My mom doesn't believe my sister is her daughter. What do we say to her?

Do not argue with her.
If she insists that Billie Jo is not her daughter let it go. Billie Jo knows, you know and so does the rest of the family.
When she asks about Billie Jo's parents tell mom about HER, her husband (your dad) and the rest of the family. Tell mom that she had a good mom, that she loved her. If mom asks why she is not with her mom just say mom is not feeling well and we have some very nice people taking care of her.

I doubt seriously if my Husband knew I was his wife. He did not call me by my name the last 4 or 5 years of his life. Occasionally when we were out he would follow someone and I would ask where he was going and he would say he was looking for his wife. Did it upset me? Not really it made me sad. But also happy that he still knew I was a safe person for him.

I think with dementia we all loose identity .
The person with dementia looses themselves.
We lose ourselves as individuals
And our loved ones no longer know us for who we are.
Sad all the way around.

Don't stress about this, you all know who you are.

There is a name for this. It’s imposter syndrome or capgras syndrome.
Here is an article that will help you understand it better and some suggestions.


https://www.healthline.com/health/capgras-syndrome

There was a post on here once where a caregiver wife told her husband with Alzheimer’s when he insisted she wasn’t the wife that the next time the other wife showed up to have her do some laundry.

My FIL had a similar problem with his house. He thought he had another house in a neighboring community that was exactly like the house he was living in. You won’t get her past it by trying to convince her she’s wrong. The article has some suggestions.

What do you say to your mom or your sister? If there is a way to help your mother recognize your sister it probably won’t last long, while we haven't experienced this yet, from what I hear it can happen and typically with the main caregiver. It’s not in Moms control and that’s the thing your sister need to try to remember, it has nothing to do with her or your moms love for her.

I can’t imagine how hard this is for your sister and for you watching her go through it. It strikes me that your mother knows who you and your siblings are on the phone, perhaps your sister “the real” Billy Jo should try chatting on the phone with her. Maybe it’s a visual disconnect and changing her appearance when around mom would help, I’ll wear a hat Mom so you know which one is me but when I’m not there the other Billy Jo is there to help me out so please be nice to her”.

I think Mom thought I was her mother at times. Just by the way she reacted to me. She never mentioned my Dad or her 2 middle children. Just the baby and me the oldest an we are almost 12 years apart.

You are not going to be able to change Moms mind. They get something into their minds and you can't change it. Your sister is going to have to just play along. Maybe say "Billie Jo had to go to work and she asked me to come over and do some chores for her and make sure you were OK"

You also need to realize that your Mom may not see her Billie Jo as an adult but as a child. This happened with my daughter and my Dad. She was trying to help him and said "Pop Pop its Renee" he said "No its not, Renee is a little girl".

Your Moms brain is literally dying little by little. You can no longer reason with her. They lose the ability to empathize. Their short term memory loss will not allow them to remember from day to day, minute by minute. They become self-centered and like small children. If this gets too much for your sister, think about placing Mom. Dementia has no rhyme or reason and because of this, its very hard to deal with.

She has something called Capgras syndrome ( look it up) it’s also called imposter syndrome. My husband has it as well. He’s 72 and got this in the last 2 years believes he left his family and I’m the “ other woman”. Will not even acknowledge our wedding pictures . We are each other’s one and only and have been married 51 years. He also does not think our home is his home. It’s a terrible partner of Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. Do not argue with her or try to convince her … it will make her more agitated. Just try to divert. Sometimes just leaving the room or the house for a few minutes then coming back in will help. Good luck …. This stinks and many times my husband try’s to leave, insisting he has to get home to his WIFE. Truly heartbreaking 💔

My younger brother's hair turned white in the last few years. Every time he took his hat off in Mom's presence she would ask who he was. She didn’t believe us when we told her it was her son. I think she was remembering him as the little blond boy he used to be.

Try to remember that her brain is broken and her beliefs are a product of the reality she is now living in . Just placate her . There have been some really good responses already listed .. prayers are with you ..

Have you had a talk with your mom about her Alzheimer's? If she accepts she has a problem, then you can have post it notes all around the house for things she will be forgetting. For me, I was able to remind my mom who I was when she insisted her daughter Karen was dead. I said, "I can PROVE I'm your daughter, Mom." She asked "How?" I said I AM THE ONE WHO YOU SAID RUINED YOUR LIFE AND I WAS THE REASON FOR ALL YOUR PROBLEMS." She said, "Oh, YOU ARE my Karen." Hahahaha. Is there any memory that your sister can use to jog your mom's recollection? By the way, if this should evolve into her having aggressive and attacking tendencies, it may begin to be unsafe for her to be living with your sister and you might want to, then, consider moving her to a home for Alzheimers.

