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Her asking to go home is likely a dementia behavior that arises from Sundowning and is extremely common. So, if I were in your situation I don't think I would take her to that home, since it is likely she wants to return to a childhood home that no longer exists.
Here's a thread going on right now with someone dealing with this situation:
Hi thank you for your quick response. I guess I was looking more for a legal viewpoint. can I legally stop her from going home? Must I honor her request to take her home and if I do, and something happens, am I liable. She has moderate dementia but is getting worse. She also has no short term memory. thank you
You do not need to take her "home" just because she asks. If she lives with you, why does she even still have a house? Is she still deemed to be competent? If so, at some point maybe a new evaluation to determine if that is still true. Once she is incompetent, you can legally make decisions for her.
If would be, I'm pretty sure, unsafe for her to go home and be alone. I'm sure there's a lot of good reasons why she is no longer living there alone.
Come up with some canned, vague responses to her request to go home. Don't argue, don't explain, don't try to convince her. "I know you want to go home. Maybe next week?" "The doctor wants you to live here now" IDK, just have something ready and then change the subject. Hopefully she'll get off this kick soon and move on to something else.
Her home is nothing you'll find. For her, home is not a place, it's more a time in her life. It could mean her childhood home. It may mean the home during her marriage, or the place she raised her family. It may mean something else. Her request might indicate a sense of confusion, not knowing where she is, or her feeling insecure. Asking her to talk about home might satisfy her.
How would she get to her “home”? Would she go by herself? That would be a big mistake. Having her go anywhere could result in her getting lost, being abused, and not being able to tell the police where she lives, yes, someone will notice her and call the police. You CAN legally prevent her from going home. I don't know if you would be held liable if anything happened to her, but your job as her POA is for you to make decisions in her best interest and for her protection.
We’ll, I spoke with a senior consultant. She said I Legally can not stop my mom from going home. I can try to put things in place to keep her safe ie have a senior aid come in and check on her. Then, If something happens to her, the police will take her to the nearest hospital and the hospital will then have jurisdiction over her and she will have no say in the matter.
the only way to legally stop her from going home is to declare her incompetent which involves a psychological exam and going to court to get guardianship.
the problem is my mom is demanding to go home to an empty house and be alone. She wants to make her own decisions and be alone. If I tell her no she goes on a hunger strike and becomes nasty and spiteful. I realize this is the dementia talking. I don’t know how to handle this situation. She just doesn’t want to be told she can’t do something.
Are you in Florida by any chance? Because I just found out something very similar during a consult with an elder care attorney.
My mom has diagnosed dementia since 2019. Back then the doctor recommendations were that she have supervision. She lives next door to me. Her dementia is getting worse, I am burned out and I want to put her in an ALF MC. I have a DPoA for both financial and medical.
I got the SAME answer as you. I can not force her to live at an ALF and SHE decides where she lives unless I go to court and get guardianship. The only other option is to wait for a crisis and take the hospital path to ALF.
Really stinks doesn't it? Having to wait for a crisis because these seniors actually have the RIGHT to very bad choices.
It's sounds like you want validation to take her back home, to be honest.
You know it's the dementia talking. So ignore that demand. How would she even get there?
You wouldn't let a 5-year-old play in the street even if they demanded you let them, right? Same with mother. You're the one looking after her now and you have to be in charge of her safety. She gets mad and spiteful when told "no"? Too bad. You can't let her be in danger.
Ignore the hunger strike threat. She has not starved to death yet and she won't now. It's just a manipulation tactic. And a childish one at that.
Finally... no one can blame you for not wanting Mother living in your home. I wouldn't be able to handle it either! But as others have said, there is a reason she isn't living there alone anymore. You could hire aides to come by, but I'm thinking your mother won't be compliant. She won't let them in, or will send them away permanently soon after.
Besides, she needs more than aides to "come check on her". If she has no short term memory then she needs 24/7 monitoring. I know of one woman with dementia who almost burned down her house when she set a pot of something on the stove, turned it on high, and then forgot it was there. Up until then, her family thought she was safe at home alone and just needed to be checked with.
It may be time to look into medication. A good doctor prescribe the right amount of an antidepressant or anti-anxiety med. Part of her "I want go home" is anxiety of not being home, if that makes sense. The goal is not to tranquilize her or numb her. Only to take the edge off and lessen the anxiety/stress.
