My Dad with dementia had his second intestinal blockage last week.. the first one was in January and cleared and he was able to go home and eat normally .. until last week.
This week has been like being in hell.. there are so many things I'm dealing with now. I am medical power of attorney so had to ultimately make the decision to go on palliative care (although this is what the doctors recommended as he would not live through the surgery required to fix this).
So enter all the uninvolved siblings. One who hadn't even seen my Dad in 5 years. The other 2 have fairly limited involvement with my parents (who are both in memory care with dementia).
My siblings and I had a conference call and everyone seemed to be on the same page... I took him for the 2nd time to the ER.. 8 hours there.. then they admit him..and put him on an IV and see if it clears again. The next day his stomach was soft so they gave him some food and he projectile vomited.. he was supposed to be released that day.
And so he went down hill from there. My sister started to get crazy. She started to blame me, she even called me a murderer for putting him on hospice. Said that if I cared about him I would do everything to save him... kept texting me to take him off hospice, got a wild idea she would take mom and dad home with her (to save them from me and my bad care)..take him out of the facility they are in and move them a thousand miles away.. this was just a few days ago mind you.
The other sister (the one that hasn't even seen my dad in 5 years) started to text me about that she needs to see his living will, his power of attorneys, all paperwork. All this while my Dad lay dying. After I had to go through the hospitalizations all alone, I had to have an emergency call to my attorney because this really scared me. She was planning something. My attorney said she didn't have a chance to do anything as my POA's would stand.
All this and now my Dad is dying probably in his last days of life. I was his caregiver for the last 5 plus years, by his side through everything. He is almost like my child now. The others don't have the relationship with him that I do, but they sure like to play up the tears. They take time up in his room and when I go there I am uncomfortable with them there. Both sisters who were uninvolved in care questioning every move I made with them.
Its so hard. I feel so alone. They are banned together and in town, hanging out together. Although I can't imagine spending time with them now, they have said things that can never take back.
Nobody cares how I am doing. I am grieving and this is hitting me harder then I ever thought. I never imagined my 2 sisters turning on me like that in the worst possible time. I knew they were both extremely selfish, but this is unimaginable.
I am in a very similar situation. I just wanted to send you love to help you through this difficult time. Fortunately, I have 1 great sister and 3 not-so great siblings. My friends and colleagues have been very supportive. Still, it's a long, hard haul. Let's walk this journey together. I am here if you need to vent. Take good care of yourself. I had a massage today... have you had one lately?
Much love and light to you!
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
If you're like me, the shock and disbelief of what they've said and done is overwhelming and the hardest part to deal with. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've had to just accept that my sisters weren't the people i thought they were. They damaged our relationship in ways that can't be fixed. Best wishes to you.
If you already have POA for your mom, be sure to exercise it. Tell the facility your mom is not to leave the premises with any unauthorized individuals (siblings included) for fear that they will remove her from care.
Be there and be as calming an influence as you can with your folks. Dad especially. Those in hospice need calm, soothing environments. My MIL just passed a couple weeks ago after 2 weeks in hospice (colorectal cancer stage 4).
I think you and the physicians are wise to forego surgery. 13 years ago, my grandmother had a bowel obstruction at age 84. She seemed ok for surgery. But still, after surgery she was put on life support. Tubes and wires, machines breathing for her...her last days were spent this way. She passed a few hours after being removed from support at doctor’s advice. She never did wake up after surgery. Would have rather she not have gone through a painful surgery and a tube down her throat for her last days. You are, I believe, doing things right by your dad.
Get things sorted with Mom, provide comfort and then grieve for your Dad. Your siblings can fuss all they want, but if they truly cared they would have had more power in all this to begin with. Keep the focus, keep your faith, and know you have everyone here for you. Much love and peace.
Dad is still with us and struggling.
One of my sisters (the one that wanted to move mom 1000 miles) came to my door today out of the blue.. wanted to make up and apologized. We went out to eat and talked.. then.. at the end of the meal.. she brings up..Mom moving 1000 miles away.. again. Says she can better care for her since she isn't working. etc etc
Now I am pretty sure the only reason she came over is to weasel her way to move mom.. she really thinks she can do a better job. There is no way I will let her go with her.. a couple of days ago she seemed so unstable.. the one calling me a murderer.
I think she sees how it is now.. with all these visitors.. and me calming mom down... and thinks this is how it will be in the long run.. think again.. everyone will slide away quickly.. the drama aspect will be gone.. it will go back to being mundane care .. and she will want to move on to something else.
The more I think of it the madder I get.. I was thinking at first she actually cared about me.
