My mom is trying to beat the system again, where do I turn? How can this still be happening?
I found out 2 days ago that my mom had started the process to try to have her FL driver's license reinstated. I thought this would be impossible to do, because she got a DUI in PA in early Sept and when she refused the mandatory PA blood test her PA license was immediately suspended. (she had a month or so to turn it in, which she did). The actual criminal DUI part has not been addressed by a judge yet and is likely months away at best.
Yesterday after coming home with her from a long eye appointment (where she was supposedly told her vision is good, and good enough to drive!) I calmly told her -- on this driving stuff, you can't do anything for at least a year, your DL in PA is suspended. She came back at me that her LAWYER told her it's okay because the two states are separate. I tell her that can't be true, I ask to talk to her lawyer, she refuses.
I ask her what doctor filled out the form saying she is okay to drive, thinking she couldn't have even got that far. She informs me she had to get THREE to say it was okay, and she proudly announces she did get three, 2 in PA and the doctor in Sarasota, her old town (for any of you remember that out of town visit with her old neurologist a few weeks ago).
Then she shows me a paper she just got from the FL DMV. I could NOT believe my eyes! It said they received the info from the doctors and basically gave her the green light to get the eye check, written test, and driving test, and if she passes, she is good to go.
I try to say she will have to lie on her application because it will ask about any suspensions in other states, and she tells me it's okay. Her LAWYER told her it's two separate states. Things go south fast. She screams THREE doctors said I am good to drive and only the ONE "That you LOVE" thinks I shouldn't. I walk towards the door and on the way out I call her a liar as she slams the door on me.
I get home she calls, I let it go to VM. Check VM, and she tells me she just talked to her lawyer and it is okay for me to call him, leaves the number. I call the lawyer and first thing I ask is Can you tell me how it is legal for my mother to drive in FL with a DUI suspension in PA??
This jacka** then tells me that he has lots of clients that get out of state DUI's and if they have a valid license in another state, they can drive in that state. I go OFF and he back tracks and says that he implied if a person had a LEGAL, valid license, and that he doesn't practice in FL and can't advise her on FL. Then when I ask about the suspension he tells me that until the DUI goes through the current suspension is considered "administrative" and likely won't show up if anything is searched. I was fuming so hard I had to hang up. I plan to file a complaint against him with the PA bar when this is over.
My mom has the written part of her test scheduled today. It's 45 mins away, the same place we took her to get her ID card. I refuse to take her or help her do any of this, but I fear she will be able to get away with it by passing these tests, and even the driving test. I am at my wits end. I woke up in tears today, and have no idea what to do next.
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You realise she's enjoying this? Stop playing her game.
And, by the way, *what* is she planning to drive? Where's her car?
You stop answering her phone calls or knocks.
She is NOT your child and you are not responsible for her happiness or safety.
You think she can pass a driving test? If she can, then this all the fault of the state of Florida.
Her muscle memory (I think that's what it is called) for driving is still there. But like the doctor who went over her evaluation in early 2019 told her other parts of her brain are not working and anything unexpected she is at high risk for not being able to react and getting into an accident.
I feel like I have to try and stop this, I just fear I won't be able to, again. I'm going to call the DMV where she is scheduled for the written test today, hope that I get a person who will listen to me and help, and see if that works.
I'm not taking her anywhere while she is trying to pull this crap.
Disconnect the battery..
Disconnect the Coil Wire. No spark, no engine start/run.
For older Cars pull the distributor rotor. Same as #2.
Disconnect the Ballast Resistor.. car will start but not run.
Pull the starter relay or its fuse/circuit breaker.
Refuse to drive her to get the test. Put on YOUR thinking cap and see to it that she NEVER gets behind the wheel of a car again.
Nails work great for creating flat tires, too, by the way.
YOU, my dear, are smarter than SHE is. Lawyers or no lawyers.
Good luck!
My mom can't drive. We have all the keys. DH used to own a car repair shop he can disable the car no problem.
I'm not enabling any of my mom's efforts to get a DL. The histrionics are on blast but I either walk out or hang up. When the state of FL tells her she can not get a FL license, even if she was the best driver in the world due to her DUI suspension in PA maybe it will dawn on her that I was telling her the truth all along.
Then again, probably not.
