She’s always had narcissistic temper issues and now she has some dementia. She asked me to make oyster stew for Christmas Eve and a ham dinner for Christmas Day at her house. I was hesitant because she gets upset over small things and she has no problem getting mad on special occasions. My 22 year old son is home for 2 days and he loves his grandma and thought she was absolutely the best when he was young. Tonight I was in the small kitchen cooking and I even made a joke about “ taking over” her kitchen for a couple days. Her house is small and when there’s 3 people in it can be a bit cramped. She’s hard to talk to because she doesn’t wear her hearing aids and gets forgetful but mostly wants everyone’s un divided attention. I’m cooking, my son is relaxing and hanging out in the living room with her. Then we talked during dinner and it was mostly about her memories which is her favorite topics. After dinner my son and I went to get ice cream but she didn’t want to go so we went without her and brought some home to her. I could tell immediately she was in a mood. She marched up to her bedroom and when I followed her up to see what was wrong, she said, angrily, that she doesn’t fit in anymore, she feels like it’s not her house especially when my son and I are there, she’s bringing up old perceived “insults”. I’m upset at myself for actually thinking we could get through a holiday without her getting mad at something. My son knows she does this, especially on special holidays, but doesn’t get worked up like I do. I’m so glad he’s home but she makes it incredibly uncomfortable and now I’m dreading Christmas Day. When will I learn? I would rather just be with my son - we have a great time together and he’s not home all that much now that he’s out of college and working full time. I just can’t leave her alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. She has ruined a lot of holidays, birthdays, etc etc. I’m definitely not cooking at her house anymore. It’s restaurants from now on. I really think it was because she demands to be the center of attention and she wasn’t. My son can be kind of quiet and I know that bothers her and she takes it as an insult. I feel like scrapping the dinner tomorrow and trying to find a restaurant that I can enjoy with my son but I’m sure it would make everything worse and I probably wouldn’t enjoy it anyway. I’ve been her caretaker for 5 years and I’m wearing out emotionally.
This year, after she essentially ruined Thanksgiving for us, and then Christmas Eve, it finally occurred to me that this was part of a bigger pattern for her - holidays have ALWAYS been the source of some sort of drama revolving around her, and knowing now that she is NPD, it made perfect sense - the attention is drawn away from her and she has to get it back. She has also always insisted that we celebrate holidays with her on the day - never mind that my husband's family would also like to have our family on holidays. We made it a practice to alternate holidays - Christmas with his family, Thanksgiving with mine, and then vice versa the next year, etc. Invariably, on those days when his family "got" us, something would happen with her that meant we were distracted away from them for at least part of the day. How did I not see this all these years? Maybe it took having her wreck two holidays close together?
We've decided that we will not do any more holidays on the day of with her, and when we celebrate holidays with her (on a different day), we will play them down significantly and won't tell her what we are doing until right before. We are doing this because it seems this is one area that her dementia and her NPD seem to dovetail to cause her problems. Planning ahead really creates confusion and frustration for her due to her dementia, making her more disagreeable in itself, and then combining that with the attention-seeking aspect of her NPD as we celebrate holidays - it was just ugly this year. It almost seems like it will be a mercy to her to play down holidays going forward.
My mom and I have had these sorts of encounters my entire life, frequently at holiday times. Only in the last few weeks have I learned enough about NPD to realize that NPD is very likely her. Now though, we can add dementia into that mix. Makes for oh so much fun, right?
Because we have been estranged much of my adult life, I ended our last confrontation with "I'll see you soon", and I left. I didn't want to leave her believing it would be another decade before I returned, but I also didn't want her to believe she could be abusive of me either. I felt my departure was an astounding success, given that so many of them over the years ended in one or the other, or both, of us shrieking and slamming doors. So - YAY ME! I did good!
And then I felt guilty. As we talked about it, my friend pointed out that I make sure my mom is safe and her needs are met. That's all I am obligated to do, both legally and morally as her POA and her daughter. Emotional punching bag isn't in the job description. She also said that after a confrontation, it was important that I take whatever time I need to rebuild my strength, that I didn't have to rush back in out of a sense of "need."
So - I had told my mom to call me if she felt like she could put on a cheerful face and enjoy the company of the rest of the family on Christmas Day. She didn't call. Several times I considered jumping in the car and running in to town to see if she wanted to come, but I realized that by her not calling, she is making a decision to not be with us. If I had gone, I would have been giving in to my own guilt thinking about her sitting alone on Christmas Day and into her desire to control all my attention. I swallowed the guilt every time it arose and enjoyed my family knowing that I had not allowed my own guilt to saddle them with her miserable self.
So - YES! Your mom CAN be alone on Christmas. And any other day she chooses - through her actions - to be alone. When you have dementia coupled with NPD, it's hard to know when to be forgiving of bad behavior and when to push back. I'm still navigating this water as well, but it seems to me that it's okay to reject abuse in any form. Caring for our moms cannot come at the expense of our own wellbeing.
