My mom just passed away. I'm wondering how others have dealt with grief? This is awful.

I was 27 when I learnt that my brother, who was 16yrs older than me and was also like a farther figure to me (since Mum was single parent), had a heart condition and COPD. 10 yrs followed of stress and worry with him ending up in hospital numerous times. He had piles of hospital papers. His COPD was rather severe as he was already missing a part of his lung since he was a kid. The last few years I could hear him struggling to breathe as he crackled away in his sleep. It would fill me with huge amount of fear and sadness and I used to drone out the noise in the next room with sound apps on my phone. I look back on that now and realise I was already grieving. Yet some of the most evident clues just didn’t click! I look back on photos now and think, boy he really was sick there, how did I not see it! I was also mad with him and I now realise I was angry at the situation, a situation I had no control over! Fast forward 10yrs, he passed suddenly at his home after getting pneumonia. He was in hospital, got released and then passed away 2 days later. It was a shock! A massive shock despite all the above. I knew it was coming but I didn’t want to accept it. Since his passing, Mum came down with dementia and so yet again the cycle starts. I feel like I have been grieving since I was 27 and I’m 39 now. I feel like my life has not really moved forward in a proper way since that day back in 2009. HOWEVER, what I can say is that while I do still wish my brother was alive, since his actual passing in 2019, I have now entered a phase where I am glad his not here suffering and in the process of healing. I now think it’s actually selfish of me to wish that he was alive when it was so hard for him. He now rests in peace and is my angel. So what I can say is that it does get easier and the death is what triggers the healing... slowly. It’s just unfortunate that in my case I feel like I’m again pre-grieving for my Mum. While she’s still here, she’s not really the mother I knew. I feel you and it’s tough! It will get better, slowly. Now with Mum when I have a panic attack over how or if I’ll actually handle losing her, I keep reminding myself of how I begun to heal over my brother. I know it will be ugly tough regardless and that I probably won’t know what way to be but it’s re-assured me that it is possible to heal. You will go through phases but you will get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs x

Your mother died at a young age. In other words, it was an unexpected event. This type of loss is the most traumatic. Your reaction (bereavement) to such loss is normal. You need a lot of support from relatives, friends and church. It will gradually fade away over time. If your bereavement is unmanageable and you become severely depressed, you should seek professional counseling. The good news is that it won't last forever. My sympathies and good luck.

Kthomas - OMG, you're only 28. too young to lose your mom, it is more painful as you're not prepared to be motherless at this young age. And your mom was too young to die, too. I am so sorry.

My uncle passed away last year from kidney and liver failure. He was only a few years older than your mom. His children were also in their mid and late 20s. His 10 y.o. grandson cried for his grandpa. That was such a heartbreaking thing to see.

Kthomas - I wish you strength and peace as you move through the healing process.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

58 is very young, my mother just passed away on January 27th, she was 93 had LBD but I believe she passed from dysphasia. The grief is surreal no matter how old or young, we were expecting it. But it probably was a shock to you at her age. All I can say is time, time will lessen the pain, it won’t take it away but one day all you will remember is the good times not the suffering from the disease that took her.

Kthomas814416: I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your quite young mother and send deep condolences. Please take care of yourself and remember - there is no time limit on grief.
Hugs and love,
Llamalover47

Kthomas...
You poor thing!! My heart cries with yours. Whether we lose our mothers from cancer, kidney disease, or old age, the end result the same: An overwhelming, crushing grief that consumes us day and night.
I will hold you and your precious daughter in prayer before the Lord on a regular basis.
Dont let anyone tell you it's ok, or you'll "get over it".... because you won't....your life and that of your daughter is forever changed. It will never be the same again.
I strongly recommend you and her find support through hospice, if you haven't done so already. I also strongly recommend a book...even tho it's secular, not Christian, it offers good, solid advice on how to deal with unimaginable grief, and how to deal with people who don't understand your grief. The book is called, Grieving, A Beginner's Guide. Written by Jerusha Hull McCormack.
Lastly, I urge you to Cling to God!! There is no hope, joy or comfort in this fallen world without God. C.S.Lewis said, "There is no joy or peace apart from God. There's no such thing."
Begin to study your Bible. Pray. Ask Him to help you and your daughter. Seek Him seriously, and He will be there for you. Make Him your Number 1. Keep Him front and center.
You need all the support you can get!
Im praying for you and your dear daughter. Shalom. 💜🕊💜

