My brother is taking care of my Dad. We appreciate this, but I think he resents it. Has this happened to you?

Ach. I remember it well. I was my mother's caretaker (long distance!) and felt a similar resentment. My three brothers would show up for a dinner (that I made) and leave quickly afterwards, feeling as though they had done their duty.

All I can add here is that, no doubt, your brother is stressed to his limits. He probably has a routine that works for him and your dad. Alterations stress him more. And, your dad may very well not want changes in his routine, either. But, your brother DOES need help even if he can't admit it.

For me, I would have liked specific STATEMENTS of help (as opposed to offers). Example: "I will be in town in two weeks. I'm going to stay with Dad all day while you go to the movies and visit friends." Or, better still, "I bought you a night in a hotel (spa, casino) and will be take care of dad while you have some fun. No arguments."

Don't listen to his protests. He will be incredibly grateful that you made him take time for himself.

Good luck!!

I am 45 yrs old & the sole caregiver for my dad. He was diagnosed with dementia 6 years ago. We lost my momma just 2 & half years ago. I've been here in the home with them for 14 years, first it was my momma and now my dad. I have a sister and 2 brothers that are capable of sharing responsibility but they choose not to. They all live within 10 minutes of our home. Only 1 of those 3 even work. It has been over 2 weeks since anyone has even called to check on him. My amazing fiance who is the most selfless person I know is the sole assistance that I get. Resentful would be an understatement!!! The only thing that keeps me moving forward is the fact that he would have no one If not for me & I made a vow to him that I would make sure he was well taken care of.
One year ago I lost my right kidney to cancer, I just received a call from my Dr on Wednesday that my chest xrays & body scan have revealed "a spot of concern" on my lungs not to mentioned the 2 "spots" they will be addressing on my left kidney. I don't want to be a letdown to my dad; so I pray to God that He will carry me through the health issues I may be facing so that I carry out my promise to my dad. I must find the inner strength to keep moving. Even when I am scared to death and the uncertainties are definitely adding more stress to my life.
Your brother may feel as I do regarding calls. When they do call they will say they are available to help, or that they are coming by...... But those are only words. I want them to come cook 3 meals a day for him, do all of his laundry which can really add up or be here so he can argue with them when he don't want to take his meds or shower. Actions are what I want to see. So if I were you, I would pack up for a few days and just show up on the door step announcing that you are there to help and he can either use the time to renew himself or he will be having to look at you for a few days because you aren't going anywhere.

It is so disheartening to watch my dad & his entire demeanor change when he is expecting a visit from them & they are no shows; so now I never mention to him that they "are coming by".
Also I know when they do call its because they feel that they need to instruct me on something that needs to be done or maybe something they feel should be done differently and I know If I answer that call that I will explode with years of pent up resentments and frustrations which is something I will not subject my dad to hearing. So just show up, that will let him know that you are serious, you are committed and that you care. (& if by chance something unwanted is happening then element of surprise is a great tool).
Most of all, I think it will help you as much or more than it helps your brother. And you have no idea what a positive impact it will be for your dad. Hands on caregiving for you could possibly shed some serious light on exactly what your brother has been enduring. Take those few days and multiply them by ten thousand and you could get a better understand of why he just can't seem to find the energy or the desire to pick up that phone.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

This sounds alarmingly familiar. My brother was always in the basement and stopped answering our calls. My father never knew what he was doing. As it turns out, brother was a raging alcoholic and wasn’t caring for father at all. When confronted he would go back and forth from being angry to trying to be cordial. Keep your eyes open. Dad suffered a minor stroke and brother was useless. Worse, he lied about the course of events. Dad is now well cared for in AL; it took legal action to get brother Out of dad’s house. Wish we’d paid more attention earlier on.

Polar: Anyone under the strain of longterm caregiving may not be a " Bubbly Bert," for example. Give your brother a break. Caregiving is hard work.

Hi PolarBear,

I know this is ostensibly about your brother, and how you can reestablish a congenial relationship with him. I've been taking care of my disabled husband for 12+ years so I can empathize with him. I've gotten to the point where it is nearly impossible to accept help (although it would be nice if someone offered once in a while!). He only wants me and gets anxious (well, more anxious) at the thought of anyone else being with him --even our daughter, who is a nurse. And being his caregiver has become my primary identity, so relinquishing my role, even for a few hours, takes some effort on my part.

But I also empathize with you. When my mom was dying I lived on the opposite side of the country. My two brothers did all the caregiving. It was SO hard to be unable to do my part! Like you, I called often, but picked my times carefully, so my brothers wouldn't feel pestered. I made concrete offers of help, rather than just "let me know what I can do." For example, when they told me she was getting cold easily, I asked if they'd like me to send some new, super soft nightgowns and a bed jacket. I offered, during every phone call or email, to fly down and stay for a week or two. And I never stopped telling them how grateful I was, how sorry that I couldn't do more, that I understood what a difficult task it was and I knew they were doing the best that could be done for her.

