Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
What reason did they give ? Afraid of wandering away ? And why do you think it would help ? Are you taking her out for a visit or to move her permanently ? More info would be helpful.
In general their world gets small and they are more comfortable in their familiar space and with a routine.
As my mother’s dementia worsened, her fear of the world increased. I used to push her wheelchair around the care home’s quiet residential neighbourhood. The last time she screamed to have the chair’s tray removed so she could run and hide behind trees because I’d only taken her out in the open to expose her to snipers.
So we’d sit on the home’s front porch. Then we didn’t go further than sitting by the window in the common room. And now she cannot leave her room without panicking or becoming angry. (Dr prescribed a calming med)
No, I'm so sorry about your mom. The whole situation is very sad. She likes going outside and she's still pretty social. She does get agitated (sundowners) but in the morning and early afternoon she's usually calm.
Just that it's best for her. I'm sure they are afraid she could get agitated. But she keeps asking 'when can we go out'. I just feel like she's a prisoner.
It is very common for dementia to ask when they’re leaving or when they can go. But she isn’t seeing this the same way… she says she wants to “go” but she doesn’t know where or why.
They recommend you keep mom in the memory care home because it's familiar to her, and familiarity and routine is best for elders with dementia. If you take her out, which is your prerogative, you run the risk she won't agree to go back to the MC when the outing is over and then try to escape every chance she gets, especially when she's Sundowning. Then the staff has to deal with meltdowns and crying etc from a very upset resident for hours on end, if not days. We had a poster here on A.C. who faced this very thing with her father. After she took him out to lunch, he was trying to escape the MC constantly and I believe they asked him to leave, that's how bad it was.
I took my mother home to my house for Thanksgiving in 2019 after she'd gone into Memory Care from regular AL Her dementia was moderate at the time, no Sundowning or other erratic behavior, just her typical anxiety. About 30 minutes into the event, she was ready to leave and "go home." She constantly asked what time it was.....about 230pm if I recall, and she started saying it would get dark soon. It might snow. The driveway might get icy. Her "girls" would want to know where she was. Her meds would be late. On and on and ON she went to The point we ate early and DH took her back to the MC with a bunch of leftovers. She couldn't sit still long enough for dessert.
You just don't know HOW an elder with dementia will act once theyre away from their safe haven. That's the truth of the matter.
Thanks. It really helps to hear from others who have an experience. I know the caregivers are speaking from experience and are doing their best but although they know their side of it and have seen difficulties it helps more to hear from others who have loved ones going through this. Thanks again.
One option might be to take M out once, and see how it goes. It would probably be best to avoid driving past her house or any place she is used to going ‘into’. If she leaves the car, make it some place where she won’t wander – eg the car park of somewhere with a view. That way you can experiment with something that has very little scope to go wrong. Having another person in the car with you and M, would be handy if it doesn't go well. Sooner or later you will have to stop the outings, but a trial run might help you and her. At least it’s worth thinking about (perhaps even talking about in advance and also remembering afterwards).
You’re looking at it from the point of view of someone with a healthy brain. Of course you think she wants to get out and see more! That’s normal for a normal person.
But mom’s brain is no longer normal. She can’t and will never think normally again. Accept this and follow the advice of her professional caregivers. I’m so sorry, but we have to meet our loved ones where they are, not where we wish they were.
Ask yourself: Why exactly is she placed in a Memory Care facility? Why not living with you in your home? Does she try to wander? Escape? Have meltdowns? Tantrums? Helpless in emergencies? Prone to falls?
Where did she live before the MC facility? Was she safe where she was then?
"I'm sure they are afraid she could get agitated. But she keeps asking 'when can we go out'. I just feel like she's a prisoner."
A prisoner is locked up behind steel bars for committing a crime. Your Mother is very old, with (apparently) dementia that has progressed to sundowning. She is in MC for her own well being and personal safety at this time in her life. She is kept fed, clean and safe, by a 24 hour staff of medical professionals. She is in her new safe haven.
Read what Lealonnie wrote below. What happens when you take her out and she has a meltdown? Or refuses to go back? Better to visit Mom with something nice to share and enjoy quality together at her facility, than tempt her with what she cannot have, and possibly cause her to get upset?
The memory care for my mom actually suggested I take her out more, as they felt she was high functioning. But when I took her on similar rides that she once loved,she got really confused and couldn't enjoy herself. The memory care was not as close to the mountains as the assisted living, where she had been, and I think just not recognizing her surroundings was making her feel vulnerable. I ended up just taking her in the car to a park nearby where she could watch people fly kites, play with their dogs and children, and ride by on bikes. I believe getting out where there is some distance to look at is helpful. The big problem would be if you ended up not being able to handle her if she were to get upset.
That 'playground' idea sounds really good, and clearly the 'trial run' worked for you. OP, I think the 'not being able to handle her' problem supports the idea of taking someone else with you on the trial.
