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After struggling with the decision, we moved my mom, who has an Alzheimer's diagnosis, to Memory Care on Wednesday -- at the virtual insistence of the administrators in her senior-living building and on advice of medical pros. It went fairly well, but then that night and the next morning she was very confused and thought she was in a hotel out of town. By last night and this morning she realized she was in an apartment on a locked floor. I will say this: the two-room suite she has is truly lovely and large, with big windows and a great view. The unit itself is the best in the area, we are told. But it is still a secured ward, and she is enraged about that. She is now calling and accusing us of taking all her money and "incarcerating" her. Of course she does not remember any of the conversations we had about the move, at which time she seemed willing to give it a try.


This is very hard to take, especially since the outrage about being on a locked floor is totally human and understandable. I expected some upset, but now I wonder if my mother will spend the rest of her years hating me and distrusting me as she does today. I am an only child. There is a part of me that is tempted to say okay, forget the whole thing, and move her back to her old place rather than accept the destruction of our relationship for the remainder of her life. It is hard not to doubt a decision that is causing so much anguish. Can others say whether the anger and distrust wear off, or is this just pain we all have to live with now so she can be physically safe?

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My LO narrowly escaped being put in an actual memory care unit and was able to get by on a nursing home floor with an ankle bracelet (aka "Wander Guard"). Confusion, hallucinations, and mobility problems were the primary reasons for placing her - I had been her caregiver at home and I quickly found that she either could not or would not do what she needed to do in order to remain home. She moved from rehab (her 2nd rehab stint within a year) to a regular nursing home room in the same building. I had it pretty easy at first because she was SO confused that I could tell her anything that would calm her down and she was OK with what I told her. I just told her her insurance company required the room change (kind of true since she had been discharged from rehab).

However, after she had been there a while and received excellent care/maintenance.... she started to clear up mentally (to a point) and she started to figure things out. She graduated from the ankle bracelet and was on her best behavior with the staff. That's when the angry calls started: "You BETTER get me out of here" she would yell - even though being in a facility she looked and sounded better than she had in months. "They feed me the same food every day" - not true. "All of my clothes are missing" - also not true. "I haven't had therapy in WEEKS." and things like that. We consistently reinforced with the staff that WE were happy with the care - even if the patient/resident is not. We consistently reminded the staff that we are not moving the lady out - even if she claims to be leaving!! I believe the staff helped reinforce with her that she really needed to stay and cannot live alone anymore. We attended the care conferences and discussed many times how important it is for LO to acclimate and be as content as possible. I think it helped. We don't get the angry demands to go pick her up anymore, but we do still get the complaints - although a little more watered down and not as severe. Now it's things like "I can't find my _______." or "They should be walking me more" and not as much hostility coming our way. She does tell us that the staff "do nothing" for her and she does everything herself. I know that isn't true, but it's hard not to doubt myself that she's in the right place if she is claiming to do everything herself. She says she hasn't seen a doctor in months - even though her in-house general doc is one of the best and most attentive they have. Her physical safety is paramount and I do think she's had some relief on bad weather days when she realizes she doesn't have to go anywhere! Please give this more time and do involve the staff - they will have suggestions.
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Imho, under no circumstances should you move her back to her former place. You made a correct decision about placing her in the Memory Care as her dementia will only worsen.
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The anger and trust will never go away until she totally forgets from dementia.

You should have recorded your mom agreeing to the move.

Maybe you made the move too fast.

Was she a real endangerment to herself? Or moving her made you feel better?
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lealonnie1 Jul 2021
This is another terrible guilt-inducing comment after the OP specifically states, "we moved my mom, who has an Alzheimer's diagnosis, to Memory Care on Wednesday -- at the virtual insistence of the administrators in her senior-living building and on advice of medical pros."

Furthermore, you have no idea that the anger & trust issues will go away when she totally forgets from dementia! Are you her doctor?

'Recording the mom agreeing to the move' is useless b/c those with dementia won't understand the recording anyway!

