They were codependent and enmeshed; I don’t know how to calm my sister down. She’s 51, is a hoarder, and can’t live without my mom to tell her what to do. She calls me constantly and cries she has no money. I’ve told her I will help her budget and make sure her bills get paid but she still cries and complains and asks for handouts. I can’t even grieve because she is draining my energy. Has anyone been through a situation like this? Have any advice? Thank you all for your words while my mom was in the hospital and rehab. It turned out to be a blood clot and it all happened so quick.
Everyone grieves differently. Your sister is taking your mom’s death very hard. She needs to process her death. She needs to find her own way now. Don’t allow her to become overly attached to you.
You are grieving as well. Accept that you are different from each other. She is needy and possibly insecure and you are independent.
If you need time for yourself, why not tell your sister that you need time to process your mom’s death privately.
You don’t have to spend all of your time discussing your sister’s needs. Explain to her that you need some breathing room.
Explain to your sister that you have offered to help her and she can either accept the help that you have offered or not. If she doesn’t then say that you are not willing to discuss it further.
Check to see if there is a GriefShare program in your area. She may be willing to participate in the meetings. You might want to attend with her for awhile or at least the first meeting.
Wishing you and your sister peace as you continue to grieve the loss of your mother.
She needs to grow up. Or, more kindly, she needs to start the process that should have began on her 18th birthday, more than 33 years ago.
If she doesn’t have money, she’s gonna have to woman up and get a job.
To be honest, if she is calling you constantly, I would block her calls. I’ve never had to do this, but I would imagine that if you could do it, you could allow contact first thing and then late afternoon, but avoid calls all day or all evening. Say your phone is playing up, and it’s the last straw for you! No time to sort it out now.
If she has enough money for food, that’s all she needs right now. One week after this is too soon to try to re-organise her whole life – for her or for you. Postpone the budget session until next month, by which time things will have settled down a bit.
I hope that you can cope OK with this very difficult time. Love, Margaret
Some people tend to gravitate towards others for help more often than they should and often wear out their welcome. Does this describe how your sister is?
If you are independent by nature then your sister’s ways are naturally going to rub you the wrong way.
It’s exhausting to deal with insecure individuals on a regular basis.
My oldest brother (now deceased) expected people to cater to him more than he should have. It would work on my nerves. It got to the point that I had to distance myself from him at times.
I am all for helping someone get over a hump but I don’t wish to be taken advantage of so I feel that it is necessary to set strong boundaries.
This way you are satisfying both of your needs. You won’t be enabling or disabling her and you won’t be taken advantage of.
Would it be possible to reach out to the hospital where Mom was to ask for their Social Worker to contact you & your sister?
I'm thinking a social service could be engaged to point your sister towards some short term immediate crises support - as it does seem she is in crises. She may also need longer term counselling & support as it may well be beyond her to pack up the house, consider her new life & move/downsize. She may need to acknowledge she has struggles & be accepting of involving some non-family help. Relying on just you is not the solution. While it is nice she trusts you, it's.not your responsibility to save her.
Like how the weight & panic of a drowning person can drown even the strongest swimmer. She needs lifeguards.
Maybe get through the week. Then have a think & start formulating plans with her. It may sound cruel, but propping her up, paying her bills, taking over, become her saviour won't help her in the long run.
If at 51 if she has never been independant, there will be reasons. The long view would be to help her find the right coucelling/support for herself. So she can start to build her new life after this crises stage.
You need to set boundaries with her and please don't give her money. She will bleed you dry.
Sister needs to start standing on her own two feet. She is only 51 years old.
What diagnosed psychiatric and/or cognitive issues does your sister have?
Did your mom leave provisions for her, like a Special Needs Trust?
Is her housing secure, or will she need to vacate? What is her food situation like? Can she cook for herself?
Does your sister have any guaranteed income, like SSDI?
Does she have a Case Worker you can call?
If your sister doesn't have an income, she needs to start applying for jobs. At 51 - if she's never worked before she can start earning credits for her retirement. Most 51 year olds work. It's not too late for her to start.
Could you tell us more about your sisters situation? Does she live on her own or was she living with your mom?
Is she on disability, have a caseworker, a doctor you could call? I’m wondering if she had some calming meds if it would help her regain more control? Her doctor might be willing to call in a prescription.
In this time of deep sorrow and grief I know it must be very hard for you to deal with her. I assume you are all she has but perhaps there are others? Boundaries to protect yourself and sufficient care for her might be very difficult to accomplish at the same time. I’m sure it feels overwhelming. I’m so sorry. Big hugs and keep posting. We want to help.
