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Brother was made POA little over a year ago under questionable circumstances and while it was being challenged it had not yet been replaced with a new one but paperwork said she could verbally change it/revoke at any time. She did so with her elder care advocate, doctors, and family members, self included.
he lives in another state and has not taken any interest in her care or her for that matter ( not even visiting, calling, rarely) for several years. My mother has been renting to him his home ( that mom had sold to him a few years prior to provide him a home to live in school district with his boys while going thru a bad divorce process) in another state along with my sister who helps care for her and has for the last three years. He stated last November ‘21 to me and my siblings that he wanted to put her in a nursing home and was going to start the process. I told him this wasn’t what mom wants, never has. I asked what does that mean exactly. At this time, he was not POA. Anyone will tell you I know my other better than anyone and had cared for her many years while she lived with me until my sister was kicked out of her residence in another state and moved here and they decided to become roommates. She has retired from the state of Illinois and has means to have in home care and remain in the home with her dog and that was and always has been her wishes. Never to go into a nursing home. My brother never answered that text and I found out six months later that the POA had been done. He has kept me from her for several months, knowing I would enlighten her to what was going on. When I was finally able to make contact with her and she found out what happened and what she had signed and read the texts, that’s when elder care was told by her, etc. Since then, I have been helping my sister to care for her and get her help and assistance with things that no one else has been looking out for her to do. She has been thriving as much as one can even at bed rest. Until the two weeks prior to this past Thanksgiving. I became sick and good night and possibly caused her to catch what I had or make her sick. By Thanksgiving day it seemed all right for me to go over there and by afternoon I did, and she said in the recliner in the living room most of the day watching movies ate like a horse and had a wonderful day. That was the most time she had spent in the recliner at one time and within a day or two later my sister said she noticed a place that it started on her back. This developed into a pressure sore. well, she has an air mattress and all the things, it was one of those situation swear he just sat too long in the wrong type of chair, and it just did not come to anyone’s mind the situation. The doctor was called, home health was attempted to be brought in. Time passed no help was given attempts were made, and trying to address the wounds when they took a turn for the worse. She was put into the hospital, are called to do so in order to get the help needed. While there palliative care came in and recommended, sitting her home with hospice. This was based upon malnourishment, needing people to care for her needs, and being bedbound, and the pressure sores. She was 2 1/2 days in a local ER waiting for transfer where they overfilled her with fluids was not giving her nourishment. She was exhausted, tired and worn out. I really wasn’t speaking much to anyone. Basically they took a snapshot and made a decision. This was not her regular doctor. This was not her regular hospital and all other documentation. Well at that hospital showed vitals were excellent progress was made she was responsive, etc. being stunned, that hospice was being recommended, she has four children, and we had a discussion That did not go well as family members were split. The brother that had the POA was still throwing the nursing home term out and others including myself wanting reassurance that that would not be an option. Hospice said they needed three (cont’d)

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So...

Your Mom is 86-yrs old, is living in the state of Illinois in the home of one of her adult children. The PoA (your brother) has now moved in and seeking to get hospice set up for her.

If your brother is the only name that appears in the PoA document, then I don't know why there needs to be agreement from all 4 siblings for any of her care to move forward? If this is something your Mom expressed only verbally, then I don't think this would hold up in court (but IL law may be different from other states). It is causing all sorts of discord and not helping your Mom's situation.

The fear of going into a good facility is, IMHO, completely blown out of proportion and is probably based on memories of terrible nursing homes of the past. Today's facilities are often amazing nice and many provide outstanding care, even when residents are on Medicaid, like my own MIL. So, I'm speaking out of personal experience.

FYI, my MIL was put on hospice when she got covid and after 4 weeks she fully recovered and is doing just great now. No longer on hospice, back in her regular room in LTC enjoying the social interaction with the staff and others, going to activities and events, getting all the medical attention she needs. Just saying that facility care is not the end of the world and your Mom may benefit from it.

