Follow
Share

I moved here in June after 26 years of living alone, and came to a borderline hoarders apartment, long story short she is all over me 24/7, does shopping, meals, laundry, and thinks I'm still a child. She has tremors and just unloads on me when she does not get her way or when things are not done as she wants (exactly) made clear for me it's this or a shelter even though she's loaded. I speak up, and her blood pressure goes through roof, like mine is all day/night waiting for next thing I do wrong like open windows to cool off 200 degree apartment with pre war non-stop steam, no privacy, space. Woke up with allergies, got dressed to go get breakfast (she's all over me in house about take out food (contamination) can't drink diet coke anymore (she forces ginger ale on me despite sugar, and good luck taking more than a 1/4 cup even seltzer. She thinks I have pnuemonia, got pandemic, despite sneezing all the time in morning. With no eat in at restaurants eat on sidewalks like a bum for 30 minutes of peace, she stays in during storms, or for weeks at a time so gets antsy, is good to me but I'm living life of a 12 year old, she wants me to get apartment, will never go to nursing home or assisted living, put locks on all cabinets, wants to donate her stuff for tax write off to clear clutter and does and her plan is for me to inherit doing this. Meanwhile I have anxiety, panic attacks, high blood pressure without this and feel I moved into jail. She's nice, waits on me hand/foot but acts like I'm back in high school, always reminds of everything I do wrong from day one of arriving where I told her we'll drive each other crazy, and she'll go back to childhood if she can't find current things. I'm not perfect but every day I'm miserable and pray to be out of this nightmare. I have no privacy and when I speak she's calls me fresh mouth and rambles on about her past life, and anything bad that happened, any call with anyone she'll speak for two hours, she'll runs water 24/7 and demand I drink cold water, and has to steralize cap, she'll yell at tv and start interrogating me and I live steralizing hands, outdoors and literally needs to be cleared for departure in the morning, she hates shoe laves so bought strapless, now those are considered slippers, so bought boots. Every day is a nightmare I wake up with knots in my stomach and demands she will be respects and any talk about and her blood pressure is up, sees spots. I love her but we're killing each other but beating her landlord means a lot to her by me getting this apt, I almost want one of us dead and wish it was me. I'm 58 years old, she told me can't go out at night like child, my life controlled 24/7.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Move out.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
wm1234 Dec 2020
She told me it would kill her, and she would disown me. My income would afford me a place in low-rent Ohio but would have to travel there with no car, anxiety attacks on trains, and no place to stay and could only take one bag with my meds, id's lap top and some clothes. She would call 911 immediately if I left. I'm willing to try to save my life but scared of money. I sit here, miserable, disgusted and completely stuck.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Confused, Who is taking care of whom?

Put a lock on your door, tell her to keep out.

An adult male does not allow his elderly mother to wait on him hand and foot.

Leave the house from 9:00 a.m. to dark.

BTW, the above are only suggestions, not telling you what to do.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
wm1234 Dec 2020
thank you but she takes care of me and she's 79. She waits on me hand and foot of her own choice because before I came here I ordered my food at all hours, had a place ten feet from door and dropped off laundry, and she does not like or want that, it's this way because she wants it this way and is not shy about shoving it down my throat when I'm not telling her don't do anything. Our agreement when I came here was you do your thing and go your way, and I'll do/go mine, she broke that day one and all I say is do what you did before I came here and give me space and privacy. She's bored, and has to discuss everything which means 30 runs into my room on a bad day and 20 on a good day. I pay my share of bills 50/50 she goes on her own for groceries and dinner is a HUGE deal for her like the Waltons family dinner, I fought to take my dinner into my room so I could eat in peace and she still runs in 2-3 times, how to eat, chew, bring dishes out in minutes because she has water running to steralize dishes on her schedule as quickly as possible. Then I need to know about chicken bones, down to being the best apartment tenants in history and to take things down to the apartment basement for disposal when I just want to eat in peace instead of my stomach in knots.

It's 20 degrees out and she does weather updates like it's life and death, I can't go out 12 hours a day in a pandemic with nothing opened. I went to the doctor in september, had to go fill his paper RX, stayed for it to be filled, got flu shot, then got a haircut, was gone a good three plus hours, I came back she was out of her head, where were you, called doctor. In summer she thought I was running away almost daily in shorts and a fanny pack.
(0)
Report
Your mother is yelling at you, doing her level best to control everything you do, including being allowed to open and close windows. Would it be worse if you simply did the sensible things? Take the tape off the windows, put the Jesus pictures and photos in one neat pile, turn off the running tap, fit a bolt on your bedroom door? Act like you are a 58 year old man, not a child of 12? You aren’t obliged to do what you are told. Change the rules!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
wm1234 Dec 2020
She just walked in my room, told me wear boots tomorrow, and when I said I may wear my sneakers because boots are new and bruised my heel said I can't believe how stupid I am (sent her images of cleared street crossings with no snow ) and said my sneakers I bought because she hates laces are slippers and will be filled with water and it will ruin her rugs, when I told her I step out at door and always leave shoes there (she points them toward in or out daily and complains I don't pull out backs which sag) got annoyed and stormed off. I fight her on everything and she complained why don't I just do what she says. There is no tape on the windows now I won that fight to open the windows when I got here but now that it's cold and the pre WWII steam comes out at max heat and I open the windows, she goes bananas because room gets too cold at night when I'm sleeping for 11-12 hours due to exhaustion from stress or if windows are closed I'm soaked from sweat and dizzy going out of a steam bath into her wind chill reports with it implied don't go out, it's freezing as she'll follow me to elevator watching my every move to sound shoes make to if my pants are dragging or I'm leaning on contaminated walls or doors. Even suggesting she move things or get rid of them when I got here she would go berserk, she saving things for salvation army tax write-off donations and takes three copies of everything so we have paper piled mile high. And now she demanded I watch the news so I learn as depressing story after depressing story or christmas stories run which makes her happy as she lives on news or hallmark channel and I sit home disabled and single with more to be miserable about.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
You were on your own before, she was on her own before. If she can care for you she can car fore herself.