All I'm saying is, although your brother's burden is much harder than yours, that doesn't mean that you aren't struggling too. Struggling to be of what help you can, struggling not to make things harder on him, struggling to be understanding and not to take things personally, and struggling with your own feelings of loss. If I have a broken leg and you have a splinter, does that mean that your splinter isn't allowed to hurt?

It's good and it's appropriate of you to be understanding of his situation and do the best you can to make things a little easier for him. And please don't give up on him completely, even though he is seemingly inviting you to do so. But I'm glad you are cutting back on the unproductive, phone calls. You are missing out on the opportunity to be with your dad and care for him during his decline. There is joy and honor in that, as well as burden. You are facing eventual bereavement too. You will need to deal with the aftermath, along with your brother--like handling the estate (whatever it is), sorting and disposing of everything neither of you wants, probably going through probate, etc. And with your brother's state of mind, that may be challenging.

It's good and appropriate to cut yourself some slack too.

This behavior you describe about your brother stinks of someone who is either currently financially abusing your father or is plotting ways to cut you out of a will.

Do you have access to your fathers bank accounts or stock accounts, etc?

If not, your resentful sounding brother may already have drained the accounts.

You might want to seek the advice of an elder care attorney.

Based on my experience with clients, the person uses their resentment to justify financial abuse or theft of assets.

It was your brothers choice to live closer to dad. It was your brother's choice to be a caregiver. He is obviously not doing the caregiving out of love for his father, otherwise he would not be complaining.

There is obviously some other reason and it is likely financial.

There are plenty of options, for your brother, if he is resentful of being the sole caregiver, but he likely does NOT WANT TO USE your father's assets for the your father's care.

In the USA medicare will pay for at home medical aides if a doctor says the person is too disabled, mentally or physically to care for themselves.

Therefore there is no reason for your brother to be doing all the caregiving.

If I were you, I would talk to an elder care attorney ASAP, particularly if your brother has medical or financial Power of Attorney.

A POA can be overturned if you can prove financial abuse.

Polarbear 123, there are so many good answers here. I was in a similar position as your brother for 7 years. It took six years and only when I was changing Mum's pads did it really sink in that I was caring for our Mother with Alz Dem and Bowel Cancer around the clock. My entire life had been altered and it has taken 3 years since Mum's passing to regain my life (my new life - you cannot go back). You were wise to ask advice on this forum - as you must truly want to see another perspective. Ultimately, there is only time / money and now I would add mindfulness. Mindfulness allows us to truly accompany another on their journey home and be a real companion. Otherwise there is only time and money. YOU must find a way to equivalence with your brother. Only then is there family healing and it will empower him to give your Dad the high quality of care that he so needs and deserves. Don't waste any more time, your brother may be pushed towards self harm or addiction and you will have another problem on your hands / conscience. And you will need to keep this hidden from yourself and it will twist your personality and cause regrets. This imbalance is dangerous to your soul. Don't imagine that there is a good option for long term care. On this site I hear advice all the time, "Time to take your Father / Mother in to long term care." That's the only crap I hear over and over on this site. Perhaps from others that have made this decision and somehow it eases there conscience. Finding good long term care is a needle in a haystack. Only Green House and Butterfly Homes and DementiAbility homes do it reliably. NEGLECT is the RULE. With Dementia you must be occupied every waking moment and no home can provide this - even with you visiting everyday. So you must SHOW UP with everything you are - go out of your way! Save yourself, your brother and your Dad. Then there will be no regrets.

Sounds like your brother is overwhelmed. Check into respite care, sometimes local churches or senior services offer it. A few hours here and there so he can get out, have lunch someone else prepares, go to his own appointments, take a walk, whatever. Or hire in a visiting angel type person. This may be a good solution if you are not ready to think of memory care.

Why can't you put a loved one in a nursing home, dementia is only going to get worse as time goes by. Sometimes the care givers died before the person they are taking care of

Sometimes, it's better NOT to hear from the siblings. When they call and as questions but do nothing to help, it makes the caregiver angry and resentful. It would help if you would set up a regular schedule with brother for you to take care of dad. It would give them both something to look forward to and brother will know he's not alone in this. As someone else said, express concern for brother's well being and ask him if he would like your help in making other arrangements for dad. (One caveat, if brother is a moocher and just there for what he can get from dad, he will not like your interference.)