If your brother's PoA is now legally activated, this must mean your Mother has a diagnosis of memory/cognitive incapacity to manage her own affairs. If you think your brother got the PoA in an illegal way, then you will need to prove this in court, and your Mother may then need to be brought before a judge to prove this one way or another. You may need to pursue guardianship for your Mother but if the judge sees a bunch or irrational in-fighting in your family, the judge may decide to assign a neutral party as her guardian. It happens. So think long and hard as you struggle against your brother rather than fighting him.

Consider a court-appointed family mediator to work out a solution that is in your Mom's best interests and is not onerous to your brother who is the legal PoA (as far as is known).
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Bridget66 Jan 2023
The POA may have been in effect when signed. Not all POA's have to be activated.
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Matthew, I practiced as RN for years, was deeply involved with social workers. The "fights" we saw for guardianship years ago went to well over 10,000.00 with the "winner" getting to take these funds out of the elder's estate. More often for us, judges not wanting to play Solomon, not wanting to threaten to divide the baby, would give guardianship to the State. The state then appoints a licensed fiduciary who takes care of EVERYTHING at some cost to the estate, with no children having anything to say about anything.
It is interesting that Sister is taking care of Mom yet she has seemed to give guardianship to a son at war with another son. When the attorney says to you that you should make the decision about countering for guardianship do check in with him about costs. He will likely give you his hourly fee without giving you the facts that your Mom, your bro and you will have an attorney, and if you lose you might be paying for all of them. Just get all the facts, and then make your decision.
As I said, for me, I am on my knees begging to see my Mom accompanied by Sis or brother.
Good luck. And I sure hope you will update us. And I surely do hope that someone in all this mess is talking to Mom about what SHE might want.
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Matthew633 Jan 2023
and my sister picked up the phone and said I don’t think mom is doing well. I talked thru it with her on the phone. I believe she was having a stroke that nite and may have passed but I think God intervened. Since then, things haven’t been perfect but I have been able to again help take care of my mother because my sister isn’t cut out for it and she’s glad for me to do it and we have worked out what went on before and some of the things she was doing that wasn’t good. It’s come a long way. And I’m grateful. I meant to mention earlier, when I was kept from house and had no contact etc., and concerned about the well being and care APS was contacted and that was when they became involved and have become a part of our imperfect group.
Hopefully some of this brings more clarity to the situation. Some of it I don’t even understand myself. I can’t say why my brother is doing what he is no more than I could my sister. We were all raised under the same roof. We were all taught to love and care and we’re family. I don’t know what’s happened.
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Tell us what you understand about hospice.

It is not euthanasia.
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Matthew633 Jan 2023
Please see my response above to AlvaDeer, please and thank you.
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Your brother could not have become guardian without a court hearing.

Your mom would have been appointed a guardian ad litem and she would have had legal representation.
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Matthew633 Jan 2023
He did go to court and get it. Using the doctors notes from earlier, not recent and not her own doctors. Also, the points used to justify the reason for hospice have almost completely been either greatly improved and documented and remarks reflecting he4 outlook as being nothing but good. Quite opposite of what snapshot they are using. That is part I don’t understand. I realize I cam most likely submit info disputing but the time is the problem here.
her ad listen that was assigned was a friend of my uncles who is in co hurts with my brother as well as the attorney of the board where I work.
There are a lot of political strings being pulled here and unfortunately my brothers wife ( who does not care for my mother ) is also a lawyer and worked for an elder care atty in this area years ago. The deck is stacked and the game they are playing is seemingly in their favor. I’m in such disbelief it’s this easily done.
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Sorry, your post was a little confusing.

First, Mom has to assign POA. That should have been the sibling caring for her, not a son who lives states away. Yes, you can download forms and have Mom sign but u also need a witness/s and notary. Best way is thru a lawyer. How did brother get Mom to sign off on anything states away.

Guardianship has to be done in the County she lives in. She also needs to be made aware, by letter, that there are proceedings. She then goes before a Judge and pleads her case. If Mom is competent to make informed decisions and shows she is getting care needed, then guardianship will not be granted. Her other children can contest it to. Your brother would have had to have documentation from doctors saying Mom was not competent to make her own decisions and and wasn't getting care needed. You need to ask brother what court signed off he was guardian. You may need a lawyer of your own to dispute it. To see if gusrdianship is on the up and up. If so, I would then say Mom had no notice of it and was not there to defend herself.

