My 91 year old uncle was overwhelmed as my mother's POA. Against my mother and my wishes he placed her in a memory care facility.

The question I have is how long ago did your mother name your uncle as POA? . If it was a really long time ago, I would be checking to verify he is still capable of handling the responsibilities. Being 90 years old does not necessarily mean he is not still a good choice

PO said "So he put her in there so he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore." The fact that she is now in a memory care facility does not end his POA duties. Being overwhelmed could be due to his own health concerns and possibly the steps do need to be taken to have him replaced. If he was helping her as a caregiver, it is totally understandable that he is overwhelmed, then it was his best choice unless you can step up 24/7 .

If you and your uncle do not agree, a facility has to defer to whoever is the POA, if it has been activated. Depending on her memory care needs, it is probably too late for her to personally change her POA and you may would have to involve the courts. In the mean time, you may want to continue visiting her daily as you have been doing the last 15 years to try and advocate for her and assure she doesn't feel abandoned.

Apparently your mother trusted him to do the best thing for her, so I think you need to accept it because after all when your mother was able to make good decisions she asked him. Maybe he is seeing something you don’t. Talk to him and listen. Don’t assume he is making the wrong decision. Your mother may not be able to reason well and he sees that. If I asked someone to make decisions for me and later I did not like the decision, I would hope that person would do what he thought best and not what I was thinking because age takes away so many mental abilities to reason.

Talk to your uncle about bringing her to your own home, if that's what you are talking about. If you're talking about taking her back to your uncle's home, that's a different story. You cannot make him be the primary caregiver. If the house belongs to your mom (where she and uncle lived), you should talk to an elder attorney. Keep in mind that "coming in each day" is not the same as being there 24/7 with her.

You might want to clarify where you want her to go to when you say she has the right to be at home where she belongs. His home/their home/your home, etc. You may get some better suggestions with more info.

Get doctor to evaluate her mental competency. If she is mentally competent, she can revoke POA or get a new POA (you). If she is mentally incompetent, then POA goes into effect.

PerryMason1987: Perhaps your mother is where she needs to be.

I am in the process of looking at memory care facilities for my mother. We have had people in daily for a while and more recently also hired night help. There are still some gaps in time when she is alone. She is in an independent living cottage so some maintenance responsibilities are handled by them. My mother is still able to understand why we are making the decision to find a place for her but she forgets immediately. We tried to get the help to let her age at home as she would still like but i think she will find that a good facility is not as bad as she thinks. She is currently two hours away from me. I am looking into places near me so I could visit her daily and take her out to do things. The fear she expressed last night was that she didn’t want to be in a prison. I had called her because she was afraid to open the door for the night help since she forgot they were coming. I pointed out that I could visit her and take her out as could her friends but she wouldn’t have to be afraid at night since she wouldn’t be alone. I thought I’d be against the idea of finding a facility for her but I now realize that it is the only way to keep her safe. I am hoping to visit as many as I can to find one where she could be comfortable. I have had to admit that it would be the best thing for all of us. I had to step back and take an honest look at the situation. We haven’t found a place yet since I’ve only just started my search but the more I look into places the more I think they could definitely take better care and offer more for her than putting together the patchwork of help she has currently. I have read enough in this forum to know that I will have to visit her often and make sure her needs are being met, even at the best places. I have had to be her advocate anyway but I’ve been trying to do it based on an average of one visit a week and the reports from her caregivers. My mother also has a small dog she adores but he isn’t housebroken so I know he couldn’t stay with her but one of my requirements for a facility is that I can bring him to visit her, with diapers on to be safe! Many places also have regular therapy animal visits. Anyway, I won’t let it be a situation where she would have to give up her dog completely. I am just glad he gets along with my dogs and I will have to have diapers on him at home as well! I know my mother won’t be happy at first but I think that in the end she will have a better life than sitting at home and interacting primarily with her caregivers. It is hard but I think it is for the best. I hope sharing my approach to this process can help you. No one says it is easy!

