He was diagnosed with dementia (likely a combination of Alzheimer's and vascular dementia) in 2014 and has been fairly stable until about 14 months ago. I moved him to a small board-and-care five weeks ago. He recently turned 87 as I did 80. We have been faithfully married for 55+ years.
For the past seven years since my 55th high school reunion, he has been obsessed with the idea that I have a boyfriend. I spent some time talking with a good male friend whom I've known since he and I were 14 and stayed in touch with (along with his wife) on and off. We are simply good friends...period, just like other friends, male and female, that I grew up with. However, my husband claims that he saw some totally unacceptable behavior take place at the reunion--pure confabulation. Over the years he's become more and more convinced that the incident took place, and he gets more graphic each time he brings it up, occasionally telling other people about it in my presence. The number of such boyfriends has increased also. Understandably but sadly, since we can no longer live together, he has become so focused on this that it's one of two topics that dominate every conversation we have when I visit him (almost daily). I have calmly reassured him that I promised him 55+ years ago to be his "loving and faithful wife," and I would never break that vow. Of course, logic doesn't work, and distraction and redirection barely change the conversation for more than a minute or two.
Anyone have some advice to help me deal with this? I know it is not an uncommon issue. Thanks!
My only suggestion would be to see if he relates better if you apologize rather than deny? Tell him how sorry you are that your behavior hurt him and that you will make sure never to do it again. Maybe, just maybe, he will move on. It's impossible to know because he may not be able to remember your "apology".
Check out:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23066764/#:~:text=Othello%20syndrome%20is%20a%20psychotic,medical%2C%20psychiatric%20or%20neurological%20disorders.
He could also benefit from some anti-anxiety medication. That will help him stay calm. It won't stop the nonsense delusion that you're cheating on him.
Maybe you should not visit him daily. Maybe you should reduce the visits to a couple times a week.
When he starts up about you cheating tell him plainly that's a lie and not true. If he continues on it, get up and leave.
I was once involved in a situation where an elderly man with dementia was very paranoid that his wife was having an affair, he was 'seeing' the man in their apartment, etc. She was so ashamed that she never told anybody-protective worker, home care aides, visiting nurse, her daughter - nobody. knew.
Until the night she managed to get him off of her as he was trying to strangle her...and she called 911. He was placed in a locked mental health unit until his meds were adjusted to manage his delusions. Then he went to a nursing home. Staff were aware to watch for any new 'attachments' to female residents or anger at male residents.
The point is, treating the delusion before it is so far advanced can be very important. But you need an MD and perhaps a geriatric social worker to help assess your particular situation.
"If I did have a boyfriend I'd bring him in and introduce him to you"
"I'm 80, If I have boyfriend then we aren't doing anything cause the equipment doesn't work"
"Well If I have a boyfriend then you have a girlfriend here, where is she"?
"Hire a PI to take pictures of me and this boyfriend and then we can get a divorce"
My wife eventually called the police at 3am. (Side note-when a woman calls the police at 3am, guess who gets told to leave the house?) She also thought I was out to kill her. (For the record, I was NOT).
If he really believes this, there is no telling what he will do if he suspects you are having an affair. Yes, he looks and sometimes sounds like the loving caring man you have known for so many years. However, his mind is failing and neither you nor I can predict what will happen next. It is more than time you get him some kind of care. Call a memory care facility near you. Explain what is happening. Get them over to evaluate your husband.
Don't wait until things get worse. This is not like renting a hotel room. You need a facility that can help him. Not every assisted living facility is a good match. You need to start immediately.
Good luck
That is really all you can do.
He will continue to be in a verbal / mental 'loop.'
Gena / Touch Matters
No big deal for anyone concerned. He’s lost his ability to filter his comments, and it’s no reflection on you or him.
Best response is no response at all. His comments have no bearing on his previous life, nor yours.
Relish your memories of who he was, and let go of your attempts to convince him or change him. He can’t change.
Meantime, are you able to spend some time away, doing things you like to do?
I know that you already know that here there IS a therapeutic lie (which I so seldom believe in) to be told. If he can remember to bring up this friend of yours tell him that you can't even remember his email and haven't heard from him in forever and he's likely dead!
Other than that, and your reassurance, there is so little you can do. It has to be heartbreaking. I wish I had a better answer for you.
Would he talk about it if you visit with another female friend? Maybe try this.
In the meantime, redirect the conversation to something completely unrelated. Just keep doing it. If it doesn't work, you'll need to just end the visit calmly and tell him you'll be back later. Everything about dementia is hard. Hang in there and take care of yourself.