My brother is retired, has had a heart attack and now his wife is in the hospital. There is a huge age gap between my brother and I (I am 43 and have a 10-year-old daughter). I cannot take responsibility for my mother's care as I work full time and must to support my family. I also have my own health issues to deal with. My mother has had in home care for years, but he fired the company, and his daughter took over as my mother's caregiver. I live 30 mins away and have been staying with my mother every other weekend for several years. It is the most I can do because of my family and young daughter. Since my sister-in-law is in the hospital, I now am locked into every weekend at my mother’s. My mother has dementia and is blind from a stroke, she requires 24/7 care, she has no idea where she is or even who is with her at any given point. I am at the point where I feel a nursing home facility is best for all involved. I just don't know where to start, I don't know if her caseworker will even talk to me since I don't have POA. I just am trying to get some advice before approaching this subject with my brother. He chose to have her stay at home and for a while it worked but now that his daughter is the caregiver they automatically look to me to cover if they can't and I cannot miss work because of my financial responsibilities. I am at the point of breaking down with worry over the whole situation all the while trying to be supportive of my mother and my brother and family.
Good Luck with this. It's hard if the whole family isn't on board.
You could take some of the load off him by researching some skilled nursing facilxties in the area and presenting him with a couple of options. No doubt he and his family are overwhelmed right now, so taking that part of the load might make him amenable to making the change.
If your brother doesn't wish to do his POA work and wishes to change things, and your Mom suffers from dementia those changes cannot be done any longer. If there is to be another guardian that will be legal work you need to get done with the brother and an attorney. Your Mother's funds pay for that to be done.
Don't take on more than you can handle. Doing so has left you painted into a corner and you will have to be HONEST and BLUNT to get out of it. Tell them only what you can and can't do. As to the placement, that is currently on your brother's plate. I wish you good luck.
Blunt & direct seems to work to get the message across best.
Use the forum to get advice, settle your thoughts, then voice them. Speak UP & speak CLEARLY so your Mother gets the care she needs.
Your brother could feel he doesn't want to put Mom in a nursing home. Has he at least visited a nursing home? They aren't the asylums of decades ago. His Mom could even improve while being there. If brother wants to visit with Mom, he can whenever he likes, even have meals with her. The Staff are trained professionals.
You could mention to your brother that close to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring due to the demands of the job. Not good odds. Then what? His wife becomes a widow, his daughter loses her father, you lose a brother, and your Mom loses a son.
Do as much research as you can to find one or more that would have the ability to become a long term solution as well. Ideally, they would have the capacity to switch to Medicaid if necessary.
Share the information with the POA because you are concerned about what will happen if someone else has a crisis.
Then, follow some of the other advice about giving notice. Or just embrace the next crisis and refuse to start up again.
If the POA prefers to pay overtime, use another agency, or whatever, let him.
Firstly, Brother needs to get over himself!
He is NOT almighty - he cannot stop his Mother aging.
Secondary, Brother should get over his notion of *only family* can help Mother.
Or even worse.... only the women..?
He does not get to bully the family womenfolk to be the family servants!
Finally, if he holds any STUPID EGO IDEAS of I am the PERFECT SON because I will never put my Mother in a 'Home'.
Just stop that rubbish now.
He would be a better man to look past hisself. Stop hindering & actually HELP - by finding a plan that works for EVERYONE in the plan. Not just HIM.
End.