Your comments are mind blowing, 'bevthegreat.' You should apologize to the OP for such a terrible comment!
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Yes. My mom went I to memory care in November of 2019. She so needed the extra care. She was angry for a while then was ok. Then covid hit. Didn’t understand why in couldn’t come inside. Even when I was able to take her out or visit she didn’t want to see me. Would scream or yell and tell me to leave. Sadly the disease has progressed and she is loving and happy to see me now. I was told this would happen. Hang in there. I would bring my mom treats. That would make her happy.
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As the sole caregiver for my mother, I tried everything. For the 1st 2 yrs she lived with me but got tired of being out on acreage & wanted to be back in town. She agreed to go to a nursing home to be there. But for 2 months, she called me over 70x a day. So I made a change. Her house was up for sale & we bought it back. Put all her belongings where they had been & hired 24/7 home health aides. That worked for the next 5 yrs. She became incontinent as her dementia advanced & her health aide had a serious family issue & needed to quit. So mom came to live with me. She’s been with me over 2 yrs now & is at her happiest. It takes sacrifices & adjustments to do what is right by a loved one. But besides that, I learned there are constant changes required to accommodate her needs including how & where she lives, what medications need altered or changed, different foods that meet her needs (less or more fiber, ensure drink mixtures to help gain calories), etc etc. There wasn’t ever just one permanent solution, it is ever changing & I always put her first. I would want the same done for me when I am at my most helpless. I hope that helps. It takes a lot of empathy thinking about how you would feel in their shoes & a lot of care. When she passes I will know I did good by her, my conscience will be free of guilt & I’ll know she lived contentedly & with peace. That is a challenge in itself with this disease! Good luck :)
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Squid62 Jul 2021
This is so interesting- and I do have a question about the in-home aides. We looked into that option, but the agencies in our area charge around $30/hour and 24/7 care was quoted at well over $200,000 a year. Did you go through an agency to hire the aides or did you hire a person directly, and at what salary, if you don’t mind sharing that? Thanks!
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Squid62..First off, I am sorry to hear you, and your Mom, are going through this..We try to do the best we can for our parents, even if they don’t realize it..
Moved my Mom to MC, from rehab..She too, thought she was in a hotel & “mapped out” where my husband/I & granddaughters could sleep.🙂 Over the months, she accused me of institutionalizing her, complained about the food, etc..So hard to hear..Her comments did ebb & tide for about 6 months..During lucid moments, she liked the Drs, nurses, OT, PT coming to her, instead of getting in/out of a car(wheelchair bound)..

I hope this helps, even though it’s hard..You are not alone..🤗🙏🏻 to you & Mom
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This is where the rubber meets the road….we do what is appropriate for their next level of care regardless of how much they hate it, hate us etc. yes, this is not abnormal behavior. It’s a loss for her and grieving sets in, denial, anger all those things. Sometimes they get over it and sometimes they don’t. So it’s hard to say for sure. But steel yourself for several months of this. My dad was very angry and accusatory. And yes, it is hard to take, but there was no other way. It’s difficult to see them unhappy when you know it’s in their best interests and even harder to take the brunt of it. But stay strong and resolute. Life doesn’t guarantee that we get our way all the time or that we will be happy (applying this to her not you). Also, understand that you can’t reason with her. Just listen, knowledge and redirect. And don’t answer the phone if you’ve had enough.
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It never wore off for my mother!!! She is very angry but that was always a part of her personality. I know I am doing the right thing to keep my mother safe and insure she has the care she needs. My mother doesn’t understand she has dementia or needs help with bathing, dressing, toileting, eating and taking medication. It’s not easy to be in our position, but the reality is that your mom needs 24 hour care to keep her safe.
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its a new environment and she is confused due to the alz'. give her a couple weeks and she might settle down. You can just not answer the phone and let it go to the answering machine and just delete if you don't want to hear it. IF there is a problem, the MC place will call you. Give it time. maybe a small anxiety pill might help also. were you told not to visit for awhile? sometimes it takes a couple weeks, but you also could let her know that the other place (her old place) is either being torn down or renovated and this is a temporary solution. just keep telling her that and eventually she will forget. wishing you luck.
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My mother in law went into a geri-psych unit for about 2 weeks. She said horrible things to my husband and I while she was there. It was a pretty depressing place but they needed time to tweak her meds. We thought she'd never forgive us. She did. Her dementia got worse and she forgot about ever having been there. It is hard now but won't always be like this. Hugs.
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Lucilleball Jul 2021
Hi - I picked up on your post as my mom may have to go to a Geri-physc ward as well if we can’t get her aggressiveness under control. Can you tell me more about these places
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Follow your heart. You know the truth in your heart and be strong. Your doing what’s best for mom just as she did for you when you were a small child.
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Your mother doesn’t hate you, she just hates the way she is. They become like children and have fits. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn’t cause her medical problems and nothing you can do will fix her. It sounds like a great place so quit feeling guilty. If anything happens the place will let you know so if you don’t hear from her, nothing is wrong . The place my MIL would let us know even if she got a little bruise. My MIL was in a home for 8 years so don’t destroy yourself.
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Alz/dementia or not, they're aware enough to lie to us and to play the guilt card HARD. For example, my mother who has moderately advanced dementia told my cousin she hurt her knee & leg when she fell last night (her 75th fall by the way) in her Memory Care ALF. When I spoke to her, she said she was fine and told my cousin a 'bit fat lie' b/c she felt like it. She wants others to feel sorry for her, plain and simple. She tells me how miserable she is and when I speak to the staff at the MC, they tell me she's yucking it up with the others in the activity room. This is typical behavior for lots of residents...........they save their WORST behavior for US (I'm an only child too) and their best behavior for the staff.

