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My Dad had a stroke August of 2021, found on the floor of the house he lived in for over 60 years. He was in rehab until December 15, 2021. He came to live with us as he still had open pressure sores to be taken care of. He agreed at that point to move to our house in a different state (9 hours away). Fast forward to this month...he told me he wanted to go back to his hometown a couple of weeks ago and then brought it up again this weekend. I said, it would be easier if you would stay here in our town. I can help you find an apartment here...he replied his desire to move back. He is 91 years old, mild cognitive impairment. I give him his meds 3x a day, take him to all md appointments, pay bills, etc. I said if you ask 10 people that know you, what would they say. He does not want to hear that. Another piece, I think he believes that he will be able to drive back in his hometown since he still has a valid driver's license. He has had an assessment and was a long way from passing. His MD has communicated that driving is no longer an option. At one point in the past, he said well I can drive back home and it did not matter the results of the assessment or what the MD said. I said matter of fact, I will not let you drive here or there. It is not safe for you or for others on the road.
I want to be sensitive, I know this is a huge change for him. We all want to be able to be like we were 20 years ago. I think it is in his best interest to stay here but there is not the ability for him to understand and reason himself to that answer.
Looking for any guidance....Do I fulfill his wish and find something back there? Do I take a hard stance and say he needs to stay here?
Thanks!

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I have more questions than answers. Does he have any support system in place back home? Would he be going back to live alone in his house or would he be going into assisted living? Does he have friends in that area? How often would you be able to visit? Without driving how would he get to doctors' appointments, etc? Is there a real plan or does he just say he wants to go home? Has he established any friends, church, etc to ground him in your location?

He may be lonely living with you and your family. As much as everyone loves one another, he needs some people his own age and interests to talk to and, maybe instead of telling you he doesn't want to live with you, he's changed the conversation to he wants to go home. Better than finding him an apartment he may be better in an assisted living situation with the minimum level of care - meds, meals, cleaning. They would also offer some entertainment and transportation. He could do this in your hometown or, just maybe, in his hometown, although that does come with more complications. There probably is no easy answer to this problem.
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It seems dad is fixed on what he wants and now lacks the reasoning skills to understand fully why it’s a bad idea. It’s a sad place to be, longing for what was and won’t be the same again. Please don’t argue or try to convince him. Find a way to make him as comfortable and independent as he’s capable of being while near to you, perhaps an assisted living or other senior housing situation where he could form relationships with others in similar life circumstances. Don’t get caught in looping conversation that makes you both miserable. If he still has a car, sell it or at least get it out of his sight, it can only contribute to his unhappiness. Consider if a mild anti anxiety med would help his attitude, a low dose of Zoloft was a big help to my dad. I wish you both peace
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I really feel for your dad. Going home is such a strong instinct, especially at the end of life.

Make a list of everything you do for him from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to sleep. Ask him who would handle those things if he were back home.

I'd also get rid of his car asap. He'd be a danger on the road. If he owns a car, see if you can get him to give it to someone so driving wouldn't be an option. And just keep repeating that him not driving was the doctor and DMV's decision, not yours, not his.

I'm sure that he's aware he's declining. If you talk to him as an equal, trying to address all his needs, he may feel more heard and validated. Good luck!
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Quote the Rolling Stones to him:

You can't always get what you want,
But you just might find
You get what you need.


It's one of the most basic tenets of parenting -- telling kids they can't have what they want -- and now you have to move into the parenting role. You acklowledge their feelings on the subject, put you guide them toward what can realistically happen.

"No, you can't go back to your house
Yes, I know it's terribly upsetting
No, you can't drive anymore
Yes, I know it's terribly upsetting

So now, let's focus on what we can do --together."


That's how you handle it.
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I can't find the bit where you asked him about why he wanted to return to his home location? It should be in two parts: 1. what is drawing him back there and 2. is there anything pushing him to move away from your family/location?
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I’d be fairly certain that Dad has a lovely idea that ‘going home’ would mean he has friends, can drive around, and living in his home town will all be like it used to be when he was younger. Perhaps the way to deal with this is to make it happen for a week or a month. Can you find somewhere for him to stay (without the car) while he works out that things have changed? Friends are old (or dead), the home town has changed, there are obstacles about driving (put them there in advance).