It is understandable to want to be on the right side of the law. To avoid liability.
It is understandanble to want to keep your Mother safe.
It is understandable to want to please her.
But (you knew it that was coming)... First, common sense.
Risk assessment 101: Can Mother get herself 'home'? Walk, drive, catch a bus, order a taxi independently?
My Mother can do none of those so regardless of what she says, I know the risk of her esconding is zero. Her only method to go home is WORDS (used to request nicely or nag continually). Some will use manipulation, threats, abuse or guilt. A hunger strike - ok that's a new one. Crafty gal!
Risk assessment 102: IF Mother COULD get herself home, had keys to get in. To sit in an unheated or uncooled house with no food. People do this. Maybe the neighbour will call you, or the Police. You pick her up & return her to your home. (She may cry & be overwhelmed. Or she may forgot the next day & try again...) Depending on how likely that would be & how dangerous that scenario could be would equal whether you actively stopped that from happening. Sneakily if needed. (Locks on doors, location tracker on her phone or handbag).
I met one man who would escond via taxi from his AL. Great tech skills, some money skills but due to memory issues, would lose ID, lose track of time, get lost & be unable to find his way back. Brought back by Police many times. The AL solutions were to preorder an Uber for him (so they knew his destination), to ensure his name & AL phone number was on his clothing for ID & gave him many cards with the ALs number so he could call them to arrange his Uber back. Or helpful passersby would. Tricky eh? But legal.
Social Worker called this method of *least restriction*. Moomoo, maybe that's what the Senior Consultant you spoke to meant? To add in as much safety (legally) as you can - just my guess?
To me your issue seems less legal - more emotional.
"Must you honour her request?"
ie must you always do what your Mother asks? The answer is no.
I just want to do what’s right. I have family members who would love for me to fail miserably at caring for my mother. Maybe, to the point of hiring a lawyer. However, they offer no help in caring for her. I know my mother is struggling with her loss of independence. And saying “no” to her is difficult for me. She seems so unhappy. I want what is left of her life to be filled with love and peace. I just seem to be second guessing myself all the time.
I agree, if mom is considered competent you can't legally keep her from going home; HOWEVER you know it isn't safe for her to live on her own, which is why she is in your home. Get the ball rolling on having her doctor/s give their opinion that she is unsafe to live on her own - she is not competent to live on her own.
Whether the authorities can hold you responsible if she does go home and something happens to her is another questions - maybe - even if you are not held responsible, there may be an investigation done that would be unpleasant.
Your main job now is to keep mom safe - especially from herself.
If you have to tell her that her home is in need of repair - the plumbing is shot - or whatever. Learn to give vague answers. When she expresses a desire to return home try and determine what home means to her - is she talking about a specific home; a specific time? You will also need to learn to visit her world in order to soothe her anxieties or agitations.
My mother lives in Memory Care Assisted Living and always talks about wanting to "go home". Home can mean anything from going back to New York to Florida to a "different hotel" than the one she thinks she's living in right now.
Home is a place in time rather than a brick and mortar building. Most elders with dementia talk about going home constantly. They have no idea where it is or what it means, in most cases. We may take it literally when what they're saying is entirely figurative.
Letting your mother return to her house and be alone is neglectful, unless you hire someone to be with her 24/7 which defeats the purpose of her going home to begin with.
What she wants is her old life back, when she was 60 and running around doing as she pleased. You can't give her that, naturally. But you can keep her safe in your house, safe in her house with live in help if she can afford it, or safe in a Memory Care Assisted Living ALF and her home can be sold to finance her stay there.
Those are her choices. If she wants to get nasty and mean, you'll leave her presence and she can rail at the walls. If she wants to go on a hunger strike, she'll eat when her stomach tells her it's hungry enough.
I tell my mother the same thing: these are your choices mom because I can't fix your age or your health conditions. Stay in your memory care ALF or go to the Skilled Nursing Facility and deal with a roommate. She's wheelchair bound with advanced dementia and tons of other issues way beyond what I can deal with alone at home. All I can do is all I can do. Same goes for you. If either of us had a magic wand, God knows we'd have waved the damn thing by now and fixed this mess we're ALL dealing with! 🤐
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. I wish all of us peace and patience to face the daily trials and tribulations that are hurled at us.
