My father is almost 96, has Alzheimer's and insists on living in his own home. Any advice?

You may need assistance from technology until he is ready to go. I have heard decent things about Jitterbug and FotoDialer. Jitterbug is a cell phone for the elderly while FotoDialer is more geared towards a landline situation (it connects into the existing landline and dials by pressing a button next to the wallet-sized photo of whomever they are calling).
This may at least alleviate some pressure he feels. It would also help you feel more at ease since he is declining.
Good luck!

I am sorry for your problems. If he has Alzheimers and he does the things you state, it is obvious someone must look after him. Please consider getting him placed into an Alzheimer's facility as opposed to coming to live with you. I can assure you without any doubt if you bring him home, your life will be destroyed. You will never again find any peace or freedom. He will get worse and what happens to you then. I see people like this in the facility I live (assisted living) and being at home is horrible for the caretakers. And if he has Alzheimer's, I doubt he will remember very long or often that he is no longer home. You need help and you need it now - please find a place for him. YOU must take control and act for the welfare of both of you - there is no other option.

Wish you had a caregiver support group to attend like I have now...so much great info. Where is your Dad's primary doctor in all this? Demand some help from them!
Just hired Seniors Helping Seniors for my 90 year young in denial dementia Mom and she loved her generation company much more than me!
They can get thru the stubbornness and possibly shift & lower the resistance ..a professional interventionist may be your last tool...you are a great son...start knocking on these doors and you will find a good way thru this nightmare....

Juana
I agree with advice on other posts to take charge. This sounds like my Father who is now in care facility.
They will never ever agree that they cannot manage alone.
I tried everything to keep him at home . He ended up in hospital a year and a half ago. I used my Power of attorney to ensure he did not go home. I knew if he did he would never leave it and I could not physically lift him out. I now know from scan at hospital 're gently following a stroke, he's got severe brain damage and vascular dementia. I sensed a long time ago his behaviour was not reasonable but doctors did not pick up. He has always had lucid days,not so often now, where he was convincing and you think he's fine. I diary every contact and what is said and have done for 3 years. When I read it all now it seemed obvious there was something. Hindsite a great thing. Go by your gut feeling. I should have. I've put up with loads of abuse. Water off a ducks back now. I still care about him but have set boundaries for me. You have to. Stay strong.

The answer is not waiting for an accident to happen. You must now take control as it is very apparent that he cannot live alone. The house is in severe disrepair. He's liable to start a fire, too.

He definitely does not to be living alone! You need to seriously think about taking him into your home, my dad has been living w my husband and myself for abt 10 years, he is 87 now and I’m going to be straight up with you... It is very hard to care for a parent, I’m at the point of having a nervous breakdown!!! Iv lost my life and who I use to be. It gets to the point that he would be better in a good nursing home and I go visit him versus the situation we are in now. I am at the point of checking in to see about finding him somewhere that he can be cared for BC as it is now it’s not good for my dad, husband and myself. We live in a 2 bedroom 1 bath house and have no alone time. I use to have a very active life and now I’m a zombie!!! We love our parents but you have to do what is best for your dad and you and that would be finding a place for him and you go visit. I promise, I’m speaking from experience and it is not easy caring for a parent. So pray abt it and I hope this helps.

Please either take him in your home or place him in assisted living. He is not competent to be making decisions. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean it is good for him. He is like a child and you have to make a decision like a parent and do what's best for him and you. God Bless.

Hi I am just gong to be straightforward about this. Your father is 95 for goodness sake. So how old does this make you?
you say all your siblings are gone so what’s the plan here. You die by wearing yourself out and then he goes into care?
so use your POA and put him in a home and stop using your money fixing up his house. Have a life. It’s OK to do so. You don’t need a psychologist you need to take charge

My dad is almost 95 and in the same situation. He lived on his own until this past year. He fell and broke a couple of toes and so needed some assistance. I brought him to live with us and told him he needed to rehab. He complained about not going home but after a while I told him the doctor felt he needed to live with someone just to keep safe. He every once in a while will ask when he can go home and we just say that the doctor said he must first be safe and able to care for himself and he must be able to remember safety phone numbers. He then says okay and is fine at our house. He has been with us a year now and though I get little alone time. He is safe and is eating much better. Blaming the doctor made it easier for my dad to accept living with us. And it lets me sleep better knowing we are just a room away.

