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My mother decided to move to AL near us and delegated everything to us from the minute she arrived, even though she still had quite good capabilities then. She gradually lost the will and capacity to do anything for herself. She hated her apartment and the AL building, made no attempt to settle in or make friends, and was dependent on us to arrange if not actually *do* everything for her, yet none of it made her content. With hindsight we wish we had encouraged her to stay in her own home of 54 years, with care visits increasing as she needed them; she had a potential bedroom and shower room downstairs and friends who really did care for her and got on much better with her than we ever could. Her last seven years were very unhappy for all of us, so please do think very carefully about this and talk if you can to your parents about what they will expect from you. I couldn't do that, as the move was very sudden and, as the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother, I didn't have the guts.
Depends. Will their friends visit them often? If so, then find a place near them. If not, then a move near to you will make it easier for your visits/care. Might I suggest looking for someplace in the middle since a 30 minute drive is not going to be difficult for you or friends.
I believe location and friends should not be a primary determination of where to place a person. I think there are many factors that should be considered ahead of location and friendships:
1) the ability to place your Mom and Dad in the same facility. This does not mean that they are in the same room, but the ability for them to easily have contact with each other. 2) management of the facility (caregivers, accounting, nursing, facility lock up, ability to communicate in the way you want them to, activities, ability to get access to appropriate doctors, etc.) 3) care of the individual 4) cost 5) status of the facility in its community (facilities will typically attract residents of compatible personalities, including their friends) 6) what does the facility do in case of emergency? Where do they take their residents? Do you like the hospital or medical facility that they choose? 7) are the facilities in different states? If so, individual state differences in medicare costs, procedures and licensing
Then after all that, then the location or presence of friends.
If your parents are in a good, safe, location which is well managed and to your specifications, it will need less energy and less emotional turmoil to take care of them. You and they won't mind too much if you miss a weekend or two. However, a facility that requires several calls and followup calls, will take up a lot of your time and make you question whether you made the right decision or not.
They should be closest to the person who will care for them the most. Period. That could be friends, family, or even a paid caregiver but they need to be near that person.
Madge20: As their friends may be elders themselves, the friends could be frightened to see the person(s) they once knew as their 'well' friends, the friends shun dementia (yes, sad, but true), the answer is never a simple one, but your parents should seek managed care near YOU.
SP19690: I'm old and you're for sure right about that! It's an individual thing, of course, but IMO many of us are just plain living too long. I totally disagree with "longevity" research aimed at further prolonging what can be very difficult years for old people AND their families.
No brainer--near you! Friends will fade away, family won't whether they like it or not. We moved my FIL to a facility a few miles from his former home because my husband's sister insisted that it would be cruel to move him away from all his friends and fellow church members. Sister lived in Oklahoma, we lived in Washington State, and FIL lived in AZ. FIL was a deacon in his church for over 25 years, volunteered with several non-profits, and hosted many community events. He and his deceased wife were "pillars" of their community. During the first few months, the church van picked him up at the facility for Sunday services. After a couple of months, FIL's friends stopped visiting. Yet, my husband and I were alternating trips every three weeks from our home in WA to FIL's facility in AZ for four years until he died. Because of that wretched experience, when my husband began showing signs of dementia, I sold our home in CA and moved four miles from our son in AZ. I was not going to let happen to our son and family what happened to us. It was terrible for my FIL and terrible for us to have FIL cared for so far away.
As time passes, having your father close to you will be imperative for both of your sakes. Good luck and lots of hugs.
Move them as close to you as possible!! The time demands will feel like you have a part time job, and the demands will increase a need for more hours as time passes. And their friends will more than likely die or become disabled during their time in the home. Your life and visits to them will be much more manageable if they’re close by.
This decision will impact your support system too. This could be your spouse, children (young/teens or adult). You don’t want them resenting, hesitating or refusing to help because it involves a long drive.
Here are some situations you will face to help you decide.
If they are placed near their friends over an hour away, I’m estimating you will spend 2-2.5 hrs round trip + fuel costs for each visit. The extra 30 mins allows for weather or traffic conditions. Insert your own estimates for a home near you.
1. it’s a really bad snow day and they’re expecting you to visit.