Before all of the complicated things suggested I would make sure the POA for health care is truly activated. I found it very difficult to get the POA for my Mom activated. There are certain criteria that need to be met.
Several people are not being very understanding of your situation. My mother is currently in Assisted Living. Keep Mom home as long as you can.

How did your Uncle get the POA over a daughter?

I’m sure there’s a legal way of challenging a decision
but personal
views aside and what’s best for the patient
my father is 92
in full senses and has someone in the family at his place daily cooking cleaning/company
then we go home
it’s hard for a 90 year old or older to navigate looking after themselves in those extra hours
they really need someone living there
Totally get your point but the care needs of a 90 and 90 plus need more than visiting - they need someone living with the person
my father is mobile but tripped in the bathroom
that could have resulted in a head injury
I could continue with dangers in the home
at a centre there shd be 24 hour care
there are arguments for and against
the full time needs of a person need to be considered over whatever believe in ? I am in the process of renovating a house just bought recently and will have my dad live with us
he also no matter how many daily visits feels lonely and anxious at times
everyone’s different - just to highlight how visiting does not really address all the needs of care fir an elderly person
that said
if u disagree with it and for the right reasons for looking after your mother speak to someone legal and check how the decision can be challenged
I imagine the issue of full time care would arise and challenge your mother not getting that living alone
visits not being full time care
wishing you the best

Wow. There are a lot of people here who promote warehousing of our loved ones. I assure you most "facilities" are warehouses and have, as Emily Kenway put it, "a focus on the body, rather than the social being." I have to wonder how many are industry insiders, or are people who lack compassion and loving-kindness.

For some people, there are not any good alternatives, but it is my opinion that institutionalization should be the last choice. I truly appreciate your perspective.

My recommendation: Talk with an experienced elder law attorney (https://www.naela.org/). POA's cannot override the conscious and competent decisions of the person for whom they are POA. Your uncle cannot overrule your mother's decisions unless she is too far gone to make them. But that does not sound like the case. The attorney will likely want to meet with your mother as well, or send a social worker to talk with her.

Best of luck to both of you. ♥

Perry, you have been taking care of your mom for 15 years, it's time to take care you..

Go out for a day , know your mom is getting looked after and enjoy some nature, watch the birds and breathe.

I'm sensing your mom might be a little further along than you think. They would have evaluated her before admission. Your mom also has the ability to speak up for herself. If she was with it enough to live alone, she would have said something. I am curious as to why your mother has given POA to her 91 yr old sibling and not her own child? We would all love to live in our own home until elderly and magically pass away in our sleep, but for the majority of people, that is not what happens. It is not safe for someone with dementia to live alone. I could get into the fifty things that could happen to her, but I think you already know this.

My advice...thank your uncle because there is still plenty for him to manage and visit your mom as often as you can.

Since your uncle is the POA and not you, he did what was best for your mom. Your mom needs 24 hour care She is not safe alone ever. Your mom's dog cannot put out a fire if one occurred. Unfortunately, your mom's memory will get worse. Please don't resent your uncle. I am sorry you feel betrayed, but your uncle did the best he could considering the circumstances.

It’s good Mom gave PoA to a person with the strength of will to make the hard (but correct) decisions. I wonder if that’s why she chose him over you? It’s easy to think with your heart instead of your head.

She needs 24/7 if she has dementia. She is not safe alone.

A demented elder saying they want to die at home is the equivalent of a five year old saying they want to grow up to be Batman. Sure it’s fun to think about, but hardly realistic.

My two cents...I listened to my mom's requests to be home and tried to accommodate as long as possible. Right under my nose she lost 50 pounds because she was either sleeping through meals or simply forgetting to eat. When I noticed nearly two weeks of medication never taken (she lived 4 hours from me so daily visits were not possible) I took action for her safety. Her wishes could no longer be accommodated because they were not rational. She had signed a POA to me years before when she was able to make good decisions. She lived with me for 11 months at which time we could see she was needed more care than we could provide and my personality was actually changing due to stress. She was placed in a lovely memory care facility where the staff rarely changes and they love on the residents like their own family. She still thinks that she is going home when she finishes whatever medical situation she has.

