My narcissistic elderly mother 83 is threatening to commit suicide if I don't go to see her ...she is in middle east and I am in UK and I go over every 4 months and stay for a month to see her but didn't manage 4 months ago due to getting Covid and my son not being well ...I am going in 2 weeks but she says I should go now ....my poor brother is with her so I know she is not alone. When I speak with assertiveness she hates it and givese SO much abuse on the phone ....I am beginning to dislike her because she seems to have NO empathy....I get so upset and feel very detached ...but also scared now in case she does try commit suicide just to get attention or maybe she is just tired of this life ....please someone talk to me ....what should I say or do ...what CAN I do ...I am 62 and not in good mental health myself and my anxiety is affecting my heart ....
(by the way, people who really mean it, normally don't talk about it. they plan, and go ahead and do it. and usually, they want to do it in such a way so as to cause minimal trouble for family/friends after).
people who threaten are trying to get something from the one they're threatening.
if i were you, i would calmly tell her, "i'm coming very soon. in 2 weeks. there are no other flights before that. i checked and it's all fully booked."
end of story.
your poor brother who has to deal with her all the time.
i think he needs a break desperately.
I would inform your brother that mom needs to be in-patient in a psych unit immediately.
Mom is 83 years old. No one who was ever serious about killing themselves lives to be that old. She does not need to be put into a mental hospital at her time of life and her kids should not threaten it.
What they should do is be united in refusing to be players in her manipulative games and stop tolerating her abusive behavior.
They should make her understand that her attention-seeking nonsense and abusive neediness will not be tolerated by her children. It will not get her what she wants which is to be the center of her childrens' lives and to control their lives.
I find this approach works pretty well with those senior brats. Either it puts the brakes on the abusive behavior, or the senior brat stops speaking to you. A win-win either way.
She is 83 and as she tells it miserable which may be the case but that doesn’t mean you or your brother are responsible for her happiness, that impossible. I can’t really put myself in your place as you have history I can’t relate to but I would like to think I would say to her something like this; “well that’s your choice Mom I can’t stop you and I am sorry for my brother that you aren’t happy with him until I arrive after all he is giving up to be with you but I know that if you choose to do that it won’t be my fault or his. We will be sad but if that’s what makes you happy we can take comfort in that. Hopefully I will see you in two weeks when I have my travel plans. I love you”
Make sure you and your brother know that you aren’t responsible should she do this. It sure sounds to me anyway that you are doing everything you can and probably more than you need to keep her safe and healthy, if that doesn’t make her happy enough to want to stay on this earth, that’s her choice not your responsibility. Frankly at 83 I think a person should have the rite to decide it’s time to pass but that’s a different subject. Good luck and hold strong.
Next time she threatens to kill herself, say.... well I was so looking forward to seeing you in 2 weeks, but if you'd rather die before I get there, I will honor that. Just let us know if you're wanting to be buried or cremated and where you want your final resting place to be.
That should shut her up and call her bluff. And if not, that's on her, not you and your brother.
When she starts with the verbal abuse over the phone, that's when you end the call. Her games will stop when everyone refuses to play them.
Tell her plainly that you're glad to make the long trip to visit, but it will be on your schedule, not hers. Also, make sure you have an alternative place to stay if you do visit. If she gets abusive, you end the visit and go.
Your mother is probably not completely devoid of human empathy. She just doesn't have any for you. I hope your brother fares better with her than you do. I'm sure she doesn't wish you any actual harm. She probably does have a lot of jealousy and resentment towards you because she is not the center or your life and doesn't control your life.
As for the threatening to commit suicide. Please. No one reaches the age of 83 years because they're serious about ending their life. My mother is 85 and has been pulling this attention-seeking, abusive crap to scare us kids into submission and to get the attention and pity from others that she endlessly craves since I was in kindergarten. I'm 50 now and she's still pulling it. My father used to tell her to go ahead and do the kids a favor. I tell her go ahead and don't make a mess because I ain't cleaning it up.
I lost two people that I loved so much to suicide. They said nothing. They gave no indication. There were no threats and they didn't have their swan song. They just went ahead and did it.
Believe me when I tell you, if your mother truly wanted to end her life it would not because you're not letting her be in control of your life. Tolerating her abuse and playing her games will not prevent her from killing herself if she's really intent on it. She isn't though.
So for your own sake, put her in her place and tell her to cut the crap or you will not visit her. Your brother should do the same.
At some point, with ALL OF THOSE who threaten to commit suicide, there is quite honestly little we can do but recommend they see their own doctors. Throwing ourselves upon the altar of their pain doesn't help them and may kill us. This may sound absolutely heartless, and I am sorry if it does, but not everything can be fixed.
I don´t mean to make light of a threat of suicide. But honestly I think you really need to consider your reality here. Is she really threatening to commit suicide? Or is she ramping up her tactics because everything else she tried to get you to come early didn´t work. Did she try other things first? Is she generally overly dramatic and goes from 0-1000 in the blink of an eye?