Which drive time do you prefer?
2. Mom is sick in the hospital and dad wants to visit her with you. You pick him up and go to hospital. Visit for few hours. You’re tired at the end of the visit … now it’s time to drive dad back to home, then yourself.
Which drive time do you prefer?
2a. Dad can’t visit mom with you because he has a cold. You tell him you’ll visit him after you see mom. Or you’ll visit tomorrow.
Which drive time do you prefer?
3. Mom & Dads friends are dying off. Only one is left and not able to visit mom and dad. You (& significant other or children) are their only visitor. You need to increase your visits from x days a week to x+3.
Which drive time do you, and others prefer?
4. In case you need help (you’re ill) and your husband or friend is more willing to help provide back up by visiting your parents.
Which drive do you think they want?
5. It’s thanksgiving and you’re hosting dinner. You want to bring them to your home for the day. Is that a short drive or an hour to and from their home. Note that most memory care patients don’t like long drives.
Which drive will make it easier for them to spend holidays with you in your home?
6. You’re exhausted most days after working at your job, visiting mom & dad, tending to kids, laundry, dinner , ie, managing your own life. Your significant other or friends complain you never have time, you are always tired.
Which drive will leave you less exhausted, & not make your SO or friendships suffer?
7. One of them is hospitalized and the hospital is near the home. Sane question for a rehabilitation facility… say after a fall.
Will you prefer driving to the hospital/rehab facility near you or the 2hour away home?
8. Their health continues to decline and one of them dies. You’ll probably increase your visits and the duration of each visit with the remaining parent.
Funny/Not funny how friends disappear................please find a facility that is easy for you to visit. A tried and true friend may show up a few times, but you must release your expectations of mom (dad, too) and her friends..........life is always changing. You will benefit from keeping everything simple. Learn to meditate (Mindfulness Meditation) can guide you through the rest of your life and take away needs for calming meditations. Please make an appointment (Zoom is great, too) with an Elder Law Attorney to guide you through the financials. Take care.
(I bet you meant to type 'calming medications', right? ;-} My fingers are often on 'auto-type' as well, so just had to tease a bit. Your comment is spot-on!)
Lots of great responses. I checked with my mom's doctor's and they said to try and keep my 86 YO mom near her friends as long as possible. She's is still mobile and driving. Sure it's a bit difficult for me but she raised me and I'll do whatever I can for her even if it's a bit inconvenient for me. Turning out I think to be a wise choice.
If they have a lot of friends and they are all active in each others life, have them stay near friends and the area they are familiar with.
If in the future, they are less active (and they will get less active eventually) with others and you find yourself having to make an hr long drive frequently, then at that time move them closer to you (or you move).
As a senior 87 years old this has been very helpful. One son lives 15 min from me but is out of town working and has been promoted to a new position in another state. This means they will be leaving this area and I will have no family near. My other son lives more than 1000 miles away and is planning to have me move closer to him. The issue now is where can we find a place that will take care of me as I get older and need more care. I live alone now and am usually active and alert. But I know I will need more care as I get older and more feeble. Next problem we have is finances. Assisted living is very expensive and could require every penny of income that I can find. One side of me thinks moving 1000 miles to a new environment, making new friends, seeing and enjoying different country, a new adventure to enrich my life etc. BUT, the other side of me says "I'm too old for this." Time will tell how it all works out.
Near to you. You need to be close in order to see her and oversee her care. An hour is too far, friends won't be caring for her and they may/may not visit. Please be wise about this.
I agree what Grandma1954 said. After Covid my mom lost all her friends, and she was alone except home assistance. By having them close, you can do the little things for them that will make their day special.
BTW One hour distance is a three hour trip (with a visit).