If your mom is not yet to the point where she cannot understand where she is or why she is there, now is a good time for her to adjust to it. My mom can't adjust because I waited too long. She is constantly packing everything up in small plastic bags she takes from the trash bin in her room and waiting for someone to take her home. It is sad. I wish I had put her there when she could still somewhat adjust and know that this is where she now lives.

With all this being said, in the days just before I moved her to memory care, she had several different days where she was quite lucid for a few hours and I was able to talk to her about my plans. I explained to her about the place she was going and why I had selected it. I was able to tell her that her best friend had selected the AL next door and that they would be able to see each other more often. She was able to acknowledge that it was time and that she felt it was a good choice. In those hours she understood that she could not go back home and that caring for her was more than I could undertake while working full time. This time was a true gift and I am so very grateful for it because I know that my mom may not remember but her lucid brain understood and agreed.

Your uncle may only be trying to avoid the hard work of caretaking, but regardless he has done the right thing if she has dementia.

I am sorry to be harsh but you need to face reality and mourn the loss of your mother's ability to live alone because it is no longer realistic. It is not your fault, nor is it your uncle's that she does not get to live at home until death. I can imagine that you love her and would never want to see her suffer like she would if she fell right after you left one day and lay there until you arrive the following day in pain and fear and, let's face it, probably her own body fluids and feces. That would devastate you and her. The harsh reality is that it is only a matter of time before she forgets to use her walker and falls, possibly to her demise but definitely to her detriment.

I would definitely try to get the facility to keep the little dog with her, not only will it be good for her but it would delight the other residents. I volunteer with my church at a local memory care and they have two dogs that live there full time. I want to approach my mom's facility about getting a dog or two because I see how much the residents love them.

After 15 years, you, too, deserve a break from daily care. You should still visit your mom often and at different times of day so you can advocate for her as needed but leave her care to professionals and you just enjoy being her daughter for whatever time you have left with her. You may not see it now but your uncle is giving your life back as well as his own.

I'd like to hand him a medal for being able to do it against her wishes.

If your 91 year old uncle felt overwhelmed it's because too much was asked of him, perhaps he sees things more clearly than you do. Coming in once a day is not sufficient for someone with advancing dementia, she may have her familiar things she also has no help when there are problems (and trust me there are), social outlets or supervision.

It's so easy to blame someone else for "dumping" mom off in Memory Care Assisted Living instead of facing the facts that she was left alone at home, with dementia, to fend for herself the majority of the time. A dementia patient needs 24/7 care and help with showering, personal hygiene, cooking, in other words EVERYTHING. Just because you are a firm believer that a person has a right to die in their own home does not make your belief gospel in this case. Your uncle did not shirk his duties as POA but embraced them by placing mom in a safe environment with 24/7 care on site. She appointed him POA for a reason. Accept that fact or petition the court for guardianship of your mother and best of luck with that.

You'd be wise to recognize what's truly best for your mother at this point in her life, not what you believe to be best. Unless you're prepared to move her in with you and do the 24/7 caregiving until she passes, leave things as they are.

Why does your uncle have POA fr your mother and not you? You're her actual next-of-kin and her child.

You would need to petition the court for conservatorship/guardianship of your mother. Not POA. You should hire yourself an elder law attorney to help you. Your mother will also have to have representation as well. They always do this. The court can apppoint a lawyer for her if you don't get her one. She (or you) will be responsible for paying her lawyer though.

What will happen next is at the conservatorship/guardianship hearing the judge will ask you what the care plans for your mother will be. He will also ask her. If your answer is she gets around at home just fine at home with her walker and her little dog, you will lose and she will remain where she is.

The court will not even consider granting your petition unless there's a guarantee that she will have 24 care round-the-clock, or live-in care. So unless you can make this a reality, don't bother trying because you will lose.