Dad may be happy to come back to your area after all that. It’s a pain to organise (and pay for), but it might stop this particular problem. Good luck!
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Realistically can he care for himself if he were to return home?
If the answer is no then that is the end of the discussion.
Now to convince him that he must stay where he is.
Would Assisted Living be an option? If so take him on a tour of 1 or 2 places that you have narrowed down the options to.
Would he do well in a Senior Apartment? Or would you still be running and managing his meds and all the other day to day activities of daily living? If so that would put a burden on you and I am sure you don't need that.
That leaves remaining with you in your house.
Tell him that if the doctor clears him to drive then you will consider a move. (from your post this does not sound like it would happen so it just placates him for a bit) when the doctor does not clear him the "bad guy" is the doctor that won't let him move.
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"Do I fulfill his wish..?"

My usual answer is put a hat of Common Sense firmly on before assessing any wishes.

Then, sit Dad down & have HIM tell you HOW he is going to accomplish all the steps to make HIS wish happen.

You don't have a magic wand.. so if HE wants this happen, HE must DO it.

Tricky, eh?

Either he can. And you wish him luck as he boards the plane home... Or reality arrives & he starts the process of adjusting - of grieving for his old life. Hard but this is old age! Be his shoulder to cry on 😞💙.

I don't know if this will help, but here is another poster going through similar.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-have-talked-to-my-mom-recently-about-assisted-living-she-tells-me-she-doesnt-want-to-do-that-she-w-477742.htm?orderby=recent
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mom2mepil Oct 2022
Beatty, well said! I stumbled onto this exact approach with my own Mom last week, and I was shocked at how well it worked. Mom has moderate Alzheimer’s. After moving her four times in less than 8 years, with the final move being the one she did not want—into assisted living because she had reached the point where independent living was not at all safe anymore—I was exhausted and completely used up. All those moves, the first three of which she chose for herself, consumed months of my time and energy and only resulted in new problems cropping up for Mom that she expected me to drop everything and solve for her.

Last week, she began calling me over and over, telling me she urgently needed to move from her apartment on the first floor at Assisted Living into a larger apartment on the second floor. She said the move was urgently needed so that she could live closer to her friends, who live on the second floor.

I did not answer her calls and let all of them go to voicemail. There was *NO* way I was putting myself through another nightmare move just to save her the 20-second elevator ride from the first floor to the second floor. (Mom has no mobility issues at all and can walk all over the place, climb stairs, etc. with no problem, so this “urgent need” to move upstairs was truly a wish, not a need.)

When I didn’t immediately respond, Mom started calling my sister and my best friend, leaving messages for them about the “urgent move.”

It took about two days for the frustrated, irritated “screaming” in my head to die down. At that point, I decided that, while there was no possible universe in which *I* was going to make that move happen, it would probably be kindest to let *HER* figure out why, for herself. So I took a deep breath and texted my mom back, acknowledging that I understood that she wanted to move to the second floor. Then I asked her, “How will you move all your furniture and other belongings up there?”
Mom said she would see how that could be arranged and would get back to me.

Three days later I received a text from her: “I think it will be easier to just stay on first floor. But thank you anyway. 👍”