I am going to give you 2 answers here and they will contradict each other. If mom and or dad need Assisted Living and that is the best for them, for their needs then I would chose a place near their friends and where they have a sloid community around them. While in Assisted Living they can come and go (they need to sign in and out) and they can have visitors as they wish. HOWEVER... If mom and or dad need Memory Care I would chose a place that is more convenient for you. As they decline and the dementia progresses their friends are less likely to come and visit. (They may well "forget" their friends) They will not be able to leave the facility as easily, someone responsible will have to sign them in and out and there is more responsibility and more challenges when it comes to dementia. With a decline in cognition the community that they are aware of will no longer be a factor. The world shrinks to a few people, a few rooms. More than that can bring anxiety and frustration. Now that I have muddied the waters I would probably select a location that has the best care, best facility that they can afford and make the decision based on that. (the other factor that might be important...are they and you happy with their doctors? moving them an hour away would they have to change doctors? )
Since you are only an hour away, if you decide to move your parents close to you, perhaps some of their friends would visit on occasion if they are still capable. Another option is perhaps for their birthdays if need be you could offer to pick up and bring a couple of their friends to visit for a small party. Perhaps a friend or two are able to use something like Facetime and you could to help arrange occasional meetings that way. If it were my choice, I would want my loved one closer to me to make everything easier as life progresses. You could then look for ways to help them feel she has not left all her friends behind.
Once she is settled, perhaps you could help her get involved in a local church and hopefully there may be new friends. You could try to assure them you will try to help them settle in your area as well as maintain some ties from their former area. Hopefully in time, when the former friends fade away there will be new ones to fill the void. Most couples adjust ok together where if you wait, the one remaining parent would probably have a much harder adjustment being alone in a new environment.
"Memory care" would be the deciding factor for me. My FIL was a very outgoing person with lots of friends (he was always doing favors for everyone). They drop off pretty quickly as dementia takes hold. That, and there's always the possibility of frequent calls from the facility - they aren't going to call the friends in an emergency.
Near. I honored my mother's wishes to keep her in her hometown, and last fall I had to move back here to help take care of her. I'm not saying necessarily I would do differently, But it took a huge toll trying to manage her care remotely for 7 years and now I just had to move back for her end of life (I hope)--even though she is in a facility, It is very hard to manage the day.to day remotely. Now I live only 5 minutes away and that is the one excellent decision I made. I can go there every day to make sure the facility is on their toes and it makes all the difference for me and her. They will miss their friends-- but most of not all would stop visiting quickly, especially if they are in memory care. You have to put yourself first. And it will be better for her if you're close. You will regret it if you're an hour away. There is always something that needs to be done and if they are a memory care you need to be on top of what's happening there. And out of all my mother's friends even her best friend visited only twice. They quickly lost interest or had their own illness to deal with.
I'm going to be the dissenting party here. I lived 10 hours away from my dad and chose to keep him in skilled nursing near his friends.
He had spent his entire life in that Metro area and had a vast community of life-long friends (the closest of them conveniently lived less than 5 minutes from the best nursing home in the area) and a very strong spiritual community.
He had visitors almost every day for the 3 years he was in that SNF. I FaceTimed him 2-3 times every day. I kept in close contact with his friends by text (they would let me know after they visited and I would let them know if there was anything medical going on).
I'd been asked if I didn't want to move him closer to me but I am incredibly grateful that I made the choice I did. Had he been here, I would have been his only visitor. As it was, he was able to continue to live surrounded by many people who cared about him, despite him being bedridden. I've never regretted that choice.
Clearly that was the right choice for you AND your dad, congrats on your clear sightedness! It is rare for a senior to have such strong community ties. Just goes to show every situation has to be evaluated on its own pros & cons.
I'm going to be the dissenting party here. I lived 10 hours away from my dad and chose to keep him in skilled nursing near his friends.
He had spent his entire life in that Metro area and had a vast community of life-long friends (the closest of them conveniently lived less than 5 minutes from the best nursing home in the area) and a very strong spiritual community.
He had visitors almost every day for the 3 years he was in that SNF. I FaceTimed him 2-3 times every day. I kept in close contact with his friends by text (they would let me know after they visited and I would let them know if there was anything medical going on).
I'd been asked if I didn't want to move him closer to me but I am incredibly grateful that I made the choice I did. Had he been here, I would have been his only visitor. As it was, he was able to continue to live surrounded by many people who cared about him, despite him being bedridden. I've never regretted that choice.
Near. I was lucky enough in the beginning to have my dad only 5 miles from me in assisted living. Now that he is in need of memory care, it’s 25 minutes away. Believe me that is a huge difference. Takes up a big part of my day almost every day. I’m trying to cut back to every other day. 🥴 everyone is right about the friends, my dad has out lived all his friends now. Even some of my friends who say they will visit, don’t. And I don’t expect that, they have their own families and lives. I hope you have some helpful siblings.