You know you will have to regularly answer to the court if they appoint you as her conservator/guardian. You will have to show financcial records on how you pay her bills and what her money is spent on.

Your mother may do fine with homecare. She does have dementia though and it will get worse. She may not need to be in memory care, but she cannot be living alone.

Also, the memory care facility might put up a fight about losing her as a resident. They love when they get a nice, easy resident who isn't out-of-it eith dementia because it usually means they can still do some for themselves and require even less care than the minimal level most of these places offer.

Good luck to you and please talk to a lawyer. Know what you're getting yourself into.

PerryMason1987, welcome to the forum. Please fill out your Profile page, that will give us more information regarding your situation. As others on the forum had mentioned, to enter Memory Care the Staff has to see if your Mom would qualify for the care needed. And she was accepted.


I remember my Dad needed to move into Memory Care. It was Dad's home caregivers that told me his memory was failing, and that he was "show timing" whenever I was around, meaning I wouldn't see any memory loss. I am so baffled how those with memory loss can do that. Any way, I wouldn't be surprised if your Mom was doing the same thing, since you weren't with her 24 hours a day.


There is also something called "sundowning" where a person with memory loss will show memory loss when the sun goes down, and the next morning be more alert. My Dad also had that. He would climb into this time machine and go back to the 1940's. Numerous times he tried to leave the house, and the caregiver stopped him . I wonder if your Uncle had to go out at night and look for your Mom. Not easy to do at 91.


Please note, if your Mom says she wants to "go home". That means she wants to go back to her childhood home, to see her parents and her siblings back when they were kids. Learn all you can about Dementia, go to the green/blue bar at the top of the page, click on CARE TOPICS.... go to the alphabet and click on "D"... now find Dementia articles.

On dying at home: This is what my dad wanted to do, and he did at age 92. He had no idea how hard it was for me. And I had caregivers to help. Also a housekeeper once a week. Finally it was over.

So let's walk into his home, a beautiful South Florida villa. He'd been sick for almost 8 months. His hospital bed is on the sun porch. He loved to look out at the greenery and sky. The carpets are stained because he had accidents, bladder and bowel. Sometimes his bowels would just empty when we stood him up. We took precautions, the three and more caregivers and I. But it still happened. And food and drinks were spilled. He fell and bumped into things, leaving marks on the walls and furniture. His walker is in the corner. And the oxygen tanks. And the Hoyer lift. A stand to wheel his catheter bag when he walked outside. His suspenders tossed over the back of a chair. He needed them because his pants wouldn't stay up when he lost so much weight.

His medical supplies mingle with the food in the fridge. There are plastic bags of medical things and also morphine. Pills here and there, especially in the kitchen. Many bottles, many dispensers. All sorts of aids in the bathroom for toileting and showering. All kinds of bandages and boxes from catheters and other supplies. We had to make room for all the equipment throughout the house, so furniture and other items are piled in the dining room. We can't eat there. He can't either. 

The whole house smells like a sickroom. Bodily fluids, disinfectant spray to cover the odor. Antiseptics. Rubbing alcohol. Ointments. Paperwork from his hospitalizations. Folders pertaining to chemo, appointments. Large message boards for caregivers, for appointment reminders. Little papers with phone messages. Always dirty dishes to be washed, large bags of adult diapers to be disposed of (the garbage can, which was built into the ground, wasn't large enough for all that we needed between trash pickups). Always laundry to be done.

Dad crying that he wanted to die. Hospice doctors, nurses, a minister and PTs in and out. Never quiet in the house until nighttime. Difficult to leave the house to buy food, and I'd cook it only to have visitors stop by and eat it. Dad begging doctor to give him a shot to end it. Doctor saying no.

This is what dying at home looks like.

You can't jump 'dump' someone in MC, they are evaluated and are admitted if they meet the criteria. Why was your uncle POA and not you? Yes it would be overwhelming for a 91 year old to be POA and just because she is in memory care doesn't mean he has nothing to do. I didn't do too much hands on care but it felt like a full time job to just manage my father's life and he was in AL. If you had to be there every day she was not independent. This is about what she NEEDS and not what you and her WANT. I'm glad the 91 year old had enough sense to do what was needed.