If this was someone who never complained, never voiced pain or fear and rarely laid guilt on you I could certainly see cause for concern. But is this normal behavior for her, only ramped up? Ramping up behaviors when what they normally do isn´t working is a typical narcissist tactic.
My narc FIL says at least once a conversation these days that we´d all be better off if he was dead. It is literally to elicit a response of us begging him not to say those things. He does not really want to die. Truth be told he is actually afraid of dying. But saying that used to get all of us all upset and jumping in to assure him that we did not want that and we all loved him. These days he has said it so many times that we just basically pretend like we didn´t hear him because he says it like he says ¨pass the salt¨ it is just part of his basic conversation.
You know your mother, you know if she is serious or not. You know if she is using this to manipulate your or if there is a genuine problem. But based on the fact that you started with ¨83 year old narcissistic mother...¨ I have a strong leaning one direction.
I was shocked the first time I heard 'you'd be better off If I was dead..' from my MIL. Now variations seem to pop up more frequently, I'll be gone soon, I probably won't be here, I won't see too many birthdays..
Fear of dying? Hmm.
But also, I don't know how I'll cope, Someone will have to move in with me, Maybe I'll just kill myself..
I also don't 'play along'.
My mom used this tactic on us kids ALL.OUR.LIVES.
All it did was make the 4 kids who are mellow and unfazed by life just ignore her. The 2 of us who were intrinsically anxious took it to heart and my whole dang LIFE until I was over 30 yo to finally realize she had no intention whatsoever or hurting herself.
I will never forget the feeling of being the first kid home from school and walking down the hall to her bedroom (the door was always locked) and standing at the door with my ear pressed up against listening for some sound that would let me know that, no, she hadn't killed herself today.
Rinse and repeat.
She died of natural causes last August, never having accepted mental health counseling of any kind.
If this is new behavior, I'd try to get to the bottom of it, but if it's the way she is..well, my heart aches for you. A kid of ANY age should not have to deal with a narc and their many issues.
I'd find a good therapist to work with through this. Nobody gets everything they want, and using this mean and frightening tactic is just cruel. At ANY age.
Yes, their talking about it should be addressed, and I finally got the courage to tell mom that if she wanted to do that--just to please not leave a mess. She never used suicide as a threat to me again. And BTW, I was 30 years old when I told her this.
You say you go see Mom every 4 months for a month. Thats more than we saw my MIL who was only 900 mi away. We averaged 1x a year when the girls were small and 2x a year when we were retired. She visited us an average of 1x a year. She would have loved to see us more but my DH felt she chose to move 16 hrs away from family, then he visited when he could.
Mom is not going to commit suicide. You need to firmly say "Mom, you are not going to commit suicide, ur being dramatic. My flight cannot be changed at this point, I will see u in 2 weeks." If she starts "Love you Mom, see u in two weeks, bye for now" and hang up. You have to get a Burntcargiver attitude. Love what her father told her mother. "to go ahead and do the kids a favor". You can tell your Mom that if she keeps this manipulation up, you won't come at all. Tell her that 62 years old, a Senior too, and her complaining and the plane trips with COVID and restrictions is just getting too much.
The people that deal well with this type of personality are those that can turn it back on the person. They let it roll off their back and kind of make a joke about what the other person said. And be firm.
You may want to see a therapist to help you learn ways to deal with Mom without having guilt. Really, giving up a job just to make Mom happy before you could even collect SS?
Really feel for you. Can't imagine having a parent like this. My MIL was passive-aggressive but her boys just kind of said "yes mom" and then did their own thing. May have been different if they had been girls.
I'd tell her what Funky recommended and then block her calls.
The question is, when do you put yourself First? You may die first at this rate, God forbid.
Then who is mother gonna manipulate?
Just go when you planned.
She has been seen by a specialist and we were told she doesn't suffer dementia but old age depression . She has never been very loving to me ... And I have recently realized that all my life I have tried to gain her love and affection and approval but the more I have tried the more she chipped away at my confidence and self believe. Nothing I have ever done ..NOTHING...has been good in her eyes...my husband، my kids, my job , my friends , even the clothes I wear , my hair etc....I have always been critised and ridiculed about EVERYTHING...my brother as well ...
I know I have allowed this to happen ....
Just need to find a way to stop the guilt .....
She is who she is.
You cannot fix the way your Mother is. The way she thinks, criticises, her worries or depression.
She thinks what she thinks.
This is the Mother you have.
Accepting all of us are flawed.
All of us are just going along, living, coping, sometimes not coping so well.
Your relationship with your Mother will not be perfect.
It will be good enough.
You haven’t done anything wrong to feel guilty about!
You certainly are correct in referring to your brother as “poor brother” since he is with her now. You know that he is getting an earful of her nonsense.
I am one to take suicide attempts seriously. I have had suicide in my family and a couple of my friends have sadly ended their lives. It’s an awful experience.
Yet, we all know that some people use suicide as a way to torture others. It’s a manipulative tactic that is cruel and absurd.