Probably closer to you . My Mom was an hour and a half away - I had to keep running back and forth and staying in hotel rooms - it got exhausting . I moved my brother closer to me once she passed .
Near you. " Friends" will not be making the day to day support decisions and, ultimately EOL decisions and, all care related decisions from this point forward: You will. Be sure that all POA documents are in place for you ( if you are designated as such) and, highly suggest that the closer your parents are to you, the better going forward. Needs and your presence will only increase and, removing the distance factor will greatly help you all.
If they have a strong circle of friends who you know will continue to socialize with them it may be an easier transition for your parents. Moving them closer to you will make it easier for you especially but an hour away isn’t too bad when you know they are cared for and safe.
near you, if you are their only child and you love your parents and want to see them more often. I had my family 5 minute drive. My friend has hers 20 minute drive, closest and nicest place where she lives. You do not want to drive more than 30 minutes to get to them... I don't think.... Question: Do their friends take them out for meals, dr appointments, etc? or do you? Or, find a place that may be doable for both you and their friends...?
It makes sense to place them in a facility near to you. You will want to visit one a week if not more. The easier it is for you, the better the situation it will be. Good luck.
My mom’s friends also dropped out of the picture once dementia took a firmer grip. It’s really sad.
One thing to maybe consider is, how is her doctor and health care access where she is? I live about an hour from my mom which creates its own problems, but moving her and switching providers from her good ones to ?? would’ve been trouble.
I did get a geriatric care manager to help step in when I couldn’t, and that has helped a LOT. Caveat I had to get creative with financing this.
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1) the ability to place your Mom and Dad in the same facility. This does not mean that they are in the same room, but the ability for them to easily have contact with each other.
2) management of the facility (caregivers, accounting, nursing, facility lock up, ability to communicate in the way you want them to, activities, ability to get access to appropriate doctors, etc.)
3) care of the individual
4) cost
5) status of the facility in its community (facilities will typically attract residents of compatible personalities, including their friends)
6) what does the facility do in case of emergency? Where do they take their residents? Do you like the hospital or medical facility that they choose?
7) are the facilities in different states? If so, individual state differences in medicare costs, procedures and licensing
Then after all that, then the location or presence of friends.
If your parents are in a good, safe, location which is well managed and to your specifications, it will need less energy and less emotional turmoil to take care of them. You and they won't mind too much if you miss a weekend or two. However, a facility that requires several calls and followup calls, will take up a lot of your time and make you question whether you made the right decision or not.
As time passes, having your father close to you will be imperative for both of your sakes. Good luck and lots of hugs.
This decision will impact your support system too. This could be your spouse, children (young/teens or adult). You don’t want them resenting, hesitating or refusing to help because it involves a long drive.
Here are some situations you will face to help you decide.
If they are placed near their friends over an hour away, I’m estimating you will spend 2-2.5 hrs round trip + fuel costs for each visit. The extra 30 mins allows for weather or traffic conditions.
Insert your own estimates for a home near you.
1. it’s a really bad snow day and they’re expecting you to visit.
Which drive time do you prefer?
2. Mom is sick in the hospital and dad wants to visit her with you. You pick him up and go to hospital. Visit for few hours. You’re tired at the end of the visit … now it’s time to drive dad back to home, then yourself.
Which drive time do you prefer?
2a. Dad can’t visit mom with you because he has a cold. You tell him you’ll visit him after you see mom. Or you’ll visit tomorrow.
Which drive time do you prefer?
3. Mom & Dads friends are dying off. Only one is left and not able to visit mom and dad. You (& significant other or children) are their only visitor. You need to increase your visits from x days a week to x+3.
Which drive time do you, and others prefer?
4. In case you need help (you’re ill) and your husband or friend is more willing to help provide back up by visiting your parents.
Which drive do you think they want?
5. It’s thanksgiving and you’re hosting dinner. You want to bring them to your home for the day. Is that a short drive or an hour to and from their home. Note that most memory care patients don’t like long drives.