You nailed it. Exactly what I go through with my dad. "What she wants is her old life back, when she was 60 and running around doing as she pleased." My dad was very active. Climbed mountains, went hiking, skiing. His yard was beautiful. Drove himself everywhere. Still talks about his car almost every time I see him. Unfortunately, I will end up being the same way.
I don't care what that person told you - I don't think you should allow her to go "home". If you think it is rather impossible for her to figure this out on her own, then it'd be safe to tell her that you do not think this is a good idea and that you will do NOTHING to help her do this.
I do not think this is a serious request with her having full understanding of what she is asking for and what it entails. Therefore, NOT going to happen.
Do you think she's competent? If not, I agree with someone earlier that she needs to get evaluated to determine is she's incompetent so that you can have peace of mind.
You know 'home' to me is my comfiest chair, a throw rug, a cuppa, that 'hygge' feeling. Being able to RELAX.
Having a book of old favorite photos, an old fashioned teacup, maybe some old songs from her 20's may not be 'home' but worth a go? (Maybe add a little Dr prescribed mood medication??). My DH & I have decided if we need a pill to get that 'home' feeling when we are 90 we will take it.
Your mother should not be allowed to go to her home alone. She has dementia and needs protection. She is not capable to make these decisions. Keep her with you or place her in memory care.
If she holds her mother against her will, that would be kidnapping and is illegal. She should call APS and file a report that her mother is living alone and she thinks it's dangerous.
I hope this is the legal answer you want. You appear to have no legal authority to stop your mother going anywhere. However you have no legal obligation to help her do it. If she is capable of calling a taxi and can pay for it, it’s on her own head. However you can call APS about your concerns as soon as she has done it.
I’m with the others that she should not go back to the house… that’s she’s wanting to in actuality wanting to go back in time. Unless she can on her own get Uber or a cab, she’s not getting there . You do not have to take her as it’s empty and not a secure & safe environment.
But I’ve got to ask, just what exactly is going on with her home? So she has moved out and living with you, right? So is her home vacant and listed with a Realtor to sell? If so, does your POA allow for you to sign off at the Act of Sale? Or is It just shuttered down and the plan is to let it sit till she dies then divvy it & moms stuff as per her will? Or are your siblings / family or their kids planning on moving in? Your posts imply that they are interfering with your POA allowed decisions, so are they doing this as they want house to live in perhaps for free?
Her home has costs…. taxes, insurance, utilities, maintenance, etc., how are these items getting paid? Is home in an area w fabulous neighbors who look out for it and no worry on vagrants or woodland creatures setting up in it? Should mom need a higher level of care in the future, does she have enough $$$$ to pay for care in a MC or NH for 2.5 years (average stay in the US) and also pay all costs on the home? At 91, she’s outlived all the actuarial tables on life expectancy, she could go another decade.
Additionally most home owner's insurance does NOT cover a vacant home. It will need special insurance to be covered while vacant. We had to find other insurance for mom's condo (it took me about 2.75 years to get it clear, clean and repaired - initially there was talk of renting it, but since I was managing everything else, including most of the work on it, I decided I did NOT want to be a landlord too! The EC atty questioned the sale, but considering between utils, RE taxes and condo fees, it was sucking down about $14k a year, it didn't make sense to let it sit! The repairs were ridiculous as well - new heating/AC system and replacing the glass in all the damn windows which were blowing seals!)
I would check on the insurance - if not covered when vacant and something happens, ouch! Unless the other family members have ANY legal say in disposition of the house, I'd recommend selling it. Maintenance, taxes, repairs, insurance, utils are sucking down assets for no good reason. If you are the sole POA, you do NOT answer to them. You are doing what's best for your mother.
What Margaret said: can you rely on your mother's not actually being able to take herself home? It's a kind of bluff-calling - you say "go ahead mother, if that's your choice" but you don't do anything to enable the move.
The thing is, dementia is not an on-off switch and we can't know anything about your mother's level of day-to-day function. If she has reached the point where she cannot think through a decision and its consequences, then she can't be considered responsible and (by implication) you become responsible - but that too depends on what type of POA you have.