I hate to say this but your father has Alzheimers and has demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt he cannot live alone - without problems. And YOU should NOT have to take on this burden. You have a life to live and responsibility to care for YOU and you will never again see the light of day if you allow him in your home. It just won't work. Grit your teeth and find a nice place where he can be cared for and you can visit him. I also think someone from outside, like a doctor or the office on aging, something like that must make this happen - not you. Do it now before it is too late.

Speaking from my experience, I feel guilty for everything I have had to do that has dismantled the independent life of my mother. However, in needing to keep my mom with Alzheimer's safe, I know there was nothing else I could have done.

I also had to make the choice between moving my then most resistant, 92 year old mother in with me or letting her stay in her house that needed a whole host of repairs. The idea of hiring someone to be with her would have never worked because my mother wouldn't have a stranger in her house. But moving her in with me was not what she wanted even though we have always been very close. While I hated making that decision, the thought of her falling, or starting a fire while cooking or having her wander out the door, or let in a stranger, etc. was the greater terror (and guilt) for me. In time, her behaviors became too difficult for me to handle (visual and auditory hallucinations, waking up in the middle of the night and turning on all the lights because she thought it was time to get up, getting into rages, falling because she wouldn't use her cane, etc.) so I moved her to a small assisted living facility. She refused to use a cane or walker and eventually fell and had to have hip surgery--more guilt. Today at almost 96, my beautiful mother, while still in fairly good physical condition, can't carry on the simplest of conversations, doesn't always recognize me although I visit her 3 times a week, and thinks her parents and all of her siblings who have passed are alive and well. Each time I leave her after my visit, I am sad and guilty that somehow I couldn't make this better for her.

I know that any other path I might have taken would have had it's own difficulties and hazards. We have no control over this disease and it's heartbreaking from start to finish. But when I hear on the news that an elderly person with dementia is missing from their home, I give thanks that I was able to accept the painful realization that my mom could no longer make decisions about her safety, and do what needed to be done.

My experience with my mom enabled me to sit down with my adult son and talk frankly about what my future might be and give him my blessing if he has to take charge of my care. While my mom put me legally in charge, we never considered what her care or condition might actually look like. I imagine many of us didn't get to have that conversation. But when necessary actions come from a place of love, you will be doing the right thing--even if you don't always like what you have to do.

You are not alone!

JuanaG;

"Finally got his drivers license away from him (had to go to state)."
Good, but for our mom taking the car was the key. As some comments say, there are those who continue to drive without a valid license!
 
Gas stove - find a way to get rid of it! JoyintheLord's comment about having it shut off and capped is priceless! If your dad thinks it is broken, tell him you cannot get another gas stove and put in electric (still concerns, but not as much as with gas!) Do it when he isn't there.

Thermostat - my brother installed a Nest thermostat (there are other brands), which can be monitored and set remotely (requires wi-fi access - if he doesn't have internet service, there might be some low cost options.) Mom was messing with the old one - got there once and it was SO hot, not winter, AC was off. I was sweating bullets!

"I have fixed a room and bathroom up at my house and he refuses to move in."  
THIS might be an option if you can convince him repairs NEED to be done and he cannot be there (come up with as many safety issues as you can and be convincing!) If you tell him it is temporary until the repairs are done, at least he is out of the house and has some supervision. With dementia, sometimes the concept of time passing doesn't work as well and you can keep deferring the return, saying it has only been a few days, they need time to fix everything.

For termites, you can hire a company to treat for this (yes, it might also require repairs, but start with locating/treating them!) A good company will do a check for all locations and then give you a report/treatment plan. Even if he is still living there, this can be done - if they tell you there are structural issues, see previous paragraph!

Are the smoke detectors battery or hard-wired? Battery ones tend to go off easier. If he is burning things on the stove, replacing it with electric *might* help. If possible ensure replacements are hard-wired (should have CO detector as well - both do come as plug in/battery backup units, negating the need for wiring, but making it easier for him to disable.) Also, take away ladders and power tools!!

"He is not capable of living alone and caring for his home. He's broke and I need to sell his home to care for him."
Clearly you will have to do something. Until/unless you can move him out, get the necessary repairs done. Keep good track of anything you pay for (you indicated he is broke) - you should be able to recoup that on sale of the house. If possible, have someone take him out for the time(s) repairs are being done. Don't discuss with him and don't argue with him - it won't work and will just frustrate you. Just DO IT!

In order to sell the home, those repairs will likely need to be done anyway. I find it hard to believe anyone would purchase a place with termites or serious repairs needed! If they did, you would not get much for it.

