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I know this might just sound like me complaining but I don't know what to do. Just hours ago my mother lost a bottle of medication and her first instinct is "Someone stole it" even though she's been carrying it around to three different doctors, a surgery and an ER trip, and emptied her purse out three times since getting it filled. She also often makes comments like "You just walk around angry like you hate everyone and want us to die" or "You just don't want to do anything except for yourself." "You'll help other people but you won't take care of your own family" and even went so far as to say things like "I wish you were never born." when I was 16 due to an upset.....over cooking dinner. It wasn't even that something was really WRONG, it was that I was late cooking dinner. From a young age, as far back as I can remember, she's been like this. She once slapped me clean across the face because I was having trouble understanding a math problem when I was a pre-teen. Called me a pig when I went down on one knee (Kneeling) for a picture, and just generally always found time in her day to make sure that I knew she thought I was useless to her....and I'm the only person that takes care of her. When she needs something, I go get it. I run errands, I bring her hot towels when her muscles are having a spasm. I cook and I clean and I try to make sure that she's comfortable. No, I'm not a model son and yes we have our disagreements, but generally speaking I try to make sure that she's taken care of. And yet I still get those constant hurtful jabs. Another thing she'll do is misplace something and her instant excuses are either "You stole it, why do you always lie to me I know you took it. Just admit you took it because I know you're lying" even if I had never laid hands on it or knew what she was talking about, or she'll say "Well I gave it to you x days ago, where is it?" and...then when we start looking for it, we find it in her purse or her bag. But there's no apology. There's no "Hey, I'm sorry I said that." Instead, she just says "Oh. I found it" and goes on with her day as if everything hurtful that she just said never happened. I know this is a lot of "complaining" but...i honestly don't know what to do. I've got a herniated disk in my spine, have chronic depression and get maybe about three hours of sleep a night....The stress is physically and mentally breaking me down and I don't know how to make her understand that every time she misplaces or loses something doesn't mean someone is stealing something or that every time I walk by without a smile on my face that I'm "Angry at everyone / hate everyone." I mean, to give you guys an idea of how bad she is with keeping up with things...she loses her badge that she has to have to get into her office building. Almost every single day. I can count on one hand the number of times that she hasn't had to drive all the way back home because she's forgotten or lost her badge, and her immediate response is "WELL SOMEONE MOVED IT, WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE MOVE MY THINGS!?" As if we would intentionally put her CAREER in danger by playing "I spy" with her badge. I care about my mother. I don't want to have to be one of her children that has to say "Screw it, I can't take you anymore" and just move away with zero contact, but I feel like that's the only way I'm going to be able to keep MYSELF from going as bat-crap-crazy as she gets, like the time she started screaming at me because my dad asked me to buy a box of crackers from the store and I told him "I don't think I'm heading towards the grocery store, but I'll pick you up some later today". She then went on to tell my niece and nephew to "Keep him away from your grandpapa, he might try to kill him." and the kids looked up at me with a "What the heck is she talking about?" I've never once laid hands on anyone, nor have I ever been one to threaten or scream at people. Most of the time I stand there quietly while she screams at me, nod my head and just walk off, trying to hold it all in because I know anything I say will just be met with kindergardener like rebuttals such as "Oh whatever" or "Just shut up and stop talking to me" before she launches into a thirty minute rant about how everything that's wrong is my fault or that I'm just "So selfish"....again, even as I'm the only one physically taking care of her. I feel like I'm slowly losing it. She pulled me out of school at a young age, covered it with "Homeshcooling" but never took the time to actually teach me anything, I did my best trying to teach myself but when I failed something, I was just called "retarded" or "useless" or "Why don't you think, you piece of trash?" I'm sorry. I know this isn't a rant board but I don't know where else to turn. Is there anyone who has a parent like this? How do you deal with being verbally crushed every day? How do you deal with being called a thief or a liar whenever something goes wrong? How do you stay sane?

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I get reminded of the Rodney Dangerfield joke when it comes to how some parents treat a caregiving child -- "I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member." Strange how that can apply. Siblings can be seen as too important to caregive. My family is like that. My mother would never expect my brothers to help because they have responsibilities. So it falls to one (me).