Think this through for her. She orders herself a cab and high-tails it home to her empty house. What happens next? Is there milk in the fridge? Is the bed made? Can she even find her key and operate the front door lock? You know and we can't know what the scene would be. And then - never mind legal liability, you don't want poor mother found lost and scared in her own back yard two days later.
As for *stopping* her - well, not directly, not if she isn't considered incompetent. But you don't have to help carry out a decision you believe is not in her best interests.
Yeah! If she gets the taxi, perhaps go around an hour or so later to check what's happened. Take her back if it's a disaster, call APS if she's in and settled (and you think APS is justified).
Lots of good answers here to a very vague question but have you asked her why she doesn’t want to stay? Or asked her what you can do to make her feel more at home in your house? I personally don’t think a 91 year old with dementia should be alone at all.
My mother has always had a very strong personality. She is very proud, independent and stubborn. I believe she wants to go home because nobody can tell her what to do and she feels she will have some type of independence.
If she has POA and the elder is harmed due to her neglect of care...yeah, she's resonsible Plus, wanting to "go home" is a common phrase that dementia patients say. And it doesn't mean "go home" it means wanting the familiar when everything is becoming strange, new, and frightening due to brain damage (which is basically what dementia is, brain death)
The purpose of the POA is to give authority to a competent purpose to protect the health, welfare, and interest of an incompetent purpose. Allowing your mother to move home when she is not competent could make you responsible for injuries to hers and to others. Whether you are responsible depends on the laws of your state.
Now is the time to think about the "worst" thing that could happen. If a reasonable person under the same or similar situation would not allow their ward to take the action -- then it is possible you could be consider negligent toward your mother if she is injured or others.
Totally agree … elder neglect if it’s not safe for her living alone. most likely needs caregiver 24/7 you’re her POA .. you need provide for her safety.
I would try to convince her that it would not be safe. tell her that when she came to live with you it was for her safety and that (maybe a little white untruth) tell her that some fixing up is being done to stuff that needed work (painting, fixing plumbing, etc)....anything to let her know that right now is not a good time. I would hope that is not driving and can just get up and go. Do you have old photo albums of when she was little, or talk about stuff when she was younger, that might help to distract for a little bit. wishing you luck. I don't know if you would be held liable or not.
Ask your mom what she means by "go home." Sometimes, it means her childhood home. Sometimes, it means she just needs a "visit" to her old neighborhood. After figuring out which "home," ask what she remembers about "home" and what she loves about it. Incorporate elements of "home" into her room if possible. Sometimes, a visit to the "old neighborhood" is enough.
If your mom tends to talk more about going "home" in the evening, she may actually be saying she is tired. Some folks get Sundowner's Syndrome, get confused during the evening as they tire and darker rooms look "different." Try putting on more lights in the evening. Also, adjust her schedule for more winding down before bedtime.
First of all ask her were is home. Then tell her home is not safe for her so elderly has sundown in the day time. Nights may be ok. Try to take her outside in the day time. Have a lot of light in the house of the morning and evening. Then night time make it a little dark to let her know it night time.she may refer home as heaven.
Where is her house? Same town, different town? Are you asking because it's getting hard for you? Would you feel comfortable for her to live alone?
My mom is 96 and came to live with us about 4 years ago, from her home 2 1/2 hours away. It was intended as a visit over July the 4th. But she never asked to go home... then. Later after a time, it became a constant " I want to go home " thing.
But after she was with me for awhile, I could see that she wouldn't be safe by herself. Previous neighbors had moved away; she didn't know anyone around and had no family or friends there. She would answer the door to anyone who knocked. She would answer questions to strangers on the phone. I think she very probably did not manage her medications properly. Her driving skills diminished.
Had she stayed there I would have had to hire caregivers. And having worked as an RN case manager who arranged caregivers/aides for my patients and getting calls often about this person not showing up, agency unable to get someone else, etc. etc., I knew that I could not do that for my mother living somewhere else, and way too far to "drop in" and check on her.
So, we live together. If she did not live here, she would need ALF. But after the first year and a half of a lot of "butting heads", I know she loves being here. She misses her home and all that meant to her. I sold her home after 2 years of being here, and she still forgets that.