So for once, I didn’t have to be the slave or the bad guy. I just handed her the responsibility for taking on the mental and physical load to make her wish come true. I knew she wouldn’t be able to do it, but letting her figure it out for herself worked much better than me saying no. Whew!
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From what you describe, your dad is unable to properly care for himself without assistance. IMHO it would be a disaster waiting to happen to allow him to return to his home.
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His doctor should have filed a medical report to suspend his drivers license for his and other driver's safety. Sell his vehicle or at least disable it so he cannot start it. Does he want to be near his friends? Any of his relatives? It's better to look into a facility or get paid care at home at this stage of your Dad's life.
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My dad started the same dialogue every time we visited him in IL and then AL. He wants to go back to his hometown where he knows nobody but insists he has friends. He calls me 3-4 times a week for something he has to have while in AL. At first we tried to reason with him, and now we just change the subject. He hasn’t brought it up for awhile, but I’m sure he will come back to it. It’s irresponsible to let him move there. He would be too far away from any family for us to help him. So, our answer is and will continue to be a resounding NO. My dad will be 97 in two weeks. He started talking like this at 92 after my mom passed. At first, we told him if his doctor said okay, we would move him. Well, his doctor said yes as he didn’t have dementia and he had free will. His doctor said generally they realize their mistake and then will return. Of course the doctor didn’t take into account the exorbitant cost to move and then come back, not to mention the trauma to dad and the extreme hassle for us. The bottom line is that from here on out, your dad is only going to decline and he should stay where family can help him because you can’t trust a caregiver who knows your dad doesn’t have any family close by. Your dad wants to go back in time where he was once very happy and he has lost his reasoning skills.
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If he is of sound mind, he is entitled to make his own decisions about his life. Make sure all of his paperwork is in order before he leaves, and while he is still capable of signing legal papers. He needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, have a living will with his advance medical directives, and a will if he has assets. I'm assuming you would be his POA. You can also offer to take over his finances. If he agrees, set up all of his accounts online and paperless. Have all bills sent to your address if they can't be paperless. Ask for a credit card on his account with your name on it so you can purchase things for him. If he does go back to his home, he may find that he is less capable of caring for himself than he was before the stroke. Would he agree to have in-home caregivers helping him out with cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc.? Medicare/medicaid will provide some, but may not cover all of his needs. Depending on his area, there may be services to drive him to places he needs to go (shopping, doctors, etc.) It will be much more difficult for you to oversee his care if he moves so far away. But even if he decides to stay with you permanently, he'd need help selling and vacating his home, and car and downsizing. All the best to the whole family!
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No. If he really was able to be on his own he would have moved himself back.
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My mom and MIL are both 82, and both recently widowed. I find they are both talking about traveling and visiting with old friends. I have made repeated offers to take them to visit, but that they would need to actually set a date with the friends. Neither one has made any effort in that regard, so we haven't gone anywhere and they continue to visit friends via phone calls.
If you agreed to his moving, and possibly even started with some easy tasks, (I brought home a box for you to start packing) I feel that at his age and care level he would lose the interest in this. It may be more of retaining his control over his life and being "the parent" than an actual move.
Explaining roadblocks in detail as it pertains to them, not you, also helps. Such as, "This will be a two-hour flight. We will need wheelchair escort service at both airports. I cannot afford a luxury rental car. The condo is on the second floor with no elevator." I don't tell them no, but compare the situations with their daily realities.
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mom2mepil Oct 2022
Excellent recommendations. I love the, “I brought home a box for you to start packing.” I think I would add something like, “You’re going to need yo get some tape.”
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My father, who had Alzheimer's disease. Kept asking to go home. I finally asked him what he needed to do at home? He answered that he needed to help plant the crops. This last happened when he was living at home as a teenager--over 60 years ago. I told him the farmer next door was helping and the crops were already in the ground (a partial fib.) He settled down after that.

So, my point is to find out more about what "home" means to your father. This may then help you meet his needs and also keep him safe. For instance, if he misses friends, plan a visit perhaps, or phone call, or video chat.
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If he failed his assessment, he may not have a valid license anyway. You need to remove his car from his sight and care. As long as he knows he has a car, he thinks he has a plan to leave at any time. Tell him he can not drive because he failed his assessment.
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I would not respond because it's a hot button topic...........every time he brings it up, run to your bedroom and do 20-30 push ups! Or change the subject by asking questions about any current events.

If you haven't met with an Elder Law Attorney and Geriatric Psychiatrist, it is time. It's also time to sell the car so that there are no issues with that and get his doctor to notify the DMV that he is not to be driving any vehicle. This tug-o-war may require medication..........especially with the driving issue.

It is time to get him signed up for Medicaid and find out how his financial situation will affect that request. Perhaps he would be happier (or more content) to live in Assisted Living before he moves to Memory Care where he can be around people his own age and find a group to hang out with and do activities. Perhaps a few field trips might show him a different way to live that isn't his home or yours. Test the waters with day care?
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He may be wishing to return to the independence he enjoyed pre-stroke. Looking at your list of tasks, he would need to move into a skilled nursing facility in his hometown. You could take him on a tour of skilled nursing facilities near you and explain he would need to move into a place "like this" if he moves out of your home. It will either help him to accept your home as his, or help him understand the limitations of his "new home" should you honor his stated wishes.
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needdirection6: Here on the forum we see requests from elderly parents similar to your father's routinely, e.g. the elderly parent wants to remain in control of their motor vehicle 'come heck or high water.' His medical doctor has already said that he should not drive. Your father suffered a stroke and depending on the type (ischemic or hemorrhagic) and other medical data, he could have a recurrent stroke; that, in and of itself, would be a deciding factor for me to not let him return to his prior home nine hours away.
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Can you plan a trip to his hometown to visit some landmarks and maybe people if any are still around?
Seeing how it's changed might make him change his mind about moving there. And just seeing it again might fulfil his wishes.
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