I try to get her interested in other things. She can't drive, so everything is catalogs. I tried throwing them out, but the mail comes while I'm at work. She gets hundreds of them. I'm struggling to pay for her very expensive meds, incontinence supplies, and all of our expenses. I've even had to clean out my savings and starting on my 401K. I beg her to stop but she says it's between me and my 2 brothers to figure it out " after all, I paid everything for you when you were kids."
I'm not getting any now other than from military organizations, but if? when? the economy stabilizes, I would anticipate the flood of unwanted solicitations.
Thanks.
How much do your brothers contribute? Maybe it's time for her to live with one of them if for some reason sending her to a facility isn't an option?
NONE of the siblings should be paying for her. She should be paying her own way. What is her financial status? Why can't she live somewhere else?
Firstly, are you her POA and have control over her finances? If so, then it’ll be easier on you. If not, legally, you cannot take away her credit cards or anything like that, but you CAN charge rent, and if your “rent” means that she shops less, than that is a win.
If you have POA, you need to contact a debt consolidation agency. They will combine all lines of credit, everything into a big pile. Then there will be only one bill a month, not 40 (yikes!).
However, my husband says that you’d actually be better off declaring bankruptcy on your mom’s behalf, so that all that debt would be forgiven. She won’t be able to get a credit card after, which should also be a blessing to you. That should stop the debt in it’s tracks, but speak to an agency first, so that you know her SS isn’t going to be taken away after the fact.
Looking at catalogs is fine, but shopping when you have no money is not! If you can get in control of her finances, you’ll then have a better picture of what’s left over that she can “shop” with. Maybe she can get an allowance - in cash. All online or catalog payments will now have to go through you.
Good luck!
Go online and ask that the catalogs be stopped. Catalogs and Magazines sell their lists.
In hindsight, you should have gotten a written contract with her having her pay rent in the amount of her needs. Then kept good records where each penny went to.
Do not go into your 401k. That is for your future. You need to tell her that you have no problem paying household expenses and food but she needs to be responsible for her prescriptions and Depends. That you are now broke and it takes every penny you make to keep a roof over your heads.
Does Mom not have a prescription plan. If she is low income, see if there is a State program you can get her. In NJ its called PADD. This is a separate plan from Medicaid health. And there is that too but her assets cannot be more than maybe 2k. I think her SS needs to be below a certain cap too.
Can u talk to ur brothers. Tell them she won't contribute and you now have no savings and ur not going into ur 401k. Maybe between the two of them they can pick up the prescriptions and Depends.
You may want to look at her scripts. Does she really need them. Can the doses be cut back. Are there generic brands or other type of meds that can be substituted. Does she take a statin for cholresterol. If so, if she has been taking it for years u may want a lab test done to see if her enzymes are high, if so, she should be taken off of it. With my Mom, months after a hospital visit she was still on a med for fast heartbeat caused by Graves desease. The desease was under control so I asked her PCP about it. He agreed to take her off. She went off of her cholesterol because of her enzymes. You may want to consult with her PCP.
Your future should not be jeopardized because you took care of a parent. I am a big believer in if they have money you use it till its gone. I did not pay any out of pocket for Mom till Medicaid. To sell the house I had to keep up the utilities. The house eventually sold, and I got my out of pocket back.
My MIL was always crying poor. When she died, she had 37k in the bank. She had spent her money on things she never used or needed. We found cassettes, CDs, and VCR tapes still in the wrappers. Magazines filled one small closet. Those figurines from magazines, pay $20 a month for 2 months and get a miniature teapot. Reader's digest books she didn't need. When I think of all the money she put out I get upset. If my FIL had been alive, it would have never happened.
If that is your belief system, please make sure that you raise your children with the same "slave" mentality, or make sure that you are independently wealthy.
You've been brainwashed. Seek therapy to understand why you are doing this to yourself.
What's going to happen when you get old and are needing your money for your care? Will there be any left, or will you have spent it all on your selfish mom?
You must understand that just because your mom birthed you, doesn't mean that you are responsible for her in any way as she ages. You owe her NOTHING!!!
And sadly I don't think that you believe that.
It's time to put your foot down and let her know that starting today, you will no longer be paying for anything for her, and that she will have to start using her SS to pay for the things she needs. And if she has to file bankruptcy on her credit card debt, then so be it. It's time that mom grows up and starts acting like an adult, and for you to put your big girl panties on and tell her that you're done helping her.
B: SHE should be responsible for all her 'stuff'.
My mom also gets 2-3 catalogs per day and amazingly, she needs something from each one, each week. So far she's been able to afford all the garbage she buys--but she has run into problems with things she returns--she doesn't want to pay the return fee. So she doesn't...and in a few months she is being dunned for hundreds of dollars b/c she won't pay to return stuff. Then I get called to deal with it.
I have cancelled many catalogs, and she misses them and calls to get them reinstated. Drives me nuts!
If you talk to her and tell her you will NOT be paying her CC bills as of NOW and also not paying for her meds, etc.
In a couple of months, or sooner perhaps, she'll start getting dunning notices. Those might get her attention.
At her stage of life, I doubt ruining her credit is going to be an issue.
GA has a good plan to talk to the postmaster--but frankly, my mailman (in jest) told me if I didn't get all these catalogs the USPS would go out of business. I believe you have to have some 'power' in this to cancel anything in mom's name. I didn't, but still cancelled a few catalogs.
I'd say let the chips fall where they may. She sounds canny enough to simply continue doing what she wants until there are ramifications serious enough to get her attention.
You might ask the local postmaster if there's a way to block all the solicitation mail she's getting, but they make money from more mail, so I'm not sure if that would help.
I do think you need to address the issue of her having "paid everything" for you when you were children. You didn't buy extensively through catalogues, did you? If not, this isn't an equal argument.
Are you actually paying for all these catalogue items? If so, I would in fact contact them and tell them there are NO more funds for purchases. And tell your mother the same thing, but the better choice might be to create a spreadsheet or itemization of everything you pay for her, how much you've drawn down on your own savings, and establish right then and there that everyone is living on a budget, i.e., that her purchases aren't affordable.
If she wants to buy from catalogues, there won't be funds for her expensive meds. Is she willing to compromise her health for her purchases?
And at that point tell the catalogue issuers that purchases made by her will have to be gratis b/c there are no more funds to pay for them. Has your mother given you any DPOA authority? If so, use that to cancel most of the credit lines.
Don't beg; tell her, and demand, if you have to. But also find something else to occupy her time. Can you get her involved with charitable activities?