You need to move, its not working. There are HUD vouchers. HUD subsidized apts. They only charge 30% of your income for rent. Depending on ur disability maybe you can get a p/t job. SS disability allows u to make so much a year. Was 14k but I think that has gone up. Social Services maybe able to help. Office of Aging too. You have been on your own too long. Hard to live with someone who won't give you privacy.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
My oldest brother lived in a senior apartment complex.

There is usually a waiting list for them. His was age 50 and up.

It was a percentage of rent.

They even had church service at the apartment for them. Bingo too.

Free care boxes of non perishable food. It was a one bedroom and plenty big enough for him.

They had shuttle buses to the pharmacy and grocery too.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Move out!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Move out. I can't think of any other reason besides extreme desperation and approaching homelessness that would have made you move into a situation like you've got.
If you can get out, for God's sake and your own - Get Out!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It's your Mom's house (or apartment) so she can do whatever she wants to. It was your choice to move in with her so either you learn to live with her peacefully (take the other member's suggestions) or move out.

There are plenty of places to help you move out and also help you with food and other necessities.

Your Mom will never change and you need to ACCEPT that or live in chaos. You can NOT change anyone but yourself. You will always be a child to your Mom no matter how old you are. My older brother lived with my Mom until his late 60's after he got divorced. He ignored my Mom (even though she was really nice to him and did a lot for him). She didn't even ask for rent.

If I were in your shoes I would have never moved in with a woman like that in the first place, I would have gone to a shelter. I would rather be in control of my own life then live with someone that would drive me crazy.

I wish you the best,
Jenna
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Your post kind of drove me crazy.

In a way, you are so entwined with this mentally ill mother you don't seem to be able to think independently. I'm really, really sorry for that.

You are hanging on b/c in what, 20 years or so you MIGHT inherit a rent controlled, hoarded out apartment in NYC?

This makes no sense to me, at all.

And BTW, taking a walk for 30-45 minutes doesn't mean you are like a homeless person. It means you are taking a walk.

Sounds like you just want to vent, and that's OK, we all do sometimes. It's when great advice is given and you shoot it down---people will stop responding and trying to help you.

You have siblings? Go to THEM for help. You will not live long in a toxic and filthy environment.

If you choose to simply complain, have at it. We do care, we think about things before we post them. You've been given a TON of support and advice, but you shot everything down.

Your MOM isn't the problem--you have bought into all her crazy. You need to get some help to stand up and be a man.

Sorry if I sound mean--I do feel for you.

Being alone with just a few belongings would be ever so preferable to what you are experiencing now. I do wish you calm and a peaceful mind to think this through.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Walk a few blocks, every day. As if your life depended upon it. If it is too cold, walk to the trash dumpsters and empty the trash e v e r y d a y . Dress warm, and wear your boots, so your Mother does not need to tell you.

Ask your sibling to help you apply for subsidized housing, supportive housing, senior housing.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
wm1234 Dec 2020
She had to go to Sloan Kettering for her yearly breast exam on Wed, she was gone by 7am but I get furious with her gone living like this so yes I go into the street like a bum to walk for survival for 20-30 minutes twice a day, today I went nowhere and she marched in undected at 9:50 am saying she watched me for five minutes and aced all her test, then started in telling me every detail how she got from door to door and if I went out. I was too tired with her gone, ordered BK delivers threw down trash before she discovered because she goes through my food while eating and hovers over me complaining non-stop. She came back early and I'm disgusted I could not wake up the second she was gone for more freedom now I'm anxious and angry.
(0)
Report
You will NOT get the rent stabilized apartment in NYC. Your name is not on the lease. The landlord will turn that apartment over faster than a short order cook flipping flapjacks. What your mother wants and what's going to happen when she dies are two very different things.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
wm1234 Dec 2020
Beyond driving me insane it's the #1 thing in her life, getting me this apartment. I never changed my address over 26 years elsewhere, all documentation is here, this landlord is cashing my signed checks, the super sees me daily on camera. I have a papertrail a mile long. I paid my ex landlord in cash since 2000 put cable in his name.
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter