Hello,
My dad (71) lost his long-term partner last month after years of failing health issues (diabetes, ESRD, multiple amputations). He was her caregiver nonstop and I know that it has been years of compounded stress for him. He still works full-time and is active in his community and with friends. It has only been a month since she passed but I find that he is repeating stories to me or asking the same questions that he did last week. Am I being paranoid about dementia or is his brain foggy from years of stress and grief?
For context, I am an only child who lives out of state so I don’t see my dad that often. Also, my mom passed last year from Parkinson’s so I do find that I’m extra anxious/paranoid about a similar situation with my dad.
Personally I don't think my culture is comfortable talking about or acknowledging grief well.
I went to a Orthodox funeral once as a young person. I was shocked to witness the deep grief being expressed, everyone dressed head to toe in black, the men openly crying, the woman wailing. The Mother lay on the floor at one stage.
This differed to the only other service I had seen. A respectful & quiet event. A quiet acceptance of loss with a few silent tears.
A known measure is 12 months. That at least 12 months will pass before adjustment happens. It can take a long long time for a mind to adjust & a heart to heal. ❤️
My mom also had Parkinson’s disease. She died in 2021. It’s extremely difficult to see our mother’s declining with this awful disease.
My Mom (94) felt depressed rescently and asked to try something. PCP started her on the minimum dosage of Lexapro. It has helped her noticeably and she says it's helping.
Our close friend lost his wife of over 40 years and experienced forgetfulness and repeating questions. He was 65 then and is now 82. It took approximately 2 years for his brain fog to clear up as he adjusted to life without his wife. The constant forgetfulness and repeating the same questions over and over caused some people to think it might be dementia but it wasn't. It was grief.
Our sister-in-law, same thing. She lost her husband of 51 years in 2021 and she went through the same thing as our friend. She's 81 and is still experiencing some of those forgetful issues and repeating questions but it's not as frequently now. Our nephew also thought she might be heading into dementia but we assured him it was grief. She lives 4 hours away from us so we check in often by phone. Plus she has an active life with friends that keeps her going. She's gotten much better.
My mom is 86 and we lost my dad in January. They were married 67 years. So far she's managing well. She's just quiet and sleeps a lot. She's actually not as bad with the forgetfulness and repeated questions as the other two above. Grief is different for everyone.
I hope that you are right about your mum, however please bear in mind that sleeping a lot can also be a sign of dementia.
My mum has vascular dementia and, if it were an Olympic sport, could sleep for Great Britain! She has been sleeping much of the day since she had a major stroke that caused brain damage 13 years ago.
She has days when she doesn't sleep as much, but these aren't that frequent. Mum gets up at a reasonable time and doesn't go back to bed, but falls asleep in her chair. She still sleeps through the night.
One typical symptom that she rarely does is repeat questions, or repeat herself in any way. Because she's "quiet and sleeps a lot". Nevertheless, her cognitive decline is continuing.
I know that your mum is grieving, but it would help her mental, emotional and cognitive health to be involved with social activities - seeing friends and family, joining an elderly centre for activities and a chat, etc. The more she uses her brain and social skills, the better.
Wishing you and yours all the best.
The first two years are brutal.
Just stay in touch, that's all you can do.
Also, grief dehydrates people because when you don’t feel like eating you also usually don’t feel like drinking anything either.