Your mother has dementia. Find the humor, if you can. But be aware that it will likely get worse and it may become untenable for your sister if your mother begins to see her as the enemy. It can happen very quickly. For example in my case, on a Sunday my mother seemed OK, but by Wednesday I was a "prostitute walking the streets." Within days of this episode, my mother became hyper paranoid and began calling the police at all hours of the night saying I was "coming through the chimney, stealing her furniture."

Prepare yourself.

My sisters and I have gone through a very similar situation with our parents as both have advanced dementia. My advice is to not argue and change the subject. It is to confusing for them to comprehend and makes them scared and agitated. It is truly a heartbreaking disease.

Usually that's coming from the lack of signs from Billy Jo about who she is, connected to who she was. It doesnt have to be a new and permanent change. My mom every so often would become insecure, like at the store, when we went to the car, and she yelled for the police. The security guard came and I showed him and her my wallet and license and hers, both same last name and address. She was fine after that. don't tell me they don't remember things. Every so many weeks or months it would recur. Finally it quit happening.

I learned to talk about grandma, her mom, and grandpa, and bring it up on my own things from her past how I sure miss grannie's cook and kolatches, and poppy seed rolls. Then I began singing the songs she likes. When she hummed a tune, I complemented her on it and try to learn what song it was and certainly to hum the tune around her. I also write music as did mom, so I wrote little polkas, which when a man sings a polka, hums the tune of it, around a elderly person, around anybody, it creates a happy atmosphere where trust abounds. Happiness. Your sister will be aided tremendously by talking about your mom's interests. She obviously is very caring as she is the one there. A few alterations and it should be fine. It will help brain inflammation if she can give her liquid acetaminophen every 12 hours, about 167 mg each dose, mixed in with a drink. You can also dissolve her aricept and lorazepam in the drink. Then you don't have to try to get them to take a pill. because your sister is in charge of giving the meds, that itself is a cause of paranoia for a memory patient. Because to them they don't take meds, so why are you giving me this? You must be trying to hurt me. Therefore, you can't be my Billy Jo. I treated mom with her meds dissolved for many years and it doesn't destroy their strength. I took a 23MG aricept, dissolved it in Pedialyte and made it into 3 drinks, one every 8 hours. If I missed a meds drink, she might have an episode. Just for being late, too. But once I began the regimen of 350 mg of acetaminophen, Tylenol, I was able to just give her two of her Aricept glasses a day, every 12 hours and save the third one for the next day. It was a miraculous discovery. She didn't want her midnight drink. (8am, 4pm, midnight). I said Okay. After two weeks on Tylenol, she said that. She refused meds, technically. I sai, Okay, now we see if the effect on brain inflammation is valid or if she blows up in the morning due to no meds the night before. She got up at 3 to pee and went straight to bed. Miracle. Then got up at 8am and was sweet all morning. I even delayed her 8am dose to 10am to see if there woud be any hint of the usual craziness that always happened when she missed a full dose. NOTHING. Wow. So A week later this happened again. Miracle. And after the week after that, the third time I said Okay, you'll be okay, same miracle. Soo I quit give the 23MG of aricept in 7 2/3rd MG portions three times a day and went to 7 2/3rds TWICE day, saving the third dose. After 18 months, I had 6 full bottles of unused aricept 23 mg. And NO episodes. I also reduce her lorazepam (ativan) from 4.5mg a day to 1mg a day. All of this is unheard of, as all dementia alzheimer caregivers can tell you. I credit everything I did to fight brain inflammation with mom's turnaround. Tylenol was the greatest of them all. Just think about it and you'll see it makes sense. It's the only NSAID or pseudo-NSAID that goes INTO THE BRAIN and that's why I tested her for it. You won't get in trouble for doing the same thing. You have the right to give your mom any number of pain relievers. Tylenol is on the approved list. The only thing to be concerned about, in my psychological opinion, that's my field, is the liver. But if your mom has a strong liver, then you can give your mom a single dose per day of 1 Tylenol a day. To make it easy on the liver, don't give it all at one time. Give it by drink 2 or 3X a day it's a small steady dose.