If your mom was ill and suffering its best to let her go to a place where she has no more pain and suffering. To want her to remain in that condition when she would not get better would be selfish on your part. She is in a better place yet still with you and your daughter. I just lost my mom last month. It was a hard pill to swallow even though she told me in the end " Im ready to quit this job" it hurts but I know she's no longer suffering. Time will heal the pain. Rest in the comfort of knowing she's no longer suffering and her body is now whole, healthy and complete. You now have an angle to watch over, guide and protect you and your daughter. Love, peace and comfort to you.

So so sorry for your loss! At your age you should have had her for so much longer. Life is often unfair and the grief is immense, right now it is a bleeding wound. That will stop but nobody can say exactly when.Go ahead and cry. Read kids books on grief and death with your daughter. The Fall of Freddie the leaf , The invisible String. It will help both of you. And eventually, memories will make you smile. You can also join a grief group-perhaps you have a Gilda’s club nearby.

I really don't have much to offer you because I was 54 and my mother died of dementia at 84. The only good thing is that she was sick for a long time and when her death came, it wasn't a shock. It still hurts and will always hurt. I can't imagine losing my mother at your age. I would feel that she was not finished raising me. Lost. I'll pray for you. May I suggest that you focus your energies on your daughter. She may fill some of the loss your mother left. I'll pray for you.

I have not lost anyone from liver disease, but I have lost loved ones when it was so early or just did not make sense. The horror and helplessness and grief were horrible - almost beyond what I could handle. This is part of life and we have no control over this and why it happens, we will never know. In your case, I am guessing you two were very close - and that is wonderful - not all are so lucky. In cases of such love and closeness, we definitely suffer more and we will never truly get over it completely. But, trust me, with time, comes a tiny sense of peace that there is no suffering and that you were blessed for the good times. I don't know what to tell you but you are in my prayers.

I'm so sorry that you have to experience this immense grief at your age. I lost my mother to dementia six weeks ago; she was 82. I can tell you that although the pain, the void, the shock, all seem unbearable at times, there are a few things that could help you deal with it better. Before my mom passed, I thought I was prepared for the loss. Little did I know! It hit me really hard. In desperation to keep my sanity and continue to function for the people that need me, I started to do any possible thing to ease the pain, the sorrow, and the shock. I talked about it, with friends, with family, with anybody that I had the opportunity with. Many times, expressing what we have inside helps us put it more into perspective; and listening to other people's experiences, shows us that, although our loss is unique and personal to us, we are not alone, most people have already gone through a big loss like this in their lives and they have overcome it. I also started reading the forums on this website and that helped immensely! Some cases were so similar to mine; and I read the replies from so many wise and caring people, as if they were written to me. I also put a lot of effort in not giving room in my mind to the traumatizing thoughts of the moments of the last days of her life, or what could I have done differently, or better, there is no valid point in any of that. I know I loved my mom, and that she loved me. So now, I work hard at remembering the good times with her, the good memories, and how she would have wanted me to do in this situation. I know that it would have made her very sad to see me suffering without hope of recovering, so I get strength from thinking on how strong she was and what she would have wanted. When trying to understand the reality of death, which in these moments seems so surreal, some comforting thought came to my mind: the best way to honor someone we loved that is gone, is by living the life we were given to the best of our ability, by learning, loving, sharing, teaching, and accumulating as many beautiful and rewarding experiences as we can, always remembering them and the lessons they intentionally or unintentionally taught us. Of course, I also did a lot of crying! One minute I would think I had it under control, and the next, I would have this overwhelming feeling of sorrow and grief. I would have to run to a private place to cry and sob until I'll run out of breath. Then, I'll blow my nose, wash my face, and continue with life, as we are supposed to. It has been proven to me that the popular saying "Time heals" is so, so true! I found that every day is a tiny bit better and that gives me hope. You have a little one at home and have the conflicting tasks of grieving and also being a role model to your daughter, who is probably grieving in her own way. You need to deal with your own pain but and at the same time, be strong for your little one and others that may depend on you. Give yourself time; treat yourself with kindness and patience. Take it one day at the time; you have gone through one of the hardest experiences a person has to go through in life. If possible, try to be around other people that could be of emotional support. Sick professional help, if needed. I can assure you that with time, you'll be remembering your mom with a smile and not with tears.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are so young, and your Mom was so young. That makes the loss so much more difficult. Even when we are grown we want the support of a parent's love for many years. You have lived with your Mom so there is an interdependency, and you have a young one now you will have to be there for, and guide through her own loss.
We all grieve differently. Try to find a grieving support group if you are able. For myself, the fairly recent loss of my brother was eased so much by the fact that we have both lived long lives already, have lived long enough to reach the stage that we knew that soon one of us would be leaving the other. That eased pain a whole lot.
For me it helped to make a scrapbook, one in which I kind of "talked to him" about thoughts of him on that day, about what I felt, about what I remembered. I decorated it with pictures, with collage and cut outs. This might help both you and your daughter "keep in touch" with your Mom, remember her, express your love. I used this for about a year and then I felt him moving "away", felt myself letting him go.
I wish you the best. There is a lot of your plate now being along, along with the grief. I hope you have some friends and some support, and remember that your Mom would want to continue to be a loved benefit in your life, not something that makes you unhappy.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Im so sorry for your deep lasting loss. Mom's are special....unlike anyone else.
Praying for you to allow yourself time and the strength to go on one day at a time. It will soften over time, a long time, but her love will live on in you.
Hugs

