Anyone else feel sad when there really is no one to remember their birthday? It’s almost as if they aren’t supposed to matter any more? My husband remembered because I put it on his calendar every year. No children, no family close by, no friends. 65 in my mind is an important milestone in a life. I bought myself flowers, a balloon and decorated the table. But it feels so pathetic. I came here because for years this forum has always been helpful and supportive. If this happens to you, how do you handle and stop feeling sorry for yourself? ( P.S. I have no friends for deeply engrained psychological reasons stemming from traumatic childhood. Decades of therapy, major behavioral changes, medications, has not yet completely changed this and it may never change). Thank you for being there ❤️
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear M209
Happy Birthday to you!
Can I make a suggestion? Do you have a Facebook account? Announce to all that it's your birthday and you'll get so many birthday wishes!!!
I put it on my calendar when my relative or close friends have their birthdays and I email a birthday wish to them (cc'ing others close to them) on their birthday. I know how special it must feel to get a birthday greeting/wish from family/friends.
I think you may be making the same mistake my mother did. She would never say exactly what she wanted, leaving it a guessing game for everyone else to try to figure out what would please her. Needless to say, she was disappointed more often than not. Do not hope that others will guess what you want. Say exactly what you would like. That gives you the best hope of getting it. Don't make others guess. I have one sister whose birthday is 15 days from mine. For the last 6 years we have taken each other out for a drink for our birthdays. Sometime before our birthdays one of us calls the other and we make arrangements. I buy her a drink and she buys me one. That makes us both happy. Some years I want a party and I plan it and invite people, giving enough notice that they can put it on their schedules. Other years I am tired and don't want the fuss and I let people know that I am not getting any older this year.
You might want to discuss with your therapist(s) what little thing you might do in the way of volunteer work to get you among a few people in a way that is not threatening. I do understand the pain of surviving childhood abuse. You never get "over" it but sometimes you can get around it. You need to find a way to move your only focus off of your own problems. At one point in my life I volunteered to do back-room filing for a school library. I had very little contact with people but it helped me feel useful and put me in a formal context where I met a few people who were always glad to see me. If this kind of thing is beyond you, join an online game where you can meet people virtually under a pseudonym. Games like Runescape allow you to make friends in a fantasy world where you control what you look like and what kinds of activities you do. It is about as non-threatening as it gets. I play with a group of people that includes adults from several countries. I also belong to several online gardening clubs where we share photos of our gardening triumphs and woes. This is another way you can get outside yourself and meet others in a very non-challenging way. The only way that you can get your focus off yourself and your woes is to put more focus on other people and their issues. However small these efforts might be, you do need to make that effort. Nobody else can do it for you. Good luck. I think that you can do this. You have managed to express yourself here, so I am sure that you can do it in other places online where others can respond to your ideas and become your online friends.
From there on in, I have been determined to be away from home in some form for my birthday each year. Sometimes it's a big trip and sometimes it's just a routine "being out of town".
Make your birthday special for yourself each year.
We live kind of isolated in a new state & my Mom and I both have very quiet birthdays, but it's okay because we always make sure we have a nice treat to celebrate. A little cake or cupcakes.
* Always meet new people in a public place.
* If a shared activity through an organization, learn what that is and go directly.
An older woman needs to be very careful.
I realize your post is well intentioned. I'd say Go to a Zen Center !
* If you feel so strongly aging, what does it matter if celebrating YOU in January instead of December ? The winter time is celebrating LIGHT and GOOD WILL (or it used to...) and the SPIRIT of Santa and Mrs. Clause. You can merge these qualities for you and the broader holiday, if you want to. Although the issue is much much deeper. You do not want to be old or get older. I'd surely like to go back to age 17 when I made the biggest mistake of my life - or it could have been. I will never know. We can only heal from this moment forward - what else can we do. We can continue to feel sad, miserable, focus on the 'what ifs' or be present in the moment, feeling and focusing on the good - seeing a bird, hearing it chirp, watching a plant grow, or a flower opening, feeling the love of an animal looking at you (that loves you). . . and on and on.
* I believe this country / our society doesn't respect women as we age. Certainly this feeling / sense is not attached to men. This is another post - if not several posts . . .
* I hope that you are able to re-frame your birthday - winter time holiday convergence. There are reasons you will never know why you were born on the day / month / time you were. There are reasons beyond our human understanding - for most of us. God willing, you will have another opportunity to re-set / shift how you feel for next year !
While it may not be an ego 'thing,' consider this - I so appreciate you for the work and mindset you have to do this important work. It is so heartfelt. No wonder you get cards from people all over the world. I'd send you a card, too. Allowing the 'clock of time' to get in the way of you truly appreciating yourself as you age feels sad to me.
Thank you again for all you did / do for animals who need our voice and action to protect them.
Gena / Touch Matters
We all like to think a birthday is more than just a statistic.
I think, for you, this birthday serves only to accentuate your present loneliness.
Celebrate by doing something you especially enjoy. And, if you feel like it, ask someone to join you (but don't make them feel embarrassed if they didn't know or remember your birthday). Congratulate yourself, if it was a tough year...you made it through! That's an accomplishment. Here's hoping the next year will give you more reason to rejoice.
P.S. I'm an introvert (for the sake of whoever mentioned that). You don't sound like YOU are...but there's nothing wrong with that. It usually means you think before you comment or commit yourself.
Treat yourself to something nice. Invite someone to enjoy it with you if you'd like (but don't make them feel guilty if they didn't know or forgot the birthday). Be thankful you've made it through another year...a lot of people didn't.