I guess what I am saying here is do you want your mother to stay with you? I'm not sure the question should be whether you are liable. Your mother has Alzheimers/dementia. Could she find her way home? You need to be the "parent" here and decide what is best for your mom. And if you think ALF, rather than with you, go with it. My mom is not at all social, never has been, and is narcissistic. If she had been social, I think I would have considered ALF.
Hi thank you for your response. My mother is also a narcissist. She is stubborn and strong willed and anti-social. I always have to dance around her if I want her to do something. Humor helps a lot. But if a push to hard she will become nasty and spiteful. Getting her to shower is a bone of contention. If I push to hard, I then get “I’m going home where no one can tell me what to do.”
My answer is going to be different from others. This was from our experience with this situation. We also sold the house after grandchildren came and picked what they would like. We also brought sone of my MIL’s things to put in the room we set up for her. We turned a spare bedroom also into a sitting room for her. Hired a companion while we were at work. The companion was responsible to find back up, agency was not reliable. This worked great. 1-Do not remind her you sold the house 2-Do not ask her what she considers home 3- Come up with sayings. ”Mom a storm is coming in today, lets wait” ”Mom it’s late in the day, just stay another day” ”Mom I am enjoying having you visit, how about staying another day” ”Mom I thought we would do an outing today”
We did this for 5 years with my mom. It also avoids conflict with Dementia/Alzheimer’s.
If you have POA, and she has dementia, then your absolutely liable. As POA, you are 100% responsible for not only her care and finances, but more importantly her safety!! She has a mental decline that prevents her from making safe choices for herself. You can't let her live by herself or on her own. I understand how frustrating and overwhelming it all must be! Can you get her into a memory care near you? If she doesn't understand why she can't be home, then likely she will always feel this way. Dementia is a progressive disease and as POA you can sign her into a memory care before it all gets to be way too much. It's a lot on one person. They have 3 shifts of nurses and your mom would be in a safe environment. Best of luck & prayers:) I know it's very hard to deal with.
I don’t think POA is that far reaching. My understanding in my state anyway it that you must have a guardianship to make those kinds of decisions for your loved one.
Hey, tough situation. A lot of us have either been there or are there. I will pray for you and wish you the best, however that won't answer your legal questions. CALL AN ELDER CARE LAWYER in your state. They KNOW the legal end of things. As for the rest, there are a lot of good answers written. It would be so nice to be able to go back to "The good old days" as our Alzheimer's loved one wants, but this is the here and now and those "simple" days don't exist anymore. My husband wants to go home too. He is broken and confused and it is up to me to try and keep him safe and me sane. As the expression says, "It's a hard row to hoe." I keep telling myself, "this too shall end" and it will, just don't know when. As I said I will be praying for both you and your Mom.
Is there a previous residence to return to? How would you "let" her? I suppose in theory if mom can pack her things, call a cab or car service and tell them to take her to the address she wants to go to. And if she can care for herself once there then she really does not need a POA. If she walked out of your house and became disoriented and you took proper care to notify police that she is missing (by the way if this happens call right away do not wait "24 hours" to file a report.) If proper care was taken to ensure that she could not escape from the house then you would not be liable for her wandering off.
I believe this depends on her medical diagnosis. Having a POA doesn't give you any rights when a person is NOT diagnosed with dementia wherein they cannot competently care for themselves. Ask your attorney, or whoever drew up the POA, about your responsibilities - and limitations. Gena / Touch Matters
I’m afraid if I take her home she will refuse to leave. I would have to carry her out kicking and screaming or she would lock me out and not answer the door. At 91, she still has a lot of spirit.
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Here's a thread going on right now with someone dealing with this situation:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mother-has-dementia-and-keeps-saying-she-wants-to-go-home-even-though-she-is-home-shes-mad-468737.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
can I legally stop her from going home? Must I honor her request to take her home and if I do, and something happens, am I liable.
She has moderate dementia but is getting worse. She also has no short term memory.
thank you
If would be, I'm pretty sure, unsafe for her to go home and be alone. I'm sure there's a lot of good reasons why she is no longer living there alone.
Come up with some canned, vague responses to her request to go home. Don't argue, don't explain, don't try to convince her. "I know you want to go home. Maybe next week?" "The doctor wants you to live here now" IDK, just have something ready and then change the subject. Hopefully she'll get off this kick soon and move on to something else.