So sorry for your loss. My mom passed 4 years ago from NAFLD. It was quick; diagnosis to death was only 4 months. She was under hospice care during that time and taking morphine for the pain. It was hard for me to deal with her diagnosis and harder to watch her body deteriorate. Liver disease of any kind is horrible. And due to my mother’s age at the time, she was not eligible for a transplant. Nothing can prepare you for a loss of a parent. My mom and I were extremely close. I still feel the pain of the loss even 4 years later. I don’t think that pain will ever fully go away; but it does get better with time. For you it’s still too fresh. Work through your grief; take advantage of the counseling services through hospice if you can. Journaling was very helpful for me that first year.

I am so sorry for you, and I am dealing with loss of my dad just a few weeks ago and it does hurt and comes in waves. God bless you sweetheart as you go through this journey and the loss of your dear mother. I lost my dear mom almost 10 years ago and now with the loss of both of them it is overwhelming. They both had hospice care and were able to be in the home they loved. That does help but the pain is just as strong. My prayers and love are with you and your daughter. God is with us as we go forward in this journey, and you will find your way. It is one day and even one second sometimes and much prayer.

Sorry for your loss. The pain is indeed like no other. I am going through this now. My father died of pancreatic cancer on the 24th of Sept 2021, it has been a long and arduous journey. You need to take it one day at a time and be very forgiving with yourself and others. Thought it may sound “selfish” you do need to put yourself first and not take on additional responsibility or concerns because the grief alone will overwhelm your body and soul. You may have already noticed your body being affected by the grief—indigestion, lack of appetite, trouble sleeping, insomnia, extreme fatigue. These are not in your head, these are very real physiological manifestations of the emotional toll. Allow your body’s wisdom to guide you—it is purposefully slowing you down so that you can process the emotions and allow yourself to heal. Be aware that any illnesses you’ve had prior to grief may worsen—e.g. in creased blood pressure, so go to your doctor if you feel sick. The physical symptoms of grief take time to heal, they are beyond our control, and have a cycle all their own. Take walks and allow the fresh air and sunshine to heal you. Eat light meals, take frequent naps. Every day try and do something that lifts your spirits, even if it’s just for a short time. Be very discerning about the company you keep. You cannot afford to be with negative people. Often others, who are uncomfortable with grief, will try to “fix” you or not listen to you, ignore them. For example, after dad died an acquaintance suggested I join the choir, because I love music and enjoy singing, so I did, but the church was farther for me than it was for the other members, many of whom lived a block away, and when the winter weather and dark shorter days-made it hard for me to go, I realised it was stressing to me out so I decided to opt out. Well, thus acquaintance, and other women, many of whom didn’t drive and just bossed their husbands to drive them, with not a care for weather conditions or tire pressure, kept picking in me for being or not showing up (as well as being single, oh you poor thing) I decided I had enough of these petty holy rollers and just quit. Don’t worry about people pleasing or approval seeking at this time of your life, your mental emotional and physical health are too important. And that’s the thing. People don’t get it. And even people who’ve been through grief might not get your grief. Many of those petty choir women went through grief but they had their husbands and kids, they could not comprehend me, a single women. They were patronizing, patting my head like I was a poor puppy, I didn’t need that , even if they claimed they “meant well’. The last thing you need is to put on a facade and “stay positive “ for the comfort of others. If it helps, keep a journal or do a walking meditation. The cemetery where my parents are buried is a nice place to walk—so I