Stop paying attention to what your mother is telling you and focus on the reality of the situation instead. She's got Alz, she's been moved into a beautiful apartment in a great Memory Care ALF with top notch amenities where she's safe and sound. Period. Before long, she's likely to start confabulating wild stories ANYWAY about what a bad guy you are and all sorts of nonsense, so who cares if there is a 'destruction of the relationship' going on? It will happen one way or another b/c the disease is in charge now! She will accuse you of stealing, lying, whatever.........all lies that paint you to be a monster. If she's safe and sound, THAT is what counts, nothing else. The disease has robbed her of all rational thought and the mother that once was is no more. Your only job is to ensure her safety.

I know how hard all of this is, I have been going through it for the past 2 years my mother has been steadily declining in Memory Care, and the 3 years beforehand she was diagnosed with progressive dementia. It's all bad, all ugly, with only short glimpses of happiness thrown in once in a while. All I really care about at this point is that she's safe and secure; all the rest is just the dementia gibberish she is spouting off on a daily basis.

I recommend you take a break from speaking/seeing your mother to let her settle in. Then, go into the MC without her knowledge and lay eyes on her........see what she's doing, how she's acting, who she's engaging with. See for yourself that she's fine and then you'll know for a fact she's just laying it on nice and thick for your benefit when she's crying and carrying on later.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2021
Another posting that I would like to vote helpful 900 more times!

As others have noted, when we aren't around to be a reminder of days gone by, so often they are enjoying time with others, with activities, etc.

I would also recommend staying away for at least a week, perhaps even 2. If at all possible, try to "sneak" in and observe - be that proverbial fly on the wall, so you can see for yourself how she's doing. The staff is reporting her doing well, but you are not totally convinced. Seeing for yourself may give you some solace.

While there are exceptions, likely more dependent on the type of dementia, most residents do "settle in" and participate in activities, even if it's just coffee klatching with the other ladies. Then when we show up, it jogs memory of the before times and gets them wound up - sometimes.

When you do begin visits, bring little gifts to distract her, a bouquet of flowers, some sweet or treat she really likes, a book or magazine, something to "dress up" her room. Anything to take her focus off "home." (NOTE: home over time may become a previous place she's lived in. Nine months after moving my mother to MC, she was focused on her mother, gone 40+ years, and the house she/we lived in prior to her condo, which would have been then too.)

You've done the best for her. You didn't do this to hurt her or lock her away, but rather to ensure she's safe and well cared for. It also allows you to resume your role as loving child rather than grouchy nurse! Staff has reported she's doing well, socializing and eating. While it's hard to listen to her rant and accuse, take solace in the fact that she IS doing well.
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Your question is “will it wear off?” The answer is yes.

hang in there! This is for your mental health too.

watch videos from Tippa Snow and Jolene Brackey. Just look them up in You Tube. It will assure you, you’re doing the right thing. Jolene specifically mentions they always ask to go home, and then don’t recognize home. Or she suggests a few things to do, so they think they are home. It can go either way w this disease. My mom, after being in a MC facility, asked me where she used to live. Could not remember and she lived there 50+ yrs.