I have four cats and I take care of them. I have been job hunting and have given up on that and will probably apply for my benefits this month. I'm sorry that I don't have anything of substance or any magical words. I think for most, people are busy and are just trying to survive these last couple of years.
Happy Birthday! Make the best of your life!
* If me, I would have stopped at getting flowers to brighten your home. Adding more - feels to me - to be the part of you that is the trauma 'acting out,' as it emphasizes what you feel - alone, as you say " ... but it feels so pathetic."
* I used to give myself birthday parties (invite 10-20 people). No one else was going to do it. It was fun and a way to acknowledge myself and bring people together. We all need to find our own way -
* If you purchase flowers, you can acknowledge their beauty and vibrancy. (I love flowers.).
* The truth is, while the date on the calendar is a landmark acknowledging your birth, the process of healing / managing trauma is taking a day at a time. In other words, consider celebrating your 'birth' everyday by doing something nice for yourself to acknowledge "I matter" "I am healing moment by moment" - and come up with other affirmations to say to yourself.
* We all could develop a process like this, even without trauma.
Yes, you may 'never change' as you say although reinforcing this way of thinking won't support you to change - it will continue to close that door. Instead, see that door opening a crack one day and then a bit more the next day - (or) in whatever visualized image you see.
As a healing process, write down how this site and support has helped you over the years by:
1. Starting a journal.
write down our words that support you and then write how you can put these into action.
2. By writing down what you have learned it, it will reinforce it - and shift your 'poor me' feelings-mind set into one of hope through shifting your thoughts.
Know that people here in this site care - this is why we are here responding to others, as I am now taking the time to do. As you say you don't have any friends, you do have people here who care.
3. If you want a friend, be a friend. Start by perhaps saying 'hi' to a neighbor.
While I do not know the pattern YOU create and continue to result in 'no friends,' be aware of that pattern and how you can take small SMALL steps to interrupt it and change it. Some people with low-self esteem push themselves on others out of unawareness and feelling lonely, expecting another to 'make you feel better' from a dependant state of mind. People don't 'DO" anything to you, they support you TO CHANGE (see 3a here).
3a. Do not have any expectations of 'friends.' Be aware that friends - real friends - tell THEIR truth. You may not want to hear what they say although it may be in your best interest. You need to gauge. You want people in your life who possess integrity, are dependable and honest. Honor their 'self' - in how they take care of their self, i.e., saying "NO" when it suits them.
* A real friend will support you by suggestions, active reflective listening (not tell you what to do).
* If you cling - attach yourself to people, they will push back / go away. You might do this because you are lonely and need self-esteem boosting. Be mindful of your own behavior when interacting with someone new or someone you might want to befriend. A real friend will support you to be all you can be - on your own, not create a dependency relationship. A real friend will support you to learn to love yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
PS - As for the advice to turn to Facebook for friendship - I wouldn’t. IMO all of the “social media” platforms are a potential minefield of stranger danger situations- especially for someone who is socially isolated and therefore possibly vulnerable. FB is ok on a limited basis with people you know - but remember - it is not called FriendBook. On-line friendships are “virtual” and as real as the Easter Bunny🐰.
Personally, I look at it this way. It's YOUR Birthday, if you want to get yourself a gift, go for it. At least it will be something you want, be the right size, and you won't have to return it. There is nothing wrong with celebrating your own life. Happy Birthday to Youuuuu!
it should always be a celebration of you for you. Just enjoy and don’t look further.
My last birthday 'party' was in 1965. Family - it was just my mother - noone else and of course she always remembered it - but she tainted it because she wanted me to celebrate it as 'her' day because she is the one who had me. She didn't let me feel special - it was always about her. And with my lacking social skills, I never learned how to have 'friends' - even when I was younger. Even when I worked - I didn't 'connect' with co-workers. So, I stopped telling anyone when my birthday was - because that way, if they forgot I wouldn't be disappointed.
And being married doesn't make a difference, unless you have found that super special partner. Ex-husband forgot my birthday just about every year of 10 years. Even with my reminders! That felt even worse than not having anyone to celebrate with.
Over the years, I have celebrated my birthday my way. The entire day is for me - what I want to do, where I want to go, etc. I also start 'shopping' for my birthday gift months before so I can go buy it on my day. It has been a nice piece of jewelry, some new artwork, a 'expensive' handbag I was coveting....an item that when I see it, it reminds me that 'oh, i got that on my birthday!'I guess growing up the only child is a little easier for me to be alone most of the time.
On birthdays that have ended in 0 (20, 30, etc.) or 5 (25, 35) , I would book lessons for some activity that I have always wanted to learn how to do. Some activities I carried forward, some where a one time thing. As as result, I have learned how to do so much and experienced so much - scuba diving, sky diving, paragliding, motorcycling, horseback riding followed by equestrian dressage, martial arts (started at 60 and am still working my way to black belt), tap dancing, ballroom dancing, pole dancing (that one was at age 60!), play a guitar, pickleball, archery.
And I am also a rather open person, so on my birthday, when I am interacting with others, I don't hesitate to mention 'and today is my birthday'...inevitably, they will say 'Happy Birthday' - whether they mean it or not doesn't matter.
So, go out and celebrate and make that day special the way you know you can. Celebrate yourself - the person you are, the years on this Earth, all that you have experienced/gone through. Figure out those experiences you want to have - and then go for it!
I have also stopped telling when my birthday is, because it just raised my expectations that a card might arrive in the mail. Now, when an especially satisfying day happens within a week of my birthday, I tell myself that was my b-day! Thanks for your sharing your ideas...I will be adding the special activity plan to my -0 years...tap dancing has been on my list for a long time and now it will be realized!!! Thank you Annabelle!
them. It’s even more important to keep your expectations reasonable.