I wondered that since your mother is driving to work does she really need a caregiver. If she doesn't, then it would be a good time to put your life together separate from her. I don't know the full story and know that depression is tough. But from the sounds of it, the environment you're in isn't great for lifting depression. It is just a drain on your self esteem. I have a feeling there is more going on than I am seeing. Tell us a bit more.
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Pix, there is a disease process going on for sure. The extreme anxiety she feels over 'issues' like the candles is clear. If you feel you have to lock your door at night, that's not a good sign either! Your father surely qualifies for regular caregiving, and your mother will qualify for treatment when you get her evaluated. It's going to be very challenging but you'll do well to step back from the status quo you're in now and restructure your life and their care. Please seek a coach or counselor asap, speak to your parents' doctors and get them the appropriate external care services, and ideally move somewhere else nearby. I think you should be monitoring their care, not giving it. Think how lucky they are to have you to just *monitor* the care, many including me will not have that. Good luck, you can do it!
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PixelZed,
i haven't read your lamentation all the way thru - it was too painful! you are too loyal, patient...a 'scapegoat' as one commenter mentioned..
but it is not to your credit - i say gently, respectfully - that you've let it go on to this point. your mom is sick. my [always dizzy, losing things-] mom calls me regularly about people stealing her things. she has dementia. your mom needs an evaluation...
...and btw - that does no good! our geriatric center did no good! she is still blaming others, calling police...and driving me crazy. [i live nearest of all sisters] i was finally directed by her dr to see a geriatric PSYCH - why didn't the geriatric center advise that years ago!
as my mom is 'healthy' otherwise, this sad scene is likely to continue for years. so give yourself those years, see less of her; they don't appreciate the help; they are newly and cruelly programed by this thing called dementia.
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Since this abuse has gone on since you were a kid, it sounds like some mental disorder other than dementia. I have a close relative who can flip a switch and go into a rant, accusing me and others of unthinkable offenses -- and that's not even my mother, who has some dementia and is also paranoid at times. Abusers like ours think everyone else is at fault. They refuse to see that they have a problem and turn their anger and frustration on those who try to help them. It's driven me to sign up for a class on dealing with mental disorders, sponsored by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (Please check out NAMI.org!!). In the stress of the worst moments, I try to remind myself that this person can't help or stop their hurtful behavior; it's a sickness, as real as cancer. But it still hurts to have someone you always hoped would love and approve of you trash you -- that's just awful! You may not be able to get them to get help, but that's even more reason to get yourself some help in dealing with it. The stress and negativity is robbing you of your life. Please, don't let it destroy you. You're clearly a strong and caring person who has already overcome a lot to get this far. Hang in there - there's a brighter future for you around the bend!!
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Oh, buddy--you need to get out of this situation.
I hope you answer all the pertinent ?? and come back. If you are "of age"--leave. Just, leave. Do you have sibs? If so, time for them to step up whether they want to or not.

Your dad is probably also being abused in some kind of fashion--and maybe he needs to be separated from mom.

My mother has said things to me that have caused me to look at her and think "WHY would you say that to ANYONE, esp. someone who is HERE, helping you, cleaning up after you, serving you?" She, too, did not want to have me. This is a hurt that runs deep and wide.

You need to get OUT of this toxic situation and into something healthier--and be more controlling of the time you do spend with your mother. She has kept you "away" from growing up and from having a life. Good parents DON'T DO THAT. They support and help their kids to one day fly the nest!!!

Your post broke my heart. Please come back and talk with us all some more. We care.
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I had a herniated disc and eventually needed back surgery. I got about 3 hours of sleep at night - because of the pain. At the time my 94 year old mom with Alzheimer's and bladder cancer was living with me, I was caring for her and working fulltime. After the surgery I wasn't healing like I should. I was told it was because of all the stress in my life. Pain, stress and nerves are all linked together. Last August I moved my mom into memory care. I still have issues; but am much better and I do get to sleep at night. Sleep also has a lot to do with our body healing itself.  Sounds like you are neglecting yourself. 

Your situation sounds horrible, it's time to take care of yourself. Your herniated disc can get worse and then who will care for you. Please take the advice others have given you and get out to this toxic situation.
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PixelZed, please check the "related" questions below. The 1st 2 on my screen are 1. is it normal she's so negative? and 2. when is enough enough w/narcissistic parents?
- if I read your part correctly, you'd be labelled as "the scapegoat", a classic part played by so many kids its sickening, imo
- if you don't know about that game yet, scapegoats are usually the game-changers, & this is good, imo

I wonder what happens at work when she loses items? I'd be surprised if her colleagues aren't picking up on it. Even with just the amount of times she's forgotten her work keys... that should be a habit.
Not knowing if you're able to move out, such a major decision! Congrats for being there for them, especially your Dad.
I hope you're not giving up major portions of living your life. Speaking as one who did because I didn't know better; I found this site years too late.
I'm glad you reached out. Keep on!
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Your Mother could be a suspicious or paranoid adult with ADD. When a person has ADD they often can't remember where they placed their belongings i.e., keys/ badge or why they go from one room to another. When not diagnosed and treated it can get the adult to be blaming and suspicious. A person with ADD can learn to keep their purse organized and to pattern themselves where they put whatever in the same place all the time. See if your Mom will go to a Dr. with you so you can relay to the Dr. how you see her strange behaviors. She could be scapegoating her frustrations and shortcomings by lashing out at you. Blessings.
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I once read a book called "Get Me Out of Here!" It was a memoir by a woman who had recovered from BPD (borderline personality disorder) with help from a psychiatrist. That enlightened me as to what this sickness entails. Your mom sounds like she may suffer from it. I agree with some of the other commenters -- if you're under 18, call CPS, and if you're over 18, call APS (adult protective services). Not only for your own sake, but for your father, who it sounds like is also vulnerable.

Your mom needs help and at the moment you're the only one who can provide it for her, but you'll have lots of support from adults in your community if you reach out. Best of luck. I really feel for you, as I have known a couple of young people in similar circumstances. You have the patience of a saint -- but enough is enough.
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How very sad that your mother did not get help many years ago, there is no doubt that she needed it for herself, but also for your father and yourself. But, it is now and IT IS TIME TO TAKE ACTION! You're receiving great advise from the above contributors and I concur.

Please know that God loves YOU. He KNOWS you have great value and potential and purpose, after all He created you in HIS image according to the Bible. Pray to him and He will guide you in making the very difficult decisions you are facing.
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