I told her when you caregiver for a long period of time.. they begin to seem like your child.. you grow. a bond with them. I told her I am also going to grieving my Dad who was an everyday part of my life for many years. My mom and I need each other and if moved away she will leave everything that is familiar to her.. of course this fell on deaf ears.
She also was telling me of all the get togethers and fun they all had through the week.. of course leaving me out .. and no prob with that. I feel like I fell into her trap.. thinking she cared about me for a brief moment.
;
Finally figured it out. I finally understood what he meant.
BREATHE TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME, QUALITY DAYS.... REMINISCE
We all seem prepared for it, but we really aren't. It's one parent first... ok... then zap the next one goes 2 -15 years or so, and instantly - ORPHAN! These feeling will subside at some point. Then just talk to them. It feels good. good times and not so good times, but i think they hear us.
One step at a time. tell him he is loved. do not argue.... just say I love you dad. I will see you tommorrow. It is ok.
Hopefully you can see him to tomorrow.
This was planned way before you took your job as POA.
YOUR JOB NOW IS - KEEP DAD COMFORTABLE. ` HOSPICE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED. THEY DO THE EVALUATION, YOU SHOWED THEM THE POA, NOW HAVE --POLST--- on board, PHYSICIANS ORDER LIFE SUSTAINING TREATMENT. BIG PINK SLIP.. DOCTOR MUST SIGN IT. AND MAKE COPIES, YOU KEEP THE ORIGINAL. SEND WHOOEVER WANTS IT ,A COPY WITH DR. PHONE NO ON IT. TWO MORE COPIES ONE OVER HER BED AND ONE IN THE FOLDER.
THIS IS CALLED LIFE IN THE RAW... Yup, I was your sisters. I called my bro every day and his wife b*thcing ME out cuz they didin't want to hear my nonsense. What is going on with dad..... Dad came home. My other brother and me took care of him as well as we could.
FIL COMES DOWN WITH CANCER. my hands are tied. not my dad. mil comes down with something. not my mom. But I have to keep their tummies working right. and MY mom. hers too. Making protein shakes to help fix all of them.
YUP --- THEY ALL HAD THEIR KIND OF CANCER..... IM THINKING ALZ IS A FORM OF CANCER. YOU GOT TO CALL IT AS YOU SEE IT.......
HOSPICE IS GOOD. THEY GIVE YOU TH EXTRA HELP SIBLINGS CAN'T, they will give you what dad needs. they will evaluate in a couple months.
PALLITVIE CARE ...... is in the between stages of taking LO to doctor or doctor to your house. EITHER WAY U ARE IN GOOD CARE.
THIS IS THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE (family's life) STAY IN YOUR SEAT, BELT ON. NO LOOSE ARTICLES (cus you know they will start flyin aroung), all hands and feet inside the ride until it STOPS !!!!
EVERYONE AND I MEAN EVERYONE WILL SAY;;; BUT IF YOU DID THIS....
Yes, I did this. Doesn't help anything.
DAd will get tired, and slow down. it happens, confustions, frustration. it happens spend the quality time with him NO ARGUMENTS NO RAISED VOICES.
BE HAPPY DO NOT CORRECT HIM
FEED HIM =TASTY THINGS WHATEVER HE LIKES.
BS things can be taken back if honest.. A P O L O G I Z E
Just know in your heart, you are one taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY
IT IS OKAY. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.. YOU WERE THERE WHEN DAD NEED SOMEONE MOSTLY IN HIS CORNER..... TAG U R IT
Katie, you are being abandoned, accused, sanctioned, criticized, set up, mocked, ridiculed, scorned and abused in a similar fashion as was the Lord of Life.. And why? Ultimately it is because Satan hates families. He will tear them apart any way he can. And he's going to pick a time when we are most vulnerable, so we need to resist his devices and ask our Father for help.
Close out the distractions with a wall of prayer. Soften your heart with the sunshine of God's infinite love, and water theirs with tears of forgiveness and compassion. For the sun shines and the rain falls on the righteous and the wicked alike. Let there be healing and saving grace for your family at this time, is my prayer for you all, in the loving name of Jesus, Amen.
It's the doctor's job to explain this, not yours. Peace to you!!
I am sorry about your dad and I am so sorry that your family don't understand what is really going on with your dad's health. I am afraid that is probably what really is going on, your sisters don't understand that your dad is not strong enough for surgery and just how long the surgery could take; how anastasia could affect your dad and just how many things can go wrong. There is no guarantee that your dad would survive the surgery. If his Dr highly recommended hospice then he/she believes that your dad probably won't make it off the table. Sorry!