good luck. 🙏🏽🙏🏽
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You are seeing her frustration and outbursts regarding something she can not comprehend and does not remember conversations about. She is upset since it is not her usual routine, Once she settles in, it should get better.
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Only child here also...we are going on month 3 of AL for my Mom who has vascular dementia. At the request of the facility RN, we did start some meds in month 2, when she still hadn't settled down. She was pacing endlessly, and it was hard on her hip replacement, and her ankle swelled up really badly. The facility also sends me pictures of Mom interacting with others, and smiling, and playing bingo. But when I visit or talk to her, the only conversation we can have is 'when are you going to take me home?" "this is NOT living" "I'm soooooo miserable here". I have tried visiting more often...that just made it worse. Right now I am only visiting once per week and calling every other day. I think she will always complain to me, but the reality is when she talks to other people, she's mostly happy. I just try to remember that her brain does not function correctly, she's not the mother I once knew, sadly. Dementia is the weirdest disease, she knows how old she is, (82) tells me she thinks I am around 40 (thanks Mom! I'm 57) but still will insist that I am the oldest and she's been "following in my footsteps" all her life....??? I think she gets me confused with her older sister. Take it easy on yourself. If you trust the facility and believe she's in a good place, take comfort in the fact that they know better than you how to deal with this disease. Maybe in a couple of months, we will both have a happier story to tell! Hope your Mom and my Mom both settle in and can enjoy (to whatever level) the rest of their lives....((hugs))
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Squid62 Jul 2021
Thanks so much. I am amazed to read how many people have experiences of relatives in MC apparently doing fine except when the son or daughter calls.
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I had to focus on the move being for my dad’s safety, the safety of others and my mental health. I had to remind myself that “caring” for him meant providing him with “safer” environment where he was kept clean, received excellent meals, was medically and emotionally monitored.
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It's just plain hard to see your loved one go through this. It's hard for me to hear your anguish, and I'm pretty sure anyone on this forum can relate to it.
Keep busy. You did the right thing and do not move her back to her old place.
Your relationship is not destroyed. The relationship you had was with your mother whose brain functioned properly. If you think about Alzheimer's as brain damage, then you can understand better what you are dealing with. That brain damage wreaks havoc with communication, understanding and so on.

Also it goes back and forth, from moments of lucidity to moments of unknowing. She didn't know where she was, as you mentioned. People with working brains know where they are.
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Your mom has Alzheimer's. Her brain is broken and can't think and reason like it used to. Of course you already know this.
She doesn't hate or distrust you. The disease does.
You did the right thing moving her into AL for her own safety, and if she has moments of lucidity, in those moments she knows you did too. Sometimes the right thing isn't the one that makes everyone happy. Don't beat yourself up over it because it's beyond your control.
When she calls and starts accusing you of having her incarcerated and stealing her money, just keep telling her it's not true. Don't take all of her calls either. Let some of them go to voicemail. Cut a call short if you need to. Take care of your own mental health because it's important. If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to do anything for your mom.
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I remember a lady who moved into my mother's MC about five months before the pandemic. She was absolutely distraught at being put in a "lock down," and as she'd been a nurse, she knew exactly what was going on. I remember finding her weeping in the outside courtyard and comforting her as she said furiously that she was going to "BOP" her daughter and son-in-law for doing that to her. She didn't seem to have any memory issues at all, but the hairdresser who came into the place told me she knew her from her old assisted living facility and said she most definitely had Alzheimer's.

A week later she was ruling the roost, bossing everyone around, and the head of the high-functioning ladies clique. She was happy as a clam and having a great time, because the staff wouldn't let her isolate herself in her room and feel sorry for herself. Make sure the staff at your mom's place does the same.

It turned out that the move was a good thing for that lady, too. I saw her again once I was allowed back into Mom's place, and she's now wheelchair-bound and pretty far gone with Alzheimer's. She's gone downhill very quickly, which is what her daughter had expected from her history.
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My Mom has been in MC since December of 2020.

When she first entered, she was angry and confused.

She is still angry and confused. BUT, the activities director sends me pics of Mom smiling.

Mom tells me that those pics are staged, but, at least I know that she is safe and sometimes, as those pictures show, engaged in activities.
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Squid62 Jul 2021
That is so fascinating. The staff at my mom's place also report that she is chatting away to others at lunch, taking part in exercise class, doing puzzles -- and then I get the angry phone calls from her saying there is no one to talk to and nothing to do. I can't tell if she has forgotten what she did earlier or if she is deliberately misrepresenting the situation.
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She has dementia. She needs to be protected. Her emotional reactions to those who are lovingly caring for her are not authentic or rational.

You are the rational, responsible individual who has assumed that position out of your love and concern for her welfare.

