We got him to new rehab and he doesn’t have dementia. My mom found out a local nursing home takes Veterans and a Vet services pays the cost of the nursing home. My Father thinks he will leave after his rehab which has just finished and he’s better than ever. He does need some assistance transferring from the wheel chair to bed and bathroom. He can walk some. My Mother is 89 and my Dad is 93, we had coverage at home before he got a urinary track infection that put him back in the hospital. The home is handicap place. My mother has been lying about Dad's fate and we just learned she’s not going to let him back home. They own the house, my Dad gets over $5000.00 a month in his name which she now controls. He wants to come home. That money can be used for his care at home. What can we do to get Dad back home? He’s a proud WWII veteran, once he finds out.. it will kill him.
I understand that you are concerned about your Dad and what he needs and wants. He may very well have shown signs of dementia after his stroke. It may have been best that your Mum's POA was triggered when he was first in Rehab. I know my Dad when he has a stroke was incapable of making decisions for several months.
The UTI could also have induced dementia like symptoms, that is quite common in seniors.
Who do you think Mum is lying to and what is she saying to them? Is she saying she cannot manage if he comes home? Could you give up your life to have him live with you?
We just went through similar conversations with my Mum. Was it reasonable to expect an 84 year old woman to provide care for an 84 year old man? No, it was not, even with aides coming in 3-4 times a day. He was kept in hospital and passed last night.
No one can assign power of attorney for someone other than that person. Did the facility have Dad sign a document? If they’re the ones who said he has dementia, the papers are worthless. Are you certain it’s not emergency guardianship?
If Mom is competent to make decisions, you must abide by them. It’s not your call to say she has to take Dad back home and care for him. I’m sure this is not a decision she has made lightly. Under no circumstances hand her a bunch of guilt over her decision. It’s not your call. Respect her, support her and keep your opinions to yourself.
Your poor mom! She is 89! Think about her needs. Unless as someone stated above you are willing to give up your life to move in and help her out.
You dad may agree to stay if it is presented that his wife (your mom) is not physically able to care for him but can see him often when visiting. He may agree just because it makes his wife’s life easier.
Look at this from your mother’s perspective and respect her wishes. Sometimes it’s not what they “want” but what they “need”.
Is there any particular reason you're being so tough on your 89 year old mother? What has she done to deserve your apparently complete lack of sympathy towards her?
His various illnesses will cause his demise at some point, but staying in a well run nursing home with 24/7 medical supervision is not going to kill him.
Why do you think that?