I am the oldest of 3 and unlike my siblings, I have lived close to our parents my whole life. As I got older, we became friends and were involved in each others lives and shared good times and bad. Now they are physically and mentally declining and my sister has moved close to help care for them. Things changed once she returned and now she has been assigned both power of attorney and executor of their wills. My brother is second. None of this was discussed beforehand and I only found out when I saw the documents. They were upset that I wanted to read them and ask questions. I feel that I should not have been excluded from the discussions and being aware of the plans for their future. I don't understand the secrecy and defensiveness on this issue. Everything is to be divided up equally among us 3. I am quite sure she's shared all this information with my sister. I understand that each of us have different capabilities and qualities that assign us to different responsibilities. What I don't understand is why I'm left in the dark. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Need advice and thoughts on how to deal with this.
Assuming that you believe their final wishes are being addressed, then yes, I would let it go and just focus on your parents. If they are lucid, however, I might ask about how they reached the decision to have your brother and sister handle everything. That seems odd, given your closeness, but if it makes sense to you, then just let it go.
The main thing is that your parents' best interests are being served and that they are not being coerced into arrangements that they do not support.
You sound like a wonderful daughter!
Many people are left nothing but memories.
You will get 100% of those! So spend the remaining time with your parents making special ones instead of focusing on hypotheticals of what you will get, you might get, won’t get, might not get, etc.
Time together should be the most valued gift.
The documents - the new will and the POA documents - were left lying around in the parents' home on the dining table in plain view, Annie noticed them and naturally enough scan-read them to see what they were; and then as she states above they (her parents?) were upset when she (again, naturally enough) wanted to read them fully and understand the plan.
I expect that on this one occasion they were upset because they were embarrassed. They had trotted off to see their lawyer, received the documents, and then let the cat out of the bag, all without consulting you, and they were probably half-aware that really this was an issue that needed to be discussed in a practical way with all three of their children and not just scrambled through. So they will have felt partly guilty and partly foolish, and - again, I expect - they'd probably rather talk about almost anything else.
However.
There is the Need To Know basis for sharing information.
None of you needs to know what's in their will; now you do know, all the same, that their estates will be divided equally between the three of you; there really isn't any concern there. Leave it be.
The power(s) of attorney are different, though, because these will affect what authority each of you has to support their future care and carry out their preferences.
So: who is the primary caregiver?
What responsibilities are anticipated?
What is the remit of the power of attorney, and what sort of POA is it?
These are reasonable questions to ask. You should be included in the Need To Know circle.
I sympathise with and can share the experience of trying to work with a sibling in these circumstances. It can be extremely stressful and painful.
But. You go on to explain that you don't trust your sister, you believe her to be greedy, selfish and uncaring whereas you yourself are loving, caring and selfless.
Well, now. What would your sister say?
Go back to your original post, this part: "Now they are physically and mentally declining and my sister has moved close to help care for them. Things changed once she returned and now she has been assigned both power of attorney and executor of their wills."
Your sister moved back, you say, to help care for them; and in addressing almost at once the issues of their estate and their powers of attorney she was not wrong. These needed to be addressed, and it needed to get done before your parents declined past the point of being able to create powers of attorney. Was that not something that had occurred to you before?
She came back to help, she rolled up her sleeves and got on with it. Why she didn't think it better to include you in the discussion I don't know - do you?
In your case, you've been deliberately excluded, whilst the others are not. In these situations, it's often difficult to discern who is running the manipulations, is it a sibling, a parent or a team of one or both parent(s) + one or more siblings?
Typically the exclusion matches a lifelong pattern of one-covert-family-member orchestrating manipulations targeted against a scapegoat.
The dynamics often will rotate the targeted scapegoat; but, typically, needs at least one sibling teamed with one parent. Which, as mentioned, makes it difficult to pinpoint who is controlling the manipulations, is it a sibling, parent(s), or a team comprised of both?
