She says stuff like “what have you been doing today? Out shopping for finery? I guess I will have to find someone to take me to get some shoes, these have holes in them." I tend to her everyday. I have a husband that has heart failure and other significant health problems that I have to tend to also. I am beyond exhausted. I handle all her bills, issues with her home, doctors appointments, food shopping, etc.
And next time she says what have you been doing all day...out shopping for finery, you respond by saying yes and I had so much fun that I'm going to do it again tomorrow.
Also your husband/marriage should be coming before your mom, so perhaps it's time to tell mom that you'll be cutting your visits back to just 1-2 days a week. If she requires more care than that then it's time for her to either hire in-home help(with her money)or time for assisted living.
And if you don't start taking care of yourself, you're going to be the one dying before your mom and husband just from the stress. Then what?
Think about that.
This is an attention getter. Every time you have busted your backside the goal post moves. My mom has done something similar, " I guess I'll have to find someone to take me to the doctor." To which I once answered, "well the phone's already in your hand, have at it." I work 60 hours a week, with a little downtime here and there, and she has in home help 4-5 times a week, but yet, the ladies "can't take me."
Yes.
Yes they can.
I do all financial, property, doctor appointment making, bill paying, repairmen appointments, on line grocery shopping, computer help, and yes the occasional transport to the doctor - there's a lot that I do, but somehow there's ONE MORE THING that only I can do, according to her. But from the sounds of things she'll 'have to find someone' most of the time.
I started coming around with therapy and when I jokingly told myself, "I'm not 3 years old anymore, she can't outrun me."
You're not alone.
That's how a mature person would ask.
I've certainly met people that hint for things or ask in this kind of indirect way. I wonder if they use it to hide their embaressment? Or to disguise the anger they feel over being dependant? It's also quite manipulative imho. Attempting to get you to jump up & offer, saying "I'll take you shoe shopping" (so they don't have to do the hard work of ASKING).
I think I would nip this in the bud. Speak frankly: "Mom, if you want me to take you to buy new shoes, just ask me. Nicely".
Have a talk with Mom, looking her right in the eye. Explain that you too are a Senior and your running out of energy. Tell her your sorry but she is not #1. You have a husband approaching 80 with health problems you are caring for. You cannot run 2 households. Time to consider AL. They will take her to Dr Appts. She doesn't need to worry about upkeep on the house or groceries. She gets 3 meals a day and snacks. People to talk to and staff at her beck and call.
It may not work but u can try.
or just ignore it. She is miserable and of course since her world is smaller that she imagines all of the fabulous things you could be doing and at the same time ignoring her while you are doing these fabulous imaginary things.
My Mil does this and it’s super passive aggressive and narcissistic and it makes none of us want to call or talk to her.
or get creative and make up a bunch of really over the top things you did. Why yes mom, we flew to Paris for lunch. I had escargot. Then we drove to Dubai and did some shopping. Would you believe I spent a million dollars! That was fun. Maybe she is bored and wants to hear a funny crazy story.
All I HEAR is Cinderella,
From the moment that I get up
Till shades of night are falling,
There's never any LET up
I hear them calling, calling".
Or even mutter them to yourself; you must feel this way.
No one "puts a guilt trip on you". You accept it. Or you don't. You didn't cause your mom's problems and you should not feel responsible for them. This is a time for grief at losses, not guilt.
Time for a good long sit down letting your Mom know your boundaries and limitations, and speaking with her about the possible need for more help or for some placement to meet her needs. Honesty and gentle insistence of not speaking to one another in riddles will be key here.
You are currently enabling this behavior. Your Mom is using the manipulative keys she has to unlock the help she feels she wants and needs. You will have now to work together to get that help in some other way, and it won't be easy, will take the two of you working together in concert.
If she caught me reading, watching tv, swimming, napping, cooking, baking, et cetera, she’d blast me. ‘If you have time to <whatever>, you have time to do something for me!’ Even if I had friends over for a swim, she’d order me out of the pool. I complied to avoid her long, drawn out temper tantrums. Which, of course, was a mistake.
While she knows that you will do whatever, ‘anywhere she wants’, she knows that she is boss and you are a junior servant. If you don’t stop this, you are heading for a breakdown. Look at yourself, not her, to see how to change things.
Right ☹️
Aging brings grief associated with change and often this is expressed by aging parents by anger, control( where have you been etc etc), guilt statements etc etc.
If she comprehends, tell her that when she starts these conversations you will leave as it is unhealthy. Offer that you want a positive relationship, and know that her limitations asso with age and health are frustrating but, you are doing all possible.
Try, as hard as it is, to not take it personally. She is frustrated with her own status.
Plan a wellness vacation for yourself.
Let her know that you love her and you understand she is frustrated with not being able to do all the things she used to, but your husband needs you too. Tell her to please understand that you will continue to help her, but also need to help others.
If you can find someone else to help with her needs that would be great too. But, don't let it get you down. You are doing all you can.
It doesn’t matter how many things you do, or point out you do. If your mom wants to put you down, she’ll do it. You can show all the evidence of what you do to help her, she’ll still put you down, because it means she’s “better” than you.
Very hard not to listen, but try not to listen to that garbage, lies. It’ll get you down, which is what she wants. Then she’s not the only one who’s miserable.
One more thing:
If you would be her son doing all that, she would be hugging you and kissing you and praising you.
Some mothers see daughters as competition. A woman against another woman: let’s put her down, let’s destroy her self-esteem. Just like High School.
Keep in mind that we don’t have the power to change anyone else’s behavior.
Unless you’re dealing with a reasonable person it is unlikely that they will hear anything that you say. Any attempts will be futile.
Life has a way of toughening us up. We learn to allow remarks made by others to go in one ear and out the other.
Everyone has a breaking point. Step away and do something nourishing for yourself. You deserve it. Hit the reset button and start over when you feel refreshed.
Meet your priorities to achieve the proper balance in your life. Your husband’s health matters, your health matters. Take care.
Take all the time you can/need and "time" is precious.
My father had a line that would just burn me up . "I thought you needed something to do". I don't know if he was joking or being totally serious. I just know I found it highly offensive.
😡😡😡
And I bet your father never took care of his parents.
Have a talk with her and tell her plainly that you are tired of her crap and guilt-tripping. That she is not the only matter of importance in your life and if she cannot learn to be respectful and grateful for your help, you will not help her anymore.
Then you take a BIG step back like I had to with my mother. Let her figure it out. Many times ingrate and entitled seniors like our mothers that expect our lives to be sacrificed to their service, need to be shown a little tough love from their kids.
For their own good as well as ours.
Let her fail for a while. When she's ready to eat a little slice of humble pie and respectfully asks you to help her with something, then go and help her.
This is what I did and it improved my relationship with my mother.
She learned to treat me with some basic respect and gratitude or she will get nothing from me. Try it.