"I have Power of Attorney but I hate to force the issue."
Best if you can convince him to at least transition "temporarily" to your house. Work on making it HIS decision Although some said it might be better to let him stay and do what he wants, who would want to live with knowing their LO burned to death or suffocated on CO or end up invalid from a serious injury? I would rather deal with guilt from making him move than the above!

"Concerned that he'll get depressed..."
There are medications that can be tried.
"...die if I make him move in with me or worse stick him in an Assisted Living Facility."
If that is enough to kill him, it emphasizes how at risk he is alone!

And just before posting, I read the comment from beginnings - read it and heed it! It is a difficult decision, but as the "adult" in the room, it unfortunately is your responsibility to ensure his safety and well-being. No guilt, just understand that sometimes this is for the best.

Your father may not have the cognitive abilities to determine where he can safely reside. You have a responsibility for his well being and unfortunately the responsibility may cause your father some initial unhappiness. He will react negatively to a move just as a well person would react to a living change they don’t want. However, that doesn’t absolve you from your responsibility. We have to make difficult decisions and we owe it to our parents when they can no longer make decisions.

There are legal consequences for failing to act. Why would you risk an injury. Does that not strike you as cruel? Your fathers functioning is not as a well adult. Would you allow a child to make decisions they cognitively are not equipped to make? It’s painful and extremely hard to step in and make these decisions. Our parents, our children expect us to still make them and the law requires it. Your not weighing the grief and self doubt of allowing him to be injured.

I say say these because I lived it. My mother was able to live at home for many years with assistance. We had daily visitors, paid her expenses, ensured she ate, received medical care, maintained her home and had to manage her assets. Her dementia continued. It does go away - it only gets worse.

She he was placed in residential senior living. We worked with her geriatric and primary doctor. We told her her health prevented her from living alone. She argued, told me how she hated me, called me a thief and those were examples of the nice things I dealt with during her move. She refused to talk to me when I visited and told me again she hated me. Nonetheless I went to see her and left when I encountered the anger and her feelings of betrayal. She has been there less than 5 weeks. However, I go see her now and she is happy and glad to visit. She ask when she can go home because she has been there for 4 or 5 years. Her dementia is there and frankly she has forgotten all the trauma of the move.

She eats well, she is sleeping all night, she is not anxious and she is safe. I go visit her and and hour after I leave she has no memory of me visiting or taking her for a ride. What she keeps now is the feeling. She is content -she is safe- she is clean and she is in her “apartment with her favorite personal mementos”.

Its hard arm to do and you will question your decision but moving a dementia patient to safety is your responsibility. You have to step up your father would expect it if he was well. He is not. Be the person you were raised to be.

Your father is 96 and has Alzheimer's too? Firstly, life is a terminal thing for us all and @ 96 he has lived longer than many. Alzheimer's is also a terminal condition which slowly robs its victims of their memory of self, family, present and past. At this point I would say his safety is prime concern, so continue with plan to move him to your home. At some point in the disease, Alzheimer's victims don't really know where they are in time or place. The "I want to go home" statements can mean many things, but home is not a place, it is a feeling!

Unfortunately as the disease progresses it becomes unsafe to live alone. It's a hard decision and my heart goes out to you. My dad had this and he liked to play with his cigarette lighter, would forget he was cooking, wander off, etc. It may not seem like it, but it is the most loving thing you can do to not let him live alone.

I have the same situation here. My dad is 92. He underestimates the amount of care he needs and that he can't manage on his own. Luckily he is financially able to bring in part-time help. That has made a huge difference. It took 6 months of trying to convince him to let someone in and now he loves it. We do 4 hours a day 6 days a week and I do 1/2 day Saturday (I work full time). We are in the process of getting that stepped up to 6 hours a day. Having an extra set of eyes on him every day has really helped. I have guardianship but he refuses to move. We would have to take him out kicking and screaming which wouldn't be good for anyone and he would just walk out of assisted living. But he is a social person and I know he would live it. Everyone involved in this has told me that something will happen that will cause him to move. He will have a fall (has a fall pendant but not sure he would remember to use it). I have a doctor on tap to write a letter should we decide at some point that we can't continue (my guardianship requires me to have a physician's note if I want to move him). I understand what you're going through. I deal with this every day.