Is it possible to emotionally detach to view this as an opportunity to escape? since remaining in that situation will maintain its psychologically manipulative status quo ...
All in all, the solution sits in silently emotionally exiting that situation;
Why? Because reasoning with manipulative ______ never "works."
Why?-->they'll manipulate you into believing their bullshit, and/or they'll deny everything whilst blaming you.
Their goal typically is to keep you in place, positioned as their psychological punching bag.
A silent physical exit, will most protect you, b/c anything you say, will be twisted/used against you. Gather your plants, pets, photos and offspring as you exit. Block everything on social media. Be done with their b.s.
Sorry for being long winded, but I wanted to get across that sometimes there are reasons for lack of communication and it may not be related to greed. You mention that you became "friends" with your parents but you don't mention providing care or taking on any responsibilities. Were you trying to take some of these things on and having issues and maybe that's why your sister had to move closer and take things over? I feel like we're missing some information...
It's a pretty well known fact that at the end of life those physically closest to you and most involved in your life have an easier time getting advantageous treatment in your will. Right now, there may be an even split, but give the siblings time to work on your parents and this may change. Especially if they live to an advanced age or become seriously ill - they are more malleable then. You did say they are already declining.
There are plenty of people on here who say this shouldn't be about the money, but to many people being well-treated in the will equates to the love you believe that parent feels for you. Whether that's right, wrong or whatever then it doesn't matter if that's how you feel, because being cut out by scheming siblings hurts! And once your parents are gone, there's no way to fix that kind of emotional pain.
The other consideration is how your parents will be treated if your siblings are scheming. I've been on this board long enough to equate money-grabbing relatives with poor care for those in their charge. Medical issues are neglected, sometimes deliberately. Parents are left dirty and unfed, sometimes even physically abused. Happened to one of my relatives, but I didn't realize it until it was too late - as many other seniors, she protected her abusers. She lied and covered up for them, making up excuses of slipping and falling to explain her bruises.
I have no siblings, but have been in a similar situation with my step-mother. She married many men and took them all to the cleaners, then helped them into the grave. I saved my dad from her and it was the most difficult and exhausting fight of my life - but my dad's life depended on it.
My husband also had this problem with his siblings. It's a very painful position to be in.
Many of these devious people use the same tactic, so be aware - they try to cut you off from the parent as much as possible. If that's happening to you - and I believe it's already started, considering you were left in the dark on these major decisions and they were upset because you simply asked questions - you have another red flag.
My only suggestion is to talk to your parents about this situation - very, very calmly. You said their mental conditions are deteriorating. Can you assess if they are still competent enough to understand the potential consequences of putting your siblings in charge of their health and their finances? If they are not competent you need to take action. It will be a lot easier said than done. A starting point might be to go to the attorney who made up the previous documents if he/she is not the same attorney who wrote the current ones. If your parents had a long-standing relationship with the previous attorney they may be able to set you in the right direction.
Best of luck to you - you will need to be stronger than you know if your choose to pursue this.
Any siblings who would do so could be found liable of fraud, both civilly and criminally. A lawyer who knowingly accommodates such wrongdoing would also be subject to severe disciplinary and monetary (perhaps lifelong) consequences.
This is not be worth the risk or the great monetary expense of defending multiple lawsuits.
If you get written out of a will completely by your parents for cause, respect their final wishes. If you wanted their money and stuff so much that you are willing to sue, it would have been easier to have just prioritized the relationship!
if you know someone who was written out and did not sue, it’s not too hard to read through the lines—this was a damaged relationship. If you know someone who sued and lost, you don’t have to read between any lines. Just look up the court case.
Parents usually only exclude heirs in severe circumstances.
