My mother wants to go to a movie. Her POA won't give permission and won't take her. Can I hire someone to do this?

Once your mother is deemed cognitively compromised by the state's standard or the guidelines established in the POA, then the POA becomes the decision maker. Guardianship is not needed if the POA document is well written; the POA should be able to make every decision necessary as if they were the principal, including who can visit at LTC.

From 2500 miles away and over a phone line, it is almost impossible to evaluate your mother's competence or functional level. My mother recently attended a cousins' luncheon with me and conversed with family, many of whom have known her for decades. She enjoyed herself and appeared very normal, if you didn't notice she asked me to order her meal or that most of her contributions to the conversation were comments about how things were years ago (how the bus system worked in the 1950s or how she liked the Winn-Dixie grocery which closed almost 20 years ago). One of my second cousins walked out with us and as we pulled away, my mother asked me "Now who was that?" Just the oldest daughter of my mother's best friend since high school, who Mom has known and seen every month or so literally since her birth nearly 70 years ago.

My biggest worry is Mom standing up and trying to walk without her walker. Since a fall permanently damaged her knee, she needs a walker and with her short term memory problems she forgets about the injured knee until she attempts to walk and it gives way. I had a major scare just this week when she stood up from the toilet and starting walking out of the bathroom without the walker. Fortunately when the knee collapsed under her, Mom was able to grab the vanity and didn't fall.

Is it possible the POA has aggressively limited your access because you have become a "problem" by continuing to be dismissive of your mother's true limitations? Perhaps the POAs know your mother would be unable to function in a strange movie theater, so the idea of someone dropping her off and picking her up is appropriately rejected? As my mother's short term memory declined, Mom began to see me as a "security blanket", allowing her to function well in strange environments. Until she became accustomed to the adult day care she attends 3 days a week, she was very anxious about being there without me. Even now, she has a mild level of anxiety in our home when in the care of her son or another care giver. The NH facility, along with it's staff and routine, are now a comfort zone for your mother; she may not function well outside it anymore - something that's almost impossible for you to see from 2500 miles away.

I suggest you either accept the POAs determination that your mother needs to remain in the facility or travel that 2500 miles to spend at least 10 hours a day with your mother for a week or so to develop your own sense of her functional limitations. Please stop telling or implying the POAs are bullies and neglecting your mother. Instead I suggest you call (or maybe email if that lets you better consider your wording) the POA and tell him/her about your mother's desire to watch some movies and _ask_ how the NH shows movies. Is there a viewing room with a DVD or does your mother have access to a DVD in her room? Could you send a DVD player and/or some movies to Mom? Does the TV in her room have an HDMI connection available?

You need to start becoming a supportive member of Mom's care team (and that means supporting the POAs too) instead of a less informed but always critical outside voice. You might even want to apologize for some of your previous behavior, explaining your phone calls with Mom had you thinking she was more functional than she really is. You are not the first family member to make this mistake, most make them from a lot closer than 2500 miles. The only way forward that doesn't risk your access to Mom and your relationships with the POAs is to become far less combative. Good Luck mending your fences.

As stated by others if your mother is competent she can cancel the POA. But as you are 2500 miles away, you are not seeing her and people with dementia can easily fake it through a phone call.

I would expect that the POA has been enacted because she is not competent.

I'm sorry this is very direct and sounds harsh. I know you are in anguish. But you need to wake up and smell the roses.

You state "her POA won't give permission". That's it. It's not going to happen. It does not matter if you find someone to provide medical transport and supervision to a nearby theater; the trip is never going to happen because "her POA won't give permission".

Your mother chose her POA and let that decision stand for 20 years. Your mother chose this person(s) to handle her affairs. She did not choose you.

When your mother had a stroke, her POA was there for the doctors' assessment of the stroke's impact and your mother's ability to SAFELY live alone. You state your mother is not able live alone and your mother was on Medicaid within 2 weeks of placement. Medicaid does an investigation of finances during qualification so it is highly unlikely the POAs did anything to exploit or steal from your mother since it would have been revealed and prevented qualification You could report your concerns to the state Medicaid office and if misuse of funds or resources has occurred your mother would be disqualified. Who would pay for her care then? Would losing Medicaid be in your mother's best interest?