No. Don't do it. Taking her out might be good for YOU, that it's great to do something for Mom. But really, you'd be harming her.
My MIL thought outings would be good for her mother too. She thought taking her to lunch for two hours would be harmless. It wasn't.
Her mother thought they'd been out of town, and was worried "the hotel" wouldn't let them back in. What is two hours to us, is two days or two weeks to them. When she got back to her room, she'd forget where her bathroom was. She'd take clothes out of drawers so she could "unpack from the trip" or "unpack from moving away". She'd get disoriented and wouldn't recognize her usual surroundings. It took a few days to get her re-acclimated, and that was hard on her.
Routine is VITAL for dementia. A short outing is more than enough to throw them off for days.
After doing that, watch Shawshank Redemption. A little tease if you haven't seen the movie, a prisoner is released to the free world. It doesn't go that well
Even though he didn't have Dementia, what he experienced probably is similar to what many Dementia people experience if they're taken out of the facility.
When we first admitted FIL to the SNF, he was still able to get around - mostly by mobility scooter. During the last year or so - his ability to use his walker had dwindled to almost nothing.
Due to major impulsivity issues - he lost his mobility scooter access not long after he was admitted to the SNF.
This facility was well designed - surrounded by gardens and when not on flat ground, the grades/inclines were very low - especially designed for wheelchair access.
Taking him "off campus" was entirely up to us -but that was never even on our radar - there was no way we were risking it - he was too big of a fall risk.
So we decided to take him out one day around the campus - we offered to attach the foot rests and push him. He flat out refused the foot rests and opted instead to hold his feet up for the entire excursion ( which was very, very short).
I started to take him down the nearly flat incline into the garden, and he started screaming - so much that I thought maybe his hand was caught in the wheel or something and I immediately dragged all 400+ pounds to a halt (300+ of him and 100+ of the wheelchair). He was screaming "You were about to dump me out. I was about to fall!"
Now, he was nowhere near falling. He wasn't even uneven or unlevel. But he got it in his head that he was about to fall out of the wheelchair. He spent the rest of the time we were outside screaming about going back inside because it was a deathtrap outside.
Now this is a man who HATED being in that facility with every fiber of his being. He made sure we knew it every single day.
But on the ONE attempt to take him out on our own - it was disastrous and we didn't even leave the grounds.
He was taken off site a couple of times, for doctor's appointments and once to the hospital. But each of those times - he was in the wheelchair and locked into the floor of a vehicle, so to him he was stationary. He also had two CNAs for each trip.
But each and every time he wanted to know how much longer he was going to be gone.
I only say that to say this - every single time you move someone with Dementia - you run the risk of hitting a restart button, or causing them more confusion or distress.
Is there a reason you think she would be better off getting out? Are they giving you reasons for not doing so?
you and your situation is not even close to these elderly once has had mental incompetence diagnoses.So you and yours is not anywhere close to what these elderly people get taken away from them and nothing or know body seems to care just because you may can’t sometimes get everything right doesn’t mean you are mentally going insane like I said I’ve joined some advocate for the elderly to get something back to them.1 thing self worth and if a less than dopa is taking that mental illness and using it to take everything away from them trying to see if we can make them take it to court
I agree with you on that but once they (physician)attaches mental incompetence incapacitation dementias without a proper medical care psychiatrist I’ve join a real good group of professional elderly advocates and isolated from the rest of society is the worse thing you could ever do to a elderly person who is not incompetent but aging the more you educate yourself and the more you make your love talk and let them keep their self respect because their they only ones who deserve better than these facilities are doing but it’s the money memory care pays better than just assisted living ps god forbid you have a dopa to someone less than your best interest and more about the money and just the mention of mental incompetence it’s game on the least could happen it world have to be court decision of mentally unstable sorry no pronunciations it just makes me so angry we failed them again and then read just barely able to walk make comment on a elderly person who without them we would not be here but I’m educating myself in all of this system that elderly people can’t win
As a person who myself struggles , with grammar , spelling , punctuation , run on sentences , incomplete sentences , wrong word tense , vocabulary , you name it , I am usually the last person who is the writing police . However , I do believe most times people understand what I am saying without too much difficulty .
I am going to suggest to you punctuation , it helps alot . Many people on this Forum are older and will not even bother to try to read what you write . I found it very difficult and had to reread it more than once .
It would be a shame for you to waste your time , as well as , potentially someone missing an opportunity to learn information from you because your posts are simply skipped and not read .
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
And why do you think it would help ?
Are you taking her out for a visit or to move her permanently ?
More info would be helpful.
In general their world gets small and they are more comfortable in their familiar space and with a routine.
So we’d sit on the home’s front porch. Then we didn’t go further than sitting by the window in the common room. And now she cannot leave her room without panicking or becoming angry. (Dr prescribed a calming med)
Is your mother becoming like mine?