You can’t contest your mother’s will while she is still alive. Do you want POA? Do you want medical or legal POA? Both are nightmares. Imagine being solely responsible for life-and-death healthcare decisions—what if you are questioning the medical providers’ recommendations? What if your siblings don’t agree with the legal or financial decisions you are making and they decide to challenge you legally? Do you want to be the caretaker? These are very difficult jobs and the legal scrutiny in many states, after the fact, if challenged, may not be paid for out of the estate. Accordingly, this responsibility could break you financially, even if you do everything right.
How could you be upset based on the principal of the split if you know you get 1/3? You were to get 1/3 before and 1/3 now. Keep in mind that you shouldn’t even really know about this percentage until after their death. They told you this to make you feel secure, that you were still getting an equal share. Why would you want to rock the boat and make them wonder if you care more about their money than them?
If you are upset about not being the executor… think again. I am an executor and this has been a disastrous nightmare in my life. Imagine packing up and cleaning up every last item, especially if you love them so deeply. Throwing out their clothes, donating artifacts from your childhood or their personal treasures. This is a highly charged emotional journey of pain. The executor gets a small monetary fee which doesn’t begin to cover the amount of work and toil that’s required. You should be grateful if they named one of your siblings- instead of you- for this horrific task.
Mom never remembered going to the lawyer, she thought she went to the Doctor. Was it worth me bringing charges due to the fact mom had dementia? No. Brother has/had no money so why bother. I was able to get mom the best care and she passed away peacefully.
I have posted frequently as the story happened. This site has been there for me.
I am the oldest of 4, and when dad died 30 years ago my brother, 2nd who was the executor of his will, never read it aloud. I never questioned anything. Hind sight is 20/20 and I should have asked to read the will. Fast forward 30 years, Mom died earlier this year. Since dad's death I had been told that I was not in the will, and I never questioned that decision; it is and was my parents' money and they can do whatever they want with their money. After Mom's death, I found out I was in the will, and was getting 1/4th of everything, provided I did not question anything that my brother and sisters decided to do. As I was helping to clear out important documents, I found and kept the original will. To my shock and sadness, dad had named me as Mom's Primary Care Giver, had given me POA, and health care advisor, provided that I undertook the task once dad died; there was a 7 year waiting period. If I did nothing for 7 years, the duties would go to my brother and sister. Seven years passed after dad died, I did my yearly visits, weekly calls, but nothing special. So they took over. They paid themselves a hefty yearly salary, got control of her finances, made the house out to Mom and sister, and now want my share of the 1/4th to be split between the 3 of them.
So yes, it does happen, my dad knew those three were greedy and tried to protect Mom. She would not have died so soon as I would have watched her health; she had TIA's and sister, whom Mom was living with did not know this and was just disgusted that Mom was wetting herself in public. I am still trusting of them, I know this is bad. I now know that if my "close siblings" can cheat anyone sibling others will do the same. Husband, children and I have always lived within our means so Mom's money will help in our old age. My siblings however were so used to her money they are in financial ruin. Money makes siblings, no matter how religious they are, very greedy.
Now the healing can begin :)
What we think happened is that the big, impersonal church she belongs to came to her after her husband passed away and talked her into donating some huge chunk of her estate to the church when she dies. It's her money, and if she wants to bequeath a pile of cash or her house to them, that is her right. However, if they convinced her to leave everything to them, there is going to be a squabble.
She told my husband that he should destroy her old will, but he is hanging onto it in case we need it if we have to show that her original intention, before somebody got to her, was not to disinherit her only family. She is perfectly sane, except for her weird habit of making stuff up, so it's not a matter of dementia. If she ever does get dementia, it will probably be Irish dementia - she will forget everything but her grudges. ;-)
Since things have still be divided equally, try to let go of the feeling of being left out. It would appear that the documents were not all that hidden since you saw them. And you acknowledge that everyone has different capabilities. Think back, even when you were living near to them and more involved when they didn't need so much care, were the siblings the same children that parents often discussed personal finances/planning type issues? Were they the children that others see as making level headed decisions? That could play a part in this.