Hi PerryMason,
Welcome to the Forum. I hope that you will fill in your profile all about yourself and about your Mom.
You say this to us "....The hospital said he had the last word because of the PoA. The task was to much for him. So he put her in there so he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. How do I get my Mom home where she belongs? "

This reflects that your mom's brother was appointed by your mom to act for her, and to act in her own best interests when she can no longer make safe decisions on her own. Your Mom is having memory deficits now, you tell us, and she's using a walker. While you are visiting her daily and making certain she is cared for and fed, there is much more to living in and maintaining a home than that. And neither your Mom nor her brother/PoA can handle those things, even with your solid support.

As an old retired RN I can tell you that a fall by a frail senior who cannot get back up until found perhaps 8-16 hours later, can result in a sore that goes down to the bone with necrotic tissue, sepsis, and subsequent death. That's just one dire circumstance that could occur with mom on her own in her own home. House fires are not uncommon. At times people wander outside and cannot find their way home.

Your mom has been safely and legally placed now. I hope against hope she can keep her little dog with her, or that you can care for it and visit with it. Would that we all could remain in our homes forever. I am 82. I understand with all my heart the wish to leave "feet first" as they say. But it isn't always possible.

I hope that your mother will adjust and like where she is, or at least be content. I hope you will as well, and will visit and come to see that this may be for the best. There is never a perfect answer in these things. But your mother chose the person she felt should/would/could act for her; he has done so. I would concentrate on supporting them BOTH in this last time.
I am so very sorry. Nothing has the "perfect answer". This is an imperfect world. I wish you all the best of luck ongoing. Do know that any fight for guardianship would likely be lost by you, and that it would cost perhaps 10s of 1,000s in cash up front.

My very best to you.

When a person is placed in memory care they are evaluated. Your Mom had to have been diagnosed with a Dementia which only worsens as time goes on. Eventually, if not already, she will become incontinent. Unable to take care of herself. And if she is saying she wants to go home, most people suffering from Dementia want to go home.

Dementia makes it hard for people to stay in their homes. Its too unpredictable. Its 24/7 care. Can you be there for Mom 24/7. If not then it means having shifts of aides. 3 shifts a day. Then different people for weekend shifts. Takes a lot of coordinating and then someone needs to call in sick or does not even show up. A 91 year old would not be able to do this. Could you?

Uncle was right to place her if she suffers from any type of Dementia. I think there is more to this story since you have been helping Mom for 15 yrs. You may be in denile. Your Mom gave your Uncle POA for a reason. Why not you?

A facility wouldn't accept her for MC if it wasn't the appropriate level of care for her.

Your Uncle does have the final legal say as her PoA. This is an example of why people should not assign PoAs who are close in age as themselves... because elders can get overwhelmed easily.

You can discuss with your Uncle for him to resign his PoA but then your Mom will need a legal guardian, which can be you -- but you will need to get it through the courts and it can be several thousands of dollars.

People who have been full-time hands-on in-home caregivers are giving you warnings that you need to take seriously if you are considering taking on guardianship and in-home care. I'm not telling you to not do it, but you need to go into it with your eyes fully open. She will get progressively worse, not just remain "forgetful".

I too am wondering why your Uncle didn't discuss things with you before he transitioned her... maybe it's not too late to have this discussion? He gets to decide what overwhelms him, but maybe he'll give you insights about your Mom's behaviors that you were unaware...?

I wonder why your mother made her brother her POA and not you. Your uncle is 91, let him live what little time he has left in peace and stop hounding him about your mother. Clearly he was unable to do it anymore. What happened to the dog? Did you take it in?

