My mom’s dementia is ruining my family's life. She is constantly accusing me or my 8 year old daughter of horrible things.
My mom’s dementia has gotten worse the past 6 months or so and she is constantly accusing me or my daughter of stealing her stuff. Pants, hairbrush, quarters, cigarettes, her money in her account l, you name it she’ll accuse one of us and even my husband chad of doing it. Yesterday she accused us of being the ones that made her German shepherd having spine issues and not being able to use her hind legs. Despite the vet saying it’s a degenerative spine disease in ever back spine where she can’t feel her back side and is struggling to use her legs and paws. We even have them wrapped to protect the paws from scraping the concrete when she goes out to pee etc. She has already got scrapes that would bleed all over the place so the bandages help prevent them. The dog gets medicine that is supposed to help. Yesterday my mom blamed me , my husband and our 8 year old daughter Scarlett of being the ones that hurt her legs. Which of course untrue. We are all dog lovers and would never hurt a dog purposely. We have our own dog. My moms dog is turning 11 soon and is a German shepherd. They tend to get these type of issues and my mom has raised plenty of German shepherds in the past I knows this but with her dementia getting worse she is now blaming us for her dogs issues. After months of getting mental abuse from her I blew up. My words were mean and hurtful. I sent my daughter to a neighbors house and I locked myself in my bedroom was crying and shaking. I have depression and anxiety issues already and my mother has been really taking a toll on my mental health. I can see that it’s bothering my daughters mental health as well. No matter how much I reason, explain and deny every accusation or help her find the things she thinks I stole she still consistently accuses me of things. I even had to call the cops twice for her behavior and the EMTS bc she took off from my house in the middle of this heat and told my daughter she was going to kill herself. Which of course she denied saying when the EMTS and cops arrived. My daughter would not make that up, plus it’s something I’ve heard all my life even in my childhood growing up. She’s been a miserable person as long as I can remember. My older siblings who have kids that are older and out of the house won’t help and actually tricked me into taking care of her. See bio ! I’m now licking myself in my room 4 times a week just to get away from her constant verbal abuse. She literally admitted to doing it to hurt us. Even tells us she hopes god punishes us. I feel like a prisoner in my own house and I no POA to put her somewhere. She literally can switch the dementia on and off when the cops and EMTS get here. So I’m down to gathering videos of her being abusive. I feel so bad for our daughter. I vowed to give a loving happy childhood bc I didn’t get one and I know what a bad environment can do to a young child. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for over 20 years now. I’m 43 and I just want to be happy raising my family and instead I feel as though I’m a child all over again dealing with my parents abusive relationship and the nastiness I’ve received from my mother all my life. This time it’s worse though bc the dementia makes her say the most hurtful things that no person should ever hear from their mother and I fear for my daughters mental health. And not one of the 3 older siblings will take her. She won’t go to an assisted living. I have no POA. I feel like I’m losing myself. I’m depressed and becoming more unhappy with every single word sge says. How do I look pass it and not look at her with such hatred in my eyes. She is ruining what should be the best times of my whole life. A loving supportive husband and an amazing miracle child who has made my life worth living is now not enough for me to want to even get out of bed sometimes. My depression is getting to me again and my stress level is so high I’m afraid I’ll have a heart attack in my own house at 43. Any advice would be helpful. Ty
13 Answers
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You didn't mention if you are her PoA, so I'll assume you don't have this authority.
I also assume your Mother doesn't have much income or assets. Is she 65 yet? On Medicare? Is she on Disability or already on Medicaid for any reason?
If you think your Mom is "showtiming" for police, EMTs and doctors then you will need to video her behavior when it's only your family. Maybe your husband can be the videographer. Don't make it obvious. Then when she is melting down and having her paranoia about theft, call 911 and tell them she is delusional and hallucinating and not herself. Do not tell them she has dementia (since this is not considered a medical emergency). You tell them she might have a UTI and won't go to the doctor. When they take her to the ER ask to speak to a social worker about options for getting her a case worker. The point of this is to move towards having the court assign her a legal guardian. If this happens, then she will be removed into a facility and the guardian will take care of all her needs. You can go see her whenever you want. This was the only solution for my SFIL and it was a blessing to our family.