You have already told her when you will visit. You don’t have to repeat your answer. She is using your responses as ammunition to attack you. So, don’t participate in her arguments.
In fact, if you must keep in touch, only communicate with your brother. He doesn’t have to share your conversation with your mom. I wouldn’t place him in the middle. No one appreciates being in the middle of a conflict.
Don’t answer your phone. In situations like this, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. So don’t speak to her. What’s the point? Nothing will be accomplished by further phone calls except for the fact that it will cause more anxiety for you. It’s not worth it.
Don’t raise your blood pressure. Save yourself from getting a headache by trying to control a situation that you will never be able to control. Some people are impossible to please.
Take a deep breath. Do something enjoyable for yourself. You deserve it!
Are you telling me Mother, if I don't drop everything to come see you right now, you are threating to kill yourself?
What an awful thing to say. It makes me sad to hear you talk so violently. I think it is crazy talk & won't respond to it.
If you meant you missed me & wished I could come sooner, then please say so instead.
I will visit as soon as I can. Know that I will not change my visit time because of any crazy talk.
I told her why do you say this . Why do you want to upset me .
She just hung up on me ....
I know she doesn't miss me .
She is and has always been a very difficult person and not a very loving mother .
Counseling would help you sort out your priorities, set boundaries, and deal with the fear.
Your mum will pass one day. She is 83 and no one knows how many more days/months/years she has.
Is there an emergency service that can be called where she is next time she threatens suicide? She should be taken for a mental health examination by geriatric, psychiatric professionals. Neither you nor your brother can fix this! You can only fix yourselves.
Don't listen to abuse on the phone. Say you will talk to her later when she is feeling better and hang up. Work on improving your life no matter what she does.
You, your feelings and your health matter!
I have to get counseling because no matter what I do she is still in full control and in driving seat .
I have never felt loved or liked by her.
She ridicules me on EVERYTHING...my hair, clothes ,even my wrinkles, my kids , my house , job , everything ....
You, and I, and many others, have been conditioned to feel as if our mothers’ emotions are our responsibility. They are not.
What can you do? Little. Remember, you cannot control how she reacts to you. But you can control how you react to her.
Tell her that you will see her when you see her, and, should she decide to take her own life over having to wait while you mother your own son, thank her for having been your mother, and you will miss her.
She actually TOLD me tonight that I should leave my family ( my sons and husband ) and go and stay with her for months and if I didn't do that then I will suffer emotionally and be guilt ridden for the rest of my life .
You know I just can't understand how a mother can be so mean to her child.
I get overwhelmed when I have too much coming at me. I hate that feeling so I no longer do more than I know I am capable of doing. You are not capable of being what your MOM wants in a daughter. Your Mom is probably not really sure. I would be honest with Mom when she gets started. "Mom, I am sorry but I can't do this anymore. Your demands are not rational. And trying to be, and I am trying to be, the daughter you seem to need I am not capable of being. I think no daughter could be what you expect unless they sacrificed their whole life for you. There 24/7. Sorry, I am entitled to having my own family, friends and a job. If you want to be a part of my life, then u must stop thinking u should be the center of it. Your not, my family is #1. I am suffering from anxiety because you expect more than I can give you. My health is being effected. You have to stop the guilt trips. If you can't be just a loving mother, than my visits are going to be longer in between and shorter in how long I stay. If you can't do that for me, then I can no longer visit."
Really, I can't imagine spending 1 month with someone who has not one nice thing to say to me. And nothing I do is good enough. I may even tell that person, nice to be perfect. I go with one of the replies, stay in a motel. Then u can get away when u need to. Or at least, have an escape plan. And a month. Two weeks maybe one.
Make a list of some of the replies you liked. Then go to a quiet place and read them again. Maybe 2x. Then tell yourself it is not me, its Mom. Mom is the unreasonable one. She just wants what she wants without considering what you need to do to get her what she wants. For the last 22 yrs its not, you get your ticket, get to the airport, get on the plane. You have to go thru so much before u can get on that plane. And the cost. And its hard to change reservations once you have them, too. Just thinking about all this gives me anxiety. 😊
You know, even when a daughter does sacrifice their whole life to the miserable servitude of being a caregiver, or should I say care slave, to a needy narcissistic mother it really makes no difference.
I let my mother walk all over me for a long time even though she was negligent and abusive growing up. I wanted the impossible from her.
I wanted a mom who was proud of me. Who was supportive. Who wanted the best for me. Who would be happy for me when good things came my way. Who not only appoved of me, but loved me.
For a long time I thought I would get this by doing more and more for her.
This was asking the impossible from her though. A petty, jealous, shallow narcissist cannot deliver on any of it, let alone all of it. They are never satisfied by anything because they cannot be.
When I finally understood this, it set me free. I help her, but it's on my terms and within my boundaries that I've set.
If this is not good enough for her, she knows what the alternative it. The alternative is that I will not help her at all.
The OP needs to set her boundaries and the terms of what her relationship is going to be with her mother.
If mother cannot accept that, then she should tell her another saying my father was famous for.
Go pound sand.