My mom is now bedridden and incontenent. My dad is showing similar signs that she did like forgetting everything, misplacing items daily, and repeating everything over and over again. I am the only child and live with them to help with care, but I work full time and won’t spend my retirement caring for them.
Without a POA, you have no power at all, even if you are very dissatisfied with what is happening with your parents. That includes if you think that your inheritance is being ripped off.
There are middle steps you need to know about, between ‘washing your hands’ of it all, and ‘taking on the burden’ yourself in person. Do some more checking before you make these decisions.
If your financial situation will change without their income anymore to help with the household bills, then you need to prepare for that as well.
As an only child, I found POA responsibilities for my mother were straightforward and simple.
As a CO POA with an ignorant relative, the experience was a nightmare, and I presently consider myself to be “in recovery” from it.
You are VERY WISE to put your welfare FIRST.
Make an assessment of your mother’s and father’s assets. BE SURE that your assets do not mingle, and BE SURE that your planning for them does not include using your own funds for their care.
POA's are very helpful, as only child to my father, I was able to make decisions for him when he was dying. I have one from my mother as well, she is in AL.
I would never care for either of them in my home or theirs, I use the POA to assist my mother is not to be her caretaker, I am her carehelper.
I had no one but myself to be responsible too, but as my mother’s ONLY legal representative, the POA designation made everything easier, and not more complicated.
Do a little research before you decide…..
Your parents should not be left alone if Dad can no longer care for Mom. You may want to call Office of Aging to evaluate your situation and help you find resources. I would say Moms ready for a Longterm facility. Dad maybe Memory Care.
If you are living with your parents, you do have responsibility to make sure they are safe and cared for. Mother is incontinent, do you have a CNA coming in to change her and make sure she doesn't get UTI's or bedsores?
The Assisted Livings may not be the answer if your parents need "skilled" care. You need to form a team--home visits, Church people, meals, camera with text so if they wander until you decide what the long-term plan is. Basically, these things needs to be addressed in the immediate. You cannot do this all by yourself.
I would call a Social Worker and an Elder Attorney. If you go the Assisted Living route everything is "a la carte". Your mother sounds like she needs NH. Your dad possibly memory care--perhaps in the same facility with different tiers.
You can't let this go and I am sure that is why you are on this forum. An only child is tough because you don't have the option of running past ideas and brainstorming with siblings.
You need a plan in place and something in the immediate before the "emergency" happens. You could call your parents' primary care doctor for an assessment and work from there. Go on the portal and keep track of all of your parents test results and appointments.
Are they taking medication? Who dispenses it? There is a lot of info on this forum that will assist you. There is help out there. If your dad was a Veteran you can also put in for Veteran's Aid & Attendance. It is NOT a given but it's worth a try. Lots of paperwork.
There are also day respite programs that your dad could attend so he won't wander.
Hope this of some help...
I was also my Mom's Executor, and Health Care Proxy. My siblings were not involved. Each year, Mom and I would review these important documents, including her obituary. We would then sign and date a sheet noting we did this. I wanted to give her a sense of engagment and have a record that she was aware of what was going on. When she passed, I knew what I had to do.
The decline with your parents will sadly continue, and you need to decide what is best for them and for you. Having the POA is a tool to help you do just that. Please see your attorney.
We did not have that experience when the doctors decided my brother was suddenly dying.
Fortunately we were able to navigate that disaster with the help of others who understood our need to help our brother.
It is almost three years later and our brother has been making his own decisions again for two years now.
It does not mean you have to personally care for them.
It means you decide... do you hire, using their money, their assets, caregivers that come into the house OR do you place them in a facility that will meet their needs. That could mean Memory Care or Skilled Nursing if that is what they need.
The bottom line is you manage their money so that it goes as far as it can paying for their care. It means you manage their medical care. That can mean anything from you personally taking them to appointments or getting in home visits, to selecting Hospice to hiring a Care Manager that will report to you. (and parents pay for Care Manager)
POA doesn’t mean you personally take care of them, You either hire someone (using their funds) or place them in a facility (using their funds or applying for Medicaid if they don’t have funds). But you can’t apply for Medicaid for them or direct any of their funds unless you first have POA.
See an elder care attorney ASAP, so you can control what happens to your parents. You need to have an understanding of how this system works to make proper decisions.
As POA, you don't have to be the hands caregiver, but you can help them transition into the right facility. Then you can manage their finances and visit them. As their only child, I'm sure you want them safe and sound.
I honestly cannot imagine what you are going to do now, given you have putt he cart before the horse and have taken your parents into your home. Legally that makes it THEIR home whether they pay rent for it or not
You have painted yourself into a very bad corner indeed. I suggest you see an elder law attorney to find out that your options are now. You have taken on so much that it may be too late to step away without charges of abandonment. You cannot take in people who are nearly helpless, then wait until they ARE helpless and say "Whoops; only kidding. Out you go".
I wish you every luck and I hope you will update us on what advice you get.
The fact that you are asking this is a red flag of your frustration with your current living situation. Care providing will only intensify. Get out now so you can build your future.
It is always good to know one’s limits. Now is the time to start researching affordable care homes in your area and then go visit three of them and be prepared to inform your parents that although you can’t spend your retirement caring for them personally, you will be visiting them frequently and overseeing their care. I think it’s easier if they moved before one passes than if only one parent were left. God bless you and your parents.
Maureen
I had no intention to do hands on care for my folks which is why I wanted those POAs in place originally. My intent all along was to get them into IL and then AL when they became unable to live alone in IL. I needed to have the ability TO make those decisions FOR them, and that's why POA was required. Also to make all those financial decisions as to how their money would be spent over a 10 year period when they could no longer manage their own money. As financial POA, I was NOT responsible for any of their bills.........just for how their funds would be SPENT, that's important to note.
POAs can be your best friend, especially since you do not want to do hands on care FOR your folks during your retirement years. How else will you go about placing them in managed care w/o those POAs in effect? As POA for mom (after dad died), I got her into Memory Care AL due to her advancing dementia; as her POA, I had the power to make ALL of her decisions since she was incapacitated to do so. I was able to oversee all of her care and get all the medical info pertinent TO her care as her POA. W/o that document, only God knows what would've happened!
See an Elder Care attorney who can explain all this to you much better than I can, and much better than anyone here on the forum can. It'll be the best couple of hundred bucks you've ever spent.
Good luck.
What happens if no POA can be available, or the only relative cannot do this responsibility? Will a lawyer then act as an agent if no one is available to handle a recipient's affairs?
I once knew someone over 25 years ago who was truly destitute and had absolutely no one to cover her affairs, so she used an attorney to act as her agent until she passed.