Or, you talk to the ER staff and tell them she is an unsafe discharge (due to your mental health issues and her behavior) and that you are not able or willing to be her caregiver any more. Maybe request a "social admit" (for your Mom's mental and cognitive issues). They will hopefully move her to a psych wing and work on having her accept medication for anxiety, agitation, etc. DO NOT accept any story from the hospital that if you take her back home they will "help" you get care -- this is a lie they tell to get people discharged. Many on this forum will confirm this tactic. Don't accept it, just keep saying no. Do not take her back to your house if you are her only form of transport. Not even if they threaten that the Sheriff will drop her off (this is my family's experience). No, just no. You don't have to give a reason except no, you won't be her caregiver.
More info would be helpful.
If you don't have her POA, then do a 'Social Admit' aka 'ER Dump' through your local hospital's emergency room. Take her there and tell them that she lives with you and you cannot and will not continue being her caregiver. Also, that you will not allow her back into your home. This is how you expediate getting her placed and cut throught the red tape quickly.
I don't mean to sound harsh to you, what I'm saying is for your own good and your child's.
If you've been laying on the psychiatrist's couch for 20 years, whatever problems you have are not going to get solved. You're just going to have to grow the hell up and learn how to live with them.
Next, if you love and care about your little girl and your wonderful huband as much as you say, you'll get your mother (who clearly has dementia) out of your house fast. You'll stop wasting your time and energy feeling sorry for them and crying about it and you'll damn well take some action.
You have a right to your good and happy life. It is yours and belongs to you. You don't have to let anyone no matter how needy they are or how close a relation they are ruin it for you.
I've been down the road you're on now, my friend. Get her out of your house. The way I've stated is guaranteed and fast.
If you have POA, you should just find a care facility for her and put her there. If not, the 'Social Admit' though the ER it is then.
Next time she goes into the ER refuses to take her back home as there is no one who can care for her. They will pressure you but you keep saying NO, they will find a home for her.
In order to stop this you must be strong and stand up to her.
Quite frankly, who cares where she ends up, you MUST protect your daughter.
If you choose to keep your mom in your home, do your daughter a favor and find her a safe home, she will probably be less screwed up then living in the hellhole she is now.
Please put that poor dog out of its misery. I have had German Shepards for 30 years and what you all are doing is cruel. Besides, the dog can't go with her, so that solves a major problem.
Your precious daughter cannot continue to live in such a horrible and scarring environment, nor can you.
Your moms brain is now permanently broken which is hard enough for an adult to understand, but really is impossible for a young child to comprehend.
So call 911 and tell the EMT's that you think your mom must have a UTI because of her strange behavior. Yes, you'll have to lie about that, but you must get her to the ER.
Once she's in the ER, you tell the social worker that your mom is an "unsafe discharge" and that there is no one who can care for her any longer.
They will of course lie to you with all the help they will provide if you take her back, so you'll have to stand your ground and be strong if for no one else but your daughter who deserves SO much better.
The hospital will then have to get mom placed in the appropriate facility, and Medicaid can be applied for if money is an issue for your mom.
And once mom is placed and out of your home, make sure that you and your daughter both get the appropriate therapy so you both can move forward in a whole and healthy way.
It's now time for your inner mama bear to come out and do whatever you have to to protect your innocent daughter, and get your mom the hell out of your house!!!
As a result of my wretched childhood, I blamed my mother for ruining it with all the horrible torture she and grandma put me thru. Our relationship was forever strained and I had little respect for her, tbh. She was never a proper mother to me because proper mothers do not ever subject their daughters to such ugly situations and "nervous" high strung parents who cannot cope with life. That puts the CHILD into the role of being the adult and creates issues that don't just magically disappear because mommy is sorry.
Get "mother" OUT of your house yesterday or run the risk of your daughter writing my story one day. Hopefully it's not too late.
Have you called APS? Tell them you need help getting Mom into LTC. Her dementia is out of control. Its effecting your 8 yr old. Again, tell them you have no POA so the State will need to take overvher care. Your afraid for your child.
There are meds that may help Mom. That does not mean you keep her, just means it may calm her down.
As horrible as it might sound to some people - lying about her hitting- in an instance like this, I absolutely believe that it is probably the best way to get her mom in care.
Also, even if is is a lie, emotional & mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. In some ways it’s worse. (Just my opinion)
My dad has done emotional damage to my 4 kids, it’s not an easy thing to fix.