Your sisters might be scared not saying your not because it is extremely hard to be the one who has to make life and death decisions, especially being your dad. I wish your sisters were supporting you, however, sorry to say, your situation is not uncommon. During life stressful events such as this can make a family rip each other apart.
After my dad passed my mother and brother turned against me and I felt so betrayed by my mother. It broke my heart. The worst part is, I felt like I got side blinded by my mother and I don't think I will ever get over it. But I know the Lord was and is with me as He is with you. This to shall pass.
Please take care of yourself. I know right now you are hurting because of your dad and because of what your sisters are doing. But someone once told me, you only have to answer to God and yourself and God knows the truth and you know the truth, that is all that matters.
Remember you are doing what is best for your dad out of love!
God bless you in your time of need.
Hugs!!!
Sending good thoughts your way tonight. Walk in peace. I suspect years from now, you'll be the only one who can look back at your actions without embarrassment.
And as smeshque said, “Let them play their parts, you know the truth.”
Indeed, your poor mother. The Greek chorus and all their play-acting is probably (literally) making your mother’s head spin. Chaos and drama are very difficult for a dementia patient to process.
Biggest hugs, katiekay. 🤗You are a wonderful daughter. 💙
The doctors recommended. (highly recommended) against not having the surgery... add to that he is an 87 year old man with co morbidities. ..and dementia.
I know I did the right thing.. but it is so hard to have my mom look at me and with a shaky voice say.. why can't he have the surgery?? he is strong enough?? and my siblings just sit there and be judgmental.. like he was dying because of me.
Your sister said it herself, “She was not there!” Who was there? You! You were always there! I’m so proud of you for not second guessing yourself. Hold your head high, Katie.
Your mom doesn’t deserve any of this mess either. I feel for you and your mom.
I understand the additional stress this may be creating, but you need to take care of yourself. I have a very similar situation with my brother and have decided to just block and ignore him. My health is more important and you must find a way to let it go.
Good luck and God bless you for being a caregiver for your Dad...
I just came from seeing my Dad. I got there early because I knew there lazy asses wouldn't be there. Eventually a couple of hours later they showed up. My Dad started to talk some.. just a few words.. not much.. and they all crowded around to see if they would be the one he responded to. My 2 no good sisters started their histrionics crying and carrying on.. then my brother starts bawling.. then my sister in law (brothers wife) starts crying.. then they all comfort each other.
Me and my mom just sitting there. With all the hystriocics my mom starts shaking. I had asked the nurse if mom could have something for anxiety so she could get some rest. The nurse came in and my sister was rude to her and said she needed to be awake so she could visit with her company... my mom looked so tired.. (she also has dementia and is in the same memory care as my dad).
I know some say I should kick them out of the memory care.. and I could. The only reason I haven't is for my Dad.. he gets something out of talking to them and still probably sees them as the kids they used to be.. as does my mom.. not the vipers they have become.
I excused myself and left and I am back at home. I will probably stay here till this evening and hopefully they will leave by the time I go again. It literally sickened me to see them crying like that. Obviously they have bonded over there lack of care for them during the years.
I had a red mist moment for you just then, reading your post, and my imagined response to the Let Me Through I Will Save Him You Murderers sister was "if you can't calm down, f**k off." Even if you are not the sort of person who would send or say this, I do think it would help you to think it as you calmly delete her texts or voicemails.
Bureaucrat sister - tell her you're fine with that. Soon as she likes she can come and get the keys, pick up the paperwork and browse to her heart's content. But, she'll have to forgive you, you're a bit busy right now. What with your father's end of life to cope with, alone, and everything.
I'm sorry, I'm afraid I won't be helping, but I'm just seething for you. Don't be deflected by this crap, do whatever you need to do to ignore them.
When I first started my caregiving journey, I kept my BILs apprised of what was going on with their parents thinking it would help my husband. It didn't. So now that it's just FIL, hubby and me, I keep to myself. When a do-nothing comes fishing for information, I quickly excuse myself and end the conversation.
Katie - you know the truth and you know what's important. Do not let your sibs distract. You do not need to explain yourself - or your dad - to your sibs. You are your dad's POA and no one is entitled to see his private information. All of that will be a job for his attorney after he has passed.
You are a good daughter. Remember that.
Your siblings are vultures. Grotesque manipulators, one masked in guilt and one in greed. It blows my mind that they have turned up just waiting for his last breath
Be strong and face them down. Take your love and devotion for your father and turn it into strength. Or, if you like, to quote a good Aussie phrase
tell them to bugg”r off
PS. I am pretty sure as POA you can order that they are not allowed to visit your father