Your uncle is 91 for Pete's sake. Of course he could no longer handle dealing with his sister with dementia, as he's an old man.
Have you ever done 24/7 care for someone with a broken brain?
It sounds like your mother had been living by herself before being moved into memory care, which is so very dangerous. Your mother can NO LONGER live by herself, so if you were to remove her and bring her back to her home, are you willing to give up your life to move in with her and do the 24/7 care she's now receiving in memory care?
Be careful what you wish for my dear, as caring for someone full-time with dementia is not all fun and games but is hard work, and often best to leave to those better trained.
You may be a "firm believer that a person has the right to die in their own home" but right now it's not about you and what you "believe" but rather it's about doing what is best for your mother and making sure that she's receiving the 24/7 care that she now requires.
And I think you already know that that means leaving her right where she's at. Why don't you instead bring some of her favorite belongings from her home to make her room feel a bit more homey to her?
No one wants to see their loved ones in any kind of facility, and I'm sure if asked we would all prefer to die at home, but sadly life doesn't always end up the way we want, and we just have to learn to be ok with that.

She wasn't doing fine if you have been caring for her for the last 15 years, this is called false independence, you are her crutch.

We had to move our step-mother from AL to MC because that is where she needed to be, because we are not clinically trained, my brother & I could not provide the care she needed.

You don't get her home, you visit her and accept her aging process, everything in life cannot be as you want it to be. There is a big difference between "Wants" and "Needs", most likely she is where she needs to be.

Support your uncle, he had to make a hard decision for her well-being.

Was she living alone in her home ?
Exactly what were her issues that were overwhelming to your uncle ?

If you brought her home , would you be living with her ? If she is in memory care , she most likely can not live alone , and would need 24/7 supervision , meaning help would need to come when you wanted to leave the house .

Did the hospital say she could not live alone ? Is that what is meant by it was too overwhelming for your uncle ? It would’ve been too overwhelming for a 91 year old to have to supervise her at home because of her memory problems . The hospital will not send someone home to live alone if it’s unsafe . Sounds as if this may have been the case . So your uncle either had to make sure she wasn’t home alone or she needed to go to memory care . 24/7 hired help at home is too expensive for most folks .

Eventually your mother could not live alone because of her memory problems .
It’s very possible that time is now , which is why she’s not at home . Why do you think she doesn’t belong in memory care if she has memory issues ?

There is a difference between , what Mom wants and what Mom needs .

Have you told your uncle you are willing to live with Mom , with help from hired caregivers as well so you could leave the house sometimes ? Do you work ?

Without 24/7 care/supervision at home , Mom most likely needs to stay where she is .

The only way to bring her home was if your uncle agreed to it or if he gave up POA. But he can not give you POA . If your mother assigned an alternate POA that would be who would take over , only if your uncle gave it up . If he gave it up and there was no alternate POA on the document , a state appointed guardian would take over , or you could attempt guardianship through the court which does cost money . However, it’s extremely likely that you would not be able to have Mom living alone anyway . The court would say you have to live with her or have 24/7 hired help set up . Again, this is only if your uncle was willing to give up POA.

You could try for guardianship anyway , ( even if your uncle is not willing to give up POA ) however since your Mom is safe in a care home , it’s most likely that you would not win . If she was unsafe living alone at home, and your uncle wasn’t doing anything about it that would be a different situation where you could win guardianship .

It sounds as if you may be blinded by your mother’s wishes and not objectively seeing that Mom can not live alone at home anymore .

What do you mean "the task was too much for him?" What task? Was he doing her hands-on care? He put her in MC so he wouldn't have to deal with what?
You are saying YOU do her daily care, such as her meals, shopping and Dr visits. Was she wandering? Doing dangerous behaviors at home? Like starting kitchen fires, leaving water running and forget?

So why would her Uncle/PoA place her in a MC facility because she was "too much" for HIM? Is Uncle living nearby? Most people at 91 would get overwhelmed easily. Was she calling him, pestering him? What exactly was she doing to "overwhelm" her Uncle to the point he places her?
Especially when YOU have been doing the DAILY care for 15 years? She must have been doing something to her Uncle that was seriously upsetting him.

Others here will want more info to answer your question.