I am in the same situation as your brother. Been a caregiver to my mother for over 10 years now. No one knows what a caregiver goes through unless they are in that situation. My siblings live far from us so it's difficult for them to help. They do whatever they can and I appreciate their help. Most important is that allow and trust me enough to let me do my caregiving. Do not criticize your brother's actions in taking care of your dad. Thank him, appreciate him for taking care of dad. Did your brother make this choice himself? When you are in town allow him some time for himself. Thank him for taking care of dad and tell him how much it means to you. My brother always thanks me and tells me that if it wasn't for me that he would not be able to live the lifestyle that he does. He admits that he could not "wipe" mom's butt. Let's me know that I am special. Most of the stuff that goes on in the head of the caregiver they sometimes take it out on others. Not all caregivers are strong enough to handle what I believe to be one of the most challenging of all "jobs." I don't like phone calls either since being a caregiver I now know where precious time should be spent. Not shit chatting on the phone. If you call make it short and sweet. Emails are good because it allows the receiver to reply at their convenience. Gives them space to get their thoughts in place before they speak out of emotional frustration. Give your brother room to taking care of dad and trust that he is doing a good job. It's not always about you or you dad. Sometimes it's about the caregiver. Good luck. Me, I feel like king shit that I can take care of my mother.

When you are a caregiver like your brother, you have no other life. All your thoughts, energy, and time are spent on the dependent one. The reason your brother doesn't take any time for himself, even when you're there, is probably because he has nothing left of "his" life and therefore nothing TO do. It seems to me from what you've said that the task has become too much for him. If you express concern for his well being, maybe he would consider Memory Care for your father.

It is not You Polarbear Who Your younger Brother is mad with it's the circumstances He finds Himself in.
Caring 24/7 for a loved one with dementia is a very tough cross to carry especially for a Man yet Your Brother does it because He is aware there is no one else and He feels trapped in a situation which must seem endless to Him, but
it will end and all too soon because death will come like a thief in the night. Dementia is a lousey diagnosis similar to alzheimer's and I pray a cure can be found some day soon. It is a real pity though Your Brother does not take time out when You do offer as He's running the risk of burn out. And finally the reason Your Dad feels anxious when He can not see Your Brother is because He is totally dependant on Him. and probably fears His Son may have wandered off and left. My own Mother Who had been diagnosed with alzheimer's used say to me "If any thing happened to you God forbid I would have no one to take Care of me" and I would reassure Mom that I would always there by Her side, and I was to the
end. Being a Carer to a love one and seeing them fail and fade as their condition worsens due to this awful disease of the brain is the most difficult of tasks and it breaks Your Heart yet it is so rewarding because One is left with so many beautiful memories of the many happy memories We shared.

Polar, after all you've read on AC you can't see the situation your brother is in?

Think back to the 'for God's sake don't ask him about me' phase. You must be able to guess what was happening. Your courteous and thoughtful enquiry, for example - to your brother that meant an hour and a half of being searched for and intruded on - in the kitchen, in his office, in the bathroom...

My best guess is that he daren't speak to you for fear he screams at you. And it's not *you* - it's the strain he's probably under, and that he's doing it alone. Can you get over there and see him face to face, any time soon?

I think you are probably right that he resents you living so far away. He has a lot of responsibilities taking care of your father. It can be overwhelming and when other family members can’t (in your case) or won’t (in mine), it gets very frustrating.

Can you try try to plan another visit and offer to give him a few days off? Let him get away - even if it’s only a night out.

Hi, being in a similar situation as your brother, I would also guess he is burnt out. What once worked may now just be getting too much for him, and it comes across in his behavior towards you. Sometimes I get so upset with my siblings I don’t want to talk to them or pick up the phone because I don’t think they can ever understand totally what a daily impact taking care of mom has on my life. Then I rationalize it realizing that they live far away and can’t help much. But one thing that does help..... I have a couple of siblings that often say “thank you”, or something like, “we don’t know what we would do without you there”, etc. VS a sister who never says a word of appreciation of any kind. It sounds trite, but just a little bit of acknowledgement goes a long way and can recharge my mental battery and soften my heart enough to keep pushing on. Good luck to you. This elder can is tough stuff!!

Thank you for your reply. Although I did stay there this past summer, it's a pity he did not leave more often for a break. He did leave for a number of hours one day, and overnight once, but I wish he would have left me alone with Dad for a number of days so that he, my brother, could have a rest.

Hi. I don’t have siblings. But my mother who lives with me does. My mom has moderate dementia. The person who is the full time caregiver goes through an enormous life changing event. It’s extremely hard. My mother is like your dad. She needs to see me , know where I am all the time. She writes down where and when I go out. It’s being spied on. The caregiver rationalizes that this is the dementia. Not the person. None the less, A feeling of entrapment happens. It can’t not. What I suggest to you , is to know that you can’t know what it’s like for him. It’s mostly all on him every day all day. Do what you can to give him a break. Don’t criticize. He’ll resent that. Not saying that you do. But for me. , when her siblings chirp in, I want to hang up the phone. They are not walking my walk.

He is burned out. Sounds like Dad is getting needy. Maybe its time for an AL or NH for Dad. His care maybe getting too much.

Yes, he is probably resentful. He is exhausted with the care he provides. He is overwhelmed, what about supporting him by providing time away for him say, two weeks a year? Pay for outside care once a week? So much you can do.