My father said and believes terrible things about me in his false memories. My brother recognized it and took advantage of it by having father write me out of the will.

Has this happened to anyone else? I lost my father and my inheritance. While the money could be said to not be important, it actually is important. Not in the same way of course as my fathers love.

Your sister might try leaving Mom's room to "get" Billie Jo. Return and say hi Mom, I am here.
It might work and might not.
But as everyone else has stated, don't argue.
Best wishes.

I’ve seen this behavior with a former teacher who passed away—she didn’t recognize her own husband, she thought he was her butler and that she lived in a mansion. It’s alarming but I think the husband “solved” it by agreeing with her story, holding her, singing to her, doing whatever he could to be kind and loving. Arguing and logic can be futile in these situations, I know how alarming it can be for you. Talk to a gerontologist or nurse specialist about advice on how to best handle it. Good luck to you.

If I were Billie Jo I'd tell your mother I was a niece or grand-niece of a particular sibling of your mother. That way I'd be "related" to your mother, which might help your mother to be relaxed about our relationship, yet "distant" enough it would be reasonable your mother would not know me that well.

Your mother can't help that she can't recall Billie Jo. I cared for my mom the last 13 months of her life and I don't think she really knew I was her daughter. It didn't bother me one bit; it was just another piece of the disease. I just focused on (and greatly appreciated) that Mom was still her sweet self, that we got along wonderfully, and I just did the best I could to make her happy and keep her safe.

I do like Chickie1's recommendation.

For great advice on how best to care for a person with dementia, see Teepa Snow, expert on dementia/Alzheimers extraordinaire, for her insightful and easy-to-understand videos on YouTube or the this website: https://teepasnow.com/

Hzve the Dr take a urine sample to Make sure your mom doesn't have a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI).

Also let your mom's Dr know and see if it could be one of her med's that's is doing this.

if neither of the two things above then Go With The Flow.
My 97 yr old Dad with Dementia has gone thru this and their is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change their mind.

If they think it then it is True To Them.

The Best thing to do is go with it.

Do or say whatever will make the loved one feel better.

Make it up, you don't need to give them more anxiety. Just say the real daughter had to go somewhere and this one is taking her place.

Have the daughter say ok, I'll go get the real one then step out of the room and return as the real one and say you sent the other one home.

Do and say whatever works.

Do or say what ever brings your mom Peace.

The Brain in your mom's head is not working properly and Yes, it can be awful, just think how mom must feel and only you can keep her feeling loved, safe and happy.

Prayers

You're always best off by going "with" her rather than trying to change her mind. Accept her belief and gauge your conversations to fit her reality. Suggest to your siblings, especially your sister, Billie Jo, that when she talks about "the other girl" rather than trying to convince her otherwise, ask her what she enjoys doing with this other girl - or something similar. You always want to reinforce the positive.

Wow! That is so similar to my situation for the last 3 years. My wife says a lot of the same things to me. She calls me "the other Jay " and is constantly asking people where I am and who is the imposter living with her. The best thing I can tell you is don't argue with her. I know it's hard but tell your sister she has to sometimes act as the imposter. It makes life much easier. My wife has had parkinson's disease for 19 years and she developed this dementia as part of the disease. Her neurologist said it was called Capgras syndrome and occurs in about half of Parkinson's patients. It's also very similar to Lewy Body Dementia. If you want more information, look up those 2 things. It's very helpful.

maybe tell her that Billie Jo had to take a trip to handle some business and that she left her very best friend who is very helpful to stay until Billie Jo gets back. tell her that she (your mother) can trust this woman very much. it is normal for ones with dementia, other mental issues to forget. wishing you luck......but don't try to argue with her and insist because it will be upsetting............

That was one of the hardest things with my dad. Somehow by God’s grace up until the end he seemed to know who I was as his main caregiver, but others such as my son who would come frequently to help he thought was my “new husband” (my husband had passed away by this time) and he insisted my “new husband” didn’t like him or want him there. I don’t know how many times I told him “that’s your grandson!” and that I’d never marry anyone young enough to be my son anyway lol! I saw a suggestion before that you could tell her that’s her daughter’s best friend and very trustworthy. I think that’s your best bet. It goes against all we've been taught to tell our parents fibs and it’s hard to do but with dementia sometimes you just don’t have any other choice. Perhaps with time she’ll trust this “other person” if you go along with the delusion.