Okay, here's some advice from someone in a totally enmeshed relationship with their mother. She is beyond herself right now because it's likely that even though she may have been caregiving for your mother, your mother likely dictated what she wanted and your sister often carried out those plans. It doesn't matter if your sister worked outside the home or seemed somewhat independent; your sister is not used to being alone in the house or having another voice overriding her opinions. This is going to be rough on both of you. She is afraid and sad. Perhaps you and she can speak to her PCP and see if some calming meds can be prescribed. Then begin making sure she goes out, even if you have to drag her out. Does she have friends? Encourage her to contact them and start rebuilding connections. Your sister is operating at the level of an adolescent right now because she doesn't know any other way. Show her a way, but DO NOT do everything for her. That will only reinforce her dependency, and you don't want her to be dependent on you.
I would like to suggest a book to you, a memoir titled Never Simple. Written by Liz Scheier it is a book about a daughter trying to help a mentally challenged Mom for many decades and the hopelessness of this. You used the correct word, in that this can drain you and all to no avail. Your Sis has not the wherewithall to act in her best interests.
I would hope you won't attempt to take this on. Consider some counseling for yourself with a licensed social worker in private counseling action. She may have some good options for you, or at least some help. I am so sorry both for your loss, and for this present circumstance.
Your sister now needs some help(mentally)to address her co-dependence and hoarding issue. You won't be able to help her with those issues, so hopefully she has access to good mental help in her city.
Please don't get sucked into giving her money as she is young enough that she should be able to support herself. We all have to grow up sometimes and I guess growing up at 51 is better than never growing up at all huh?
I'm sorry that your sisters issues are now preventing you from grieving for your mom. That's so unfair. I hope that you can untangle yourself from this mess and get on with living and enjoying your own life. If your sister wants to remain miserable, well...that's on her.
Your sister is mentally ill. You cannot help her with that enormity. She needs professional help. She will only drag you down with her. People who are mentally ill tend to latch onto others seeking a codependent relationship. Your sister may see you as the easiest and quickest replacement for your mother. Do not get sucked in.
There may be programs available in the community for people like your sister who need to learn basic life skills and get help with finding a job. Find those programs and take her there to get more information. Do not take your sister on as a DIY project. You need to live your own life.
My mentally ill sister was being encouraged to become less dependant on our parents. She immediately transferred her dependence onto me, until I learned to set boundaries.
She even summed it up herself.. describing assistance for many household tasks & ADLs: "I don't care WHO does it, but I need someone to. It doesn't have to be you."
So with some insight & communication (especially getting practice at having difficult conversations) alternative supports & solutions have been found.
Obtaining a good Case Manager was/is key.
Does your sister get Social Security disability, Medicare or Medicaid. Does she hold down a job. If not, without Moms SS or any pension she probably doesn't have money.
My first stop would be your County Social Services if she is not on SSD, SSI (supplimental income) or working. She can apply for SSI and then SSD if there is a disability. There's food stamps and food closets. If she doesn't have Medicaid for health, apply for that. Help with electricity and heating.
I am not "its time to pull up her big girl panties" because I think there is a lot going on here. At 51 its not going to be easy to get a job if she hasn't had one. Does she even drive. If she is disabled, she can use Senior bussing. That will take her to appts and shopping. If Mom handled the money its going to be hard to teach sis how to budget.
Sorry to say, but you have a big job ahead of you. It will get easier as things fall into place but your Sister is not miraculously going to become an independent person. Its going to take time. You need to set boundries now right from the beginning. The more she can do for herself the better. I have been there. I have a physically disabled nephew with neurological problems. He moved in with my Mom at 18, the beginning of her Dementia we were not aware of. So it fell on me to get him the help he needed. He is doing well. The State pays for 70% of his rent. He has a State Coordinator and an aide that comes 1x a week for 5 hrs. We schedule his doctor visits, banking and shopping around that aides day. He was working before COVID at a workshop called the ARC for people who have challenges but for now he has to wait till they have work he can do.
He lives on his own and I am here if he needs me. He has grown in the last 4 yrs he had been on his own. I have Immediate POA but only use it to oversee his banking. I am payee of his annuity but not his SS. He has done well budgeting for himself. I am really proud of him. He is 33 and was not suppose to mature passed 14 yr old. He may not maturity wise be 33 but he is passed the 14 yr old mark.
Feel free to PM me if you have questions.
They have a program that accepts folks even with "vague" disabilities--documented with a letter from a doctor.
They will assess her ability to work, provide some training and place her appropriately. Some folks in this program work in Goodwill retail locations, but many more are placed through Temp Agencies in companies that are committed to hiring people with handicaps.
In my last clinical job, we had several clerks who had been placed through this program.