How would she get to her “home”? Would she go by herself? That would be a big mistake. Having her go anywhere could result in her getting lost, being abused, and not being able to tell the police where she lives, yes, someone will notice her and call the police. You CAN legally prevent her from going home. I don't know if you would be held liable if anything happened to her, but your job as her POA is for you to make decisions in her best interest and for her protection.
the only way to legally stop her from going home is to declare her incompetent which involves a psychological exam and going to court to get guardianship.
the problem is my mom is demanding to go home to an empty house and be alone. She wants to make her own decisions and be alone. If I tell her no she goes on a hunger strike and becomes nasty and spiteful. I realize this is the dementia talking. I don’t know how to handle this situation. She just doesn’t want to be told she can’t do something.
My mom has diagnosed dementia since 2019. Back then the doctor recommendations were that she have supervision. She lives next door to me.
Her dementia is getting worse, I am burned out and I want to put her in an ALF MC. I have a DPoA for both financial and medical.
I got the SAME answer as you. I can not force her to live at an ALF and SHE decides where she lives unless I go to court and get guardianship. The only other option is to wait for a crisis and take the hospital path to ALF.
Really stinks doesn't it? Having to wait for a crisis because these seniors actually have the RIGHT to very bad choices.
You have my empathy, I wish I had more advice.
You know it's the dementia talking. So ignore that demand. How would she even get there?
You wouldn't let a 5-year-old play in the street even if they demanded you let them, right? Same with mother. You're the one looking after her now and you have to be in charge of her safety. She gets mad and spiteful when told "no"? Too bad. You can't let her be in danger.
Ignore the hunger strike threat. She has not starved to death yet and she won't now. It's just a manipulation tactic. And a childish one at that.
Finally... no one can blame you for not wanting Mother living in your home. I wouldn't be able to handle it either! But as others have said, there is a reason she isn't living there alone anymore. You could hire aides to come by, but I'm thinking your mother won't be compliant. She won't let them in, or will send them away permanently soon after.
Besides, she needs more than aides to "come check on her". If she has no short term memory then she needs 24/7 monitoring. I know of one woman with dementia who almost burned down her house when she set a pot of something on the stove, turned it on high, and then forgot it was there. Up until then, her family thought she was safe at home alone and just needed to be checked with.
It may be time to look into medication. A good doctor prescribe the right amount of an antidepressant or anti-anxiety med. Part of her "I want go home" is anxiety of not being home, if that makes sense. The goal is not to tranquilize her or numb her. Only to take the edge off and lessen the anxiety/stress.
As said they all want to go home. She is safer and well cared for by u.
It is understandanble to want to keep your Mother safe.
It is understandable to want to please her.
But (you knew it that was coming)... First, common sense.
Risk assessment 101:
Can Mother get herself 'home'? Walk, drive, catch a bus, order a taxi independently?
My Mother can do none of those so regardless of what she says, I know the risk of her esconding is zero. Her only method to go home is WORDS (used to request nicely or nag continually). Some will use manipulation, threats, abuse or guilt. A hunger strike - ok that's a new one. Crafty gal!
Risk assessment 102:
IF Mother COULD get herself home, had keys to get in. To sit in an unheated or uncooled house with no food. People do this. Maybe the neighbour will call you, or the Police. You pick her up & return her to your home. (She may cry & be overwhelmed. Or she may forgot the next day & try again...) Depending on how likely that would be & how dangerous that scenario could be would equal whether you actively stopped that from happening. Sneakily if needed. (Locks on doors, location tracker on her phone or handbag).
I met one man who would escond via taxi from his AL. Great tech skills, some money skills but due to memory issues, would lose ID, lose track of time, get lost & be unable to find his way back. Brought back by Police many times.
The AL solutions were to preorder an Uber for him (so they knew his destination), to ensure his name & AL phone number was on his clothing for ID & gave him many cards with the ALs number so he could call them to arrange his Uber back. Or helpful passersby would. Tricky eh? But legal.
Social Worker called this method of *least restriction*.
Moomoo, maybe that's what the Senior Consultant you spoke to meant? To add in as much safety (legally) as you can - just my guess?
To me your issue seems less legal - more emotional.
"Must you honour her request?"
ie must you always do what your Mother asks? The answer is no.