Some persons with dementia have a different reality. You should accept their reality rather than try to correct them. Figure out the best approach for you and your sister to live with mom's new reality. Be aware that her reality may change at any time - perhaps for the better, or possibly take a turn for the worse.

My Mother had LBD, and she always remembered who I was, and my brother too. She would call my niece by my name and didn't seem to know who she was. I guess it effects everyone differently. I am so grateful that she never forgot me. It must be hard when your mother doesn't know you anymore.

She'll let it go. Probably by the time you've read these - she'll be on to the next thing. There's really no point in arguing about it or convincing her otherwise. You cannot convince someone with Alz/Dementia of anything other than frustration for everyone. Just keep on moving forward and don't allow it to be a topic of conversation.

This "impostor Syndrome actually has a name Capgras Syndrome. It is very painful to the child or spouse who is not known, but once you understand this disorder, you can find ways to deal with it.
Here is one website: Capgras Syndrome in Lewy Body Dementia https://www.verywellhealth.com/capgras-syndrome-in-lewy-body-dementia-98556

If she won’t let it go, you let it go. Why aggravate her?

More than likely mom's brain is stuck in a period of time many years ago. Her brain may be remembering what Billie Jo looked like as a kid, teen, or younger adult. Tell Billie Jo to ask mom if she remember ever meeting her or who she looks like.

Even better use another phone from another room and call mom. It's possible she will recognize the voice, but not the face. If the phone call works, then she can tell mom on the phone that the person in her house is also named Billie and is helping 'me' take care of you. (I say this because evidently mom is still calling siblings because the voice belongs to those she remembers. If you showed up, she may have problems associating your faces to the faces she remembers in her brain).

Billie Jo may just have to go along with whoever mom thinks she is on any given day. This is much harder for BJ because she is there doing the hard work and the logical brain would think mom's memory would hang on to her longer than the rest of you because she's with her all the time. Heartbreaking to see the decline.

My Dad did not know who I was sometimes. I asked him if he felt safe with me, even when he didn't know who I was. He said he did. When he'd get frustrated that he wasn't thinking right, I'd calmly tell him that's normal when you get old and that's why I was there to help him. That worked.

Dont try to convince the person otherwise, just support that this Billy Jo seems to be doing a good job helping.

This is sadly not unusual and very painful to Billie Jo.
It is a part of what can happen with dementia.
Leave it alone. Do not 'fight' or 'argue' with your mom.
It is the changing brain chemistry / losing brain cells 'talking' and 'seeing' -
No, you'll never get 'her past it' - you have to learn what dementia means and how the brain functions. Go to TEEPA SNOW and watch some webinars.
While it is difficult, support your sister to not take it personally.
The brain doesn't know any better or who is who.
Understanding dementia will help the painful reality of your mom not recognizing your sister. My heart goes out to you, your sister, and your mom.
Gena / Touch Matters

Consider this a minor stroke that your mom can't access the information that Billie Jo is her daughter. When you tell her "the truth", it isn't "sticking" either.

It might be better to just call your sister "Billie Jo like your daughter" and leave it at that. The less everybody makes a big deal of it and moves on to other subjects, the sooner your mom will stop obsessing.

If your sister notices your mom obsessing or getting upset about other things or later in the day, talk to mom's doctor. When life becomes increasingly difficult to understand, it is natural to get anxious or to act out. A mild anti-anxiety medication can help your mom to relax.

A good friend of mine took care of his father and then his mother and gave me great advice I've never forgotten. When they don't recognize you anymore, you jump into their world with them and then go into your room and cry. My mom asked me to prove I was her daughter. With dementia, patients go to a place in their lives when they were happy and felt secure. Sounds like she sees her daughter as when she was 8 or so. I gently reminded her that I have 2 grown children, that I long to be 8 again so she could hug me and make everything better and how great she still is about that. Most of the time, these lapses are forgotten about within minutes unless she is very far along in her illness. Treat her like mommy. It helps that she feels useful and knows you need her. Feeling useless or unneeded is devastating to anyone at any age.
Hope that helps. (My dad often thinks I'm my mother or asks me when mom is coming home. I NEVER tell him she died, just that she went to the store and with traffic and the few errands she had to run, she could be a while. He feels better and forgets all about it within minutes, just knowing she'll be back calms him immediately.
Jump into their world. Best advice I have. (Thanks, David!)