I am truly sorry you find yourself so vexed over your mother's circumstances and your own inability to provide her with the gift of an afternoon movie. Several people provided you with good advice to help you better understand and cope with your frustration, guilt, and anger over your powerless position and to assist you in finding a different way to gift your mother with a happy afternoon diversion. They do not deserve your angry venting because they could not help you achieve the impossible, but they all understand it and forgive you for it. We have all to one extent or another been there and done that.

Your latest post makes it clear you have serious personal problems with the POAs that have nothing to do with your mother's current living arrangements. You are extremely lucky to have any contact with your mother. The POAs appear to be acting in your mother's best interest (allowing continued contact with her daughter even when contact is causing problems) and possibly with compassion for you.

The reality of your situation is the legal options at this point are few:

(1) Mend your fences with the POAs. Bury your personal contempt and treat the POAs with respect and courtesy. Stop fighting against their authority. You may have some influence if you are a pleasant and reasonable person. Accept your mother is in NH and will not be leaving. Try to make her experience within the NH better. Send cards and small gifts of skin cremes or favorite foods. See if the NH has a commissary or a hair dresser and gift your mother with a weekly wash and set or some other small gift that reminds her of your love and affection. Visit her for a few days as often as you can.

(2) Lose all contact with your mother. No phone calls, letters, visits, or medical condition updates. In most states, not even any legal requirement to notify you of her death if there is no estate to settle. If the POA can show your phone calls to Mom telling her how badly her POA is treating her or your interference with the NH is causing problems, not even APS will intervene to help you maintain contact privileges.

(3) _If_ the POA is springing, prove your mother is competent and the POA should not be empowered to make decisions for her. Almost impossible without access to the POA document and the medical assessments which the POA controls. Your mother can engage an attorney to pursue this if she has the funds, which is doubtful considering she is on Medicaid.

(4) Obtain guardianship to override the POA. Expensive and nearly impossible since you need to prove the POA document is fraudulent or the POA's actions impair your mother's health or safety. Denying quality of live trips outside a safe facility does not meet the standard.

I think I would contact my own eldercare attorney to investigate this. If Mom is cognitive the POA should not have this much control. Mom shoud be able to change the POA and exclude them from her home, if you are willing to step in and take over the POA. but POA has no authority until Mom is declared incompetent by whoever has that authority, be it a doctor or a court. Not the person recently holding the POA. In most cases the holder of the POA has no authority until the person effected is declared incompetent.
You might ask the attorney if a person recovers from a medical condition such as a stroke if the POA then becomes inactive again. I think it does.
good luck.

Great food for thought here, but one I'll add is: is Mother continent?

Being incontinent makes for another factor to consider when taking her out for several hours.

I appreciate you wanting your mother out on the town for her own good and joy, but (no excuses, honestly) sometimes taking out our elders is utterly exhausting for the caregiver.

I’d have to say that if your mother is cognitive, which means she is able to make her own decisions, she should be able to go wherever she wants whenever she wants. It’s my understanding that POA only comes into effect when the person cannot make their own decisions. If your mother is able to do this, I don’t understand why her POA would have so much power over her and why you are being locked out.

Movies come out streaming/DVD within a few months. Probably best to wait for that and then she can watch it at home. Easier as you can pause for bathroom and snack breaks. Or if she falls asleep.

So realistically you aren’t positive your mother can navigate the movie theater alone. You are 2500 miles away. It’s going to be difficult if not impossible to work this out. You would need to plan the movie time, hire transportation and a sitter during the movie. You’ll need someone with her the entire time.

Once she is there, can she transfer from a WC to the seat in the theater? I don’t think they will allow wheelchairs in the aisles of the theater due to a possible escape route. However if she can physically do it, then why not? She should be allowed to if her safety is assured and she won’t be alone. Her safety needs to assured - theaters are dark and difficult to navigate in, and the floors are a mess with sticky soda spills. Also the CG would need to know evacuation procedures just in case something happens, like a fire.

Have you explained to the POA that you are willing to work and pay for her to be able to go to movies and provide the transportation and supervision she needs?

Sounds like there is some discord amongst your mothers POA and you. I sense bitterness there. I hope you can work out your differences.

But it if your mom’s health care team feels mom is stable enough to go to the movies provided her safety is assured, then why not?

My mother loved movies. She watched TCM, AMC all the time. Last movie we took her to was “Titanic” & she loved it.

I hope all the logistics work out for you.