The bed sore. Doctors do not advise Hospice unless they feel its needed. They are really not there that much. But a nurse well versed in woundcare should be there. Should be checking that wound regularly. Bed sores arecserious. You are getting someone to bathe Mom. The access to equipment. A Nurse checking in.

If Mom is competent and brother is upsetting her, she can ask him to leave. Guardian or not he does not have to live with her. I would also like to see the papers making him guardian. Would like to see where a Judge signed off and in what court. Mom had a legal right to be at the hearing and her other children with her to contest. He also needed a lawyer. If he thinks POA means guardian, he is wrong. Again, Mom if is competent then she can revoke a POA.

Does Mom have money that brother feels he is entitled to. Guardianship does not give him the right to spend it anyother way then on Mom. He had to report yearly to the state and show that her money is going towards her care.

I think you need a lawyer to represent Mom and demanding that brother provide proof of guardianship. He can research and if legit claim that Mom was not informed of a court date and was not represented. If Mom does not want brother there, lawyer can request that he leave.
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This is a long long story, and basically we are getting ONE SIDE of a very divided family story.
We cannot possible judge the situation from where we sit in our homes around the world.
If you wish to go to court in a guardianship know that it will cost you a minimum of 10,000. Know that your brother who is appointed POA for your mom will almost certainly win the case, OR that guardianship will be taken from you both and given to the state.
If you suspect mismanagement of your mother's estate, then you can see the DA, an attorney, or call APS. That is the limit of what you can do. Your brother has offered a quarterly accounting. Don't know about your state, but in California he would not have to give you ANYTHING whatsoever.
I don't see any specific questions for us throughout this, but it was long, and I may have missed them.
Nothing is so upsetting at end of life, for a senior, than divided siblings at war. I feel dreadful for your Mom. Normally I wish our OPs good luck. In this case I wish it for this mother.
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Matthew633 Jan 2023
Also, I have also stated to the attorney that I’m not seeking to gain guardianship. I would definitely like to be involved in caring for her as I have been. I would certain,y be alright with a mediator to come in and help resolve and potentially bring in an unbiased , unrelated caring guardian to care and oversee this. It would be better than what is currently happening.
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As you say, an elder care attorney is involved. Nothing happens overnight here. Let the process work itself through.
Some of the players in this dilemma will have to provide documents. State your wishes with the attorney if you hired that person or state your wishes through Probate.
However you also state she is in Hospice or being considered. Her needed care may preceed going back home. If you do not want to be her guardian and brother id deemed not fit then the judge will assign her a guardian. That means the decision of hospice or housing will be decided by an outsider.
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So your Mom HAS, then, chosen and appointed your brother as the POA, it seems to me? Is that correct?
It seems to me it would be better to accept that now.
You tell us in your latest update that your sister was "thrown out of her house" and your mom moved out from your house to live with your sister --likely because she saw the sister as needing her (moms are like that). Whether it is a mistake, "co-dependency" as you label it, or not, it was your mom's choice.
If you go to court do know that your mom will be appointed an attorney. She will make her choices of guardianship known to the court. And she will be listened to EVEN IF she is already diagnosed with dementia, and that's as it should be.
As you update us more and more we learn more that this is a very complicated ongoing family trauma--one we could never in a number of years comb out, and one we are getting one side of. And as I said before,(whether with grace or not, who knows) a whole lot of water under the bridge.
So again, I can only again caution you, in a court battle the money hemorrhages out. Take great care with that for your own sake. And in court, with two brothers and a sister at war over the fragility of one mom, the judge will often remove guardianship from all involved and assign guardianship to the state with a court appointed fiduciary. When you get to court I would refrain from labeling others with such terms as co-dependency, and etc. because judges frown upon people diagnosing others. I have found most completely devoid of grace (and that's the truth).
Whether you know it or not I wish your ENTIRE FAMILY the very best. It is a dreadful thing (and in fact a pet peeve of mine) when children war over the still living bodies of their parents, causing great pain to said parents when they are at their most helpless. It puts me in mind of those who came to the dying Catherine of Siena while she still breathed to collect relics from her still living body--a fingernail here, a drop of blood there.
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AlvaDeer Feb 2023
PS: You mentioned you would be willing to do family mediations, Matthew. I think that's a great idea. Your attorney may actually suggest an attorney who specializes ONLY in mediation. But there are also other places to reach out to.
Geaton posted the following some time ago:
APFMnet.org (academy of professional family mediation)
ACRnet.org (Assn for conflict resolution)
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You give a lot of details but more info is needed:

- how old is your Mom?
- what state does she reside in?
- where is she currently living (receiving care when not in hospice or hospital)?
- does she have a diagnosis of memory or cognitive impairment?
- does she have any other medical/health problems besides the malnourishment and pressure sores?
- who is currently her legal guardian: is it the state? Or does brother still have active PoA?
- what is the specific question you wish to ask... is it to find out what your rights are for visiting your Mom?
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Matthew633 Jan 2023
Sorry, was trying to post altogether and couldn’t figure out how to do so . Hopefully I’ve covered it all above. Thank you for your response and interest in my situation.
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There are several sides , views, etc., to a situation, agreed. I do my best to account it to accuracy to best of my abilities and state when I’m making guesses or opinions. That said, is there money involved? Sure. And my view is that’s it’s hers to be spent how she wants on her care and the care that she wants. Brother has a differing view. Brothers actions has raised suspicion but some of that is brought about by how he has managed the process. Also, because he and his wife are the ones that have the most debt and like to spend and are the most detached from my mother aside from the other brother. They have already removed valuables and assets that she had stated she wanted them to dispersed in certain ways so don’t intend to see those wishes of hers being honored either. He has done her taxes for last few years and is only one to have know what she had financially. She had me on her checking for many years because she lived with me and in event she ever needed me to write something for her it was set up. Never once did I ever nor did I ever know what was in that account. My interest in and for my mother is for her to have the best care, love and anything else she wanted and to help protect that and ensure she gets that. Unfortunately, even if that meant coming at odds with family that didn’t have those same intentions. Every other family member can and would attest to the care and love I have shown her and continue. I’m the one she has relied on. The one her parents asked to look out for her. That’s what I’m trying to do. At the same time, if legally I’m helpless in stopping my brother from putting hospice in motion however he has managed to get it, or if not done timely, I cannot tell you how it feels to be separated from her knowing she can leave this earth and I have had the time taken from me to love her one more time. There’s nothing on this earth worth that or can replace it. Not for me.
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AlvaDeer Jan 2023
Hospice would NEVER put someone on hospice care because a son requests it, unless that person is unable to make their own decision, and that some is medical POA, and Hospice agrees with the MD ASSESSMENT that the person deserves now the peace of Hospice care because the person has likely got fewer than 6 months to live. You act as tho you have a brother who took charge and is attempting to kill his mother. I very much doubt that is the case, after reading all of this.
If you wish to see your Mother I am afraid you are at this point going to have to tell people that you will NOT mention any of these disruptive issues to her, that you wish only to visit and give her your love, that you will gladly be accompanied during the visit and will leave when requested. If you love your Mom as much as you say that is what you will do FOR HER now, as that is the only thing now to matter in all of this. I am 80. I put myself in your Mom's place. I would long for hospice and being eased out of this, in all truth.
As I said, and as a retired RN, Hospice will not be put in place because there's a son wanting his Mom to die. That is utter nonsense.
In short, so far, I am siding with the brother. And as I said, no one can quite honestly know what in the world is going on/has gone on in all of this.
Want to know what is happening with Mom? Your brother is now the lion at the gate. Throw yourself on his mercy. Beg to see your Mom even if only for minutes, and even if accompanied. As how you can help in these last days. That is you best chance, imho of seeing your Mom.
But you will do as you think best.
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