Now IF this is it, let us know.
Thank you for your response.
I just want to do what’s right. I have family members who would love for me to fail miserably at caring for my mother. Maybe, to the point of hiring a lawyer. However, they offer no help in caring for her.
I know my mother is struggling with her loss of independence. And saying “no” to her is difficult for me. She seems so unhappy. I want what is left of her life to be filled with love and peace.
I just seem to be second guessing myself all the time.
Whether the authorities can hold you responsible if she does go home and something happens to her is another questions - maybe - even if you are not held responsible, there may be an investigation done that would be unpleasant.
Your main job now is to keep mom safe - especially from herself.
If you have to tell her that her home is in need of repair - the plumbing is shot - or whatever. Learn to give vague answers. When she expresses a desire to return home try and determine what home means to her - is she talking about a specific home; a specific time? You will also need to learn to visit her world in order to soothe her anxieties or agitations.
Good luck.
Home is a place in time rather than a brick and mortar building. Most elders with dementia talk about going home constantly. They have no idea where it is or what it means, in most cases. We may take it literally when what they're saying is entirely figurative.
Letting your mother return to her house and be alone is neglectful, unless you hire someone to be with her 24/7 which defeats the purpose of her going home to begin with.
What she wants is her old life back, when she was 60 and running around doing as she pleased. You can't give her that, naturally. But you can keep her safe in your house, safe in her house with live in help if she can afford it, or safe in a Memory Care Assisted Living ALF and her home can be sold to finance her stay there.
Those are her choices. If she wants to get nasty and mean, you'll leave her presence and she can rail at the walls. If she wants to go on a hunger strike, she'll eat when her stomach tells her it's hungry enough.
I tell my mother the same thing: these are your choices mom because I can't fix your age or your health conditions. Stay in your memory care ALF or go to the Skilled Nursing Facility and deal with a roommate. She's wheelchair bound with advanced dementia and tons of other issues way beyond what I can deal with alone at home. All I can do is all I can do. Same goes for you. If either of us had a magic wand, God knows we'd have waved the damn thing by now and fixed this mess we're ALL dealing with! 🤐
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. I wish all of us peace and patience to face the daily trials and tribulations that are hurled at us.
I do not think this is a serious request with her having full understanding of what she is asking for and what it entails. Therefore, NOT going to happen.
Do you think she's competent? If not, I agree with someone earlier that she needs to get evaluated to determine is she's incompetent so that you can have peace of mind.
Good luck.
Having a book of old favorite photos, an old fashioned teacup, maybe some old songs from her 20's may not be 'home' but worth a go? (Maybe add a little Dr prescribed mood medication??). My DH & I have decided if we need a pill to get that 'home' feeling when we are 90 we will take it.
But I’ve got to ask, just what exactly is going on with her home?
So she has moved out and living with you, right? So is her home vacant and listed with a Realtor to sell? If so, does your POA allow for you to sign off at the Act of Sale?
Or is It just shuttered down and the plan is to let it sit till she dies then divvy it & moms stuff as per her will?
Or are your siblings / family or their kids planning on moving in? Your posts imply that they are interfering with your POA allowed decisions, so are they doing this as they want house to live in perhaps for free?
Her home has costs…. taxes, insurance, utilities, maintenance, etc., how are these items getting paid?
Is home in an area w fabulous neighbors who look out for it and no worry on vagrants or woodland creatures setting up in it?
Should mom need a higher level of care in the future, does she have enough $$$$ to pay for care in a MC or NH for 2.5 years (average stay in the US) and also pay all costs on the home? At 91, she’s outlived all the actuarial tables on life expectancy, she could go another decade.
I would check on the insurance - if not covered when vacant and something happens, ouch! Unless the other family members have ANY legal say in disposition of the house, I'd recommend selling it. Maintenance, taxes, repairs, insurance, utils are sucking down assets for no good reason. If you are the sole POA, you do NOT answer to them. You are doing what's best for your mother.
The thing is, dementia is not an on-off switch and we can't know anything about your mother's level of day-to-day function. If she has reached the point where she cannot think through a decision and its consequences, then she can't be considered responsible and (by implication) you become responsible - but that too depends on what type of POA you have.
