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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Don't feel guilty. You placed hike so he could receive an appropriate level of care while you also care for yourself. Does the facility have a hair salon? There will come a time when it becomes too disorienting for him to leave even for just a haircut.
I'd try to keep in mind the reason he is there. And, consider that even when some people who have dementia are living in their own home, they still say they want to go home. This is because the home they are yearning for is a homeplace from their childhood or a place in their mind of safety, contentment, etc. that is intangible.
The same thing happened to my LO a few times, when returning from doctor appointments. She had forgotten the AL in just a few hours, so, I had to explain that her things were inside, her friends were inside and get her acclimated again. It was pretty scary, but, once I rolled her in and showed her her room, friends, staff, etc. she settled down. I found that if the staff took her out, she didn't react that way.
Also, after she went to MC, she started getting her hair done on premises. A nice hair stylist comes there. They have a nice little shop on premises and she really does a good job. My LO seems to enjoy it, as the stylist is so kind and comforting.
It’s very difficult to look at someone we’ve spent perhaps decades with and realize that they’re becoming someone we don’t know and probably doesn’t know us. In my case, my husband who is a former business owner, has gone from a cane to a walker to a wheelchair and is now bedridden. He was always very much in charge and we never did anything unless he thought of it first and approved of it. His life was his business and since it was also a family business, he put his family first. Now, at the age of 64, I have another baby to care for.
Your DH is where he needs to be. I’m sure this wasn’t a snap decision you made. You are bound to second guess yourself. As time goes on and he goes through the stages, you will realize this. Accept was comes along. My mother, in an Alzheimer’s Unit, once told me, “I hope your kids never do this to you!” I understand how she felt, I really do. She was in a good facility but it was, after all, not her home. But, it didn’t make me want to pull her out and bring her to my own home. She was where she needed to be. I relied on the social worker and nurses at the facility for support with my decision.
I would suggest that you not bring him out if his reaction when you return involves throwing a little tantrum. We believe they NEED get out of the facility but they seldom really do as the disease progresses. My mom had such an “anxious” reaction to being taken out she wound up in the ER the next day. Go see him, bring his favorite treat, a fast food meal, etc. Be good to yourself. You deserve it!
I really feel for you. My dad often mutters, when am I going home? I feel his one remaining joy in life would be to go home. But I read the stories and advice here and realize that it would probably not be the best thing to even bring him home for a visit.
Thank you all for your heartfelt responses. I feel better and even stronger in my decision. I am doing what is best for both of us. God Bless each and everyone of you. 😘
Gardined, my family is going through this now. My dad is in NH, and every day he wants to come home. We realize that we cannot give him the care he needs without sacrificing our own (Mom and me) health and well being. We would not even be able to put him in a car to take to a doctor if he needed. He continues to decline and has settled down a bit about coming home, but the thought flares up from him now and then. My mother then has to sit down alone with him and tell him why he cannot. It is hard to do this, but we know we have to do what is best for everyone, not just him. God bless you, this is a hard time and will continue to be harder as he ages. 💕
Thank you so much for again confirming that I am doing the right thing. Just spoke with his doctor about his meds because the staff at the Memory Center says his agitation has escalated. He is swearing and angry, growling at people saying he wants to go home. She also confirmed this is the best decision for both of us. It would absolutely take us both down vs. just one if he came home. It would be impossible for me to care for him. Thank you again and God Bless you and your mom!
In your mind translate "I want to go home!" into "I want to be whole and safe and I want the world to make sense!" It is scarcely a strange wish for someone in his situation. It will probably last as long as he has enough awareness to understand that things are not whole and safe and they don't make sense.
My husband wanted to go home for months. He was home, where we had lived together for more than 10 years. But he recognized that things were not normal.
Oh thank you so much! I can’t help but feel I could have done more. I feel with the support from those who are also going thru this disease with loved ones, I feel stronger!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The same thing happened to my LO a few times, when returning from doctor appointments. She had forgotten the AL in just a few hours, so, I had to explain that her things were inside, her friends were inside and get her acclimated again. It was pretty scary, but, once I rolled her in and showed her her room, friends, staff, etc. she settled down. I found that if the staff took her out, she didn't react that way.
Also, after she went to MC, she started getting her hair done on premises. A nice hair stylist comes there. They have a nice little shop on premises and she really does a good job. My LO seems to enjoy it, as the stylist is so kind and comforting.
Your DH is where he needs to be. I’m sure this wasn’t a snap decision you made. You are bound to second guess yourself. As time goes on and he goes through the stages, you will realize this. Accept was comes along. My mother, in an Alzheimer’s Unit, once told me, “I hope your kids never do this to you!” I understand how she felt, I really do. She was in a good facility but it was, after all, not her home. But, it didn’t make me want to pull her out and bring her to my own home. She was where she needed to be. I relied on the social worker and nurses at the facility for support with my decision.
I would suggest that you not bring him out if his reaction when you return involves throwing a little tantrum. We believe they NEED get out of the facility but they seldom really do as the disease progresses. My mom had such an “anxious” reaction to being taken out she wound up in the ER the next day. Go see him, bring his favorite treat, a fast food meal, etc. Be good to yourself. You deserve it!
God bless you, this is a hard time and will continue to be harder as he ages. 💕
My husband wanted to go home for months. He was home, where we had lived together for more than 10 years. But he recognized that things were not normal.
You did the right thing. Stay strong!