I am 62-years-old. I live in Scotland, married with 2 grown up kids. I have been away from home since the age of 16 .
My 85-year-old mum lives in Middle East.
She is a very capable elderly be it she is very very anxious and depressed . Has always been.
I used to travel every 6 months for 2 weeks but I gave up my job 5 years ago so I can travel every 4 months to see her and I stay for a month.
She is the most narcissistic mother I imagine there is. I am now certain she not only doesn't like me, I don't think she has ever loved me. I am a very strong person and have come through a lot on my own and this finding doesn't hurt me but it does make me feel lonely. She says really horrible things about me to myself and to others.
My brother lives with her 95% of the time (his choice because he doesn't get on with his wife), but he goes to see his son and wife every 6 weeks for 2 weeks. My mum expects me to go there when he is away.
I have asked her neighbour who lives nextdoor to come see her and even stay. I will pay her and she is doing that dully.
It's now getting to the point where I don't really want to go and feel very unwelcomed by her when I do go (however I will still go every 4 months to give my brother some respite and to see her). In her eyes (and head) I haven't done anything for her and I have failed in my life.
I am getting used to these barrage of insults and bad mouthing but I still feel guilty if I am happy or having a good time with my kids .
I feel I am not entitled to happiness.
I have been on antidepressants for some time and have just managed to come off them because I realise it's my mum who sucks the life out of me.
I want to go on a holiday for a few days and I feel bad.
I feel bad whenever I feel happy with my family .
Was getting someone to go and see her a good idea?
Should I travel to see her or can I grant myself a few days away in the sun?
I feel very alienated towards her.
Now she doesn't speak to me and doesn't answer my calls . I call her a few times a day.
That’s what she wants. What do you want? Is it a democracy? Does she own you? Do you both own you? Who has ownership over you?? Can she decide what you want? She can intimidate you: has it gotten to the point that she owns you?
Point 2
I feel sorry for your brother. He’s doing a lot. I also feel sorry for you. I’m a man. Your mom treats you like that because you’re a girl. She’s jealous of you. She’ll never admit she’s jealous of you.
Don’t let a jealous person decide your life! I affirm your right to happiness. Read that again. And again.
Point 3
I’m not saying you should cut contact.
Keep in mind:
Some people are bad for your mental health. Period.
Believe me. As long as one has contact with that person, one’s mental health will never be OK. One will never be at peace, or truly happy.
Some people’s presence in your life, will never allow your mental health to be OK.
Sometimes you’re much better off without that person in your life, whether it’s family, a so-called friend, stranger…
What I mean is, she’ll always torture you, in the same way that so many mothers torture their daughters their entire lives.
"You need to seek therapy if your mother's unhappiness is affecting you in this way.
We are each responsible for our own happiness and can only control our OWN behavior.
Your mother's demand are UNREASONABLE. You don't raise up a child to be your servant; you raise them up to go out into the world and pave their way."
Your mother is a bully and mentally ill. Send her a nice card now and then. You did good getting a neighbor to check in.
Does the country you mention have social services for the elderly? Encourage your brother to contact them.
I was going to put down that I had posted before so I do apologise but I really need to talk to you all on this chat site to feel better.
Unfortunately there is no social services and if there was , she would be SO rude to them that they will leave. She has always been that way not due to age .
You are operating on FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.)
Ditch the FOG. Use your intelligent and logical mind to deal with your (so called) mother who truly doesn't deserve to be called a mother.
How would you act if she was an aunt, or a distant relative, or a stranger? Would that change your behavior? I certainly hope so.
The role of the child is to fly from the nest and make his own life, his own family, his own job, his own friends, his own home. You are accomplishing that nicely.
I feel bad for your brother, but you cannot make his choices for him. You will likely always carry feelings of guilt as that is WHAT SHE TAUGHT YOU. But protect yourself from her now. Her limitations have created a not very nice person. Wish her well but stay away from her. Explain to your brother that your heart goes out to him but you will be able to help probably only once a year or so.
I am so sorry. Some things cannot be fixed.
Being sent away at 16 wasn't my choice.
She has always made me feel bad about myself and made me feel guilty and always told me she was disappointed in me.
The pattern with your mom is going to remain the same. Your reaction to this pattern has to change.
Forget about trying to get her to change her behavior. Focus on yourself and what you can do differently.
Sometimes we focus so much on others that we completely forget about ourselves.
You deserve to be happy. Allow your mother to be miserable if that’s what she wants. You do not have the power to change her behavior.
A normal parent would react with gratitude.
It's not you.
Have a discussion with your brother first. Tell him you want to support him but increasing visits or even maintaining what you are doing now is going to end because you will no longer tolerate ill treatment from your mother. Stop staying an entire month, drop that to two weeks. When your mother insults you, do you fight back or just take it? Stop taking it and call her out on her bad behavior. Tell her if she is unhappy with your visit you can always go home. Will she listen to your brother if he says something to her? remember you owe her nothing. You are not required to visit at all. And it may come to that.