While out mother is only 84, she's lived alone at home while she shouldn't have. But like you, we were desperately concerned for what would likely be a violent reaction and depression if we attempted a move. Then we got a "sign" in that Mom experienced a knee fracture by doing nothing at all, except laying around. The fracture left her virtually immobile. So we made our move, first to the emergency room, then to the hospital and rehab. Among her diagnoses was "failure to thrive," then into a beautiful group memory care home in a private neighborhood. It's been probably the worst two months of my life, but the relief I feel that she's safe now is overwhelming, and while she has been royally hateful to the staff, they are trained to deal with it. As a result of this move, she's eating good meals three times a day, and showering at least once a week, the latter hadn't happened except for twice over a period of two years. It's possible your dad could get depressed and fade away if moved to a skilled facility. But 1) he'd be as safe as possible; 2) he won't burn or tear down the house; and 3) you could start living and breathing again. It's the hardest decision to take the plunge, but ultimately when conditions are right, it's really the best decision. And it's very possible that if your Dad wasn't ill with ALZ, and likely other mental conditions that partner with ALZ, he wouldn't want you to suffer and feel like you currently feel. Try to remember, though it'll be stinking hard, that you're NOT at fault in any of this, and that you ARE trying to do what's best for your dad, even though he may never understand it. He may be incapable of understanding. The latter is something that has taken me a long time to accept. Peace be with you.

Change is a must. You know it is. Trust yourself.
And be preventative (you are extremely lucky that nothing majored has happened by now!) A trauma is the last thing either of you requires, ever.
Do a search for assisted living or find someone to live-in.
It's a safety issue and peace-of-mind issue for you. He certainly doesn't care about that...

More power to you!

Is Dad a war time vet or did he serve in the military qualifying him for vet benefits? My Dad is almost 92. WWII vet. He gets 10 free hours a week. 3 hour min so 3 days a week someone from Home Instead comes and prepares a meal and tends to what may be needed. Isn't always easy as I had one company through the VA and asked to be switched and this company is working better. People can quit every couple months but 2nd company has been more stable. Dept of the Aging in my county has listings of companies or people qualified to visit - some may be nurses. Get someone else to assist you in all this whether a local senior center or an aging facility. I even asked the attendants in the rehab center Dad was in if anyone would help on the side and the workers room mate helped Dad for about a year. Some people who work in care facilities work on the side. I also walked into an assisted living facility and asked if anyone there did side work - didn't get anyone but I have found 2 neighbors that help out and I am very lucky but it takes asking and asking - everyone knows someone or has a connection. I'm happy to discuss further if you want to mail me privately. Best of luck as myself and Dad are only children and I had to retire in 2015 to get a handle on the situation which included Dad's license being suspended and all the retests - very stressful.

In answer to the gas stove issue, here is what I did with my parents. I bought the house next door to me. I took them out to lunch one day while a trusted plumber came in and turned off the gas line to the stove and capped off the line. My stepfather just thought the stove didn’t work. I have to bring all their meals to them, but it’s handy being right next door. This has worked well for us. I hired a housekeeper to clean and she brings two meals a week. You could also get meals on wheels.

Yes, some good help here. I recommend a live-in if it can be managed. Person needs some understanding of dementia + a resolute temperament. It does boil down to about 2choices: either a live-in or a move to a facility. Living with you is probably not a good option for either of you. Try elderhousing online searches; I did & found a great gal! Best of luck: it’s hard to watch parents decline -you mustn’t take on this burden alone!

If your Dad is showing signs of dementia, there is a good chance it will get worse if/when he moves to a new location. I witnessed this when my Elderly mother moved into my home. The confusion will increase and delusions may begin. Sometimes it is better to let nature take its course. Read several of the discussions on this site about taking your parent Into your home - it is far more difficult than you know, no matter how well you may get along with your parent. Keep him in his own home as long as possible and respect his wishes to be left alone. Sorry, but sometimes a sudden accidental death is better than a lingering life in confusion and misery. Good luck.

It sounds more like dementia of another kind and not Alzheimer's, but I'm no doctor. He clearly cannot live alone; he would benefit from assisted living since he can still control his bowels and bladder and is mobile, and most likely can eat without having getting fed and can swallow food (people with Alzheimer's lose all of that). Either you get him in an assisted living facility or get legal guardianship which would probably need a psychiatric evaluation and a court order if POA was not established yet. or simply have him move in with you.