Any chance of repairing your relationship with mom’s POA?

I consider movie theaters very very dangerous for those with any impairment mental or physical. Their stairs are often steep. The lights go down and there is no way to see for bathroom trips. It is not always possible for us to do the things we would want to do. Sad as that is, it is often a fact. It appears that there has been tremendous dissention here with family members to come to this, and certainly a movie is not worth going to war for. Just my opinion. We don't always get what we want in life. Get the latest Stephen King book and read it to her with passion. Or an old favorite; meanwhile indulge on what is available online. Wishing you the best. Please try to be cooperative at least in Mom's presence, because being caught in the middle of warring siblings is terrible for someone in their latter days, when they are in a weakened condition. Try to pull together. When Mom is gone you need never see any of them again, should you wish not to. I know that Mom will not now be able to do EVERYTHING she would like to do. But that is life, quite honestly. Help her to do those things she still can. Good luck.

This forum was once helpful to me. I want to thank those that actually read and answered my questions. In answer to your answers: the movie theater is ADA compatible. It isnt dirty, dark, no stairs. She is in a walker, doesnt have dementia, or anxiety, is not lying to me and I am not in denial. She is not incontinent. She has read everything Stephen King has written. She doesnt want to watch a DVD and doesnt care about what the critics or you think about the movie. She wants to go to a movie, she is a human being, a US citizen and she can go to a movie. I am trying to figure out HOW. I am not warring with any siblngs. There is nothing available online. She doesnt have online. She cant watch the movie at home, she is in a NH. She doesnt need a bathroom break and wont fall asleep. It is true that I am not sure she can navigate this outing alone. THAT IS WHY I AM ASKING IF ANYONE HAS ANY IDEAS OF HOW I CAN HIRE SOMEONE TO DO EXACTLY THAT...PICK HER UP, TAKE HER TO, AND BRING HER HOME FROM A MOVIE. She is not in a wheelchair and I made that clear in my original post. The POA has no interest in talking to me, my mother is fully capable of talking for herself. She wants to go to the movie. The POA lied to her about all the conditions to leave the facility, my mother talked to the NH, they said none of that was true, except POA needs to give permission for liability reason and medical transport would be fine, people are checking in and out of the place all hours of the day and night on their own getting cabs. But POA still wont allow anyone, family, children, friends, no one to take her anywhere and they wont do it either. I cannot repair anything with the POA and their problem with me because I have no idea what it is. I went to visit my mother last May, I asked the POA about her medical records, the POA informed me he was changing my mothers life insurance and will, I said I dont think its legal for you to do so, and he assaulted me...300+ lbs of angry redneck, all it takes is one question to make them feel dumb and they will attack you. Um, yeah, I guess I am the problem here, eh? No. I am not the problem. No one is limiting anything between my mother and I except the POA said I cannot call the lawyer or NH because he will not put up with any oversight. He is in a wheelchair himself, they are all in worse mental shape than my mother, the POA was signed from 20 years ago, then recently, when Mom has stroke, they all jumped up to take their proud place to liquidate all her assets to all their friends and selected family members before I was ever informed she was in the hospital. She was on Medicaid within 2 weeks of hospitalization. They have spent 7000.00 on elder lawyers taking advantage of them because they are so uneducated and backwards that they have no idea of what they are doing, they do not have a computer, email, cell phones, they are barely crapping inside the house, these are backwoods people. And lastly for the comment about me being the 'always critical outside voice'...and the advice of how to better kiss the asses of these criminals who are imprisoning my mother...you have no idea. Please do not equate your experience with my own. I need to be far less combative? I find it totally ridiculous to believe that I am treated like sh*t, assaulted, my mothers family and her lawyer are bending any and every law they can to make her indigent and pack her away in a warehouse NH, refusing to take her anywhere, or let anyone else do it...and you think I need to try to get along with them? I have my own lawyer and I am following his advice, and as the actual laws vary state to state, nothing you offered has been useful, its basically been a way to flog me in leiu of dealing with your own personal family issues. I AM ASKING ABOUT HOW TO GET MY MOTHER TO A MOVIE, IS THERE A BUSINESS, A PROFESSION, CAN I HIRE MEDICAL TRANSPORT, PAY SOMEONE TO STAY WITH HER, DOES ANYONE HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH THIS? Thanks anyway.