It is very common for dementia to ask when they’re leaving or when they can go. But she isn’t seeing this the same way… she says she wants to “go” but she doesn’t know where or why.
I took my mother home to my house for Thanksgiving in 2019 after she'd gone into Memory Care from regular AL Her dementia was moderate at the time, no Sundowning or other erratic behavior, just her typical anxiety. About 30 minutes into the event, she was ready to leave and "go home." She constantly asked what time it was.....about 230pm if I recall, and she started saying it would get dark soon. It might snow. The driveway might get icy. Her "girls" would want to know where she was. Her meds would be late. On and on and ON she went to The point we ate early and DH took her back to the MC with a bunch of leftovers. She couldn't sit still long enough for dessert.
You just don't know HOW an elder with dementia will act once theyre away from their safe haven. That's the truth of the matter.
But mom’s brain is no longer normal. She can’t and will never think
normally again. Accept this and follow the advice of her professional caregivers. I’m so sorry, but we have to meet our loved ones where they are, not where we wish they were.
Why exactly is she placed in a Memory Care facility?
Why not living with you in your home?
Does she try to wander? Escape? Have meltdowns? Tantrums? Helpless in emergencies? Prone to falls?
Where did she live before the MC facility? Was she safe where she was then?
"I'm sure they are afraid she could get agitated. But she keeps asking 'when can we go out'. I just feel like she's a prisoner."
A prisoner is locked up behind steel bars for committing a crime. Your Mother is very old, with (apparently) dementia that has progressed to sundowning. She is in MC for her own well being and personal safety at this time in her life. She is kept fed, clean and safe, by a 24 hour staff of medical professionals. She is in her new safe haven.
Read what Lealonnie wrote below. What happens when you take her out and she has a meltdown? Or refuses to go back? Better to visit Mom with something nice to share and enjoy quality together at her facility, than tempt her with what she cannot have, and possibly cause her to get upset?
My MIL thought outings would be good for her mother too. She thought taking her to lunch for two hours would be harmless. It wasn't.
Her mother thought they'd been out of town, and was worried "the hotel" wouldn't let them back in. What is two hours to us, is two days or two weeks to them. When she got back to her room, she'd forget where her bathroom was. She'd take clothes out of drawers so she could "unpack from the trip" or "unpack from moving away". She'd get disoriented and wouldn't recognize her usual surroundings. It took a few days to get her re-acclimated, and that was hard on her.
Routine is VITAL for dementia. A short outing is more than enough to throw them off for days.
After doing that, watch Shawshank Redemption. A little tease if you haven't seen the movie, a prisoner is released to the free world. It doesn't go that well
Even though he didn't have Dementia, what he experienced probably is similar to what many Dementia people experience if they're taken out of the facility.
Due to major impulsivity issues - he lost his mobility scooter access not long after he was admitted to the SNF.
This facility was well designed - surrounded by gardens and when not on flat ground, the grades/inclines were very low - especially designed for wheelchair access.
Taking him "off campus" was entirely up to us -but that was never even on our radar - there was no way we were risking it - he was too big of a fall risk.
So we decided to take him out one day around the campus - we offered to attach the foot rests and push him. He flat out refused the foot rests and opted instead to hold his feet up for the entire excursion ( which was very, very short).
I started to take him down the nearly flat incline into the garden, and he started screaming - so much that I thought maybe his hand was caught in the wheel or something and I immediately dragged all 400+ pounds to a halt (300+ of him and 100+ of the wheelchair). He was screaming "You were about to dump me out. I was about to fall!"
Now, he was nowhere near falling. He wasn't even uneven or unlevel. But he got it in his head that he was about to fall out of the wheelchair. He spent the rest of the time we were outside screaming about going back inside because it was a deathtrap outside.
Now this is a man who HATED being in that facility with every fiber of his being. He made sure we knew it every single day.
But on the ONE attempt to take him out on our own - it was disastrous and we didn't even leave the grounds.
He was taken off site a couple of times, for doctor's appointments and once to the hospital. But each of those times - he was in the wheelchair and locked into the floor of a vehicle, so to him he was stationary. He also had two CNAs for each trip.
But each and every time he wanted to know how much longer he was going to be gone.
I only say that to say this - every single time you move someone with Dementia - you run the risk of hitting a restart button, or causing them more confusion or distress.
Is there a reason you think she would be better off getting out? Are they giving you reasons for not doing so?
As a person who myself struggles , with grammar , spelling , punctuation , run on sentences , incomplete sentences , wrong word tense , vocabulary , you name it , I am usually the last person who is the writing police . However , I do believe most times people understand what I am saying without too much difficulty .
I am going to suggest to you punctuation , it helps alot . Many people on this Forum are older and will not even bother to try to read what you write . I found it very difficult and had to reread it more than once .
It would be a shame for you to waste your time , as well as , potentially someone missing an opportunity to learn information from you because your posts are simply skipped and not read .