Oh boy, do I empathize with your situation. My brothers and I are in somewhat the same position. We all live in the Northeast quadrant of the country; our parents are in Fla. and my Dad especially, refuses to move out of his home down there. Dad is 88, with some dementia, accentuated by alcoholism. Mom is 86, with some mild dementia, accentuated by alcoholism. Frequent falls, Dad's drivers license has been suspended after we took matters to the state, he still drives without a license. Mom drives without a license also, as she forgot to renew it and sees no reason to do so. Neither one of them take their medications with any regularity. My brother has POA. He doesn't especially want to get Guardianship of the 'rents as that would greatly complicate how he handles their finances. He is doing a great job with that. I was down there for six months last year, caring for them, but needed to return to care for my own health care issues. Dad doesn't want someone coming in to help them. A pride thing. Doesn't want to go into an Assisted Living and leave his home. The home is not being cared for. Neither one of them can care for it. The house stinks with incontinence pads piling up, food going bad in the fridge. Neighbors calling to report to us, in their own frustration.

Get an equity line of credit for $100,000 on the house and offer a free room and board to a trustworthy caregiving type handy person or veteran . Post an ad at the local American legion and other military organizations or fraternities and churches. Initially it’s as a home handyman to work on these restorations that require your father to help. They break for lunch and play chess or go fishing or whatever your dad likes doing . The idea is to fake the potential future “live in boarder” arrangement. It’s a win win for both. Word of mouth is best to find someone. Initially say it’s your friend that needs to do repairs or clean the house but he has to have some care giving or life saving skills which many former veterans do.
Tell dad the gov reimburses him at the end of the year or something. Try a few ads on next door to find local neighbors. There’s lots of community centered solutions. Try a few people first. Mention in your ad up front that an intense background check will be done so you weed out anyone with criminal history.
Ration out the money to make the house adapted to aging in his own home. Seek legal counsel on how to do this

He is 96. I tend to go with the safety issue. If you know he is in a safe place, then your own sanity and well being will be preserved. I'd try to get the doctor to put in writing what kind of care your dad needs, and that may help a bit should you decide to move him. If he is a potential danger to himself or others, move him. He has had plenty of years at home. Do what is best for his safety and your sanity. I did.

Your best choice here may be to hire an elder care attorney to assist you in obtaining legal guardianship of your father.

I say this is the "best" choice because you are obviously quite concerned about his safety, and would suffer tremendously if he were seriously injured or died due to something you feel you could have been able to prevent. This is no small matter. The question you can ask yourself is, which would you be best be able to live with afterward - his possible depression and decline if you take control of his life, or a painful accident and injury if you don't? Which is the most likely to actually happen - and which is the most likely to cause you grief and regret in the years to come?

We all want our aged parents to retain their personal autonomy as long as possible, to preserve their dignity and maintain their happiness. This is fine as long as they are able to think clearly and make appropriate decisions with only minimal or moderate assistance. At 95, and with Alzheimer's, your father is clearly beyond this point.

Remember, when we were children, our parents would often step in and stop us from doing things that had the potential to harm us, because at that point in our development we did not have the capacity to make rational decisions. They did this for our own good, whether we liked it or not. Later in life, this role reverses, especially in patients with Alzheimer's, and it's not easy to deal with.

Here's a link to a good article on the subject: https://www.alzheimers.net/guardianship-for-parent-with-alzheimers/

This is a tough situation to be in. I wish you comfort and peace with whatever decision you make regarding your dad's care.

What type of POA do you have?

Hire private care giver , and get to know the neighbors and ask them if they would be willing to check in once in a while while you are out of town, give them your number for emergency contact, i have been a caregiver for 36 years and have seen people give up with in a moth to 3 moths from depression because of the move, they lose all there dignity and sence of purpouse and independence and it causes them to give up, check with your community for help home care is a big buisness and yes they do charge high rates but if only needing companionship, you can find private caregive, and allot of retired nurses after retire do home care at 15 -20 an hour. Check them out get refereces, but there are still big hearted people still out there you just have to look. Good luck with your father,and I send you praises from the heart for even being there for him, Im happy he has you

Well my answer is not what you will normality get on this forum.
if dad is for the most part taking care of himself, at the natural conclusion of his life and chooses to live at home, what does it cost you? $500 is nothing compared to the cost of AL.
A POA doesn’t get you there unless that dr will sign something saying he is incompetent. I think safety is way over rated. If he is happy at home and dies a yr or two earlier, that would be my choice. But that takes guts. A lot easier to sleep at night if they are in a facility. I would probably get rid of the gas stove. Make sure he’s not taking anyone else out with him.
If he’s causing you to spend your life taking care of him, that’s one thing. If he is just saying leave me alone and he’s doing pretty good that’s another. Go walk around in a facility and visit with a few guys his age and see what you think. If you can’t handle a few of those visits now how will you handle them for him when he is living there? When a life is at its end there is no magic to turn back the clock.