often go there, because it’s bright with beautiful flowers, and I talk to God, I speak aloud and tell him all my troubles, not holding back on anything, strictly unedited. I allow myself to curse, cry, stomp my feet and complain about those bitchy people! But I also talk to him and to my parents and other deceased loved ones about my hopes and dreams and goals and how I want to live my life moving forward. Grief is so unique to each person that you need to listen to your body’s wisdom. No one can do thus for you. Don’t let others bully you into thinking there is a “right “ way to grieve. This is your journey. It may be wise to not overshare it. For example, I’ve found great comfort in decorating the house—I moved back in to my childhood home after mom died, and was able to take care of dad when he got sick—and paying homage to my parents’ hard work. I enjoyed going to this shop that upcycled old furniture. I also decided to take swimming lessons as I never mastered this in my youth. I decided to also take violin lessons. I spent time with old friends from college, who understood me.

First of all, KThomas, my heart breaks for you right now; I know your pain sweetheart, my mom passed away on December 7th, a little under two months ago. Losing my mom is a special kind of grief, my heart aches and cries for her, and I am 55. My mom suffered with stage 5 kidney failure, type 2 diabetes among other things, she was 76. She was in hospice care in her assisted living and declined so fast her last 3 months. My grief was worse watching her decline, this called anticipatory grief; just awful. Her passing was bitter sweet. I didn't want her to go, but she had no life, could eat, walk, and barely talk, so she us no longer suffering and this brings me solace. I've been trying to download pictures and make albums to remember her. I noticed my grief subside a little more each day, try preserve her memory in my mind. I think to myself, my mom would want me to be happy, so I push on. I've been practicing good self-care, exercising, eating better and watching my alcohol intake; this has helped. One thing to remember is to own your emotions, cry when and as often as you need to; there's no right or wrong way to grieve. A week after my mom died, I did a primal scream after my husband left for the store. It felt.so freeing and cleansing to get all the pain and anger out. I've been doing this periodically since her passing. Also, your moods will fluctuate, own those, cry, then move on. Try not to let the grief overpower your joy and ability to function in life. It takes time to heal, I'm still doing it and have my moments when I'm triggered to just ball my head off. I'm also a licensed mental health therapist, and seek support just as my clients do. Seek support in a form of friends, family, professional or grief group. Your gonna be ok, but do own your emotions right now, it so important. Sending love and prayers your way.

Kindly,
Vicki Matthews

A welcoming grief support group would probably be even better than a "grief counselor.". Other people who have experienced the death of a loved one will understand your shock and confusion. It will help you to be able to tell your story and to talk about your emotions. You will gradually learn you are not insane and you will begin to make sense out of your new reality. Of course you are devastated. Writing things down, as in a journal, will help you articulate and offload some of your feelings. Talking to other grievers will help even more. Despite your sadness, look for small moments of joy and beauty in your day. Your daughter may help you find some of those moments and those times will grow bigger.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I fortunately still have both my parents, but lost a sibling years ago. What helped me was to start journaling, I wrote as if I was talking to him still. I felt like he was still here by doing that. Take care of yourself. ❤️

Get a grief counselor even if you just talk to someone for a few hours . My Mom passed but I was busy taking care of my brother who passed 10 months later . I felt a lot of anger . Hospice provides grief counseling and some hospitals like Dana Faber have grief counseling also - Grief comes in waves and chapters . Enjoy your Daughter .

