Long story short.
Me and my siblings didn't have a good relationship with our mum (she was severely abusive and neglected us)
My dad could be the same except he could be loving at times. He never provided for us either and was pretty lazy.
So my grandparents took over, eventually the abuse from my parents got so bad I ran away a few times.
Moved in with my grandparents aged 13 and been here since.
My grandad has always been a bit controlling, angry and self righteous.
My nan just enabled everything and always took his side.
Always thought I was a horrible person growing up and that I needed to take my grandads control/abuse.
As he's gotten older, it's just got worse and I feel trapped.
Never had much of a life for myself, he has always decided everything (even my college course, so it was more convenient for him)
Past few years have been really tough
Hes slapped me before, raises a fist whenever I disobey him and threatens to throw me out.
DI'd have a job but coming home to that house made me depressed and it affected my work life...
Im only 28 but him and the family have wore me down, often think suicide is the only way out because I feel useless in the real world.
My grandad has always called me a slut, gave me no privacy (been into my room twice whilst I was naked and told me nobody wants to look at me anyway)
He hates me having a boyfriend or dating often tells me they are just using me anyway so get rid.
He controls the house, causes arguments over everything and is in control of his/my nans finances. My nan is often verbally abused by him but she just says that's how he is..she respects him.
Hes got worse with age..he's not mobile as much now, losing his hearing and struggles with daily tasks.
I often try to help him but he finds ways to criticise me and flys into a rage/threatens to punch me in the gob.
He laughs at the fact I have miscarried in the past and always brings it up during his rages.
I stand up to him obviously but he just uses threats
My nan is being abused but she can be quite selfish too...the house is overloaded with her things.
She can be sometimes nasty and critical... her and my grandad don't wash and are heavy smokers (she's been advised by her doctor to not do this) she won't do anything at all and expects me to do everything
The house smells very bad and is falling apart.
One time my depression was unbearable I tried to kill myself and the police showed up
The police had to take my grandad into another room because he was lashing out
They were very concerned for my welfare and told me if he carries on to ring them back (never did guess I felt sorry for him because he's old n shouldn't be dealing with police)
When they left he told to kill myself and got in my face aggressively.
Tried to get counselling but he dragged me out the session (opened my mail and said no to continuing it)
I want to start a life of my own but my grandad has a way of guilt tripping me...he wants me to be my nans full time unpaid carer.
My brothers have nothing to do with them really and don't make an effort.
I think my brothers cut ties with him all together now and was scared of his rages.
Supposed to be moving in with a friend but I'm worried everything is so expensive.. the rent scared it won't fall through but that's another issue I can sort myself.
My question is how do I get over all the abuse and let carers deal with them instead?
My grandad refuses to have anyone in the house, specially social services or carers. What do I do??
You now realize why Dad is the way he was. And why he married an abusive person. Thats all he knew. I think when u get settled, you should seek therapy. Just to give you peace of mind you did the right thing and to help you realize you were not the problem.
Has done all his life, his kids come last..he didn't protect us from them and joined In with the torment.
He said my grandad used to beat him as a kid then....why would he allow his own children to go through it too...after having such an abusive baby mother.
My dad's probably not gonna last, he drinks a lot and has already had one heart attack.
I really want to be away from this family for good now
They robbed my childhood and it makes me angry.. can totally understand why adult children just flip or cut complete contact
Wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy
Thank you everyone for the advice, it's really helped me to come to a decision.
I will not be caring for them, it's my dad's responsibility since he didn't even bring his kids up.
My grandad found out I didn't want to care for them and threatened me with the police.
I told him the police don't deal with evictions or council property.. police are aware of his behaviour like I've mentioned before.
He has a habit of using the police threat when he doesn't get his own way or he will use threatening behaviour.
Don't think that you have to make any arrangements for your grandparents' care when you have left. Let them sort it out, or just ring APS AFTER you have gone.
And to hell with your grandparents. Who cares what happens to them. They can rot in a sewer.
Forget about these grandparents. They will get along without you. If they bother you after you leave, don't get involved. Merely state that you have decided to get on with your life. Then hang up.
You are important. You matter to this world. You main job is to get out of the situation you're in and take care of yourself. I wish you luck in making a better life for yourself.
One during covid
Which was very stressful and I stuck at it
He almost got me fired
Called me a murderer for working in health care and said you won't be coming back here with that virus
Locks will be changed.
I don't think it's possible to have a job with him around, he sabotages everything.
Its just too much wondering what sort of mood he will be in when I'm home
You just need to leave. Whenever that voice in your head starts to tell you that you can't leave your grandparents to their own devices, firmly remind yourself that it is not your responsibility. This is not on your head. Your responsibility, right now, is to yourself. Get to a place where you're not suicidal. That's all you need to worry about right now.
I wish you good luck.
There is really no way out other than hard work and moving along an unknown path. I hope you have the support of friends and wish you good luck. Dr. Laura has a kind a brutal way of saying "GROW A SPINE". I surely won't go THERE, but I WILL say that you are going to need to muster every ounce of determination in order to have courage to move forward. You will be so proud of yourself when you do.
He will mock me about it for hours
It's cruel on another level, even on the day I miscarried he was being mean/telling me to hurry up.
And please get out and away from that dysfunctional household. You need some serious help and you won't be able to get it while living with your grandparents.
You'll never be able to heal while you continue to live with these sick folks, so do what you must to get away.
You are NOT responsible for your grandparents. PERIOD.
I'm praying that things turn around for you and that you start living the good life that God has for you.
Get help for yourself , stay with a friend , sibling . If you are thinking of suicide call 988 the suicide hotline . Also seek out counseling , perhaps your County Health Dept can help you with some free social services or point you in the direction of some services . Do you work outside of the house for money ?
If you are an adult over eighteen, you can apply for rental assistance with Catholic Charities and other organizations that help with rent. Getting a job would be a start since you won't be around this tyrant all day. Get the counseling needed and ignore the threats. Get a PO Box if you can afford it to keep granddad's nosy behind from reading your mail. You can protect yourself. Put your money in a savings account and please, do not tell your grandfather. Hide your bank information.
Do you have a car for transportation? Do you have friends? Do you work a job even if its part-time? If not, start working towards some goals.
You cannot recover from the abuse as long as its being dished out at you on a regular basis.
You are not responsible for people that abuse you.
Move out.
Find a friend or a sibling that you can stay with for a while. If you have no friends that you can stay with a Women's shelter.
If before you can move out your grandfather or grandmother threatens you, raises a fist, call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you're being threatened and you are afraid for your safety. If you see grandpa threatening grandma you do the same thing, call 911.
If your grandparents are not able to care for themselves then make a call to APS and report them as vulnerable seniors.