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Hello. My wife’s mother has had heart trouble for the past 5 to seven years. I am 43 and my wife is 47. She is currently in rehabilitation unable to walk, wearing diapers and unwilling to even attempt to walk again. I love my wife, but I don’t think I can handle having her MIL move in with us. I have told my wife numerous times that it is not a good idea, but she is unwilling to keep her at a nursing home or care facility. I guess that would be the same thing. This situation is currently causing severe stress on me and my career. My wife is also now insisting that I purchase us a larger home so that we have more space for her mother. While I don’t want to leave my wife and do love her, I don’t feel like it should be my responsibility to purchase and pay for a larger home just so we have room for her mother. I already support my wife 100% and pay for everything because my wife can’t work while looking after her mother. My MIL doesn’t speak English so she needs to help her with everything. I also lost my mom in the beginning of 2024 and it she was diagnosed and passed away within 6 months. This has also been and still is extremely difficult and painful for me. My brother and I are still dealing with probate and other issues involved with the whole process of losing a single parent. Should I just leave and start over? I have an excellent career and have inherited a decent amount of money. I refuse to use any of this money towards care for my MIL because she didn’t plan her life properly and can’t afford care. Now she is going to move in, take all of my wife’s time and make our lives miserable. I only know this, because over the past few years when she would visit, even for a few days we were miserable. This was before when she could walk and use the restroom on her own. Am I being selfish or do I deserve to be completely happy? I would not choose to leave my wife under different circumstances. I honestly don’t know what to do.

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You are trying to present a very complex issue in overly simplified back and white terms - Instead of going nuclear maybe try some marriage counselling and/or a trial separation, that may be all the wake up call your wife needs.
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Reply to cwillie
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Hi! I was interested to know what my DH would suggest for a man in your circumstances. He said set your finances up separately so that she cannot access it, then move out for a week or a fortnight so she must cope on her own. He said that if things were this serious, he would split the money anyway. He had a friend whose wife cleaned out all their money before going to her mother, leaving him with nothing until the next pay day (mother's suggestion).
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AlvaDeer Sep 21, 2024
I think your hubby has a career here, Margaret! Have him join the fray!
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Love is a feeling. It isn't an answer to life goals and life choices.

Your wife has apparently made her choice and it is her mother.
I, like you, would not choose this for my life, and it would be, for me, a deal breaker.
I would tell your wife that it's time now to visit an attorney for a legal separation and a division of assets. This will leave you with one half the assets you have during the marriage. You can force sale of home if you choose. Your wife and her mother will be left to live best they can together in an apartment. In one year's time, given things are unchanged I would move on to divorce. Dependent on how long your wife has been dependent on you you will likely be paying alimony for some time. Of course this is what comes when there is no understanding of where spouses stand regarding choices in future about children, about faith, about elders, and other basic things.

Sorry. Not everything can be fixed.
As I said, she has made her choice.
Taking on caregiving for someone when you don't wish to would make of your life a total 24/7 nightmare. Why would you choose to do that. I couldn't.
As to buying another home with more room? That has to be some sort of bad joke on the part of a wife who has been told that her mother isn't welcome in the CURRENT home.

I hope that you as a new member will fill in your profile if you plan on staying on the forum. I wish all of you the very best of luck going forward. I don't believe a life choice this large, when you stand opposed, can be worked out. One of you would come to dislike the other. I hope that you have no children.
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JeanLouise Sep 22, 2024
I bet in 2024, wife may not be entitled to alimony. Equality goes both ways.
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My personal opinion is that a marriage has to come first. Caring for someone in this situation is so extremely difficult even when both partners agree, let alone disagree. If it is difficult now, how would it be 6 months or one year later if she worsens?

She is bed bound, as it sounds, which would mean she would need constant care such as turning, changing diapers, skin care, feeding, bathing, preventing immobility problems such as pneumonia, etc. She may need to see a physician or dentist occasionally, necessitating transfers to those places. So much involved.

People new to this don't always understand just how demanding and draining this situation will be.
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Reply to Nan333
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Brandee here again,

Having an invalid live with you is a lot of work. Diapers need to be checked and possibly changed every 2 hours including overnight to prevent bed sores. Med management is a lot of work. Dental care is challenging when someone is housebound. Supplies are expensive. Chux (bed pads and adult diapers are expensive. Modifying the house for accessibility can be expensive (wheel chair ramp on exterior etc.) Are the doors in your existing house ADA width so that a wheel chair can get through.

We had paid for CNA's to care for Mom in her home but still it was exceptionally challenging for me. Even with paid for CNA's it was a lot of work for me.
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Reply to brandee
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I respectfully suggest couples counseling for the both of you so that there's a wise and objective mediator.

MIL not speaking English does add another facet of challenge to her situation.

Maybe help her look for any other solutions besides living with you. Maybe take her (your wife) to visit a good reputable facility so she sees they are not all awful. Find other posts dealing with the same issue from this very forum (and there's lots of them). They outline in painful detail how it did or is in the process of ruining marriages and children and finances.

Speaking of finances... does MIL have the funds to pay for a facility? This is something else that your marriage should not shoulder.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Your wife needs to snap out of it and understand she made vows to YOU, not her Mother. You are in your prime ages in life, which will set you up for the rest of your life. You are not obligated to her Mother. She can get a job and support her, get her own place to live, as there are no other options.

DO NOT buy a bigger house and get in further debt for her Mother. I would make it clear she has to choose between YOU (her sole provider an husband) and her Mother. She is not a medical professional and should be realistic that this situation is not going to work and will likely cause a divorce. She will expect YOU to pay for it all, too. Since you have a career and inherited money, you are the Sugar Daddy. Plus facilities have staff that can speak other languages.

Did she help you with your Mom? Did your Mom live with you?

Her Mom may only live a short time longer in her condition. It doesn't sound good. Tell her NO. Mom needs medical personnel, equipment and treatment. Wife is not a doctor or nurse. She is in panic mode and needs to stop the ideas and is in no position to be a 24 hr caregiver, unless YOU pay for it. Facilities have 3 shifts to cover bedridden patients!

IMO, I would consider leaving and starting over myself, but that's me. American men don't jeopardize their careers with this stress! Tell your wife this is not fair to you, and you are the sole breadwinner. You will refuse to buy a bigger house or take her Mother in, and you are prepared to end the marriage.

If you allow it, it will end your marriage eventually anyway. There will not be a good or happy outcome, no matter what.
Lots of good advice is given. Pay close attention.
Sorry about your Mom.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Stick to your guns, this will not work. If your wife's priority is her mother and not you there is a marriage problem here.

Do not move your MIL into your home or buy one that she can move into, real bad idea.

Sending support your way!
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cover9339 Sep 21, 2024
Wife is trying to balance her marriage and her mom.
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If you haven’t done so already, please ask your wife to go to marriage counseling with you, not for the goal of making her see things your way, but to learn to work together and prioritize your marriage above other relationships. If this proves impossible, and only then, do not buy another house, do not move your MIL in, and do not make your life and finances a slave to this. I’m sorry for the situation and hope your marriage can be saved
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You are not selfish. This is an unreasonable demand and you have every right to have control of your own home. Its your house; you’re paying for everything so please, don’t leave the home you earned. Do, put your foot down and say NO to MIL and your wife. Perhaps let rehab know she does NOT have permission to be released to your home.
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NeedHelpwMIL Sep 22, 2024
Agree with Jean Louise. Advise Rehab that you do not consent to release to your home. Please see my comment on next steps after advising Rehab as your wife needs to understand her mother’s real options.
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