We got back to her place safely, but in the 3 miles (maybe) that she drove we nearly caused 4-5 accidents. She simply wasn't capable of driving in traffic. On the 'road test' that the DMV does, she would have passed. It was all the other people on the road--not her.
She lives with YB. I went and told him she should not be driving--he was aware of it and DID disconnect the battery and whatever else he could--and then remained 'too busy' to fix her car.
She had hip surgery so she could return to driving. The surgery took her from using a cane, occasionally, to needing a walker full time. She still insisted she could drive, so YB had her go out to the car and 'prove' to him she could.
Well, she couldn't even get the doors open and her walker stowed, much less start and drive the car. She was furious--as this was her very last hope for independence. Her own mom quit driving at about 75 and used cabs and mass transit and I never heard her complain.
Somehow I became the 'bad guy' in all this. I didn't care, b/c she was a holy terror on the roads--just lost the ability to drive. She would NOT take the Sr Citizen bus, she would NOT take Ubers...I understood. But MY concern was that she'd hit a person or cause a really bad accident. Every inch of her car was dented, scratched, the side view mirrors were all duct taped on. If a car could talk--this one would beg for mercy.
It's so hard when our LO's see that failing--and they WANT to be independent, and it's not like we are being mean--we're being cautious.
Nothing to feel guilty about. Let her be mad. That has been hard for me--when mother gets mad at me, I have to step out for a while.
My mom won't know I called, she will just be told a license can't be issued until PA is resolved. End of story.
Thanks Barb for always being there, and you too JoAnn (and everyone). I am so relieved she will not be able to get back on the road.
And I will tell you guys something, her lawyer was WRONG, giving me that BS about a "administrative" suspension not showing up, and how states don't really check the interstate compact. I just found out they DO, and I am still fuming that he gave my mom that info and caused her to think she could do this, and for what he told me. It caused a lot of grief. When her DUI case is over I'm reporting him to the bar, and plan to write a horrible review on him online!
Don't go silent on your brother and sister. Believe me, there are worse problems ahead that you all need to be together for.
Your brother and sister don't argue with your mom. They don't feed her narcissistic need for a floor show of which she is the headliner.
"That's nice" can be a neutral response to whatever is being thrown at you.
Glad you leave when you feel yourself being triggered by her manipulations.
(((((Hugs)))))
The Department of Motor Vehicles will do all the testing. If Mom passes and if the interstate checking on the DUI is not a problem, then your Mom will get a license. And no, you should not drive her or participate in any way, nor should you be in her car when she is driving if she is impaired.
So sorry. Not everything can be missed. You can call the DMV and ask if there is anything else you can do. But with the letters, there perhaps is not. Wishing you good luck and sure hope you will update us.
She called me yesterday so upset because she Ubered to the DMV, which was $30 each way since she did not go to the closest one, she made the first appointment she could get and didn't care that it was further. One she got there she told me she couldn't take her test because she "forgot some paper" so she had to reschedule for today which she claimed she was going to do as soon as we hung up.
I calmly told her "well there is no rush" and she went OFF. She started screaming that HER LAWYER told her that this is happening because her daughter doesn't want her driving! I was in shock. I said that can't be true and she kept repeating it until I said I have to go now, and hung up.
She then sent a text insisting there was nothing wrong with her and she can drive, and saying she didn't want me and DH taking her places and other things that were just sad. Also repeating that this was MY fault.
I wish she wasn't struggling so hard with this, being abusive, etc.... but she is SOOO desperate. It's like her life will end if she can't drive.
I texted both my siblings and told them. I also sent them a copy of her text to me so they could see her ridiculous claims that her lawyer said I am the reason she can't drive. I literally have NOTHING to do with her getting a DUI in PA.
I asked them to call her to check in with her because she is so distraught, and I'm her whipping post again. They both said they would and would keep me posted today.
I just want this drama to be over, for her and in turn me.
By the time you add up fuel, insurance, maintenance and repairs - not even counting fines and penalties and admin - plus the capital costs: that's an awful lot of Uber your mother could easily afford if she didn't run her own car.
Oh boy. I hope she stops seeing you as the enemy eventually :(
This will not stop until the state tells her NO.
Oh BTW Country you asked about her car. It is still here, and we have the keys. All the keys.
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