Maybe it was just a touchy subject when will was updated. Mom wanted something in place, felt a little uneasy discussing her wishes with you BECAUSE you became close to her, yet she wanted to name sis as POA/executor. I am curious as to why mom updated her will, but no mention about dad. Is it possible that old wills left everything to each other and she wanted something in place to handle her affairs because he is likely to go first? Also, are these siblings older than you? Often they assign duties based on first born, second, etc.
Rest easy knowing you were equally included. At least you don't have that battle or hurt feelings. And try to keep in mind that a will is often very personal and private to those who get them done - kind of like a surprise gifting at the end if anything is leftover.
My husband’s family is fighting about this same issue . Split the family in half. Having biblically shunned the two on the POA s . No family visits Or holidays, because the sister refuses to be in the same room. Dragged everyone into the battle. Parents have said this is how they want it. For some reason , the sister has some power over them to continue this ridiculous battle.
Try to be accepting of the choices. Probably, There is some uncomfortable thoughts of your acceptance of this. Yes, you need copies, but knowing what I know from my experiences, I would be happy to be in the supportive roll of my sisters.
Before we were to get inheritance from the death of my mom in law, my mom wanted to move in to the house where we lived which was not mine but my deceased MIL. Long story short my mom sold her home refused to give any money to us toward our hope to be home still didn't know if we would clear the cost through inheritance. wanted to move in with her dog and 2 cats at no expense to her. We would give her 2 of the 5 bedrooms and 1of the 3 bathrooms of the house. We told her no, when she wouldn't give us the 30,000 she promised. She changed her will and took me out completely and put my brother as executor only and the only inheritor of hers. She bought a 225,0000 house in the neighborhood my brother bought a house in, 3 houses down, 3yrs ago. Now I have to take her to stores and Dr's. Appts. Which I don't mind but my brother's name is on her home and she can't change her will if she wanted to. I know this doesn't help you in your situation other than maybe you would feel your not alone and it happens. I hope you can take a small comfort in this?
My mother made out a will and did not want to leave him anything. She explained to her attorney why and the attorney said you should leave him something or this will wind up in court. She then told her that she can leave him something but to make me a joint owner on her account with survivorship. That way it will be up to me if I want to split anything with him. Since joint owner with survivorship does not go through probate there is nothing in her estate to divvy out if I see fit.
let him call me names like he has in the past. Just keep it up bro!!!!
thanks for letting me vent...😀😀
At all..
I was POA. I was forced. My sister was chosen. But she cried & said "no I can't do it!"
I said, ok i'll do it. I had to...
Oh my God, hardest thing ever. No one trusted me. I have 9 siblings.
I say, YOU'RE LUCKY!!!
but go ask your folks. We can't tell you why this happened. They can.
Bless your heart.
Also you can amend the POA, etc if your parents want to through the attorney.
The reason they did not assign those tasks to you does not have to be a negative one and it may in fact have been a very loving decision.
My guess is that they feel very close to you. They know that for the last several years you have done the most for them while living the closest while your two siblings have done much less in that they have (until now - sister) lived further away.
Why give you even more to do when you have already done more? Maybe they have decided to try to ‘even up’ the responsibilities amongst the three of you by making your siblings the Executor and POA.
I hope you can find peace.
Maybe they kept you in the dark because they thought you might want to take it on when you've done and are doing so much already. Maybe your mom had to strong arm your siblings into doing their part and knew she couldn't do that with you present.
The only answe can come from your mom though.
Of comfort for me if I were one of the siblings in your situation is the stipulation that the estate is to be divide equally among the siblings.
May I ask if you have approached the POA/executor and said something like, "I would like it if you would explain what is in the POA and last will and testament?"
In any event, you know how the estate is being divided.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Unfortunately this stage of life is ripe for manipulation! It is why my Will is categorically an equal split between my children and if I CAN I am cutting myself off at the pass BEFORE care is needed or fought over