Hello, I am marking 5 months today of my mom's passing. My advice is to give yourself time. Relax,remember,cry,laugh. It hurts terribly because you loved her so much. Take comfort in your memories. Remember that she not only died but that she LIVED. You will make it through this time of grief. But at times it will be so overwhelming you will think you are going to never get through this period. Others have walked this path and come through which should help us take comfort...that we will too !!! God will Bless you on this path giving you comfort. I can attest to that.

No, but I lost my mom - who was my dearest friend at the time - at age 571/2, when she unexpectedly dropped dead in the hospital waiting for a procedure the next morning from a previously unknown heart condition. She had ovarian cancer but could have lived 10 more years, even back in the '70's when she passed. Since I didn't know how long she had, every day I told myself that I could do a new day without my mom - I actually practiced grieving and going on, and I am SO glad I did. It's tough, and it does get better, but 45 years later, I still miss her. That means wee both had dear, loving mothers - we wee blessed. I am not trying to minimize your grief, but at least you have your daughter. I had brothers, and that helped, too. Pray to God to see you through each day. I know He got me through at a very immature time in my life, when I had to wrap up her estate and become dad's guardian, who had advanced Parkinson's and cancer almost everywhere, poor guy. God bless and keep you and yours. KBH

My mom passed away on the 17rh. She was 85. In AL. Almost blind, almost deaf, completely incontinent. She was maintaining. She had had a great day. Good breakfast and lunch, social. Had a shoulder rub. Went down for her everyday nap, and when they went to do a routine temp check she was gone. So for her, it was very peaceful and it was her time. But I am still shocked and devastated because I wasn't expecting it and even the staff was very upset and shocked. Just sharing to let you know that losing your mom is terrible no matter what. Somehow we all get through it. Hugs and prayers for you as you get through each day. Hold on to your daughter, focus on her.

First I must say that I am so sorry that you have lost your mom at such a young age. Then I will say that you deal with grief one day at a time, and over time the sting and the pain of losing a loved one gets a little easier. I don't think it ever completely goes away, but in time we are better able to handle it.
I would recommend the book Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha W. Hickman, as that allows you to deal with your grief just one day at a time.
My husband has been dead for almost a year and a half now and I still read the daily meditations, as it has helped me a lot.
In time you may also want to seek out a Grief Share support group in your area, if you feel you need more help dealing.
May the God of hope give you peace and comfort in the days, weeks, and months ahead.

I'm so sorry for your loss and very grieved at her being taken at such a young age. Please keep asking God to show Himself to you through His comforting. May you receive answers and peace in your hearts.

I am sorry about your mother's death. We're on the same boat except it was my grandma, the person I have loved the most, to me, my mother. She left me about 1.5 week ago. I didn't lose her to stage liver disease but she did have stage 4 kidney failure and her dialysis treatment ended.

It's traumatizing. I've been reading the stages of grief and it changes periodically for me. I'm mostly in the bargaining stage (even though she is gone). I console my self asking God, the sky, the stars, the moon, angels, or whatever to send me a sign that she is fine. I am still waiting for it. Other days I am in disbelief, I know she is gone but for a split second I have the sensation that time will go back and I will opt to not place her on hospice- not very healthy thinking but that is what grief does to me.

Your mother was very young and I am truly sorry you didn't get to spend more time with her. All I can tell you is that you need to cry it out, yell it out, and seek comfort on those close to you such as - family, friends or support groups that will uplift your spirits for even a few seconds or minutes.

Believe your mother is no longer sick in this world. Again, my condolences to you and your little girl.

Time will help. Allow yourself that time.

My dad went from completely fine to dead from liver cancer in just six weeks. He'd had no symptoms to speak of, and was never even hospitalized. He went from doing everything he always did to "I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do" overnight. He was my healthy parent, and we were mentally prepared for my mother to die, but not him.

It was awful, traumatic, and devastating, BUT he was 88 years old, and I had him for 57 years of my life. You've been robbed and cheated, and this isn't how things are supposed to go these days. It's 100% unfair.

Please give yourself a bit of time, because this isn't going to get better in a week or two. Then get yourself into a grief support group. Call local churches and hospitals to find one. Keep a close eye on your little girl, and if she's suffering, get her help, too. There are groups for children as well..

I'm so sorry.