She was absolutely horrible to my dad . He died 15 years ago.
As for me, I take the bullets. I am incabable to answer her or walk away . I am emotionally terrified of my mum.
She makes me feel that life is not worth living.
I feel very very small.
Why am I like this ?
Thanks for reading and replying . Really appreciate it
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I am getting from this post that you are finally getting to the point u realize what you do for Mom is futile. You live too far away to be any help. Brother is just going to need to to whatever needs to be done. Offer him money to help but tell him there will be no visiting.
You should never have left your job. You played right into her hand. I think what you want is confirmation what you want to do is OK? I am one to tell you its OK. Parents are our world until about 3 when we start to break way. And even though our parents still oversee us, we become more and more independent. By adolescence we are trying to find out who we are. You left at 16 for a good reason and probably grew up fast. At that point, Mom no longer became the center of your world. You married, had children, they replace our parents. They become #1. Parents are secondary. With ur Mom, the less ur involved with her, the better you are. Be glad ur 4000mls away.
Go on that trip, you deserve it. You have raised a family and worked and deserve it. Get back into the workforce if u want to. Good excuse not to visit, no vacation time. And if u do have it, its for you to regroup and have some fun. Not spend 4 weeks with a cruel, miserable woman. I would take a year or two break. If then I visited, no more than a week, two at the most. And I may not stay with her. Need to be able to get away.
You may just have to be honest with her "Mom, I will not be visiting for a while. I just cannot take your negativity any longer. My visits are not nice or pleasant and never have been. I just cannot do it anymore. Please don't ask when I will be coming again, it may be never" You can call if you feel the need to, maybe once a week. If she gets started, tell her you are hanging up. Don't ever expect her to change even if she is being nice.
You have my permission to go on that vacation instead of visiting Mom.😊
I got out of a very abusive marriage and was a single mum for 15 years with no family or support and got a job and a home and brought up two happy successful boys .
I think of myself a very strong woman but when it comes to my mum , I break into useless , helpless pieces and fall to my knees ....why ?
Most of that I later learnt (here on this forum - thank you ❤️❤️❤️) was F.O.G. Fear Obligation Guilt
This invisable power that families weild over each other.
I learn that instead of ignoring or trying to extinguish feelings of resentment - I was better to LEAN onto this. FEEL it. This was a warning. That this was dangerous to my life. Not like murder.. but emotionally. Stealing my life, my air to breathe.
That I was being pushed under or pulled out to sea.
Anyone relate?
Are you from Turkey? What is your mother's financial situation? Are there facilities for elders there?
You have no idea how much your replies and this forum chat helps me to stay sane.
Infact it's the only way that I feel helped and some relief.
So THANK YOU 🙏💕
Is there such a thing as an emotional murder ?
Because that is what my mum is doing to me ....and everyday ....multiple times a day.
Yesterday I tried to stand up to her I told her I am not coming over just now. I was there 2 months ago for 4 weeks . Paid £800 for tickets plus £500 money that I brought over for her....there is nothing wrong with her and thankfully she is healthy ...I have the nice neighbour staying with her all the time ...but my god ...she started and for 30 minutes She says she wishes me to be alone forever without friends , without any joy in my life , wants me miserable for the rest of my life and she has told the neighbors that I am a heartless cruel daughter ...
I am a mother ...how can a mother be like that to their child ?
l was a single mum for 20 years ( abusive husband ) with no financial or emotional support from my parents or anyone .
My main concern was always and still is to make sure that my kids were physically and emotionally healthy and they are stable, happy grown up men 💝💝
she has killed my soul. I feel she has put her hand in my chest and pulled my heart out and stand on it .
My mother lives in Iran. She could have stayed here but she doesn't want to and now to be honest I am SO glad she is not as I don't think I would still be alive.
I HATE her now but still love her.
I have been told by my councillor that I have developed this co-dependent relationship which is going to be hard to break.
How do I do that ?
What happened when you said no?
What was Mom's reply? Right. Yes well, I'm sad about that but I understand. I respect for your choice.
No. You got a verbal tantrum.
Once you SEE the pattern... You disagree or say no = Tantrum.
The tantrum is designed to change your mind, bend you to her will.
Then she turned her anger at not getting her way into nastiness at you. As punsihment. It's very childish & melodramatic.
Let me tell you. You are strong. Have many defences against such a verbal tantrum.
No 1. is End the Call.
I don't want to discuss this anymore right now. Let's speak when you are calmer. Goodbye for now.
You do have this power.
You mentioned you live in Scotland now. Regardless of heritage, grab some of that fiery Scottish spirit - that painted blue warrior fiercess & own it!
I have been told by my councillor that I have developed this co-dependent relationship which is going to be hard to break.
How do I do that ?"
Your counselor should be able to help you develop strategies. Is this a priority in your treatment plan?
I am curious...last year you wrote that your mother lives in Turkey. Now she lives in Iran? How and why did she move to Iran? Does she make these moves on her own?