, have chronic depression and get maybe about three hours of sleep a night....The stress is physically and mentally breaking me down and I don't know how to make her understand that every time she misplaces or loses something doesn't mean someone is stealing something or that every time I walk by without a smile on my face that I'm "Angry at everyone / hate everyone." I mean, to give you guys an idea of how bad she is with keeping up with things...she loses her badge that she has to have to get into her office building. Almost every single day. I can count on one hand the number of times that she hasn't had to drive all the way back home because she's forgotten or lost her badge, and her immediate response is "WELL SOMEONE MOVED IT, WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE MOVE MY THINGS!?" As if we would intentionally put her CAREER in danger by playing "I spy" with her badge. I care about my mother. I don't want to have to be one of her children that has to say "Screw it, I can't take you anymore" and just move away with zero contact, but I feel like that's the only way I'm going to be able to keep MYSELF from going as bat-crap-crazy as she gets, like the time she started screaming at me because my dad asked me to buy a box of crackers from the store and I told him "I don't think I'm heading towards the grocery store, but I'll pick you up some later today". She then went on to tell my niece and nephew to "Keep him away from your grandpapa, he might try to kill him." and the kids looked up at me with a "What the heck is she talking about?" I've never once laid hands on anyone, nor have I ever been one to threaten or scream at people. Most of the time I stand there quietly while she screams at me, nod my head and just walk off, trying to hold it all in because I know anything I say will just be met with kindergardener like rebuttals such as "Oh whatever" or "Just shut up and stop talking to me" before she launches into a thirty minute rant about how everything that's wrong is my fault or that I'm just "So selfish"....again, even as I'm the only one physically taking care of her. I feel like I'm slowly losing it. She pulled me out of school at a young age, covered it with "Homeshcooling" but never took the time to actually teach me anything, I did my best trying to teach myself but when I failed something, I was just called "retarded" or "useless" or "Why don't you think, you piece of trash?" I'm sorry. I know this isn't a rant board but I don't know where else to turn. Is there anyone who has a parent like this? How do you deal with being verbally crushed every day? How do you deal with being called a thief or a liar whenever something goes wrong? How do you stay sane?
I wondered that since your mother is driving to work does she really need a caregiver. If she doesn't, then it would be a good time to put your life together separate from her. I don't know the full story and know that depression is tough. But from the sounds of it, the environment you're in isn't great for lifting depression. It is just a drain on your self esteem. I have a feeling there is more going on than I am seeing. Tell us a bit more.
i haven't read your lamentation all the way thru - it was too painful! you are too loyal, patient...a 'scapegoat' as one commenter mentioned..
but it is not to your credit - i say gently, respectfully - that you've let it go on to this point. your mom is sick. my [always dizzy, losing things-] mom calls me regularly about people stealing her things. she has dementia. your mom needs an evaluation...
...and btw - that does no good! our geriatric center did no good! she is still blaming others, calling police...and driving me crazy. [i live nearest of all sisters] i was finally directed by her dr to see a geriatric PSYCH - why didn't the geriatric center advise that years ago!
as my mom is 'healthy' otherwise, this sad scene is likely to continue for years. so give yourself those years, see less of her; they don't appreciate the help; they are newly and cruelly programed by this thing called dementia.
I hope you answer all the pertinent ?? and come back. If you are "of age"--leave. Just, leave. Do you have sibs? If so, time for them to step up whether they want to or not.
Your dad is probably also being abused in some kind of fashion--and maybe he needs to be separated from mom.
My mother has said things to me that have caused me to look at her and think "WHY would you say that to ANYONE, esp. someone who is HERE, helping you, cleaning up after you, serving you?" She, too, did not want to have me. This is a hurt that runs deep and wide.
You need to get OUT of this toxic situation and into something healthier--and be more controlling of the time you do spend with your mother. She has kept you "away" from growing up and from having a life. Good parents DON'T DO THAT. They support and help their kids to one day fly the nest!!!
Your post broke my heart. Please come back and talk with us all some more. We care.
Your situation sounds horrible, it's time to take care of yourself. Your herniated disc can get worse and then who will care for you. Please take the advice others have given you and get out to this toxic situation.
- if I read your part correctly, you'd be labelled as "the scapegoat", a classic part played by so many kids its sickening, imo
- if you don't know about that game yet, scapegoats are usually the game-changers, & this is good, imo
I wonder what happens at work when she loses items? I'd be surprised if her colleagues aren't picking up on it. Even with just the amount of times she's forgotten her work keys... that should be a habit.
Not knowing if you're able to move out, such a major decision! Congrats for being there for them, especially your Dad.
I hope you're not giving up major portions of living your life. Speaking as one who did because I didn't know better; I found this site years too late.
I'm glad you reached out. Keep on!
Your mom needs help and at the moment you're the only one who can provide it for her, but you'll have lots of support from adults in your community if you reach out. Best of luck. I really feel for you, as I have known a couple of young people in similar circumstances. You have the patience of a saint -- but enough is enough.
Please know that God loves YOU. He KNOWS you have great value and potential and purpose, after all He created you in HIS image according to the Bible. Pray to him and He will guide you in making the very difficult decisions you are facing.
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