Which drive will make it easier for them to spend holidays with you in your home?
6. You’re exhausted most days after working at your job, visiting mom & dad, tending to kids, laundry, dinner , ie, managing your own life. Your significant other or friends complain you never have time, you are always tired.
Which drive will leave you less exhausted, & not make your SO or friendships suffer?
7. One of them is hospitalized and the hospital is near the home. Sane question for a rehabilitation facility… say after a fall.
Will you prefer driving to the hospital/rehab facility near you or the 2hour away home?
8. Their health continues to decline and one of them dies. You’ll probably increase your visits and the duration of each visit with the remaining parent.
Which drive time do you prefer?
If in the future, they are less active (and they will get less active eventually) with others and you find yourself having to make an hr long drive frequently, then at that time move them closer to you (or you move).
BTW One hour distance is a three hour trip (with a visit).
If mom and or dad need Assisted Living and that is the best for them, for their needs then I would chose a place near their friends and where they have a sloid community around them. While in Assisted Living they can come and go (they need to sign in and out) and they can have visitors as they wish.
HOWEVER...
If mom and or dad need Memory Care I would chose a place that is more convenient for you.
As they decline and the dementia progresses their friends are less likely to come and visit. (They may well "forget" their friends) They will not be able to leave the facility as easily, someone responsible will have to sign them in and out and there is more responsibility and more challenges when it comes to dementia.
With a decline in cognition the community that they are aware of will no longer be a factor. The world shrinks to a few people, a few rooms. More than that can bring anxiety and frustration.
Now that I have muddied the waters I would probably select a location that has the best care, best facility that they can afford and make the decision based on that.
(the other factor that might be important...are they and you happy with their doctors? moving them an hour away would they have to change doctors? )
Once she is settled, perhaps you could help her get involved in a local church and hopefully there may be new friends. You could try to assure them you will try to help them settle in your area as well as maintain some ties from their former area. Hopefully in time, when the former friends fade away there will be new ones to fill the void. Most couples adjust ok together where if you wait, the one remaining parent would probably have a much harder adjustment being alone in a new environment.
He had spent his entire life in that Metro area and had a vast community of life-long friends (the closest of them conveniently lived less than 5 minutes from the best nursing home in the area) and a very strong spiritual community.
He had visitors almost every day for the 3 years he was in that SNF. I FaceTimed him 2-3 times every day. I kept in close contact with his friends by text (they would let me know after they visited and I would let them know if there was anything medical going on).
I'd been asked if I didn't want to move him closer to me but I am incredibly grateful that I made the choice I did. Had he been here, I would have been his only visitor. As it was, he was able to continue to live surrounded by many people who cared about him, despite him being bedridden. I've never regretted that choice.
He had spent his entire life in that Metro area and had a vast community of life-long friends (the closest of them conveniently lived less than 5 minutes from the best nursing home in the area) and a very strong spiritual community.
He had visitors almost every day for the 3 years he was in that SNF. I FaceTimed him 2-3 times every day. I kept in close contact with his friends by text (they would let me know after they visited and I would let them know if there was anything medical going on).
I'd been asked if I didn't want to move him closer to me but I am incredibly grateful that I made the choice I did. Had he been here, I would have been his only visitor. As it was, he was able to continue to live surrounded by many people who cared about him, despite him being bedridden. I've never regretted that choice.
" Friends" will not be making the day to day support decisions and, ultimately EOL decisions and, all care related decisions from this point forward: You will. Be sure that all POA documents are in place for you ( if you are designated as such) and, highly suggest that the closer your parents are to you, the better going forward. Needs and your presence will only increase and, removing the distance factor will greatly help you all.
Question: Do their friends take them out for meals, dr appointments, etc? or do you?
Or, find a place that may be doable for both you and their friends...?
For me, I had my family, minutes away from home.
One thing to maybe consider is, how is her doctor and health care access where she is? I live about an hour from my mom which creates its own problems, but moving her and switching providers from her good ones to ?? would’ve been trouble.
I did get a geriatric care manager to help step in when I couldn’t, and that has helped a LOT. Caveat I had to get creative with financing this.
Do what’s best for you overall, take care!
eventually things get tougher , and then you will have to move her again.