Think this through for her. She orders herself a cab and high-tails it home to her empty house. What happens next? Is there milk in the fridge? Is the bed made? Can she even find her key and operate the front door lock? You know and we can't know what the scene would be. And then - never mind legal liability, you don't want poor mother found lost and scared in her own back yard two days later.
As for *stopping* her - well, not directly, not if she isn't considered incompetent. But you don't have to help carry out a decision you believe is not in her best interests.
My mother has always had a very strong personality. She is very proud, independent and stubborn. I believe she wants to go home because nobody can tell her what to do and she feels she will have some type of independence.
Plus, wanting to "go home" is a common phrase that dementia patients say. And it doesn't mean "go home" it means wanting the familiar when everything is becoming strange, new, and frightening due to brain damage (which is basically what dementia is, brain death)
Now is the time to think about the "worst" thing that could happen. If a reasonable person under the same or similar situation would not allow their ward to take the action -- then it is possible you could be consider negligent toward your mother if she is injured or others.
not safe for her living alone.
most likely needs caregiver 24/7
you’re her POA .. you need provide
for her safety.
If your mom tends to talk more about going "home" in the evening, she may actually be saying she is tired. Some folks get Sundowner's Syndrome, get confused during the evening as they tire and darker rooms look "different." Try putting on more lights in the evening. Also, adjust her schedule for more winding down before bedtime.
My mom is 96 and came to live with us about 4 years ago, from her home 2 1/2 hours away. It was intended as a visit over July the 4th. But she never asked to go home... then. Later after a time, it became a constant " I want to go home " thing.
But after she was with me for awhile, I could see that she wouldn't be safe by herself. Previous neighbors had moved away; she didn't know anyone around and had no family or friends there. She would answer the door to anyone who knocked. She would answer questions to strangers on the phone. I think she very probably did not manage her medications properly. Her driving skills diminished.
Had she stayed there I would have had to hire caregivers. And having worked as an RN case manager who arranged caregivers/aides for my patients and getting calls often about this person not showing up, agency unable to get someone else, etc. etc., I knew that I could not do that for my mother living somewhere else, and way too far to "drop in" and check on her.
So, we live together. If she did not live here, she would need ALF. But after the first year and a half of a lot of "butting heads", I know she loves being here. She misses her home and all that meant to her. I sold her home after 2 years of being here, and she still forgets that.
I guess what I am saying here is do you want your mother to stay with you? I'm not sure the question should be whether you are liable. Your mother has Alzheimers/dementia. Could she find her way home? You need to be the "parent" here and decide what is best for your mom. And if you think ALF, rather than with you, go with it. My mom is not at all social, never has been, and is narcissistic. If she had been social, I think I would have considered ALF.
Good luck! It isn't always easy.
1-Do not remind her you sold the house
2-Do not ask her what she considers home
3- Come up with sayings.
”Mom a storm is coming in today, lets wait”
”Mom it’s late in the day, just stay another day”
”Mom I am enjoying having you visit, how about staying another day”
”Mom I thought we would do an outing today”
We did this for 5 years with my mom. It also avoids conflict with Dementia/Alzheimer’s.
Best of luck & prayers:) I know it's very hard to deal with.
CALL AN ELDER CARE LAWYER in your state. They KNOW the legal end of things.
As for the rest, there are a lot of good answers written. It would be so nice to be able to go back to "The good old days" as our Alzheimer's loved one wants, but this is the here and now and those "simple" days don't exist anymore. My husband wants to go home too. He is broken and confused and it is up to me to try and keep him safe and me sane. As the expression says, "It's a hard row to hoe." I keep telling myself, "this too shall end" and it will, just don't know when.
As I said I will be praying for both you and your Mom.
How would you "let" her?
I suppose in theory if mom can pack her things, call a cab or car service and tell them to take her to the address she wants to go to. And if she can care for herself once there then she really does not need a POA.
If she walked out of your house and became disoriented and you took proper care to notify police that she is missing (by the way if this happens call right away do not wait "24 hours" to file a report.) If proper care was taken to ensure that she could not escape from the house then you would not be liable for her wandering off.
Having a POA doesn't give you any rights when a person is NOT diagnosed with dementia wherein they cannot competently care for themselves.
Ask your attorney, or whoever drew up the POA, about your responsibilities - and limitations.
Gena / Touch Matters