She doesn’t remember conversations that included her in the decision regarding her move because her brain is damaged by a vicious illness. You must use your compassion and understanding to accept the fact that she is not saying what relates to her reality but what relates to her fear.

Many MCs request that family-in-charge stay away for a few days, until those in charge of her care can see how she relates to them and to her new environment. It’s probably a good idea to ask them now, if nothing has been said to you, how and when they want you to resume contact, and whether or not they think you should or should not answer the phone calls.

It does go away, when the new faces become more familiar, but the actual time frame is a little different for everybody. My LO was pretty tough, and the MCU approved psychiatrist was a major help.

Your description of the pain of keeping her physically safe is so apt, and so true, and there are NO good ways of dealing with her discomfort. You will need to remind yourself many MANY TIMES that the hostile anger isn’t really aimed at you, no matter how focused it may seem.

In time you will that if love is present in each difficult decision you make on her behalf, you’ll never go wrong.
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Squid, she will get over it.
But buckle up buttercup, as it will take a while. Usually a facility will encourage you NOT to go an visit them for a short initial period of time. Maybe week / 10 days so they can acclimate and get on whatever medication management so that they are all even. Let it play out. Don’t let her guiltify you. If she has always been unhappy, she will stay that way too. Enjoy your 4th and next week.

here’s my moms story, moved my 90’s mom from her beloved yard & home to an IL in a tiered facility (went from IL to AL to NH w a hospice wing). We had looked at several and she did couple of “play dates” at it prior. All agreeable. Day of move she is wringing her hands, crying, walking in circles in her bedroom, saying you can’t force me, yada yada as the movers are in the room shrink wrapping her furniture. Loads of drama. I had to go outside where the van driver is taking a smoke break. He asks hows it going & very matter of fact he tells me, just make sure she doesn’t throw herself on the truck lift. Anyways van gets quickly loaded. We go over to to IL, furniture & art gets placed. I had outfitted bath & kitchenette in advance; a resident gets mom to go w her an activity. She comes back, she is pissy too, I leave. Admissions heavily suggested wait a week to visit for IL (2 weeks for AL & NH). So instead I called ea morning to see how the nite went and to make sure she placed her door hanger outside (this is how this place made sure all ok, as had to put hanger on hallway door by 8:30 AM). All seems good first few days, but she is still pissy. Then 1 morning I called no answer, waited a bit & did again, still no answer, then again, I go into OCD mode, get dressed and about to run over imagining the worst, call one last time & she answers the phone. Me: You ok? Mom: “yes” (terse), me: you sound out of breathe, feeling ok? Mom: “yes I told you that, I heard the phone from the hallway and had to rush back to answer, I need to go, the van is coming, we’re going to Steinmart”. She hangs up on me.
Hangs up. Yeah, IL is different than locked ward MC, but they do adapt. Let her vent, wait it out, then visit as if nothing has happened.
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It is very hard to take, and it was a very hard decision, and nobody lightly restricts their loved one's liberty.

She was willing to give it a try, though; so you can at least hold her to that (silently, I mean - don't bother saying so to her!). Agree with yourself that you will see where you are in six weeks' time, don't change anything until then.

What are the staff in the memory care unit doing to develop a relationship with her?
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Squid62 Jul 2021
The staff actually have been great. We are getting more than one email every day reporting what Mom has been doing, who she has eaten meals with, which staff she has spent time chatting with. They definitely make an effort to seat her in the dining room with compatible people. The director of the unit, a lovely lady whom Mom really seems to like, has visited with Mom a few times. And they let her take her Shih Tzu with her everywhere, and play with everyone. I honestly couldn’t be happier with the level of care from the staff, based on our interactions with them.
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IN this place she should be examined by a psych doc who can prescribe some meds to calm her and perhaps even help her, mentally. She could get much better and easier to deal with.

Or, she may just stay the way she is. You prepare yourself for either and hope for the best.

And, nobody is making you answer the phone, right? Just that nasty old guilt. Only talk to her when YOU call HER. If she's calling you, she's probably amped up about something and you don't need to carry her anger around.

It IS most important that she be safe, and it sounds like she needs to be where she is. I'm sorry for what is obviously causing you pain---but it's what's best.

Time is the great healer. Give yourself a few MONTHS and see how she does.
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Rabanette Jul 2021
I was going to mention the same, re: psychiatrist and medication. If the anger and abusive language seem to be part of a mental health issue, then they may need to address that at the facility.
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