Sounds just like my grandmother. If she was not the center of attention she was not happy. The problem was even when she got attention she would try and make you feel sorry for her or she would trash talk others. Not someone you wanted to spend time with. People started spending less time with her and she blamed that on people not wanting to be around you when you were old. No one was brave enough to tell her the real reason because they were afraid she would throw a fit. I always wondered as a kid why everyone was so afraid of making her unhappy but it was perfectly ok for her to make everyone else unhappy.
How many more holidays do you want to let her ruin? When she acts up call it a day and leave.
Christmas is over now in most parts of the world. I hope you spent the day with your son and left your mother at home.
"Ruined a lot of holidays, birthdays, etc etc". Really? Then this is the last time. She's had her NPD "fun", walk/run away-why feel bad for someone who behaves like this? She's your Mother-that's a fact, but the fact that she is incapable of decent behavior needs to be addressed, and time to take care of yourself.
If your Mom has Dementia, you need to start getting her things together. She can literally worsen overnight. I saw it with one of our clients. She had Dementia and was living on her own with family checking in. The Nurse went to check on her and her decline overnight was such the family had to place her. If u have no POA, now is the the time to get it before she worsens. If she resists, tell her without a POA and Advanced directive in place, the State will take over her care and money and you will have no say it what happens to her.
Do not take her in to live with you. It will never work. If she has money, place her in a nice AL. If not, there is medicaid.
Only you have the power to change that dynamic.
As mentioned by Ann, making sure that your mom is SAFE is now paramount. It sounds as though she's never been "happy" so try to find a way to let that go. Finding a therapist or counselor to help with this can be useful.
Don't be sarcastic or vindictive; her brain won't process that correctly and you'll end up hurting your own heart.
As mentioned by CTTN, make sure there is a POA for health and finances in place and get a handle on her money situation.
Start researching facilities; her ability to live alone is coming to an end. There will be an emergency and you want to have an idea of what is available in terms of rehabs, Assisted Living and long term care facilities. Having her live with you or you with she is clearly off the table.
To an extent, your mother is correct, she doesn't fit in. She is aging in both body and brain and can tell. Her only resource is her drama; it's a sad place to be. She fears rejection, so she pushes you away to make sure you come back.
Have a peaceful Christmas.
The person who you loved as a daughter and whom your son cherished as a little boy IS NO LONGER HERE.
PLEASE establish a beautiful new tradition today with your son. If you’re sure your mother is SAFE and she can take care of her basic needs, YOU COUNT.
Hoping you have a WONDERFUL, NEW, VERY DIFFERENT CHRISTMAS, and that it will be the first of many more!!!!
I saw a comment to you back in October. Have you done any of the things mentioned, such as obtaining POA/HCPOA and figuring out what's going to happen when your mother needs more care?
Your mother lives "independently." What is the caregiving that you are doing for her now? Please plan for the future, and don't be in the situation that YOU will have to be one to take care of her because there were no plans made.
(Of course she probably won't want to move into a facility, so plan for that objection.)
After she took those actions, I got her to agree to look at various types of facilities and develop an advance game plan, including agreement as to what flags should be indicators of decision time, and we picked where she would want to go, got everything together as though we were going through with it, then hit the pause button and let her live her best life as fully as she could. When she accidentally locked herself into her back yard and had to spend a night outside, we knew the time had come. At the same time, she gave up her car voluntarily.
Through dumb luck on both her and my parts, we were smart enough to navigate those waters while she was still okay enough to make rational decisions and have meaningful input.
Now that her mind has declined beyond complex decision making, she is living in the facility of her choice. She hates it. She thinks all the other residents whisper about her and that they go into her room and steal from her. She believes the staff is absent most of the time and the executive director is never there. They never have activities or religious services. I know her complaints about staff are false and I see tons of pictures on Facebook of all the activities they have (which she doesn't participate in). I know that no one is stealing from her (we find the stolen items stashed in her room all the time). And I know that this place is the nicest place in town with the best reviews and tons of recommendations from people we know - and most importantly - it was her choice based on our research together.
I can't imagine trying to do all the legal stuff with her now in the condition she is in. I know I'm fortunate that she was so agreeable, but I have to believe it is well worth having those tough conversations as early as possible to resolve important matters because rougher waters are ahead and the window of opportunity for smooth(er) transition is small.
She stomps off? Leave her be until she decides to rejoin.Stop making this all about her.
Then leave (if only for an hour or for a day). She thinks she can handle it? Let her.
It's not on you to make gourmet dinners. She's blown that chance. If she is going to be difficult beyond help, then more help will be needed.
No point in wasting vindictive discourse on someone whose brain is progressively failing.